My ex-girlfriend's rebound/new relationship didn't work out (Updated)

[Fix]

I'm keeping this very short, there is a lot more to this whole beak up but it would be rehashing a lot of stuff I have already talked about.

 

So basically what I am asking is this - My ex left me. Now when she left me I know she had been emotionally cheating, and possibly physically, with a guy from her work... The break up was roughly 4 months ago.. She was obviously working on building a relationship with this guy from the moment we split, but it wasn't until around 2 months later that she put on her facebook that she was in a relationship... Then around a week after that it seems like it was over and the guy was back with his ex.

 

Does this change anything? Regardless of anything that has happened I love her and I want to try and rebuild a new relationship with her. Is there any way to proceed? What effect does her rebound/new relationship failing have?

 

Her birthday is soon, it will be right around a month of no contact then. Will I be doing any harm, other than to my own emotional state, if I text her happy birthday and see if she responds?

[mammasita]

I'm sorry, you're not thinking clearly. Love isn't enough to fix lying and cheating.

 

Do you think that you can love her enough to change her? That will never ever ever ever ever happen.

 

She left you, she chose someone else. She discarded you like yesterdays trash. She doesn't respect you. WHY would you want to be with someone who doesn't consider you or any part of you worth their presence?

 

I'm sure you'll disregard the advice of those of us who have been through it and try to get back with her, I promise you it will end in flames.

[SoThatHappened]

mammasita nailed it.

 

You've got the blinders on.

 

She cheated on you and left you for someone else. Why on earth would you want to get back with someone who did that to you?

 

She'll do it again if you let her.

 

Done with the ex and on with the next should be your motto.

[Frank2thepoint]

The others gave you proper advice. I'm to go supplement it by saying to have self-respect and move on. Don't even waste your time and energy on your ex. Take care of yourself, heal, and find a woman that will respect you. They are out there.

[dclan]

I agree with what everyone is saying.

 

I've read your previous posts. She is not worth it. You shouldn't contact her.

 

If she happens to contact you, and you find in your heart to reconcile with her...I would advice you not to do it.

 

However, I'm going to be realistic here. Since your break up with her was not so long ago, and you still love her, you are probably going to contact her regardless of what we say...

 

 

So my advice to you is that, if you contact her (as you probably will), is be careful

 

Again: I would seriously advice you NOT to contact her, just like everyone told you...but you will probably contact her anyway (at least for one last hook up right?), so be carefull

[Zahara]

Does this change anything?

 

It's doesn't change anything.

 

Regardless of anything that has happened I love her and I want to try and rebuild a new relationship with her. Is there any way to proceed? What effect does her rebound/new relationship failing have?

 

Loving someone doesn't mean you disregard the reality of your situation. The woman was cheating on you. Love alone doesn't make a relationship. If anything, just after an ending, you become a rebound for her.

 

Her birthday is soon, it will be right around a month of no contact then. Will I be doing any harm, other than to my own emotional state, if I text her happy birthday and see if she responds?

 

Please have self-respect and dignity and refrain from contacting her. She cheats and lies to you and you want to wish her happy birthday.

[Fix]

I agree with what everyone is saying.

 

I've read your previous posts. She is not worth it. You shouldn't contact her.

 

If she happens to contact you, and you find in your heart to reconcile with her...I would advice you not to do it.

 

However, I'm going to be realistic here. Since your break up with her was not so long ago, and you still love her, you are probably going to contact her regardless of what we say...

 

 

So my advice to you is that, if you contact her (as you probably will), is be careful

 

Again: I would seriously advice you NOT to contact her, just like everyone told you...but you will probably contact her anyway (at least for one last hook up right?), so be carefull

 

Yeah you're right, I probably will contact her regardless.

 

I know you're all correct, that I should just move on and forget about her, but I am at times a stupid and self destructive person. The truth is I would probably jump back into a relationship with her given the chance, even knowing deep down that it would never last or work out in the end.

 

I suppose what I am asking is, what is her emotional state likely to be at this point? I know you can never really know, but in general where would she be mentally?

 

My thinking is worse that can happen is she simply ignores my text and then I will just have to deal with whatever emotional issues that brings up for me.

[Zahara]

I am at times a stupid and self destructive person. The truth is I would probably jump back into a relationship with her given the chance, even knowing deep down that it would never last or work out in the end..

 

Maybe you should be investing your energy and time into figuring out why your self-esteem and worth is so damaged and why you're self-destructive versus indulging and perpetuating in a vicious cycle that only gets you nowhere.

 

You identify the negatives but yet you shut both eyes and choose to jump in a hole.

 

If you know deep down it would never work then what would be the point in going back? You would like to endure more hurt, more disrespect, more damage to your sense of worth? Doing all that is far more rewarding than you facing your demons and working through your issues and healing?

[LifeNomad]

pretty much what eeveryone else said, don't be a 2nd choice, a secondary option, a just in case,

 

Maybe down the line she will want you back and you will want her back, but she will first need to realize what she lost so when and if you all get back together she wont even think about risking you again. If it doesn't come down to that, sorry to say you were not worth it to her, and only you will know if it truly comes down to that.

[Fix]

Maybe you should be investing your energy and time into figuring out why your self-esteem and worth is so damaged and why you're self-destructive versus indulging and perpetuating in a vicious cycle that only gets you nowhere.

 

You identify the negatives but yet you shut both eyes and choose to jump in a hole.

 

If you know deep down it would never work then what would be the point in going back? You would like to endure more hurt, more disrespect, more damage to your sense of worth? Doing all that is far more rewarding than you facing your demons and working through your issues and healing?

 

I'm a romantic I suppose. These past few months of being single have put me into some dark places, both literally and figuratively, and I feel like if I just let go of my ex and not get her back then the opportunity for real love will be gone also.

 

If I can not get her to see me again, or if I come to find out that she has no interest in me then I won't ever have what I had with her again. I will remain detached and cold. I suppose you could label that as over dramatic, and a lot of you will say everyone feels like that after they lose their love but I have been in other relationships and I know myself very well.

 

What is self-respect or self esteem? It's just a concept, it doesn't mean anything. I don't gain anything by keeping my self respect, and any loss I incur is only emotionally. Why am I better off being able to say 'I may have lost the woman I love but at least I keep my self respect'? What does that even mean? I kept what, a feeling?

 

I am making the decision which you all agree is foolish and I accept that. All I am asking for is advice regarding my situation. If your advice is 'Nothing you do will help, she doesn't love or care for you and she will simply ignore you' then fine.

[mammasita]

Well yeah, she doesn't want you....otherwise.....SHE'D BE WITH YOU.

[Zahara]

I'm a romantic I suppose.

 

Don't confuse being a romantic with having zero boundaries and a lack of self-esteem. Two different things.

 

These past few months of being single have put me into some dark places, both literally and figuratively, and I feel like if I just let go of my ex and not get her back then the opportunity for real love will be gone also.

 

The woman cheated and lied to you. There was no real love. You confuse love for unhealthy dependence.

 

If I can not get her to see me again, or if I come to find out that she has no interest in me then I won't ever have what I had with her again. I will remain detached and cold. I suppose you could label that as over dramatic, and a lot of you will say everyone feels like that after they lose their love but I have been in other relationships and I know myself very well.

 

I have had someone cheat on me and letting go is much harder because not only do you have to deal with losing someone you love, but you have the added pain of dealing with betrayal. Betrayal can cause you go into a darker hole, leaving you feeling jaded and guarded -- it is however not an indication that your life will perpetually stay that way. With time and the work you put into LOVING YOURSELF FIRST, those bleak and dark perceptions go away.

 

What is self-respect or self esteem? It's just a concept, it doesn't mean anything. I don't gain anything by keeping my self respect, and any loss I incur is only emotionally. Why am I better off being able to say 'I may have lost the woman I love but at least I keep my self respect'? What does that even mean? I kept what, a feeling?

 

Self-esteem is knowing and having pride, confidence and personal value in yourself. It's not a fleeting feeling but what you create and develop within yourself.

 

I am making the decision which you all agree is foolish and I accept that. All I am asking for is advice regarding my situation. If your advice is 'Nothing you do will help, she doesn't love or care for you and she will simply ignore you' then fine.

 

Well, it is obvious that her loyalty and feelings to you wavered in that she went with another man. If you still want to pursue her, then reach out to her and face the repercussions. No one can determine her reaction to you. The only way to find out is for you to make your move.

 

Good luck.

[OrchidLover]

All I can think of is are you fking kidding me? Come on now, you can do better than this. Move on! You deserve better! Why do you want to torture yourself with this girl? Where is your pride? Are you going to be happy? Like someone said you are not thinking clear. MOVE ON! F HER!

[ExpatInItaly]

You enjoy touching hot stoves, OP?

[Fix]

Non of that stuff really means anything. What do you want the most in life? The person you love. That's just the way it is. A feeling of pride or self respect or something along those lines is secondary. Having the person you love actually be in your life is worth way more than some sense of pride...

 

'My heart is broken, but I have my self respect!' Oh great, you feel terrible but hey you didn't beg for her back! That makes you the winner... Apparently?

[ExpatInItaly]

Non of that stuff really means anything. What do you want the most in life? The person you love. That's just the way it is. A feeling of pride or self respect or something along those lines is secondary. Having the person you love actually be in your life is worth way more than some sense of pride...

 

'My heart is broken, but I have my self respect!' Oh great, you feel terrible but hey you didn't beg for her back! That makes you the winner... Apparently?

 

Then go ahead and text her on her birthday. If you don't care about self-respect, do whatever the heck you want. Still doesn't mean that she wants you. Still doesn't change the fact she got her rocks off with some other guy who isn't you, man.

 

I can only say that in my case, when the guy I left an ex for decided to end the relationship, I didn't go back to my ex. Why? Because I knew I wasn't in love with him anyway when I stepped out of the relationship. It didn't suddenly change how I felt about my ex. The bottom line was the same:I'd fallen out of love and the relationship was over.

[OrchidLover]

Non of that stuff really means anything. What do you want the most in life? The person you love. That's just the way it is. A feeling of pride or self respect or something along those lines is secondary. Having the person you love actually be in your life is worth way more than some sense of pride...

 

'My heart is broken, but I have my self respect!' Oh great, you feel terrible but hey you didn't beg for her back! That makes you the winner... Apparently?

 

 

I think you have already decided what you want to do. However, you just want our support, but unfortunately, we are beating you with reality, the truth hurts.

Sorry.

[sammiexo]

OP, I am in a similar position as you. My ex emotionally and then physically cheated on me with his co-worker (slept with her AFTER I found out he was emotionally cheating/had kissed her). Currently is seeing her now. His birthday is coming up in a few weeks and I will not be wishing him a hb. I will be thinking of him, sure, erasing him from my mind isn't going to happen overnight- but there is no way he deserves a hb wish after the sh*t he did and put me through. No way. Please do the same, don't give her the satisfaction or win.

 

Remember: you should always be a priority, not an option.

[Fix]

I did it, sent her a happy birthday text. She responded basically just saying thanks. No harm done I don't think. I suppose I am no better off now that I would be if I had just not bothered, but the fact she replied at all was a surprise and that the reply wasn't telling me to go away.

[Fix]

I'v been thinking about this a little today, not been overwhelmed with it, just thinking about it...

 

So before this birthday text the last conversation we had consisted of her telling me to leave her alone, that she didn't think about me or the relationship any more and that I should delete her number... At that point I had said some disrespectful things to her so I suppose she had some right to be annoyed with me, but at the same time she had cheated on and dumped me... So should have been expecting some backlash...

 

Any way, after that I had text her about a month ago basically apologising for the the things I had said, but explaining that it was more to put me on an even keel karmicly than anything else... She never replied, but I also believe she was in some sort of relationship at the time, most likely with the guy she cheated on me with and so most likely didn't want to rock the boat with him by talking to me...

 

So, I text her on her birthday just saying 'Happy birthday, hope it was good'... I sent it, and turned my phone off... When I woke up and turned my phone on I had a text from her saying 'Thanks yeah it was alright.'

 

I was surprised to get a reply at all... And was expecting a '**** off' if anything. I'v told myself not to say anything in response as any more contact maybe met with silence... But, if I am wanting to have some more communication with her and get things to a comfortable level should I use this neutral response as a jumping off point?

[Fix]

Any advice?

[Nathaniel Hawk]

I really understand that it's hard to let got, and that it takes time.

 

But you have to realize that you are wasting your precious time on someone who doesn't deserve anything from you. When she cheats again on his current boyfriend/puppet maybe she will come back to you but I really hope that when that time comes you will have moved on and be happy.

[Diezel]

I'v told myself not to say anything in response as any more contact maybe met with silence... But, if I am wanting to have some more communication with her and get things to a comfortable level should I use this neutral response as a jumping off point?

 

Why would you want to do this?

 

See, this is why people told you not to text her at all.

If you didn't listen before to the good advice of other posters, why should they waste their time again this time?

 

Right answer is you don't keep texting her.

[me85]

No no and I mean NO! I can tell you right now from experience, don't contact her. I've been in your shoes and sometimes when I drink and blackout I still dance around in your shoes like a fool. Meaning, I still sometimes respond or reach out to my ex. It's ridiculous. I'm over him, I don't love him anymore, I guess it's out of habit. I really don't know. But PLEASE, take it from me...love yourself more than that. You think you're being the better person and you are but you're just wasting your time and genuine concern for someone who isn't genuinely concerned about you.

 

Best Wishes,

J

Edited November 4, 2014 by me85

[Fix]

Me and my ex broke up over four months ago now, she dumped me. There have been lots of things said between then and now, but the last month has been no contact... That was until about two weeks ago, when I sent her a happy birthday text... She replied just saying thanks and that her birthday was 'alright'.

 

I waited a week and text her about a coat of hers that had been in the back of my car, just asking if she wanted it or if I could donate it. She replied 'You can bin it'. To be honest I was surprised she was replying to anything I said at all.

 

That same day I decided I wanted to try and see if she would talk to me, I text her again later that day saying 'If you ever feel like talking just give me a text, it'd be nice to catch up'. She replied to this at one in the morning saying 'I'm not sure if that would be a good idea considering what you said to me last time, but thanks'.

 

She was talking about a time a few months after the break up where I said a lot of disrespectful things to her, and basically went off on her. Being childish and stupid really, and now regretfully.

 

So I waited and text her back saying 'That's ashame it'd be good to catch up. I hope you never took what I said to heart, I'v wanted to apologise. I do feel like an idiot for it. Well if you ever fancy it it'd be nice to hear from me'.

She replied about ten minuets later saying 'Yeah it is a shame, but I don't feel like I could trust you with everything said'.

 

I waited a few days to reply as I didn't want to say the wrong thing and I wanted think things over... Do you guys think what she was really saying is 'Thanks but no thanks', being nice about saying she's not interested in talking? Or is she saying it would be nice to talk but she's not sure if it's a good idea?... Also, why would she reply at all, to any text?

 

I eventually replied saying 'It really is, it'd be nice to chat. I get what you're saying though, my own fault only myself to blame. You know I do regret that is the lasting impression I left you with..'

 

She never replied, I waited three/four days and I decided to send another text basically saying the door is open if you want to talk. I wrote 'I can see that I have probably done too much damage for it to be repaired, but I hope you know that I am sorry for what I said, if I could make it right I would. Well if you ever change your mind and want to chat or just need someone to talk to I'm always here and I'd be happy to hear from you'.

 

I sent that last night. I wont contact her again now unless she replies. I was just wanting a few peoples opinions on what she may be thinking/feeling?