has anyone's mm ever became impotent with their BW?

[blondie51]

hi its my first time posting,

I'm married with 3 kids in their late teens and so is he. We dated when we were 19 and and found each other again after 25 years. When we first reunited , it was just to see each other and catch up. We spoke for 2 hours in the car about our lives he said he was happily married and so did I. But then he kissed me. It was magical. We've spoken everyday since ,text or call he wanted to take things slow and we just kissed and talked for the first 3 months and for the last 3 months it has become so passionate so intense like nothing I've experienced before and for him to. He told me he's always loved me ,always thought about ,me always looked me up . We tell each other we love each other at least 50 times a day. We are best friends, he tells me everything and I tell him everything we promise to be honest with each other. when we first reunited he was having sex with his wife twice a week and he was the one who always initiated, now he doesn't initiate anymore.. so now they're having sex about twice a month but can't maintain an erection with her twice already. Was wondering if this happened to any MOM out there.. thanks

[eye of the storm]

Personally i think its icky for a MM to be discussing his sex life at home with his AP. And I would take it with a grain of salt. He may be telling you that because he wants you to feel more special than you are. He may have trouble keeping it up because he feels guilty that he is running around on her.

 

It may be the truth, it may not.

 

I don't understand the happily married part. How can you be happy and satisfied with your marriage and be cheating?

[Be_Strong]

Are you regularly having sex with MM? You didn't expressly come out and say you've moved beyond kissing, but I presume by your "passionate" statement that you are now having sex.

 

It is possible your MM could be telling you the truth. The guilt from the affair could be affecting his performance with his wife. He could also be one of those very rare men that is more similar to a woman in that he really can only be sexually interested in one partner at a time. Or, he could be feeling like he is actually cheating on you when he has sex with his wife, and that could also affect his performance. Also, if you are quite a bit more attractive than his wife, what used to be acceptable (his wife's appearance) may now be vastly inferior to what he has become accustomed to with you. Finally, he may be consciously causing his poor sex performance with his wife so that he can honestly tell you later that he wasn't able to perform with his wife and therefore make you feel more secure with him.

 

All of the above would be completely negated if your MM was horny enough. But if he has sex with you in the afternoon, and then his wife initiates that evening, his sex drive will be depleted enough to affect his ability to perform.

 

The other possibility here is that your MM is lying to you to protect your feelings. It's a lie that would be impossible for you to verify, so it's a "safe" lie. I know you have both agreed to be 100% honest, but take that agreement with a bit of salt. After all, you probably can look at your own actions and words and find times where you have been less than honest with MM. Also, one way that MM convince OW that they are being 100% honest is that the MM will disclose a dark or embarrassing secret about themselves to the OW. The OW will see that as, "gosh, if he would reveal that to me, he must be willing to tell me everything."

[blondie51]

Thank you, Be Strong, you were very helpful.

[HermioneG]

My spouse told his OW we never had sex.

 

Not even remotely true.

 

Be very careful of what you choose to believe.

[HermioneG]

Personally i think its icky for a MM to be discussing his sex life at home with his AP. And I would take it with a grain of salt. He may be telling you that because he wants you to feel more special than you are. He may have trouble keeping it up because he feels guilty that he is running around on her.

 

It may be the truth, it may not.

 

I don't understand the happily married part. How can you be happy and satisfied with your marriage and be cheating?

 

I can answer the last part. Because infidelity is a personal problem, not a marital problem. People cheat because of what is wrong with them, not what is wrong with their marriage.

 

Good places to start research on that would be Pittman, Glass, Fisher and Gottman. All those authors have in depth explanations of the why.

[Redheaded Mistress]

when we first reunited he was having sex with his wife twice a week and he was the one who always initiated, now he doesn't initiate anymore.. so now they're having sex about twice a month but can't maintain an erection with her twice already. Was wondering if this happened to any MOM out there.. thanks

 

Yes. He's not the only one.

[DKT3]

Sure its possible. Not likely. Its more likely that he isn't being honest to either spare your feelings or manipulate you into cutting your husband off sexually.

 

I honestly believe this is pretty common affair talk from men. Women get involved in affairs because it makes them feel, in most cases special. How special would you feel it he said "BS and I had amazing sex since the last time we did" not really productive to get what he wants from you.

 

Did this make you want to stop having sex with you husband. I'm betting that is his goal, prevent you from having sex with your husband. Power move, he is likely taking control of your life and still sexing his wife every chance he gets.

[Got it]

Yes, my MM stopped having sex with his wife when the affair started. Actually she accused him of being gay during the affair. They weren't having sex very much prior so once the affair started he had no interest in having sex with her. While it gets laughed at, we were very committed to each other so not having sex with others.

[blondie51]

But he says it doesn't bother him that I have sex with my husband, he actually did tell me sex was good with his wife but she just has no passion. Nothing like ours. He never pushed me always said it was so much deeper than sex for him. And based on his actions I believe him. We both realized we weren't as "happy" in our marriages as we thought. Thanks for input

[DKT3]

But he says it doesn't bother him that I have sex with my husband, he actually did tell me sex was good with his wife but she just has no passion. Nothing like ours. He never pushed me always said it was so much deeper than sex for him. And based on his actions I believe him. We both realized we weren't as "happy" in our marriages as we thought. Thanks for input

 

You don't think there is a connection between you not being as happy with being in an affair? Rhetorical question, I already know your anwser.

 

Do you plan on leaving the marriage and being with MM? If not what's your end game here?

[jellybean89]

I too was wondering if you were just going to continue to lie, cheat and be unfaithful with your spouse and for how long. If you and the MM have this super connection, why aren't you both leaving your spouses?

 

Did it ever cross your mind that the sex is "extra special" cause of the forbidden aspects? The secrecy? The sneaking around and lying? What happens when one of your kids find out? Why not save both families the heartbreak from betrayal and just be together honestly?

 

I think he tells you he's not having sex with his wife cause no MM who is allegedly in love with the OW is gonna admit to having passionate sex or frequency of love making. All that would do is piss you off and threaten the affair.

[blondie51]

We don't want to deal with fallout of everything we are going to go thru, but its getting harder , we both want to be together. He always says he will never lose me again and if he gets caught, he will be with me. I tell him thats easy to say now, but hes been adamant about that. He's even had me show up at weekend getaway with wife. We'd sneak away. He says he knows he'll be caught eventually. I tell him that is the worst way. Everyone will hate us. He says time will heal all wounds. I could use advice, Idont wwant to hurt my husband and kids nor his wife, just love him so much.

[Redheaded Mistress]

We don't want to deal with fallout of everything we are going to go thru, but its getting harder , we both want to be together. He always says he will never lose me again and if he gets caught, he will be with me. I tell him thats easy to say now, but hes been adamant about that. He's even had me show up at weekend getaway with wife. We'd sneak away. He says he knows he'll be caught eventually. I tell him that is the worst way. Everyone will hate us. He says time will heal all wounds. I could use advice, Idont wwant to hurt my husband and kids nor his wife, just love him so much.

 

Don't rely on getting caught. Either:

 

1. Suspend the affair and divorce

2. Confess you're in an affair and want out and it has nothing to do with the affair.

 

If you wait until you're caught and it's do or die time, panic sets in and everybody reacts. Nobody thinks. Don't get to that point. It's the difference between the stress of defusing a bomb vs waiting for it to go off and then cleaning up the mess.

 

And I don't care what he says, when he's called on the carpet, he's just as likely to stay with his wife as he is to go.

[DKT3]

We don't want to deal with fallout of everything we are going to go thru, but its getting harder , we both want to be together. He always says he will never lose me again and if he gets caught, he will be with me. I tell him thats easy to say now, but hes been adamant about that. He's even had me show up at weekend getaway with wife. We'd sneak away. He says he knows he'll be caught eventually. I tell him that is the worst way. Everyone will hate us. He says time will heal all wounds. I could use advice, Idont wwant to hurt my husband and kids nor his wife, just love him so much.

 

So what are you guys waiting on? It won't be easier next week or next month. If the goal of both of you is to be together then do it. Unless one of you don't really have that goal.

 

Tell your MM you intend on telling and leaving your husband that night. Then you will get your true anwser as to his intent.

 

I know WW and OW love to believe their situation is always the exception, the problem is it rarely is.

[blondie51]

Im scared to ask , because ill either be forced to say goodbye or be forced to tell my husband which Icant, iI just cant. The fear paralizes me. My mm has cried in my arms over this, more than me. I just keep thinking no one knows, everyones happy, lets keep going this way for right now. Thank you for all your advice

[Redheaded Mistress]

Im scared to ask , because ill either be forced to say goodbye or be forced to tell my husband which Icant, iI just cant. The fear paralizes me. My mm has cried in my arms over this, more than me. I just keep thinking no one knows, everyones happy, lets keep going this way for right now. Thank you for all your advice

 

If you can't tell your husband and you don't want to end the affair, then all you can do is just wait for the bomb to go off and hope it doesn't mean you have lost your husband, lost your OM, and have to pick up the pieces to form something out of nothing.

 

When the bomb goes off, it won't be better.

 

And, FWIW, my MM cried in my arms too about how he wished we could be together, how if we were caught he'd leave his wife, how she'd have to understand, how we'd be together because he couldn't face being without me. He was resolved... When it hit the fan, he wanted out.

 

Then confessions that he felt like he did about me, dday, a break up over the phone in tears with his wife listening, and then shortly he said he was leaving and told her and she was fine with it, he ended it but didn't move out because he had no where to go, then after a weekend together just me and him, a meeting (or a phone call, don't remember), he was in tears as he broke down and told me he just couldn't do it and was reconciling with his wife.

 

Over a year later, he'd left her, gone back, left her, gone back... Several times.

 

It's so easy to say you want out until it's time to put your money where your mouth is. That's when it gets hard. Even for me, it was hard to make that leap.

[purplesorrow]

Im scared to ask , because ill either be forced to say goodbye or be forced to tell my husband which Icant, iI just cant. The fear paralizes me. My mm has cried in my arms over this, more than me. I just keep thinking no one knows, everyones happy, lets keep going this way for right now. Thank you for all your advice

 

This is the part I don't get, you aren't aftaid to hurt your husband, lie to him etc, but too cowardly to show him who you really are? Is it soley because you know that you will then experience pain?

[Baby123]

I think it's very possible, my mm stopped having sex with the bs the day he met me (they only did it about once a month prior). He just didn't find her attractive at all, especially after being with someone whose body he did fancy and love.

Some men are true to their word - and you should trust them.

[DKT3]

We don't want to deal with fallout of everything we are going to go thru, but its getting harder , we both want to be together. He always says he will never lose me again and if he gets caught, he will be with me. I tell him thats easy to say now, but hes been adamant about that. He's even had me show up at weekend getaway with wife. We'd sneak away. He says he knows he'll be caught eventually. I tell him that is the worst way. Everyone will hate us. He says time will heal all wounds. I could use advice, Idont wwant to hurt my husband and kids nor his wife, just love him so much.

 

I think it's very possible, my mm stopped having sex with the bs the day he met me (they only did it about once a month prior). He just didn't find her attractive at all, especially after being with someone whose body he did fancy and love.

Some men are true to their word - and you should trust them.

Haha, yeah the ones lying and cheating on their wives are at the top of that "true to their word" list.

[blondie51]

Redheaded Mistress,

 

Your story was very hard to read, I'm sorry you went through that. It sounds very similar. Thank you for sharing, I've got a lot of thinking to do.

Edited October 29, 2014 by blondie51

[MissBee]

hi its my first time posting,

I'm married with 3 kids in their late teens and so is he. We dated when we were 19 and and found each other again after 25 years. When we first reunited , it was just to see each other and catch up. We spoke for 2 hours in the car about our lives he said he was happily married and so did I. But then he kissed me. It was magical. We've spoken everyday since ,text or call he wanted to take things slow and we just kissed and talked for the first 3 months and for the last 3 months it has become so passionate so intense like nothing I've experienced before and for him to. He told me he's always loved me ,always thought about ,me always looked me up . We tell each other we love each other at least 50 times a day. We are best friends, he tells me everything and I tell him everything we promise to be honest with each other. when we first reunited he was having sex with his wife twice a week and he was the one who always initiated, now he doesn't initiate anymore.. so now they're having sex about twice a month but can't maintain an erection with her twice already. Was wondering if this happened to any MOM out there.. thanks

 

We didn't talk about the sex he was or wasn't having with his SO.

 

I personally couldn't have stood to listen to him discuss how many times they had sex and whether he could maintain an erection with her or not. I figured they had sex as he never tried to say they didn't; however, I didn't need it confirmed through any discussions of it on his part.

 

So we never discussed anything like that. However, I'm curious about what's at stake for you why you're asking about this? Are you hoping to help him fix the issue? Are you happy about it? Do you take it as a sign of loyalty to you and thus meaningful?

Edited October 29, 2014 by MissBee

[DKT3]

I think OP is using the infromation to gauge the connection in the marriage. She is ready to walk away from her marriage.

 

Interesting turn is MM has no interest of the sex life in her marriage. To me this yells that he isn't in the same place as she is in terms of the end game of leaving the marriages and being together.

[Lurkeraspect]

We don't want to deal with fallout of everything we are going to go thru, but its getting harder , we both want to be together. He always says he will never lose me again and if he gets caught, he will be with me. I tell him thats easy to say now, but hes been adamant about that. He's even had me show up at weekend getaway with wife. We'd sneak away. He says he knows he'll be caught eventually. I tell him that is the worst way. Everyone will hate us. He says time will heal all wounds. I could use advice, Idont wwant to hurt my husband and kids nor his wife, just love him so much.

 

I hope you'll do some reading here. There have been some very recent threads with women who are/were in the same situation as you. They've been busted, are now doing all in their power to save their marriage. The fog has lifted, and they are now scrambling to salvage their marriage.

 

Are you really sure that you're 100% over your husband and having the life you enjoy? Are you 100% sure once discovered that this other MM won't just pitch you under the bus? You're playing with fire. You're in danger of losing everything (even if you don't know it now) that you hold dear.

 

Is he worth it? All you could lose?

[beach]

If you're that important to your OM and love him that much - then tell him you're informing your husband today and you expect him to do the same with his wife.

 

I think you'll get your answer immediately whether or not he REALLY intends to be with you long term.