You all told me so...

[beach]

What happens if he doesn't divorce a year or so from now?

 

What is your boundary and goal at that time if he doesn't perform up to his "promises"?

 

What is YOUR plan then?

[SolG]

Do you live with him and his wife? If not, then how can you take ANYTHING he has said about his marriage and this alleged 'under one roof separation' as anything more than wishful thinking on his part or even worse, words to pacify you so he can buy more and more time and keep you involved in the affair and his ego boosting?

 

If he is never how, how exactly is he parenting his children? He has an opportunity to BE a parent to his small children, yet instead goes on a 2 week vacation with his mistress? Yeah, great dad material there.

 

Since you are a long term OW, time frames really don't seem to matter to you.

 

Do I know for certain? Nope. However, I believe that he is wholeheartedly committed to the intent of his plan. Whether he can execute or not is another matter. That's the risk I knowingly take.

 

I'd say he's home on avg about 50% of the time; give or take depending on work commitments. And when he's there, he really is there for the kids. No one who knows him has anything but praise for his comittment as a father. (Remember we move in the same professional circles and have a lot of colleagues/friends in common.)

 

As for our upcoming vacation, intensive secondments are not uncommon and company advice is actually to NOT go home in the middle of a protracted assignment. It generally proves disruptive and traumatic for children who have settled and accepted the absence to go through the upheaval of having a loved one home for such a short time, and then have to separate again. In light of theirs and others previous experience, MM and his W have agreed that it is best that he not go home and take his break elsewhere. That's how we have this opportunity.

 

No I don't want a family with him (or anyone else for that matter). And yes, As a LT OW I guess there is a sense of I've gone this long, what's another year really in the big scheme of things. The time itself really doesn't matter; what matters is making sure that I mantain my quality of life and don't lose the time by losing myself in the affair. Which admittedly if far easier when he's so far away. But I don't want to lose the ground I've gained so I'll be vigilant.

 

Thank you for wishing me luck jellybean.

 

Beach, firstly, we don't do promises. At this point, there's too much to go to be able to promise an outcome. If by the end this year the R is not one that I can be in and be happy and healthy (and MM knows what I need to achieve this), I'll walk.

 

In this eventuality, after a period of mourning I'm sure, I'll go back to being single and fancy free. I wasn't interested in pursuing a R before MM, and I doubt I will be after.

[Mount]

I'll say you should enjoy the vacation with the MM, as apparently you are a very clear-headed OW or woman, knowing exactly where you are who you are, the limitation of being OW, not like some frantic ordinary OWs.

 

Pls stick with the thoughts firmly with your intelligence and wisdom, without influenced some biased and hatred opinion from people that got deep hurt in their past before.

 

Hi MissBee

 

Not 100% together, but far better than I have been. There is a certain realisation that comes when you get to the point of seriously despising and loathing yourself. And luckily for me, MM's departure OS coincided with this realisation and gave me the space to reflect and focus on my own life. It also gave the two of us the benefit of distance to frankly and calmly discuss as well.

 

My back story is met MM through work, EA that led to PA, now 4.5 years in. I'm long-term separated, MM long-term married with kids but dissatisfied with his M long before he met me.

 

At 1.5 years we talked about being together. I blithely left him to it, and at around the 3 year mark discovered that our definitions of what constitutes working on leaving a marriage, and the timeframe required, were vastly different. The time since has been hellish as we have renegotiated our expectations. I'm now sure for the first time that we actually are (finally) on the same page in this regard.

 

We had a DDay late 2013. He minimised the A (short term only) promised his BW NC with me, and we just went underground. He is still married and at home as work allows.

 

In 2014 they started MC (not for the first time). This time with the goal of really working out where their M is at; and from MM's perspective, getting to point of acceptance that it's over and getting assistance to amicably move forward. His goal is separation under one roof as he wants his children to continue to have access to both parents and the stability that entails.

 

Their MC process has been a combination of individual and joint sessions. They have been through family of origin and relatioship history. As well establishing the current state of the M, which isn't good. While he has expressed that he believes that they are fundamentally incompatible and should move on to a new phase of supportive coarenting, his W wants to try more. They were at the stage of his W being assisted in session to clarify and understand why he does not see that they should keep trying. The MC has told him in IC that her assessment is that he is correct and that understanding, acceptance and effective transition is next. This is when he was whisked off overseas.

 

He is absolutely committed to this process. He absolutely believes that it is best for his W, and ultimately the kids as well, to go through this in a measured and professionally supported manner. He will not disclose our A, as he believes that it would do more damage than good. I disagree, but believe that that is his prerogative and have never asked that he do otherwise.

 

As for not moving out or divorcing... The pragmatic reality is that he has small children and his W is a SAHM; they need his financial and parenting support. I don't. If him remaining there is best for them collectively, I'm fine with that. But I could not cope with it not being in a formal separated under one roof situation. It does remain to be seen whether his W will accept that, but as I said previously his MC believes it is possible.

 

While MM begs to differ, I believe that separation under one roof is the only option he'll accept, not the 'preferred' one. So if it becomes evident that his W cannot accept that arrangement, I belive we will have to have a what next conversation that will lead to me bowing out and he sucking it up and staying.

 

As for what I want.. I like our relationship pretty much the way it is, but minus the horrific subterfuge and uncertainty. We travel a lot in our careers, he is rarely home for more than a week at a time other than holidays. (Which is another reason he really wants to have that time in the same house as his children.) We catch up in person whenever and wherever we can; over the period of our A he has certainly spent far more time with me than his W. IF we remain together and 'come out', it actually will give us more scope to be together because we won't have to waste time working out how to hide.

 

We would of course morph as careers flux and our family circumstances change. That happens in all Rs. I'm open to cohabitation in the future if circumstances were to allow. But that's putting the cart before the horse. First we have to see what the rest of the year brings.

 

I hope that answers your questions.