Trust/believing problems

[Mc91]

First of all i wanna apologise incase this ends up being a long post. Basically im having trouble believing small details my girlfriend feeds me about things that are said/done when we argue because she already lied about several things, has done in the past and i caught her out this time - how do i believe her this time?

 

Few details. Im 23, shes 27 and weve been together for 14 months. She is married but separated, we met at work while she was with her husband but they had problems before i was on the scene and split up before me and her got together.

 

I was at a football match saturday and had planned a few drinks afterwards, my girlfriend had a planned night out with the girls from work.

 

I text her about half 10 at night, just random night out talk 'hi babe hows your night' etc and she didnt reply for about 40 minutes, ill admit i was drunk and had sent an idiotic text accusing her of ignoring me. Id been drinking since 1 and jaegerbombs had made an unwelcome appearance. She replied asking me to call her cause she wanted her friends to meet me (she hadnt been at her job long)

 

I was up for going home at this point, she told me the club she was at and when i got to my bus stop i thought 'why not' so decided to go meet her. I went there with a friend, but when we got there i couldnt see her inside or the smoking area so asked her where she was and tried to ring her loads of times. Again, being the drunken idiot i know i am, i started to question where she was ignoring me when in truth, in a club you dont hear your phone.

 

She then started to ring me but i ignored it, i didnt want to argue and knew if i saw her we would. So i walked out of the club and she was stood there with her friend..again i wasnt in the mood so i walked away.

 

I was then on the end of a barrage of abuse from her friend ive never met, saying my texts were out of order and i have no idea how much my girlfriend talks about me and doesnt shut up about me. My girlfriend was stood there with a smile on her face nodding along, then they walked off arm in arm before i could get a word in and said something like 'lets go get more tequila'. I was angry but thought better of following them, i walked off with my mate.

 

The texts id sent my gf were partly me being annoyed, partly revenge because she threatened to leave me weeks before with a barrage of abusive texts telling me to 'get home NOW' cause i was out later than i planned to be with my workmates. She was out of order in the things she said, i was wrong in staying out later than id assured her.

 

It wasnt longer after id walked off that she text me on saturday saying i had a chance to apologise when her friend had a go but i chose not to. Then my phone died. I decided to stay at my mates house on his floor, and i got back to mine about 9.30 sunday morning. Obviously without letting anyone know where i was, being unable to with my phone being dead..i was accused of certain things.

 

When my phone was charged, the texts my gf sent me came through. She told me she was staying at her mates house, then said it in a nicer way and that we need to reconsider stuff tomorrow, then said 'you dont care where i am' (cause id obviously not replied)

 

She genuinely thought id spent the night with another girl and only until i proved otherwise was that her theory. I know shed spent the night at her female mates house before getting a taxi back to mine at about 6 in the morning.

 

Shed started to pack her stuff to leave me before we started talking. She comes from somewhete about 100 miles away from me but moved upto be with me after she moved out of her mums (she went back to her mums after leaving her husband)

 

Anyway, we sorted stuff out when she trusted id been faithful that night. But her facebook messages were odd. She wouldnt show me several messages, despite saying it was men asking who 'her pretty mate was'. She told me this was the case with several convo's, but id snooped on the laptop earlier and seen her friend messaged another boy for her when they were at hers. When my gf spotted it, she immediately told the boy it was her friend not her that messaged him (this all happened about 2 in morning). But the thing is, i asked her to tell me the truth. I gave her several chances to tell me (cause i knew the truth) and she said it was him asking about her.

 

So i told her i knew..and she said she didnt tell me to protect me from being upset her mate wanted her to meet another man. I also saw when another man messaged her to say 'sorry to hear your relationship ended'. I was mever made aware it had ended - something else ahe failed to tell me. That aswell as the fact someone told her.

 

I also saw she'd been messaging a boy she used to work with, but i didnt read any of that.

 

Fast forward a bit and i left the room so she immediately deleted the messages from the 3 boys, the one her mate spoke to, the one who said sorry our releationship was over - so i get why she would want to hide that

 

But the other boy she used to work with, she insists she didnt say anything inappropriate to him. So why did she delete it? She says she didnt mean to delete it, it was a mistake. Im having trouble believing this.,as she ready lied several times.

 

Now i know i shouldnt have checked her facebook, the first time i did it was about 8 months into our relationship by which time shed admitted to and been caught going through my phone about 10 times to 'catch me out' because she doesnt trust me.

 

Ive genuinely never cheated, not once. But she has trust issues to.

 

This saturday where this happened, i saw a girl who comes on the coach to football with us. I pointed her out to a few of the lads and said 'isnt that the pretty girl who gets on our bus?' And they tried to encourage me to go talk to her. I declined many times specifying i have a girl im more than happy with.

 

When i confronted my gf about her friends message to another man, i admitted to this and told her i wanted to tell her the truth. She then turned it into a 'is she prettier than me' thing and i was the bad guy again. But i didnt lie..

 

I have trust issues i know i do, with her they span from the start of our relationship. When she moved back to her mums, she went on a night out with a few lads. She asked if i minded and i thought she was trying to make me jealous n keep me interested so i said no..have fun etc. she then told me one of the lads used to fancy her and they were gonna go back to his afterwards (all of them) i said that made me uncomfortable and asked her to end her night before that so he doesnt get the wrong impression. She agreed it was fair.

 

That night she text me to say she was home..i was relieved, got to sleep..then woke up about 1 to texts saying 'you need to help me are you awake' i panicked like mad and rang her n text her and she then said 'im sooooo stupid im sorry'. My heart was racing, shed cheated, i was absolutely broken. I rang her and she wouldnt tell me what was wrong. She said she was home now and it was dealt with. After me begging her to tell me the truth she said nothing happened, her mate tried it on and she ran away and tried to contact me. I asked why she was 'sooo stupid' and she said she shouldve listened to me i was right but her mate tried it on and she pushed him off and then another of her old mates rescued her and took her home.

 

I havent trusted her since. Even little things like this weekend, i shake because i am so so worried theres something she isnt telling me. Whenever i ask her she gets defensive and shouts and says 'i dont need this you do this all the time'..i know i do because i find it hard to believe someone who has lied in the past

 

All i want is her to reassure me in a nice loving way but she shouts and i feel bad for doubting her. I do love her to bits but whenever i raise a concern she makes me feel **** for not talking to me on a level.

 

I dont know how to talk to her about it, but i dont trust her i really dont but i feel bad for not doing so.

 

She makes me dinner, always buys me gifts and thinks of different ways to make me happy. When we are good she is the best girlfriend ever but i still doubt so many things shes said and done and i cant move on. This guy whos messages she deleted saturday but says they were just talking about work..its like i KNOW theres something she isnt telling me, but if she just told me and was honest and told me the truth id forgive her. I was a dick, i deserve it. I just want to know what that conversation was about if she felt the need to delete it

[dclan]

She seems to have trust issues.

 

How long was she with her husband? Why did they split up? Maybe the husband cheated on her, and now she has a hard time trusting you.

 

Do have any idea what "problems" she had with her husband?

 

This is a usual fear of abandonment from previous relationships.

 

She also seems to like the attention of other man, again, wanting to feel "chased".

 

Why did her marriage end exaclty?

Edited October 28, 2014 by dclan

[Mc91]

She just drifted apart from him. He was stupid with money, spent it on cocaine and used to disappear for hours with no explanation. She stopped loving him and couldnt sleep with him anymore as the idea made her feel ill.

 

She does have trust issues and im the first to admit i don't help. I have a few female friends i see regularly (at work) and am still in possible contact (we dont speak regularly at all but nights out together are still possible) with girls i have history with even if its just a snog, but i have been 100% honest with everything that happened between them (never had sex with them just sometimes further than a kiss) and if she was in contact with exes or guys she has history with id be uncomfortable.

 

I havent given her enough justice in this post to be fair.

 

She is amazing, she dropped her husband for me (in the end). He found out about us and said he'd take her back if she dropped me and agreed to counsilling. She agreed and dumped me, she was 100 miles from 'home' and all her mates were his mates. But within an hour of 'dumping' me she said she needs me in her life and to let her do it her way but she will leave him for me.

 

She left him with the clothes on her back her only possessions and got with me properly. Shes never seen him since, they spoke and argued online still but she made it clear she wanted to be with me and if he harms a hair on my head she'd kill him (i worked and still do work with her husbands mother - we obviously dont speak)

 

She ditched all her friends and totally started again. She left all her possessions with him and started from scratch at 26..she rebuilt her life around me. She cooks, cleans and you can tell she loves me to bits. But she has lied in the past and only when ive told her i know shes lying does she tell me the truth.

 

But lying comes so natural to her i dont know what to believe.

 

The guy whos house she ended up at alone, he's pig ugly, shes stunning..she could get loads better. But thats the only reason i dont believe she cheated on me. Not because she told me she was drjnk and stupid for going back to his, not cause she told me when she tried it on she immediately ran away and contacted me.

 

I doubt a lot of things she has been PROVEN to have lied about and she NEVER lets me question her without getting angry. she refuses to see that if she hadnt have lied i wouldnt keep bringing it up..but she did lie! She did. And she still does.

 

But she makes me feel horrible for not trusting her.

 

How do i tell her? The last few times ive been out i've had unasked for female attention and the more she lies to me, the more i get tempted to stray just as an 'insurance' incase she did ever cheat on me.

[Mc91]

Oh and whenever guys talk to her on facebook (before this weekend) if she doesnt know them she ignores them. If they compliment her she doesnt reply. If a guy tries his luck she gives me access to her facebook to either 'play' as in lead him on before crushing his hopes or to tell him in my own choice of words to back off my gf.

 

She had a pervy obese friend who always sends her rude messages like 't-ts out' 'f@nnh out' or 'do you wanna see me c0ck' and she ignores it but also gives me the option to message him back for her if i want to.

 

Most of the time id be mad not to trust her but how can i forget her lies in the past when she lied as recently as this weekend..even if it was to protect my feelings?

 

Get her to message her friend to tell her she was out of order messaging another guy for her? What do i do? :-/

[dclan]

There are a few weird things in your story:

 

1) She leaves him for you, then goes back to him for just 1 hour, then goes back to you. Thats a bit weird.

 

2) You guys know each other from work. Her husband's mother also happens to work in the same place you guys do. And you still work with his mother? Thats even more weird

 

3) She lives 100 miles away from you? and still manages to work in the same place you and her mother in law work? Still weird

 

The story you are telling doesn't make much sense. If you are trying to change some details of the story to keep things "private", its ok to do so, but I feel as if many aspects of your story are made up. And we can't really give you good advise unless you are honest.

 

Honestly I'd love to help you.

 

Her behavior is clearly connected to her ex husband, but...if thats not the true story, then we can't really make sense into why she behaves that way.

Edited October 28, 2014 by dclan

[Mc91]

She lived here. When she left her husband, she moved to her mums (100 miles away - her birthplace)

 

She then moved back up here to live with me.

 

I still work for the same company as her mother in law. Not on the same job, we dont need contact.

 

Me and her got together when her and her husband ended. She still lived with him as she had nowhere to go, so he thought they would still work it out. He then found out about me and her so told her to leave me, she tried to but instantly regretted it so told me to give her time and she'd leave him. She did 4 days later.

[dclan]

Ah...well its still a weird situation, but I think I might missread (your posts were indeed long ).

 

Well my honest opinion? The girl clearly has issues:

 

She left behind everything (friends, possesions, her husband) to be in this relationship with you. Thats somethiing really strange...to start a new life from scratch at 27.

 

To me it sounds as if she was trying to get away from her life with her husband...as in running away. And to be honest, it would seem she took you as some sort of rescue ship that suddenly appeared in her life.

 

The girl moved in with you very early into your new relationship, always a mistake, and something that supports my prior statement of trying to get away from her husband.

 

If you truly want to continue this relationship, you should sit down with her and ask her what the real problems were.

 

If she has trust issues, it has something to do with her husband. You said she warned your husband not to "hurt" you, and that he spent money on cocaine. Is he some sort of criminal? is he dangerous?

 

If her ex husband was involved in criminal activity, it would make sense to the story of her trying to run away.

 

Most likely, her trust issues are related of her husband cheating on her, and something of the sort.

 

Like I said: you don't end a marriage, and inmediatly move in with someone else, leaving everything behind. Its not normal.

[Mc91]

I thought it was an escape but it wasn't. We had grown stupidly close and flirted daily at work, she left him before we hooked up and messaged my friend on facebook to tell me she was going to her mums and that was going to miss me loads. I gave her my number and she asked me out.

 

We didnt move in together till july, well actually she moved in with my and my mum. We have out name on the counsil for our own place. Wed been together for 11 months before she moved up here.

 

In the 11 months together when she lived 100 miles away, she worked as a senior carer at her old job down there. She worked one weekend on one weekend off, 12 hour shifts sometimes 5/6 days in a row so she had 4/5 days off clumped together to come see me.

 

It cost her £100 in coaches, trains and taxis to see me yet she came up every single weekend she wasnt working. Trust me i wasnt an escape. When we werent together we text 24/7.

 

She is perfect in many ways - these issues are about my trust issues with her as she has lied a few times. Not her trust issues with me.

[Mc91]

Mate as said above she didnt move straight in with me.

 

She moved back to her mums and moved in with me 11 months into our relationship.

[dclan]

Well if the problem is she lies:

 

If you can't trust her, then you need to decide if you can keep dating her.

 

If she is a natural lier, and you really can't trust her, end it. Her husband/you story, like I said many times, seems weird, and probably involves a lot of lying on her part to both him and you.

 

If you are wondering if she slept with this other guy, its up to you wether you believe her story of the other guy fand her, and her other mate rescuing her.

 

I didn't really understand something (because of your writing): did her friend force himself on her? or was he just making a move?

 

It could be true, but it does sound fishy, specially considering her habit of lying.

 

But again...its up to you to choose to believe her or not.

[Mc91]

Her friends at this workplace were encouraging me to ask her out because of how well we got on and the fact they knew her husband and her were on a path destined to end - but i refused to because she was 'taken' and i wasnt going to disrespect her husband like that. Plus id done this sort of thing before, slept with a girl who had a fella i knew and in the end she didnt want to be with him or me.

 

But with my current missus i know from the off it was always me, you can just tell. The playful jealousy before we got together when i was going out without her. The fact that we joke around now with her saying she was waiting for ages for me to ask her out. I wasnt an escape because she moved back down to her mums despite the fact i told her she could stay with me until she got something sorted here. She said its too soon, i was sweet to ask but that she needed to know i was serious about her.

 

She spent thousands coming to see me every weekend she had off, she paid for a trip to london and the hotels/travel when we had a holiday abroad. I cant stress how lucky and good i have it when we are good - but she has lied in the past and this weekend and i find that hard to trust.

 

She didnt have to tell me her friend tried it on, she'd already told me she was home. So i guess despite lying, its in her favour she came clean and apologised she gave him that opportunity. What i will say is she is very naive, she doesnt realise when a guy is insinuating/hitting on her. What she says happened was he tried to rub her feet and initiated he wanted something so she kicked him off (apparently her feet were on the table) and text me to help her.

 

While she lied about her whereabouts, i believed her. There was no need for her to tell me he tried his luck if thats not what happened - she couldve left it at her being at home.

 

She didnt go back to his alone, in her story her old best mate (he's an std ridden slag i know she wouldnt go there) was there too and hes the one who 'rescued' her.

 

I dont know what to think about her deleting messages this weekend though? This guy who she deleted them from but said nothing untoward..could she have deleted it bu mistale when deleting the ones she later admitted to trying to hide from me?

 

Can anyone honestly believe her story when she was out and ended up back at her friends house..that nothing happened despite her immediate remorse and apology? Is that guilt she did wrong or is she sorry she went back to his after agreeing not to? How do i ask her when i already have 100 times and her story is always consistent yet i still have trouble believing her?

 

When she found out i said the girl who came football with us was pretty she was hurt because she said she would never tell her friends she thought a guy was fit because she has only ever wanted and looked at me since we got together. I know she finds other people attractive its human nature, but she is so anti-slag (she hates most girls behaviour/dress sense and c-cktease attitude) i do feel bad for not believing her.

[Mc91]

This guy who's house she was at, he's the male equilavent of susan boyle..only thin...and she is genuinely a very very pretty woman. 27 but still get's id'd in a bar. If she ever got with him then there'd need to be a cataclysmic event to rebalance the universe.

 

I think the only thing i can do is sit her down, give her the opportunity to tell me anything she hasn't yet and make her promise never to lie, even over small things, ever again.

 

And if i find out she has, then i'll have to end it as i struggle to trust the things she's said so far.

 

Its her lies that have made me like this, so i need to stop feeling bad for distrusting her.

[CindyCindy2077]

Its her lies that have made me like this, so i need to stop feeling bad for distrusting her.

 

Once you find out you've been lied to or things kept from you, it's very hard to ever have that trust again. I'm not sure if I will ever have it again.

[ExpatInItaly]

No trust = no relationship.

 

Sorry OP, but it's clearly not working.