gettingstronger Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 I'm trying to figure out why anyone would want to discuss their partners sexual exploits with someone else-why would he discuss his limp d(ck with you-it just seems odd 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 I'm trying to figure out why anyone would want to discuss their partners sexual exploits with someone else-why would he discuss his limp d(ck with you-it just seems odd Probably because it's not happening. It's all smoke and mirrors to get the OP to pity him, and try real hard for that not to be an issue in their relationship. Shame she can't see that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Baby123 Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 Haha, yeah the ones lying and cheating on their wives are at the top of that "true to their word" list. Well he left his W, and got D and has been with me happily now for a year now- so he must have been telling the truth about something I have even heard it from her own mouth, her crying asking how to make attractive. Sorry but it's true- some MM will be completely off sex with there wife when they have it with there AP 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Clavel Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 my ex husband cheated on me and he and i were still having sex. during our confrontation i asked him if he and his "girlfriend" were using protection and he said no. i realized, in spite of his efforts to say married to me, in spite of his crying and begging me not to leave or throw him out that he didn't care if he killed me. he didn't care enough to use a condom. which made what i did to him much much easier. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Redheaded Mistress Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 Probably because it's not happening. It's all smoke and mirrors to get the OP to pity him, and try real hard for that not to be an issue in their relationship. Shame she can't see that. I know the default is to assume the WS is lying and is just plain terrible, lying to everybody about everything, and has no feeling, remorse, or concern for anybody by themselves, but sometimes they are actually telling the OW the truth. If he was trying to snow her into the "poor me and my terrible marriage" line while trying to not undermine the stability of his affair, it seems more likely he'd say "we're never having sex" as opposed to "we used to have sex fairly regularly but I don't initiate anymore, though we're still having sex, and sometimes I'm having performance issues." It'd seem if he's avoiding trouble, what he told her wouldn't be the best one. He has nothing to gain but everything to lose by saying he's still having sex with her, even if it is occasionally. Not all WS's take a break from tying damsels to the railroad tracks while twirling their mustaches. It just seems like some BS's have a hard time believing, accepting, or processing that just because your spouse is lying to you doesn't mean they're lying to their AP. When I was in my affair, I told my AP I wasn't having sex with my husband... And I wasn't. And my AP was truthful about his sex life as well, usually he volunteered information, but if I asked (and I rarely did), I'd have gotten an honest answer. I'm sure that level of honesty doesn't exist for everybody and every affair, but it doesn't mean every affair is just a big ball of lies with everybody lying to everybody about everything. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 He has nothing to gain but everything to lose by saying he's still having sex with her, even if it is occasionally. I disagree. I definitely think there's value in saying "I can't get it up for my W, but I can for you." It's a comparative ego boost, IMO. Plus, it's a far less believable story to say that he never has sex with his W than it is to say he does once and a while but it's not enjoyable. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 I can see that happening out of guilt. But I can't see why any man would tell someone - unless he is using that info to manipulate you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Redheaded Mistress Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 I disagree. I definitely think there's value in saying "I can't get it up for my W, but I can for you." It's a comparative ego boost, IMO. Plus, it's a far less believable story to say that he never has sex with his W than it is to say he does once and a while but it's not enjoyable. Well, if the goal is to say he's unsatisfied with his sex life, he wouldn't need to share the details about impotence. Or he could simply say he doesn't enjoy sex with his wife. Instead, he's saying he's still having occasional sex with her and he can't perform. That's a very different message. Either way, if that's the goal, then that could still very well be true... He may not enjoy sex with his wife. It might not have anything to do with giving her an ego boost. It might simply be him saying that sex with his OW is more enjoyable than sex with his wife. Or the attraction he feels to his OW is more than what he feels to his wife. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 Well, if the goal is to say he's unsatisfied with his sex life, he wouldn't need to share the details about impotence. Or he could simply say he doesn't enjoy sex with his wife. Instead, he's saying he's still having occasional sex with her and he can't perform. That's a very different message. "Need"? No. But it's entirely possible it's an embellishment, for the added sell. It serves to illustrate to the OW what a stark difference there is between her and his BW. If you're going to say you're not enjoying sex with your W, why not really hammer the point home by saying she, unlike you, doesn't even make you hard? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author blondie51 Posted October 29, 2014 Author Share Posted October 29, 2014 We are sharing everything, I dont ask, he volunteered it because it was troubling him and needed to talk about it. He always asks first if it bothers me to hear it and i say no . Part of me wants to know. But I notice as time goes on, its getting harder. Loved your railroad track analogy. He did say he never has that problem with me. We really dont discuss our sex lives with our spouses often.. It came up maybe 3 times in 6 months. I never ask. He is being sincere. He said he doesn't feel guilty at all. Couldnt sleep last night after reading your story. -thanks again Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 blondie51, you asked;- has anyone's mm ever became impotent with their BW? and this is a great imponderable. Unless you are a fly-on-the-wall you'll never know the truth. I can't believe that any BW wouldn't notice that there was a problem with sexual performance - and wonder what was going on. In my case there was an increase in desire on his part throughout his affair which I didn't question until he started wanting very rough sex, which I told him was not acceptable. After DD and until he left there was no sex as I moved into the spare room. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 Yup LL, No fair counting the one or two whose wives booted their sorry asses out of the house which meant the OW got him by default, not by choice. That was my situation ^^^ Those girls (three) I know whose WS left them for another woman did so within 2 months of meeting their AP, and for 2 of them it was the last in a long string of affairs. Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 ...and if he gets caught, he will be with me. This kind of says it all, IMO. He'll be with you IF he gets caught. Why doesn't he just say: "You're my backup plan in case I get busted in this massive lie I'm telling my W." I don't see how this would make you feel special. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Harborview Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 It's possible he's telling the truth or not, only he and his betrayed wife know the answer. My WH would tell his OWs all kinds of lies about our sex life to either: 1. impress them (we have sex twice a day - he's such a stud ! ), 2. make them feel sorry for him (poor guy, never gets sex, or it's subpar), or 3. to share something "personal" to increase a sense of emotional intimacy with her (that when he was with me he no longer felt guilt about the physical intimacy that he and the OW shared because their lovemaking was so special and deep). I think more importantly ask yourself what is going on for you to ask this question? Why are you wondering about this? What are your thoughts below the surface that compelled you to wonder and to seek out guidance about this. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Redheaded Mistress Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 "Need"? No. But it's entirely possible it's an embellishment, for the added sell. It serves to illustrate to the OW what a stark difference there is between her and his BW. If you're going to say you're not enjoying sex with your W, why not really hammer the point home by saying she, unlike you, doesn't even make you hard? But again, why the assumption he's lying? He may very well not enjoy sex with his wife and/or be unable to perform at times. It may not be an embellishment at all but a statement of fact. It seems like people are defaulting to the belief "he's lying" when he very well be having issues performing related to the fact that he doesn't enjoy sex with his wife or he's not attracted to her anymore/like he is with his OW. Just because he lies to his wife doesn't mean he's lying to the OW. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
snappytomcat Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 But again, why the assumption he's lying? He may very well not enjoy sex with his wife and/or be unable to perform at times. It may not be an embellishment at all but a statement of fact. It seems like people are defaulting to the belief "he's lying" when he very well be having issues performing related to the fact that he doesn't enjoy sex with his wife or he's not attracted to her anymore/like he is with his OW. Just because he lies to his wife doesn't mean he's lying to the OW. hes a liar,plain and simple hes lying to the wife,and guaranteed hes lying to the ow,i feel bad for both women,they both need to get rid of his cheating,lying arse Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 But again, why the assumption he's lying? He may very well not enjoy sex with his wife and/or be unable to perform at times. It may not be an embellishment at all but a statement of fact. I'm not debating whether or not he enjoys sex with his W. I get your point, and as another poster said, who really knows whether he does or doesn't. But this specific "issue" he's having just seems like an odd disclosure, and it's not outlandish to think it's an embellishment for the OW's sake. Just because he lies to his wife doesn't mean he's lying to the OW. That's the thing with people who lie on this level, though: they tend not to get the benefit of the doubt as much as people who don't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redheaded Mistress Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 hes a liar,plain and simple hes lying to the wife,and guaranteed hes lying to the ow,i feel bad for both women,they both need to get rid of his cheating,lying arse Just because he's lying to the wife doesn't mean he's lying to the OW. He may have a level of respect for the OW or their relationship he doesn't have for his wife. When we were having our affair, one of the many things my MM's wife hung onto and would throw into everybody's was how she couldn't trust him to tell her the weather. When we were together, he'd lie his butt off so that he could get out the door, get to the phone, or find a way to break out and have contact. When we were NC, he told her whatever he felt like telling her to get her to leave him alone. He lied about so much that when he told her truthful things she didn't want to hear, she didn't believe him. But what really caused her to go from zero to 60 was she knew he never, ever, at any point during our affair told me anything he knew to be a lie. Only two times did he ever intentionally lie to me. That. Drove. Her. Mental. And she'd say constantly "if he can lie to his wife, he can certainly lie to his *h0re." What she didn't get at the time was that I wasn't "his *h0re," I was the one he wanted a future with. He wanted to do things right with me. The only person who cared about the "wife" title was her. He certainly didn't, especially after he decided he wanted out, and doubly so after said he was done and wanted out. Even when he bounced back and forth between reconciling and leaving, when he was with her it was made really clear that he was there because he felt he had to be, or because he felt he owed her something to try, or because he felt guilty... Not because her feelings about her had changed. I bet that's a common thread among the people who's MM eventually left/divorced and married them. It just all ties back to not affairs are created equal. If this guy is as invested in leaving as he says he is, maybe he is telling her the truth. Who knows. I think a coping technique of many BS's is to be comforted by this idea of "if he'll lie to me, his wife, he'll lie to her too," when the reality of the situation may be totally different. It may be a lot easier to lie to the wife than the OW, he may respect the OW more than the wife, he may be planning a future with the OW that he's not with the wife. If this is this OP's AP's exit affair, which he makes it seem like it is (who knows though when it comes down to putting all the chips on the table) he may very well not give two hoots about lying to his wife, but feel an obligation to her that means he doesn't lie to her. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Redheaded Mistress Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 I'm not debating whether or not he enjoys sex with his W. I get your point, and as another poster said, who really knows whether he does or doesn't. But this specific "issue" he's having just seems like an odd disclosure, and it's not outlandish to think it's an embellishment for the OW's sake. It's not outlandish for it to be a truth or a lie. It could be either. It is an unverifiable thing, unless she has the dubious benefit of a BS who calls and tells her. I just was more finding it interesting that it seemed the general consensus was he was lying, despite the fact it's equally likely it could be true. Without knowing him, it's hard to tell. The OP seems to believe him. I didn't mean it to sound like I was picking on you, just questioning to over-reaching arch that dictates that he must be lying about it. That's the thing with people who lie on this level, though: they tend not to get the benefit of the doubt as much as people who don't. That's true for the BS, maybe even the general public. But for people with different experiences with that person, they may still have earned the benefit of the doubt. Like I said, my husband's ex thinks he lies about everything. When we took a trip, she didn't believe we were actually going until she saw the proof on Facebook. God, just yesterday they argued about the schedule and the mistake was clearly hers, and her default was "you're lying." On the flip side, he's only lied to me twice and he'd sooner jump into traffic than lie to me. The world would have to be ending for him to lie to me. If he says it to me, if he says it to the kids, then you can bet the bank, your life, anything you hold valuable that it's true. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 On the flip side, he's only lied to me twice and he'd sooner jump into traffic than lie to me. The world would have to be ending for him to lie to me. If he says it to me, if he says it to the kids, then you can bet the bank, your life, anything you hold valuable that it's true. That's a beautiful sentiment. And I do hope for your sake that it's true. But to think that applies to even a small percentage of WS's who have proven capable of doing some strange things under certain circumstances would be naive. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
snappytomcat Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 red headed mistress ive enjoyed reading your responses not just on this thread but on others too,but your relationship with your mm is very rare,i believe you are now married?please correct me if im wrong. ive been on these boards for a while now,and every story is sad,and most ow or xow believe that the mm is different than the rest,when for the most part they all say the same things,i swear they must have the same handbook they read. my xws included,but I just want to share that my H,said the same exact thing to his xow,that he slept in his own room,when the truth is even when we got in a fight and I told him to sleep on the couch,he wouldn't he never ever slept on couch or in his own room. he also told xow that he couldn't get it up with me,when reality was he was a horn dog with me,he initiated sex about 97% of the time,we always had a pretty good sex life,but he was telling the xow,how horrible I was,we never had sex,i never wanted to do anything with him,he would go out alone. again,when we would be out with friends or family,people would tell me how much they envy our relationship,cause hes so into me,always kissing me,hugging me cant keep his hands off of me. so it was a big surprise when I found out he had cheated,and even bigger slap in the face when I spoke to the xow,and she had told me all of this im sure it was a big slap to her too,he future faked a lot too,i know not all affairs are alike,but I don't want to give the op a false sense of security that they all endgood,when I reality only a handful do 5 Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 I can tell you what I've read here from the men themselves. There were a few over the years who mentioned erectile issues with the wife and not the AP, and the consensus was that it reflects guilt. If your guy feels guilty, and he'd never leave (waiting for her to find out and throw him out is childish and passive aggressive), you need to prepare for this A to not become a relationship. He doesn't have it in him, and I also advise you to not get too invested in his life cause it won't be your life for long. He's only cheating to rebel, and especially if he had a good marriage, once the a gets exposed, all it will happen would be for the trauma to reignite the spark to a stronger intensity...in the marriage. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Be_Strong Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 (edited) Redheaded Mistress, I don't understand your certainty with respect to your husband's honesty with you. Making the bold and exact statement that he has only lied to you two times ever comes across as very naive. It may be accurate to say that you have only caught him twice, or he has admitted to only two lies. You actually sound a lot like the BS's who at first declare "I know for a fact my spouse is not having an affair" and then find out a week later that their spouse has been having an affair. Almost everyone who gets married thinks they are marrying their soulmate and best friend, and that they have a unique and special bond and that their spouse will never cheat on them. But then it happens. Situational morality is not morality at all. You are either an honest person who doesn't lie, or a dishonest person who does. It's part of a person's character. Ask yourself why would your husband have lied so often to his ex? If it is because he didn't respect her, then that means your husband's moral code is dependant on whoever he is interacting with. What people don't seem to understand is that bad conduct (such as lying) reflects negatively on the person acting badly. Whether I'm speaking to a person I love or a person I hate, I choose not to lie to either because the lie is a reflection of my own character. If your husband lied to his ex because he was a coward (a very common reason for lying) that certainly doesn't insulate you from him lying to you if he fears telling you the truth. Edited October 29, 2014 by Be_Strong 8 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 My guy does not lie to me either. He did not really lie to his ex, but there was omission. When she found his bat phone he immediately ad.tired everything and moved out. Link to post Share on other sites
Redheaded Mistress Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 That's a beautiful sentiment. And I do hope for your sake that it's true. But to think that applies to even a small percentage of WS's who have proven capable of doing some strange things under certain circumstances would be naive. I don't think it applies to every WS, or maybe even most, but I do think it exists... With a higher concentration maybe for those where it's an exit affair. If what this OP's AP is saying is true, this could be just that. Of course, part of the "fun" of affairs is not knowing for sure if that's the case until after you've kind of risked everything. Link to post Share on other sites
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