has anyone's mm ever became impotent with their BW?

[Lady2163]

Hi, blondie....interesting post.

 

You're both in your 40s. Assuming the isn't feeling guilty, there could be some other factors.

 

He's been married for a few years as well? His body and mind Coukd have become adjusted to typical married sex. 15 to 30 minutes of romping a few times a month. Affairs are exciting because there is more foreplay, talking, teasing, affirmations. Months ago on here someone made the point that the OW knows she is competing with the wife and she pulls out all the stops and extras. Whereas the wife doesn't know she is no longer measuring up in the bedroom, so how important is it to do the extra touches?

 

It may be tough for him to get aroused at the thought of plain old missionary sex with her when he can have upside down trapeze sex on a trampoline in zero gravity with you.

 

I had a situation with my married friend and aging. We would have sex three times in a 24 hour period and as we aged, his recovery time became longer and longer. His wife started menopause and there were other body issues to contend with. He did have probems getting and maintaining an erection with her after being with me. It probably had to do with aging, biology, arousal/foreplay and yes, guilt.

 

We did talk about our sex life and at times their sex life. To have good sex you have to communicate. This was/is not something his wife did. We are older and from a time and generation where sex was dirty and nice girls didn't enjoy it and certainly didnt put THAT in their mouth. My knowledge of their sex life would be more than she would want me to know, but way way WAY less than what I know about my best friends....or even my parents sex life when they were alive. (I found my dads Viagra pills when he died and this was back when the use of Viagra was very hush-hush. We didn't spend our time bashing the wife. Often it was comparisons.

[blondie51]

Some of the other things you've mentioned in your comments on the thread reminds me of the things my MM has said or done in our R. Let's just say the simple response I could give you is: Run. Please run. Please run far away from him.

 

He is attacking against his mommy, which is his W. He wants to throw it in her face that he can do as he wants, when he wants and he's not there for her pleasure any more. My MM worked his way up from just quick brushes with risk to calling me on his vacations, brushing his hand against mine at a function while his W was a few seats away, to talking about fantasies where he snuck me into their house while she slept so she could be made to watch... he's a wounded little boy who is rebelling and when he gets caught he'll only gaslight his W into believing he's done nothing wrong.

 

His impotence? He's punishing her. Denying her sex. Denying her intimacy. He's controlling that M. He's not letting the W have what she wants because maybe she's denied him affection for being a bad husband in the past or present.

 

I'm sure if you look a little deeper into conversations you've had with him or things that may have felt naughty at first but then made you uneasy... you'll see some of these things he's discusses with you aren't out of love - it's out of seeing what your boundaries are. What will drive you away, what you'll put up with.

 

I'm several years in with mine and I just... I see signs in your posts that allude to the same sort of toxic relationship mine began building with me. It doesn't get better. It gets worse. It tests your sanity and trust me when I say one day he will pull your strings just as he does his Ws and you won't see it coming.

 

So basically I'm here for some warped psychological problem he has. I wonder if your married man's wife runs the show at their house. I think that is thd situation with mine. She's in control and he goes along with out question. Im thinking you are so right, this is a way to rebel. He says he's been speaking up lately and giving it back to her since I came into his life. Im wondering how long have you been together with your mm? And does he ever discuss future with you? You know my mm was angry with himself when he couldn't perform with his wife the other night. I asked him why would he be mad at himself. Its mostlikely because of our relationship that is causing it . He said but im still a man and ive made love to her for 25 yrs. He said he doesn't know the reason its been happening. Everything you wrote, made so much sense. Thank you for any advice you can give me

[blondie51]

Hi, blondie....interesting post.

 

You're both in your 40s. Assuming the isn't feeling guilty, there could be some other factors.

 

He's been married for a few years as well? His body and mind Coukd have become adjusted to typical married sex. 15 to 30 minutes of romping a few times a month. Affairs are exciting because there is more foreplay, talking, teasing, affirmations. Months ago on here someone made the point that the OW knows she is competing with the wife and she pulls out all the stops and extras. Whereas the wife doesn't know she is no longer measuring up in the bedroom, so how important is it to do the extra touches?

 

It may be tough for him to get aroused at the thought of plain old missionary sex with her when he can have upside down trapeze sex on a trampoline in zero gravity with you.

 

I had a situation with my married friend and aging. We would have sex three times in a 24 hour period and as we aged, his recovery time became longer and longer. His wife started menopause and there were other body issues to contend with. He did have probems getting and maintaining an erection with her after being with me. It probably had to do with aging, biology, arousal/foreplay and yes, guilt.

 

We did talk about our sex life and at times their sex life. To have good sex you have to communicate. This was/is not something his wife did. We are older and from a time and generation where sex was dirty and nice girls didn't enjoy it and certainly didnt put THAT in their mouth. My knowledge of their sex life would be more than she would want me to know, but way way WAY less than what I know about my best friends....or even my parents sex life when they were alive. (I found my dads Viagra pills when he died and this was back when the use of Viagra was very hush-hush. We didn't spend our time bashing the wife. Often it was comparisons.

 

I know that is true, especially since she does not like giving or receiving oral. He says he feels no guilt so I think it could be everything you posted. Hes baffled as to why its happened twice. I never knew a man could consciously not perform. But if that's the case, why is he angry at himself. Im gettin getting fed up. Fed up with waiting to see him, to see if she made plans for them first. Fed up wigh wondering if they are doing it. Why am I doing this? The more I see these posts, the more I realize hd won't leave his wife. Thank you for your great advice

[cocorico]

From what I've heard from men I know who have had As, it's pretty common for them to become impotent with their BW, especially if they are emotionally invested in the A (when sex with the BW feels like "cheating" on the AP) or if they are serially monogamous by nature and have transferred their commitment to the AP, or they are feeling guilty.

[lovinDKT3]

I know that is true, especially since she does not like giving or receiving oral. He says he feels no guilt so I think it could be everything you posted. Hes baffled as to why its happened twice. I never knew a man could consciously not perform. But if that's the case, why is he angry at himself. Im gettin getting fed up. Fed up with waiting to see him, to see if she made plans for them first. Fed up wigh wondering if they are doing it. Why am I doing this? The more I see these posts, the more I realize hd won't leave his wife. Thank you for your great advice

 

And there it is. By telling you he can't get it or keep it up he is telling you what you want to hear. Yet he doesn't care about you still having sex with your husband. I don't think this he a man with long term plans. Seems more like getting what he wants short term is what he is after. You are ready to hand over your future and give up everything to be with him. He isn't on the same page, no matter how much you want to believe it

[blondie51]

And there it is. By telling you he can't get it or keep it up he is telling you what you want to hear. Yet he doesn't care about you still having sex with your husband. I don't think this he a man with long term plans. Seems more like getting what he wants short term is what he is after. You are ready to hand over your future and give up everything to be with him. He isn't on the same page, no matter how much you want to believe it

 

I asked him early on about it bothering him if I have sex with my husband but he had the convenience of knowing I hadnt had intercourse in a while. His response was, who am I to tell you not to have sex with your husband. He's been your husband for almost 25 years. It doesn't bother me but if you were with someone else, now that would bother me.

[beach]

I asked him early on about it bothering him if I have sex with my husband but he had the convenience of knowing I hadnt had intercourse in a while. His response was, who am I to tell you not to have sex with your husband. He's been your husband for almost 25 years. It doesn't bother me but if you were with someone else, now that would bother me.

 

Yuck... Just yucky.

 

Blondie - what do you seek from this MOM? My hope for you is that you are realistic about it with no expectations.

 

He's using you and you are using him. A mutually satisfying scenario of great pretending.

 

Can you see that part in it?

[blondie51]

Yuck... Just yucky.

 

Blondie - what do you seek from this MOM? My hope for you is that you are realistic about it with no expectations.

 

He's using you and you are using him. A mutually satisfying scenario of great pretending.

 

Can you see that part in it?

 

Why are we pretending? What am I too blind to see?

[beach]

Why are we pretending? What am I too blind to see?

 

That it's an affair...

 

Pretending by being married to others yet continuing like this is a real relationship when it is secret, hidden and forbidden.

 

What do you want Blondie? You want this OM all to yourself or you want to stay married and keep cheating with him?

[blondie51]

That it's an affair...

 

Pretending by being married to others yet continuing like this is a real relationship when it is secret, hidden and forbidden.

 

What do you want Blondie? You want this OM all to yourself or you want to stay married and keep cheating with him?

 

I guess im following his lead, I feel stuck, scared to leave, but I love him, he loves me , I know he does, tell me everday. He makes me feel wanted and loved, something I haven't felt in many years. Do I want him all to myself... yes, I know its selfish, but its how I feel. , Thank you

[beach]

I guess im following his lead, I feel stuck, scared to leave, but I love him, he loves me , I know he does, tell me everday. He makes me feel wanted and loved, something I haven't felt in many years. Do I want him all to myself... yes, I know its selfish, but its how I feel. , Thank you

 

Ok then, tell him that and ask him if he's willing to leave his marriage and end that now.

[curiousGeorge2]

Ok then, tell him that and ask him if he's willing to leave his marriage and end that now.

 

 

I don't think this has much to do with the original question.

 

To answer the original question, the mm probably feels guilty.

[beach]

My suggestion was based on her being honest about how she feels and what she wants.

 

She can't expect to get any of that without stating her expectations.

[GypsumSatellite]

So basically I'm here for some warped psychological problem he has. I wonder if your married man's wife runs the show at their house. I think that is thd situation with mine. She's in control and he goes along with out question. Im thinking you are so right, this is a way to rebel. He says he's been speaking up lately and giving it back to her since I came into his life. Im wondering how long have you been together with your mm? And does he ever discuss future with you? You know my mm was angry with himself when he couldn't perform with his wife the other night. I asked him why would he be mad at himself. Its mostlikely because of our relationship that is causing it . He said but im still a man and ive made love to her for 25 yrs. He said he doesn't know the reason its been happening. Everything you wrote, made so much sense. Thank you for any advice you can give me

 

My MM is a very insecure man who gets mad at himself if he's anything short of a perfect lover in the bedroom. He talked about their sex life when we were only friends and back then I had suggested a few things for him to tweak... but I think his inability to give her orgasms and maintain an erection wounded him a lot. Then again, if I'd have to put up with his behavior 24/7/365... I'd have trouble getting off, too.

 

There's a psychological need that he's fulfilling for you and your for him. I can't specifically say what it may be in your R, but that bit where he affirms he loves you and wants to make you feel wanted and loved because you haven't felt that way in years? He wants to be the one who does that, similarly he doesn't want another man that isn't your husband to be able to make you feel that way. That's the control. He knows your husband is no threat, but another man would be. Another man could be more attentive, more loving, more something that he won't be even if he married you.

 

In my R with my MM, we've been together roughly 3 years. No expectations to be together, either. In their house, his W commands the roost. He married his mom, at least in personality. What I know about their M is that his W is more the vocal leader in the R, just like his mother is. He chose a W that would perform the duties he wanted her to perform... because he knew he could find a discreet lover if he wanted one - and boy, he hated it when I figured out I hadn't been his first! My MM also likes to be the rescuer in every R he's ever had. Now, does that mean he has no control? No, he controls plenty. He likes otherwise strong women to become dependent on him in some way - with his W she won't leave because she doesn't want her kids to grow up without a stable home and he originally got me to become dependent on him by taking care of me in a way no other man did in the past.

 

He found out what he needed to know about past relationships when we were just friends to have the right kind of motivations to get me in a position to trust then love him. And right when you trust and love them the most? That's when the other side comes out to play. Little things at first... maybe he toys with inviting you over to his house, or eating at restaurants he's taken his W, or talks about what he prefers appearance wise. It will always begin subtle and then he'll progress to a more forceful "If you do x,y,z, I won't be your man anymore.". When you try to leave, he'll promise to change. When you've had enough, he'll lovebomb you so you'll stay. When you ignore his texts, he'll start calling you every day.

 

And obviously, it takes a whole love of lovebombing to make you forget any of the bad behaviors. That's why people stay in abusive relationships long after they get this first warning signs of "This might not be healthy..."

 

Mine started lovebombing me when he saw I was no longer locked in rose-color glasses with him. We never talked on the phone in the first year of our R, and suddenly when I got tired of the texting and waiting game... he began calling me. It seems over time, he's become dependent on not only the contact with me but how he feels around me. I increased my demands and he started meeting them. It's not out of love... he does it because he's afraid of losing me. Not because he loves me, but because he loves how he feels about himself when he has me. That's one reason he ever told me "I'll never let you go.".

 

I'm not saying this is your MM too... but look up things like emotional manipulation and controlling behaviors in a partner. Look at the stuff they call "red flags". See if any of it ring bells for you. Above everything else, look after yourself. I can tell you right now, if your MM is anything like mine? He won't likely leave her, even if the A gets exposed. He will lie, bluff and charm his way back into her good graces. He's had how many years to know her triggers? That's a fiddle he can play blind-folded.

 

As for me, I've been steadily scaling back on my interactions with my MM. I'm working my way out of the A with therapy and a wider social circle - things that make it harder for a partner to maintain the isolating aspect of control.

[blondie51]

My MM is a very insecure man who gets mad at himself if he's anything short of a perfect lover in the bedroom. He talked about their sex life when we were only friends and back then I had suggested a few things for him to tweak... but I think his inability to give her orgasms and maintain an erection wounded him a lot. Then again, if I'd have to put up with his behavior 24/7/365... I'd have trouble getting off, too.

 

There's a psychological need that he's fulfilling for you and your for him. I can't specifically say what it may be in your R, but that bit where he affirms he loves you and wants to make you feel wanted and loved because you haven't felt that way in years? He wants to be the one who does that, similarly he doesn't want another man that isn't your husband to be able to make you feel that way. That's the control. He knows your husband is no threat, but another man would be. Another man could be more attentive, more loving, more something that he won't be even if he married you.

 

In my R with my MM, we've been together roughly 3 years. No expectations to be together, either. In their house, his W commands the roost. He married his mom, at least in personality. What I know about their M is that his W is more the vocal leader in the R, just like his mother is. He chose a W that would perform the duties he wanted her to perform... because he knew he could find a discreet lover if he wanted one - and boy, he hated it when I figured out I hadn't been his first! My MM also likes to be the rescuer in every R he's ever had. Now, does that mean he has no control? No, he controls plenty. He likes otherwise strong women to become dependent on him in some way - with his W she won't leave because she doesn't want her kids to grow up without a stable home and he originally got me to become dependent on him by taking care of me in a way no other man did in the past.

 

He found out what he needed to know about past relationships when we were just friends to have the right kind of motivations to get me in a position to trust then love him. And right when you trust and love them the most? That's when the other side comes out to play. Little things at first... maybe he toys with inviting you over to his house, or eating at restaurants he's taken his W, or talks about what he prefers appearance wise. It will always begin subtle and then he'll progress to a more forceful "If you do x,y,z, I won't be your man anymore.". When you try to leave, he'll promise to change. When you've had enough, he'll lovebomb you so you'll stay. When you ignore his texts, he'll start calling you every day.

 

And obviously, it takes a whole love of lovebombing to make you forget any of the bad behaviors. That's why people stay in abusive relationships long after they get this first warning signs of "This might not be healthy..."

 

Mine started lovebombing me when he saw I was no longer locked in rose-color glasses with him. We never talked on the phone in the first year of our R, and suddenly when I got tired of the texting and waiting game... he began calling me. It seems over time, he's become dependent on not only the contact with me but how he feels around me. I increased my demands and he started meeting them. It's not out of love... he does it because he's afraid of losing me. Not because he loves me, but because he loves how he feels about himself when he has me. That's one reason he ever told me "I'll never let you go.".

 

I'm not saying this is your MM too... but look up things like emotional manipulation and controlling behaviors in a partner. Look at the stuff they call "red flags". See if any of it ring bells for you. Above everything else, look after yourself. I can tell you right now, if your MM is anything like mine? He won't likely leave her, even if the A gets exposed. He will lie, bluff and charm his way back into her good graces. He's had how many years to know her triggers? That's a fiddle he can play blind-folded.

 

As for me, I've been steadily scaling back on my interactions with my MM. I'm working my way out of the A with therapy and a wider social circle - things that make it harder for a partner to maintain the isolating aspect of control.

 

Wow I read this three times because the similarities are unbelievable. I cant thank you enough . Ive been thinking about therapy myself. One thing you said about finding out you were not his first. Mine told me he has never done this before and could never see himself doing this with anyone other than me,because he's in love and have history.. Now im starting to wonder.thanks again, you're awesome!

[awkward]

What did MM say when you asked what he thought was causing the impotency with his BS?

 

Also, please read Got It's post again. She married her MM.

 

Best case scenario for you is both of you divorce your spouses, marry each other, all the kids blend nicely together, your spouses marry others, and everyone is happy.

 

Worst case scenario, your husband discovers the affair and contacts his wife. MM throws you under the bus, backs it up, revs it up and backs it up again. You divorce, MM sniffs around and you become his OW again. Waiting and waiting for him to leave his marriage. His wife eventually dumps him, they divorce, he loses half of his assets. He decides he doesn't want to get tied down again and starts dating. He won't be able to trust you because you are a cheater.

 

MM might leave his wife on his own (without getting caught) and you two marry. Are you willing to lose everything to find out?

[solostand]

My MM became impotent, or had erectyle dysfunction, with his wife during, especially the last year, of the A with me.

 

He said she had no interest in sex anyway throughout their marriage and it had been 35 years since he had a b.j. Lets just say that issue has been settled, to his amazement and intense happiness.

 

When we talk about his sex life with his wife, or lack thereof, he says he was not attracted to her sexually anymore and just couldn't get it up.

 

With me he has no problems and can even do it twice back to back sometimes.

[blondie51]

What did MM say when you asked what he thought was causing the impotency with his BS?

 

Also, please read Got It's post again. She married her MM.

 

Best case scenario for you is both of you divorce your spouses, marry each other, all the kids blend nicely together, your spouses marry others, and everyone is happy.

 

Worst case scenario, your husband discovers the affair and contacts his wife. MM throws you under the bus, backs it up, revs it up and backs it up again. You divorce, MM sniffs around and you become his OW again. Waiting and waiting for him to leave his marriage. His wife eventually dumps him, they divorce, he loses half of his assets. He decides he doesn't want to get tied down again and starts dating. He won't be able to trust you because you are a cheater.

 

MM might leave his wife on his own (without getting caught) and you two marry. Are you willing to lose everything to find out?

 

My mm said he doesn't know why this is happening with wife, I said maybe because we are so intense and passionate together and now its hard to go back to what he had. He said that's true but im not sure. I dont know why. Thats what he said but its only happened twice so far with wife. He s

Aid , im a man and made love to her for 25 years, im just pissed at myself. I guess he was angry he couldnt perform. Now I haven't heard anything since and am wondering has he ? since we last spoke? But I wont ask, I never do. Everyone's advice is making me see things a little clearer. I appreciate it , thank you all

[Got it]

My mm said he doesn't know why this is happening with wife, I said maybe because we are so intense and passionate together and now its hard to go back to what he had. He said that's true but im not sure. I dont know why. Thats what he said but its only happened twice so far with wife. He s

Aid , im a man and made love to her for 25 years, im just pissed at myself. I guess he was angry he couldnt perform. Now I haven't heard anything since and am wondering has he ? since we last spoke? But I wont ask, I never do. Everyone's advice is making me see things a little clearer. I appreciate it , thank you all

 

blondie - I would say, if I was in your shoes, that I advise him to really deep dive why is this happening, why it is bothering him, and what he wants to do about it. It has always been a sticking point for me when people have physical or emotional reactions and yet don't know why they are having them. This is something that only he can know the answer to and it can be a litany of reasons. But for him to better understand he really should figure it out.

 

I also suggest that you ask the questions that you want answers to. I never understood the belief that there were questions one couldn't/shouldn't ask. There are just questions we chose not to ask, and answers we choose not to know.

[jellybean89]

To answer the original question, there is no way for an OW to know the actual truth of what goes on in the MM's bedroom or with the MM's penis unless you are in the bedroom with the married couple. And since MM and MW are known to not be truthful, I wouldn't believe a word they say regarding the sex between the married persons. No cheating married person is going to tell their affair partner that the sex with the spouse is often, fulfilling, passionate and amazing. Not gonna happen.

 

Plus, since so many OW/OM proclaim that the affair isn't about the sex, what does it matter what goes on in the bedroom of the married couple? Would an OW or OM decide to not have sex with the a MM/MW if they were told the cheater had a very fulfilling sex life with their spouse?

[beach]

It looks like this feeds your ego, yes?

 

It may be or may not be true. But he may figure it feeds your ego and is something you want to hear from him.

 

But keep in mind - he's lies...so you can't trust anything he says.

 

Ask his wife.

[Got it]

To answer the original question, there is no way for an OW to know the actual truth of what goes on in the MM's bedroom or with the MM's penis unless you are in the bedroom with the married couple. And since MM and MW are known to not be truthful, I wouldn't believe a word they say regarding the sex between the married persons. No cheating married person is going to tell their affair partner that the sex with the spouse is often, fulfilling, passionate and amazing. Not gonna happen.

 

Plus, since so many OW/OM proclaim that the affair isn't about the sex, what does it matter what goes on in the bedroom of the married couple? Would an OW or OM decide to not have sex with the a MM/MW if they were told the cheater had a very fulfilling sex life with their spouse?

 

Sure. That would have been a major factor in our affair. To have sex with his spouse means his interpretation of the state of union is not lining up. So, for me, that would have been a major deal.

[Zigoto2]

Well, I'm a BW. And I can assure you that my sex life didn't change while my H was having an A. Gross for me. I would never willingly have sex with someone having sex with somebody else. I did though, for 27 months, without knowing about the other relationship. We averaged 3 to 4 times a week.

[Miss Clavel]

We are sharing everything

 

think about that. you and he and she are sharing everything.

[AmyBamy]

I'm guessing it's pretty common for men to have ED when someone that they aren't attracted to is trying to have sex with them. My ex-husband had an affair and he and I were not having sex for quite some time before and we weren't having sex during his affair with someone else. Many marriages are sexless, it's more common than not.

 

My ex-MM, who is now my bf, had the same problem, verified by his ex wife (she screeched it out at a function that he couldn't get it up with her and for me to have fun with his limp dick anyway, she's super classy) but he and I have NEVER had a problem with that. He married her for a lot of reasons, but none of them were because he was passionate about her or found her sexy. He thought she was cute and would make a good mother - but that doesn't transfer over very well into the bedroom.

 

After a few years of trying to make the sexual stuff work with her, he just gave up. He says that she was never very good at it, always had really bad breath, and insisted on missionary style, under the covers, in the dark only, and didn't like any type of foreplay or oral sex - to the point that there was no touching of her breasts even. I mean, at that point - what the hell is he supposed to get excited about? So, they just stopped having sex - she never liked it anyway, did it out of duty I guess, and when he realized he couldn't even pretend to be attracted to her or into it, they just stopped (also verified by her).

 

I don't believe the people that say that they have great sex lives, several times a day, and their partner is out "cheating". Men aren't even biologically built for that kind of strain, lol. Not to mention, when would they have time? The WS isn't going to tell the BS that the sex with them is lousy, they might even lie to them and tell them it's great to avoid a fight or hurt feelings - especially if they've tried to discuss it and got crazy reactions previously.

 

Only you can decide if your guy is telling the truth. But could he be? Absolutely. I'm not sure that any man is going to lie and say he has ED if he doesn't - considering the stigma it carries for men. Sounds like he just isn't attracted to his wife anymore, that happens a LOT.

 

I hope that you can figure out one way or another, but if you don't trust him, it's not going to work. If you can't trust him, there really isn't a future. If you can trust him, then you have to - and just take the leap and hope you guessed right. If you didn't, and he was lying, what would that mean? A break up and some heartache? That's kind of the bet we ALL make on any relationship.