OkCupid experiment - From a girl's point of view

[Art_Critic]

Wrong. Maybe that's how it was in the 90s, but it sure as hell isn't like that now.

 

 

Most profiles are all the same. Generic, repetitive, and common.

 

Talking about something in their profile gets buried under the twenty other messages that are talking about her profile.

 

 

Aren't you older and married? How would you know how to use OLD in 2014 for the 20 to 30 age bracket?

 

I was doing OLD in 2005 or so... so maybe my opinion isn't as ancient as you would like to believe.. but yeah.. I was a male in my 40's while doing OLD when I met my wife so I couldn't speak for someone in their 20's but I seriously doubt the rules are any different because of the age.

 

Do you think it is harder for the 20-30 age bracket or the 40's..

 

I am married, happily and have been for 7 years and met my wife on match but try and give what little advice I have to give to help people like yourself who have trouble dating online.

[Ruby Slippers]

You say that, but if every perfect match is 1:1, there are more men looking, and the men are trying harder, surely it is by definition easier for women?

This conversation could go on all day.

 

Different facets of the human experience are harder or easier for women and men. Men work harder during courtship, women work harder during reproduction.

[writergal]

I do have an OLD question, though. This seems as good a place as any to ask it.

 

This guy messaged me. He seems like a good match in every way - EXCEPT... he's pretty overweight. That's just not sexually attractive to me at all.

 

He followed up a couple of times, and I'm wondering if I should message him back and politely tell him the reason I'm not interested. Because all the dude needs to do is lose weight. If the other info is accurate, he would have no trouble if he got in shape.

 

Of course I risk an angry reply, but whatever, I can block him. Worth mentioning to him, or just ignore?

 

Never tell them the *reason* (especially if it's blatantly obvious). You two are complete strangers so there's no need for you to be honest. Just send a polite message, "Thanks for your interest but I don't think we're a good match. Good luck with your search." And that's that. Of course, weight can be lost but personality is permanent.

 

If you like the guy enough and want to meet him, he may have a great personality and surprise you. He may already be on a weight loss plan too but you have no way to know this unless you meet him. But if having him lose weight to date you is your goal, then no, you're better off sending him a polite rejection message.

 

Online dating is rampant with fake profiles for both genders. That's one of the downfalls of relying on digital media to date. You have no idea if the person behind the username is who they say they are. How do you build trust with someone online? I sometimes wonder if that's even possible to do, but then again, it's hard to build trust with someone in person too.

[boilingpoint]

You say that, but if every perfect match is 1:1, there are more men looking, and the men are trying harder, surely it is by definition easier for women?

 

100%, hands down. Of course it's easier for women.

 

The main character in the 40 year old virgin was a guy.

[Keenly]

I was doing OLD in 2005 or so... so maybe my opinion isn't as ancient as you would like to believe.. but yeah.. I was a male in my 40's while doing OLD when I met my wife so I couldn't speak for someone in their 20's but I seriously doubt the rules are any different because of the age.

 

Do you think it is harder for the 20-30 age bracket or the 40's..

 

I am married, happily and have been for 7 years and met my wife on match but try and give what little advice I have to give to help people like yourself who have trouble dating online.

 

Quite honestly I think OLD is faaaaar more difficult in the 20s and 30s for this reason. People in your age bracket are much... MUCH more inclined to be more mature, more serious about finding a relationship, and know what they want.

 

My age bracket likes one night stands, leading people on, open relationships, and a whole bunch of drama and BS that really doesn't need to be in any dating world, but unfortunately it is.

 

 

Take my word for it, online dating is completely different than what you imagine that it is. Waaaaaaaay different.

[Brooke02]

It's like that at first, but it dies off as you stay on there longer. The new profiles go to the top of the profile searches.

[Keenly]

This conversation could go on all day.

 

Different facets of the human experience are harder or easier for women and men. Men work harder during courtship, women work harder during reproduction.

 

Its nice to know that men exist only as sperm donors.

[Ruby Slippers]

People in your age bracket are much... MUCH more inclined to be more mature, more serious about finding a relationship, and know what they want.

I'm not so sure about that. I'm late 30s, and plenty of my target men (late 30s to late 40s) still seem to be in their extended adolescence where they just want cute chicks to come have a pool party with them, recently divorced and jaded, not looking for anything serious, etc.

[Ruby Slippers]

Its nice to know that men exist only as sperm donors.

Right, because that's exactly what I said You could also say women exist only as incubators?

[writergal]

I was doing OLD in 2005 or so... so maybe my opinion isn't as ancient as you would like to believe.. but yeah.. I was a male in my 40's while doing OLD when I met my wife so I couldn't speak for someone in their 20's but I seriously doubt the rules are any different because of the age.

 

Do you think it is harder for the 20-30 age bracket or the 40's..

 

I am married, happily and have been for 7 years and met my wife on match but try and give what little advice I have to give to help people like yourself who have trouble dating online.

 

Art_Critic, you are one of the lucky ones then, to have met your wife through online dating. It's an arduous process (or at least has been for me) and I'm just fed up with either being catfished or used as a temporary ego-boost by men who are still nursing their ego from a recent breakup. I'm 43 and just fed up with not being able to find men online to date who are actually 100% free and clear (i.e. emotionally available) to date.

 

Have to sift through the predators, the desperados, the catfishers, the ego-boosters, the flakers, the narcissists, the commitment-phobes, the liars, the guys who are just looking but not serious, or guys who are already married or in a relationship, or the guy who is married to his blackberry and is too busy to date, or the fantasy-not-reality guy...UGH!! It really is like trying to find a needle in a very large, boundary-less haystack. But it's the same odds as dating in person too, I think. If you don't have good social networks or are socially active, then trying to meet someone to date in person can be next to impossible.

[Keenly]

Right, because that's exactly what I said You could also say women exist only as incubators?

 

Illustrating the absurd with the absurd.

[Brooke02]

 

 

Take my word for it, online dating is completely different than what you imagine that it is. Waaaaaaaay different.

 

And you know this because you were on OLD back in 2005?

I love how you act like you know it all.

[Keenly]

And you know this because you were on OLD back in 2005?

I love how you act like you know it all.

 

I know what I know and that's all that I know.

 

I know when online dating first started and first gained momentum that it was not like it is right now.

 

 

Anyone who says all you have to do is talk about something in some ones profile is not describing the rest of the picture. If I told you that all you had to do to drive is push on the gas pedal, its not going to work in practice, is it?

 

There are many, many more factors at play. If you disagree with what I'm staying, that's fine, nut you shouldn't get mad at the things that are. Because they are.

 

 

Online dating is NOT " oh, I see you like this band, I like them too! Did you check out when they did blah blah blah " and then that some how turns into something.

 

Its a minefield of fake profiles, lies, omissions, flakes, multidaters, male and female attention whores, losers, people looking for casual hookups, and like 5 men and 5 women actually looking for dating.

 

 

 

 

Maybe that's why success is rare, there's only 10 of us .

[Andy_K]

And you know this because you were on OLD back in 2005?

I love how you act like you know it all.

 

I was on online dating back in 05

 

(Well, 06 anyway), and he is right, it's not the same any more at all. The massive increase in popularity of the free sites means it is far, far harder to get noticed on those than it ever used to be. Match is much the same as it ever was though.

[Brooke02]

Online dating is NOT " oh, I see you like this band, I like them too! Did you check out when they did blah blah blah " and then that some how turns into something.

 

Its a minefield of fake profiles, lies, omissions, flakes, multidaters, male and female attention whores, losers, people looking for casual hookups, and like 5 men and 5 women actually looking for dating.

 

 

You have very valid points. I've been on there long enough to know that some of your points are correct. Maybe quantity wise there wasn't that many fakes, hookups, whores etc.. But you can't tell me they weren't there before.

 

Also, your example of

oh, I see you like this band...actually that IS online dating, it's called things in common. And it's great when that's in a profile, great conversations have started from that.

 

But like you said it's most likely different for the age brackets.

[Keenly]

Online dating is NOT " oh, I see you like this band, I like them too! Did you check out when they did blah blah blah " and then that some how turns into something.

 

Its a minefield of fake profiles, lies, omissions, flakes, multidaters, male and female attention whores, losers, people looking for casual hookups, and like 5 men and 5 women actually looking for dating.

 

 

You have very valid points. I've been on there long enough to know that some of your points are correct. Maybe quantity wise there wasn't that many fakes, hookups, whores etc.. But you can't tell me they weren't there before.

 

Also, your example of

oh, I see you like this band...actually that IS online dating, it's called things in common. And it's great when that's in a profile, great conversations have started from that.

 

But like you said it's most likely different for the age brackets.

 

 

 

I can't tell you how many times I've written about something we have in common only to get a reply that contains nothing but empty air.

 

If we use the band as an example, and I have actually, the response I got for that particular one, after writing a paragraph about the band and how their music is both profound and nonsensical at the same time, the response I got back was " yeah, they are pretty cool "

 

 

And at that point I died a little inside.

 

 

I think women would see more success if they sought out what they wanted in online dating.

 

As for the men, I have absolutely no idea. Can you send cash through a message? Haha.

[Ruby Slippers]

As for the men, I have absolutely no idea. Can you send cash through a message? Haha.

Don't do that! If a guy starts to hint about how much money he makes, trips he will take me on, blah blah, I just ignore him. No man I'd want to be with would use his money and material status as bait.

[Brooke02]

 

 

 

I can't tell you how many times I've written about something we have in common only to get a reply that contains nothing but empty air.

 

If we use the band as an example, and I have actually, the response I got for that particular one, after writing a paragraph about the band and how their music is both profound and nonsensical at the same time, the response I got back was " yeah, they are pretty cool "

 

 

And at that point I died a little inside.

 

Well maybe you could start by just asking a question about it? I usually just ask a question about it and go from there. Some people are hard to get a conversation out of them, some are more talkative. If I get 2-3 word responses I'm out.

[Keenly]

Don't do that! If a guy starts to hint about how much money he makes, trips he will take me on, blah blah, I just ignore him. No man I'd want to be with would use his money and material status as bait.

 

I knowwwww I know. I find it so incredibly hard to not make every message the same.

 

Its not because I'm trying to copy paste spam message, but I swear all of these women are using the same playbook when making a profile. They are all the same! Literally identical copies of each other.

 

 

The pictures are even the same! 2 selfies, one group photo involving alcohol, and one travel picture of the girl on some kind of elevated ground, whether its a tall building or a cliff / mountain.

 

Profiles all read " I really don't know what to put here, so Here it goes. I love my family more than anything, I like to have fun and I love the outdoors. I like country music and Nicholas sparks. Message me if you'd like to know more "

 

 

Boom. I just covered almost 1 million profiles.

[normal person]

I can't tell you how many times I've written about something we have in common only to get a reply that contains nothing but empty air.

 

If we use the band as an example, and I have actually, the response I got for that particular one, after writing a paragraph about the band and how their music is both profound and nonsensical at the same time, the response I got back was " yeah, they are pretty cool "

 

The thing that rarely gets mentioned around here is that having something common is just an excuse to start the conversation if she likes you. If she doesn't find you attractive in some way, you could both like the most obscure things and she wouldn't care.

 

Here's a good flow chart to use for OLD:

 

#1. Are you attractive to her?

If yes, respond or ask something mildly funny or interesting about whatever trivial thing she mentioned in her profile. You both can pretend it isn't a painfully obvious dance just to build some baseline comfort and familiarity before you meet in person. (Go to #2)

If no, stop and go to the next girl.

 

#2. Is she responsive?

If yes, ask for her number and imply that you don't have time to waste if she's not going to give it to you: "Well you seem nice enough, so if you want to give me your number we can go out sometime next week. If not, best of luck on here!"

If no, stop and go to the next girl.

 

Then you go out with her and that's the test to see if you have anything (that actually matters) in common .

[Art_Critic]

Art_Critic, you are one of the lucky ones then, to have met your wife through online dating. It's an arduous process (or at least has been for me) and I'm just fed up with either being catfished or used as a temporary ego-boost by men who are still nursing their ego from a recent breakup. I'm 43 and just fed up with not being able to find men online to date who are actually 100% free and clear (i.e. emotionally available) to date.

 

I had to deal with the same stuff as you and Keenly, I deleted my profile a few times in the years I did it too, when I learned that prostitutes used OLD to skim for business I certainly changed in the profiles I used to look at, after running into a few I learned how to spot them and never emailed them again.

 

I also had easy times and hard times getting replies but I still got them..

If I emailed 2-3 women at times none would reply but many times 2 would and then I would go from there either until it petered out or we met for a date... I used humor to get replies and I also fine tuned my profile with the help of female friends...

Turning a person's head is all it took.. if you can do that then you have their attention, albeit short but you still have it.

I always put forth my fun side.. the way I looked at it is that a woman wants to have fun on a date and while I knew I could give her that I still had to convey that in my emails in order to separate myself from all the other emails women were getting...

 

I know women also have to deal with slightly different factors.. like married men...I didn't run into many married women but when I had a fake profile as a woman (to check out the competition as back then they showed the person who viewed their profile) I ran into at least 10 married men in a week... one even sent me naked pictures of himself and I had never spoken to him.. of course this was when match you didn't have to pay to read emails.. that is different today.

 

I would pull your profile, re-write it and post all new pictures.. none form the old profile and see if you get different results..

[somedude81]

There are a lot of horny guys out there liking and clicking any profile hoping for a hit...

If guys spent more time reading a girls profile rather than using cookie cutter emails and just looking at the pictures they may find their reply rate going up.

 

I have never sent out cookie cutter emails to women. Each woman to specialized email specific to her profile.

 

0% response rate.

[Art_Critic]

I also never took it too seriously.. I think sometimes men put too much effort into making sure they go dutch or she pay her way or she drive or whatever..

and they get what they paid for, or not spending any more than a cup of coffee on her.. I have never understood that logic..

 

Dating is about finding out who you are compatible with and what you like and what you dislike in a mate and worrying about superficial stuff ruins the chances to find all that out... they never get to that point because it turns people off and they know they are not going to get a fun date with lots of laughs out of it..

 

I never cared about any of that.. having a fun time for a few hours is all the whole contact was about.. if it died after the first date it did.. and if it didn't well.. then there was a second date, and I had many relationships for up to a year born from OLD..

 

I went on tons of first dates.. had fun on each and every one of them.. and the other person did too, that doesn't mean there was a mutual connection though, having fun on a date and being compatible are not the same thing.

Edited October 28, 2014 by Art_Critic

[BC1980]

Have to sift through the predators, the desperados, the catfishers, the ego-boosters, the flakers, the narcissists, the commitment-phobes, the liars, the guys who are just looking but not serious, or guys who are already married or in a relationship, or the guy who is married to his blackberry and is too busy to date, or the fantasy-not-reality guy...UGH!! It really is like trying to find a needle in a very large, boundary-less haystack. But it's the same odds as dating in person too, I think. If you don't have good social networks or are socially active, then trying to meet someone to date in person can be next to impossible.

 

I totally understand your POV, but, to be fair, I've had to sift through these same people in RL. I did online dating for only 3 months, and it was a mixed bag. However, I can't say the men I went on dates with were any different from the men I have met in real life. I think online dating seems to magnify these issues because you probably meet more people online than you would in RL. There are simply more people, so it seems daunting. Just my experience.

[Gaeta]

Did you look at the quality of men that messaged this female profile??

 

When I activate a profile on that first couple of days I get tons of messages and likes.

 

Once I went through them one by one, that I skimmed out the married men looking for affairs, the 18 year old looking for a sex trip, the couples looking for an extra female, the females looking for a *friend*, the fat, the old and the ugly........there is maybe 1 or 2 good prospect to reply back.