My ex-girlfriend's rebound/new relationship didn't work out (Updated)

[idoltree]

I sent that last night. I wont contact her again now unless she replies. I was just wanting a few peoples opinions on what she may be thinking/feeling?

 

What is she thinking? I'm sorry, but it's probably along the lines of "Doesn't he realize that I cheated, at least emotionally, and left him for someone else? Why is he putting up with that and why the hell would he want to 'be there for me?' I must be an amaaaaazing girl that other guys will want to be with, which means I could have this one back any time I want. But he must not really be a catch if he's willing to put up with my treating him badly, so I'm probably not going to want that. If he's willing to hang around and boost my ego enough so this single period of my life isn't so scary, then I'll use that to help me move on to someone new."

 

I hate to be harsh, man, since you seem like a good dude, but in a few months time once you can see clearly you're going to be cringing at your actions and wishing you listened. Just read back on the advice people gave you in this thread. You didn't listen to any of it, because you think that you're an exception.

 

You are in a dream world, where you think that you're not really broken up and that if you just act supportive enough and "there for her", it will make her realize your value and she'll come back. That is not how it works.

 

Caveat 1: There is no guarantee an ex will realize your value, because she is her own person and you cannot control that.

 

Caveat 2: Even if she does see your value, it's no guarantee that she'll want to reconcile. Free will, and all.

 

But, the one fact that never ever changes in a post-breakup dynamic is that an ex must VALUE YOU if they are to come back wanting to reconcile with you. On some level you realize that. But she treated you badly, yet you are inconceivably "there for her", and it is lessening your value. You are actively hurting your chances with this b.s. and you are too stubborn to see it.

 

The reality is that the only way she MIGHT realize your value would be if you accepted the breakup, dropped out of her life (that's right, you're 100% NOT there for her anymore) and you let her experience her life without you as a backup plan. In the meantime, you are taking care of yourself, you are working out, you are doing some activities that are outside of your comfort zone, and you are okay being single and rediscovering who you are. Then, when you're ready to date others, you do that. You're so focused on yourself, you ain't got time to "be there" for a woman who left you for another man.

 

This is the only thing that she will ever pay attention to. People keep telling you that and yet you resist it time and time again. Once she notices that her convenient back up plan is not around, she'll send out feelers to see if you're still there. You have to ignore them. Your goal is to get her feeling insecure about you.

 

If you do this right, then by the time you've healed, you're probably going to be able to take off your rose-colored glasses and realize that she doesn't deserve you.

 

I said all of this to help you, though it probably doesn't feel like it. Frankly, I don't think you should care what she thinks, since I think that you deserve better than her. But I'm willing to help you with your goal of getting her interested in you again, because that's what you want right now. I'm hoping that you'll do a 180 and act in a different way, observe that she'll act just like I said, and use that confidence as a way to regain your self-respect and use your strength to keep moving on from her.

[Diezel]

You're still trying to get back with her?

 

After everything everyone's said to you in the past? Are you a glutton for punishment?

[No Limit]

Sorry OP but you are metaphorically holding a meat grinder against your crotch now.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Sorry to be harsh, FIX, but you are irritating the #$%$ out of her right now. You remind me of an ex I had who would not stop trying to contact me. I had to block him completely though sometimes I still get emails at work. He pushed me so far away with his antics that even the mere thought of him annoys me.

 

Leave her alone.

 

Focus on yourself and your self esteem.

 

Figure out why you think you deserve to be with a cheater.

[msms21]

Ok man listen to me, im in the same boat, my ex left me 4 months ago after 4 years and started dating another guy, she lied to me, used me for her own good, ignored my feelings by keep adding photos with him every f***ing day and deleted my heart completley.

I was crushed, and im still crying every few days, i still think of her a lot and i still miss her like hell.

But i realized i have to keep going, she doesnt worth all this effort you spend on her and belive me, she dont want you right now. If she does she would have contact u.

Either way you only way of getting her back is from her side, you cant fix her mistakes and i guess you've already heard it.

I know you feel like the world ended for u and you know what? I do too. But you have NO CHOICE. Nothing from u will change it and if it does it will be short and break u up again.

 

Leave the woman alone, block her facebook, block her friend's, damn dont even see a picture of her dog.

Im full of rage lately, dont know if it good or bad cause i feel like my heart and body going to explode.

A rain doesnt lasts all night, it stops. same about your feelings right know, they awful but this is life, tell your self "Ok i feel like s**t but ill keep going" with those feelings, cause you have no choice. Try it. Its better than making your mind so exhausted. Try to live with this pain for now and block any contact to her, will get thorough it buddy, because we have too.

Edited November 15, 2014 by msms21

[Fix]

I understand you're all trying to help me and I know what you guys are saying is correct. I know I should just delete all of her information, stop looking at her social media and just start working on myself and moving on.. In fact, if this thread was made by another user I'd be giving him the same advice you guys are giving me... The difference is that I don't want to move on at the moment, what I want is to bring her back into my life for a second chance. I know all the reasons I shouldn't want her and should do everything in my power to avoid her. I know she's toxic and will most likely just carry on hurting me. I know all of this, but it doesn't matter to me. What can I say, I'm a peculiar person and probably a stupid person too...

 

Does't change the fact that what I want is to get her back for a another go at it. So, if any of you can help me with that I'd appreciate it.

 

Just to add she still hasn't replied to my texts and obviously I wont be texting her again unless she texts me or a decent chunk of time passes.

[Coe]

Why would she want you back? You don't value yourself so to her you are worthless. She will move on soon enough with a guy with more self respect. You might not value these traits in yourself but women value that in men.

 

Apologising to someone that cheated on you and dumped you because you said a couple of mean things is pathetic. We all think it and she thinks it.

 

Women don't go for guys they consider worthless and pathetic.

 

Sorry for my honesty.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, she's not giving any indication that she wants to come back. You simply cannot make someone feel the way you do. She knows how you feel and it hasn't changed her stance. Unfortunately, she closed the book on the relationship.

[Fix]

There is every chance you guys are right and she just doesn't want me and is totally over it. She even told me at one point that she no longer thinks about me or the relationship, but I bet you I end up with her again. I'll get what I want from her in the end I just have to make it happen. As it stands I'm only recently doing a real attempt at no contact, as in not texting or calling but also not looking at social media or anything like that... By this time next month, December 16th, we'll be talking again and working towards spending time together.

[Coe]

There is every chance you guys are right and she just doesn't want me and is totally over it. She even told me at one point that she no longer thinks about me or the relationship, but I bet you I end up with her again. I'll get what I want from her in the end I just have to make it happen. As it stands I'm only recently doing a real attempt at no contact, as in not texting or calling but also not looking at social media or anything like that... By this time next month, December 16th, we'll be talking again and working towards spending time together.

 

You say that like you'll have one something. If you do get back with her it will just be til she meets someone else that's a man to run off with. Try not to catch anything she caught off plans A-Z. And buy her lots of mints unless you want the smell of another mans bits wafting into your face. Assuming of course she lets you kiss her.

[Fix]

So I feel like I'm in a better place now, but there have been some new events happening and I'm unsure what to do...

 

I went no contact, number deleted her families numbers deleted, no checking social media. I actually felt like that was it, she was never going to contact me and I should make an actual real effort to move on. Then she text me.

 

So, I don't want to go into any detail, but she has been very unwell the past month or so. She text me last weekend and asked if she could tell me something, I said she could, and she told me about how she's sick. It's been hard for her and her family and still is. We text back and fourth quiet a bit over the next day. I asked her mainly about how she is, but I also asked her why she was texting me and telling me all of this stuff. She said she didn't know really, but that maybe she still wanted to be friends. She also said she didn't think I'd care that she was unwell and she believed that I'd think she deserved it because of the way things ended.

 

After that one day of texting she just simply stopped replying. I don't know why, but I decided to go straight back to no contact. Now I am lost, I don't know what to do... I never at any point said I wanted to be her friend, but I did say that I was there if she needed someone.

 

So, to keep this simple... Are the rules the same if an unwell ex makes contact? Was she simply fishing to see if I was still available to her and now she knows I am she's got what she needed and she's off again? Breadcrumbs or an ego boost I suppose people here would call it... I feel as though I'm in a tricky situation. If she had messaged me just saying hi, and no health problems, I would have simply asked her to meet up and gone from there but with things being how they are I don't know what to do... And now add the fact that she just stopped responding after a day, what do I do?

 

It's annoying as I wanted her to talk to me for so long and then when she did it wasn't the conversation I was expecting, she's very fragile, and if I am honest I don't know how I feel any more about her. I care for her and want her to get better certainly... But I don't know about anything else.

 

What do I do if she makes contact again?

[zen2475]

I went through something kind of similar with my ex. He wasn't ill, but was going to be deployed and was understandably having some feelings of trepidation about it.

 

I've come to realize that contact was to only make him feel better, and had nothing to do with me. There is a lot more to it than what I'm saying here, but the bottom line it was all about him. It set me back, and I realized I just had to completely shut him out of my life.

 

What is important is your progress and happiness. She may be ill and I can understand your concern, but she can deal with it. It just shouldn't be at your expense.

[unforgotten]

If you want her back and for good and I suppose that's what you want than you should go NC immediately.

 

Sooner you realize that the better for you. It took me a month to realize it myself and this forum helped me a lot for the last past days. Do not respond to anything she says. Simply don't do it. Just imagine how would it be if you somehow managed to get to her with your own methods. Sure it might last a while and you two would have some fun but it wouldn't last forever, I bet my money on it. You're in a situation where you have showed her she has a complete control over you. So am I. You're a doormat. She can do whatever she pleases with you. Even though she is the one who cheated on you and disrespected you, you appear as the guilty one. This is just not how you'll get her back. Ignore and say "f*** it" to yourself everyday. Remember her flaws who her new new partner will eventually have to deal with. Work on yourself and try to figure out why this has happened. What was you lacking of? Try to be a better person and one day you two could end together. With your methods this won't happen!

 

And my last and maybe the best advice. Go read other threads with similar stories you have. Go read my own topic and soon you'll realize you'd gave us the same advice. You think your situation is different because you are subjectively personally involved in it. Sooner you'll realize that the better. Go completely no contact and remember. There is absolutely nothing you can say or do that will change her mind. This is out of your control. It's her decision. Just make sure next time you bump into one another you're someone new and better. Attractive, better looking, more fit, with a better job, a new version of you. Go on a date with someone attractive who she was accusing you that you have a thing for her. Make her jealous. Maybe her friends will tell her about you and trust me she'll want to know how you're doing. Then she'll start to wonder if she lost the best thing that ever happened to her and perhaps start crawling back to you. When I'm writing this I can't believe myself what kind of mistakes I did when my ex dumped me. Even though she was the one guilty I was the one doing all the apologizing telling her I'll always be there for her and how we can be friends and how I won't be able to date other girls because she's the love of my life. What an idiot! But I guess most of us go through these mistakes especially if this is your first serious relationship. The damage is done but it's not irreversible. Fixing it starts with going completely no contact! Trust me, just do it or one day you'll be writing a similar post like i am now! We're together in this buddy!

[Jimmyjackson]

So I feel like I'm in a better place now, but there have been some new events happening and I'm unsure what to do...

 

I went no contact, number deleted her families numbers deleted, no checking social media. I actually felt like that was it, she was never going to contact me and I should make an actual real effort to move on. Then she text me.

 

So, I don't want to go into any detail, but she has been very unwell the past month or so. She text me last weekend and asked if she could tell me something, I said she could, and she told me about how she's sick. It's been hard for her and her family and still is. We text back and fourth quiet a bit over the next day. I asked her mainly about how she is, but I also asked her why she was texting me and telling me all of this stuff. She said she didn't know really, but that maybe she still wanted to be friends. She also said she didn't think I'd care that she was unwell and she believed that I'd think she deserved it because of the way things ended.

 

After that one day of texting she just simply stopped replying. I don't know why, but I decided to go straight back to no contact. Now I am lost, I don't know what to do... I never at any point said I wanted to be her friend, but I did say that I was there if she needed someone.

 

So, to keep this simple... Are the rules the same if an unwell ex makes contact? Was she simply fishing to see if I was still available to her and now she knows I am she's got what she needed and she's off again? Breadcrumbs or an ego boost I suppose people here would call it... I feel as though I'm in a tricky situation. If she had messaged me just saying hi, and no health problems, I would have simply asked her to meet up and gone from there but with things being how they are I don't know what to do... And now add the fact that she just stopped responding after a day, what do I do?

 

It's annoying as I wanted her to talk to me for so long and then when she did it wasn't the conversation I was expecting, she's very fragile, and if I am honest I don't know how I feel any more about her. I care for her and want her to get better certainly... But I don't know about anything else.

 

What do I do if she makes contact again?

 

There aren't any 'rules' for an unwell ex; once someone has broken up with you they're no longer your responsibility.

[dclan]

So I feel like I'm in a better place now, but there have been some new events happening and I'm unsure what to do...

 

I went no contact, number deleted her families numbers deleted, no checking social media. I actually felt like that was it, she was never going to contact me and I should make an actual real effort to move on. Then she text me.

 

So, I don't want to go into any detail, but she has been very unwell the past month or so. She text me last weekend and asked if she could tell me something, I said she could, and she told me about how she's sick. It's been hard for her and her family and still is. We text back and fourth quiet a bit over the next day. I asked her mainly about how she is, but I also asked her why she was texting me and telling me all of this stuff. She said she didn't know really, but that maybe she still wanted to be friends. She also said she didn't think I'd care that she was unwell and she believed that I'd think she deserved it because of the way things ended.

 

After that one day of texting she just simply stopped replying. I don't know why, but I decided to go straight back to no contact. Now I am lost, I don't know what to do... I never at any point said I wanted to be her friend, but I did say that I was there if she needed someone.

 

So, to keep this simple... Are the rules the same if an unwell ex makes contact? Was she simply fishing to see if I was still available to her and now she knows I am she's got what she needed and she's off again? Breadcrumbs or an ego boost I suppose people here would call it... I feel as though I'm in a tricky situation. If she had messaged me just saying hi, and no health problems, I would have simply asked her to meet up and gone from there but with things being how they are I don't know what to do... And now add the fact that she just stopped responding after a day, what do I do?

 

It's annoying as I wanted her to talk to me for so long and then when she did it wasn't the conversation I was expecting, she's very fragile, and if I am honest I don't know how I feel any more about her. I care for her and want her to get better certainly... But I don't know about anything else.

 

What do I do if she makes contact again?

 

She didn't text you because she wants to be "friends".

 

She may be missing the "friendship" part of the relationship. The closeness, the support, the person that's always been there for her.

 

What you should have done, when she told you she was sick was ask her:

 

-"Don't you have a boyfriend? Shouldn't you be telling him about your problems? I love you, but that is not my job anymore. Good day".

 

And let her understand the mistake she did.

[Fix]

She didn't text you because she wants to be "friends".

 

She may be missing the "friendship" part of the relationship. The closeness, the support, the person that's always been there for her.

 

What you should have done, when she told you she was sick was ask her:

 

-"Don't you have a boyfriend? Shouldn't you be telling him about your problems? I love you, but that is not my job anymore. Good day".

 

And let her understand the mistake she did.

 

If she didn't want to be friends then why text me and tell me at all? Is it that the most simple answer is the most likely answer and she text me because she was just bored or lonely at that moment, and then she stopped replying when that need was filled?

 

I am no contact again since the last text I sent and I'm trying to remain so... I'm kind of a little annoyed now that she messaged me the way she did. I wanted to talk to her, but not just for her to dump all of her problems on me and then just walk away... Hmm, quiet frustrating.

[Ducktape]

She wanted to see if you were still hooked. You provided her with the answer, made her feel better by giving her an ego boost. Now she doesn't need you anymore as you are disposable attention.

 

The old "I'm sick, I don't feel well, give me attention" trick has been done before. It meant nothing, stick to NC and find someone worth your time!

[Fix]

She wanted to see if you were still hooked. You provided her with the answer, made her feel better by giving her an ego boost. Now she doesn't need you anymore as you are disposable attention.

 

The old "I'm sick, I don't feel well, give me attention" trick has been done before. It meant nothing, stick to NC and find someone worth your time!

 

I just want to be clear that this isn't some flu type of I'm sick... But a serious, sort of near death matter, she is really going through a bad time. I care for her, and want her to get better, but I don't know where I stand or what she wants from me.

[Ducktape]

but I don't know where I stand or what she wants from me.

Actually she made it pretty clear. She doesn't want you in her life anymore, remember?

 

So unless she states otherwise, why read between the lines and make your life so difficult?

[EgoJoe]

Op,

 

 

Read my thread. That's how you handle emotional cheating etc. She had every opportunity but given the chance she still ****ed it up.

 

 

They will try and play you, they will try and deceive you, they will attempt to convince you it's all your fault. These people are damaged. Let it go.

 

 

Your journey is your own. I moved out Sunday, I feel fantastic right now. I've had several of these moments the post few days after bad interactions. This one feels different. Like it's permanent.

[Fix]

Okay, I'm going to carry on as I was. I suppose you guys are right, her texting me doesn't mean anything in the end, just something she decided to do in the moment.

[Fix]

So after her texting me about being unwell it kind of put me to square one, where I was thinking about her all the time wondering why she did it... So after about a week of this I decided to just text her and see what her reaction is... I just tried to have a normal conversation and see if she wanted to meet me... Here is how it went...

 

Me - Hey how are things going? What you doing tomorrow. I'm off work and thought we could do something if you're up to it.

 

Her - Hey how are you? I'm okay I guess, going day by day as usual. I don't have any plans but I'm not really good company right now to be honest. So I don't know if being around me is something you'd want to do?

 

Me - I'm good thanks for asking. I was thinking of seeing he hunger games, but it's fine if that would be a bit much for you. Be nice to see you either way, just to catch up.

 

Her- I'v been wanting to see it for ages now but I don't go out much now unless I have to, and to be honest I would probably freak out. Not sure I'm ready to go out and about just yet.

 

Me - Yeah I'v been wanting to see it too. No problem though I understand. It'd be nice to see any way if you wanted, not sure if you'd be comfortable with that, or am I over the line? It's fine if you'd rather not.

 

Her - It's not that I'm not comfortable, just that it was left on such bad terms, and now we're talking but I don't want you to do this because you pity me and I don't want you to feel like I deserve it either.

 

Me - I don't think you deserve it, and it's not about pity either, it was just about seeing you really.

 

And she never replied to that... What the F? I don't get it. I should add I noticed the same day we where texting she had signed up to a dating site... So, what is going on in her head?

[Zahara]

This one is a piece of work. She cheats on you. Then she blames you for how unkind you were for lashing out at her. Now she's lamenting about how sick she is and how she can't get over the hurt and she shouldn't be pitied. Drama queen.

 

The woman cheated on you. This text exchange has you practically repeating at every sentence begging to see her. What is wrong with you? It's one thing to want someone but disregarding your dignity is another. Women don't find men that behave this way attractive. More like weak and dependent. If anything, she's turned off.

 

And she didn't answer because she doesn't want to see you. She's not up to hanging out but she's on a dating site probably accepting dates and meeting others. Her evading you at your every pleading to see her was her telling you she doesn't want to see you.

 

She used you as an emotional tampon when she was sick, a crutch, a source for attention when she didn't have any other guy to provide that to her -- that's about it.

Edited December 1, 2014 by Zahara

[Fix]

I know you're right. This is really a weird one for me, as I'm not like this with any other girl, I'v just gotten myself so wrapped up in her and I also honestly did worry about her after she told me about being sick.

 

When you spell it out like that it's clear that she is just not a nice person, or at least not to me. Knowing her as well as I do I have a feeling her telling me about being sick was because everyone else in her life was sick of hearing about it. She is over dramatic and she can be very self centred. Why can't I let go?

 

I'v been with other girls, and I'm talking to a girl who I will most likely meet up with next week who seems to be just what I'm looking for... Yet I would swap it for another chance with my ex... I know everyone will say no contact, and chances are I will be doing it fully this week.... But then there is that part of me that feels like as soon as I do it and start getting comfortable with her being out of my life she will come back.

[Zahara]

You can't let go because you've never made the decision TO LET GO. You still have hope, you dwell and you haven't made any attempt to completely go NC and at least allow it to give you the chance to detach from her.

 

And there is no way you should start dating or meeting others because if you are still emotionally attached to your ex, you will never be able to see or find potential in other women, hence you comparing them to her.