XP: comfort for friend facing jail after 3rd DUI

[beach]

Tell her you love her, and you believe she is worthy of a better life. Tell her you believe her brightest days could be ahead of her, that it is in her power and hers alone to create that future.

 

Remind her that the only direction from here is up.

 

 

Really? I can guarantee you - there's no "up" if she keeps drinking. It doesn't help to lie to her.

[Hope Shimmers]

This would be great if she wasn't in denial and wanted help.

 

But he's stated she isn't intending to change on her own will. That is why posters are typing tough love.

 

Except it's not the OP's job to fix this. She isn't an 'expert', she is just asking how to be a friend. Not how to fix her friend.

[beach]

Except it's not the OP's job to fix this. She isn't an 'expert', she is just asking how to be a friend. Not how to fix her friend.

 

OP was asking how to help the friend.

 

Since the drinker isn't willing to do detox and willing to quit now the OP can only expect that it's likely to look like drinking behavior that causes more harm.

 

My suggestion was to help the kids. The kids are at risk.

[Hope Shimmers]

[/b]

 

Really? I can guarantee you - there's no "up" if she keeps drinking. It doesn't help to lie to her.

 

I know you're trying to help from your experience but you are going way beyond what this friend should be doing. She should be a friend. Period. Let the experts help her.

[xxoo]

While I do think that some comments can enable, I don't think there are any perfect words you can say that will help. So relieve yourself of that burden. It's a dark place she's in. I, too, have been through this with a friend, and most of all I wish I had told her how much I value her while I had the chance

[Hope Shimmers]

OP was asking how to help the friend.

 

Exactly. Help the friend, not cure the friend.

[beach]

Exactly. Help the friend, not cure the friend.

 

Sure! At times - there's that fine line of rewarding bad behavior to the active drinker by even paying attention to them. Sometimes they get that twisted idea that they get MORE attention from others when they keep creating all kinds of chaos.

It's heart breaking for family and friends.

[xxoo]

[/b]

 

Really? I can guarantee you - there's no "up" if she keeps drinking. It doesn't help to lie to her.

 

Yes, really. I didn't say she will move up. I realize that she could stay down, or even die. Believe me, I know that.

 

The point is to remind her that up is possible. Hope for a different future. And belief she can do it.

[beach]

Yes, really. I didn't say she will move up. I realize that she could stay down, or even die. Believe me, I know that.

 

The point is to remind her that up is possible. Hope for a different future. And belief she can do it.

 

Yes, it helps to have people believing you can do it. If she intends to change that IS possible and would be great to support her then.

 

But she isn't yet open to getting help. She's still in denial and resistant to help (according to the OP).

 

That's why I've posted what I've posted.

 

My suggestions would be different if Don's friend was open and willing to change.

 

Makes me sad for the friend.

[xxoo]

Yes, it helps to have people believing you can do it. If she intends to change that IS possible and would be great to support her then.

 

But she isn't yet open to getting help. She's still in denial and resistant to help (according to the OP).

 

That's why I've posted what I've posted.

 

My suggestions would be different if Don's friend was open and willing to change.

 

Makes me sad for the friend.

 

I'm sad for the friend, too.

 

My response is colored by the fact that I know suicide can be successful when hope is lost. There has to be hope.

[beach]

I'm sad for the friend, too.

 

My response is colored by the fact that I know suicide can be successful when hope is lost. There has to be hope.

 

I agree. But hope is only present when things begin to change.

 

The friend hasn't given any indicator that change is the goal.

[Personally Me]

I can understand your compassion and fear for your friend. If she has been feeding her addiction for a long time, I think she is tougher than you think she is.

 

Going to jail may be one rock bottom she hits, with many more to come.

It's a forced sobriety. She could find alcohol in jail, inmates are very clever in making it.

 

You can give her your support when she gets sentenced by visiting her. By then, she may be willing to listen to some harsh realities. You could encourage her to take an addiction program, seek counselling while she is there.

 

Losing her children may be a rock bottom for her. But it's not that simple. If that was the case, all parents active in their addiction would simple stop. That's the sad part.

 

It's a reality that once she finishs her sentence, she may go straight to drinking and her denial. Prepare yourself for that, as well.

 

Don't worry about chauffering her, as some have said here. These are the consequences of her actions and she will have to find a way without a car. I wouldn't suggest you offer that as an incentive. She may use it to the fullest and you will be an enabler. If anything do it with boundaries and limits periodocially.

 

You have many months to cope with your emotions and compassion to use it wisely, then the time comes.

[trippi1432]

Donnie....if there is one bit of advice I could give you...it's like being on an airplane put your oxygen mask on first.

[d0nnivain]

I have zero intention of doing anything for her including helping her kids. They have their father & their grandparents. They are also 18 & 15 so not babies.

 

I did say to all of you, not her, that when she gets out I would drive her to AA meetings if she wanted to go. There is no public transportation where we live so buying her a bus pass is not an option.

 

To the best of my limited knowledge she has not had a drink since this happened. She also can't drive because she does not have a car so she is not presently a danger to the public.

 

Friend is a strong word to describe our relationship. We're probably more like acquaintances. My life goes on unchanged no matter what happens with her.

 

All I wanted to know was how to make her see that there is hope, that she can get help, that she can change if she wants to & that 6 months is not a life sentence. I was looking for some words of comfort to offer her to possibly inspire her to want to seek help instead of wallowing in her misery. To those that responded to that Q, I appreciate your efforts. To those that seemed to want to condemn me, I hope you are never faced with a situation where you need help since you don't seem willing to offer the least be of compassion to others.

 

Finally, & it's my fault for having a gender ambiguous screen name but I am a WOMAN not a man. Please stop calling me sir & referring to me as him.

[beach]

I will pray for your friend Don.

[carhill]

OP, your idea of keeping things simple, like offering a ride to AA meetings, IMO is a great way to offer support.

 

Here's what I did with a similar case, this one still alive and the daughter of a friend, though she has yet to get a DWI, but a long-time problem drinker (known her for over 20 years):

 

1. I don't drink when I'm with her anymore. I don't chastise her for her drinking.

2. When she talks about making lifestyle changes, I simply state 'I'd support that'.

3. I maintain appropriate boundaries since she's married and hers sometimes slip a bit when drinking.

4. When we were last together, I shared, in a caring and not preaching way, how our friend died and the parallels I noted and left it at that.

 

She doesn't live locally but I 'check in' on her occasionally and also occasionally suggest to her father to 'give her a call' or ask him 'how's xxx doing?' or similar. We're longtime best friends so we can do that kind of stuff.

 

Since you've clarified your relationship, this kind of involvement is likely beyond what is typical and appropriate. As an acquaintance, I think your idea of making simple offers of support and, if you know her family, showing them support, are helpful and appropriate actions you can choose to take. A friendly voice, even if only heard once in awhile, can be comforting.

[Divasu]

I have zero intention of doing anything for her including helping her kids. They have their father & their grandparents. They are also 18 & 15 so not babies.

 

I did say to all of you, not her, that when she gets out I would drive her to AA meetings if she wanted to go. There is no public transportation where we live so buying her a bus pass is not an option.

 

To the best of my limited knowledge she has not had a drink since this happened. She also can't drive because she does not have a car so she is not presently a danger to the public.

 

Friend is a strong word to describe our relationship. We're probably more like acquaintances. My life goes on unchanged no matter what happens with her.

 

All I wanted to know was how to make her see that there is hope, that she can get help, that she can change if she wants to & that 6 months is not a life sentence. I was looking for some words of comfort to offer her to possibly inspire her to want to seek help instead of wallowing in her misery. To those that responded to that Q, I appreciate your efforts. To those that seemed to want to condemn me, I hope you are never faced with a situation where you need help since you don't seem willing to offer the least be of compassion to others.

 

Finally, & it's my fault for having a gender ambiguous screen name but I am a WOMAN not a man. Please stop calling me sir & referring to me as him.

 

My apologies, my understanding was she was a friend of whom you are close with... So thank you for further clarifying. I suppose, the best you can do is offer words of support in a way that instills a glimmer of hope and a light at the end of the tunnel. It's a day-by-day process.

 

I'm not going to choose your words for you, I think it's best they come from the heart. Best of luck.

[Emilia]

Since you've clarified your relationship, this kind of involvement is likely beyond what is typical and appropriate. As an acquaintance, I think your idea of making simple offers of support and, if you know her family, showing them support, are helpful and appropriate actions you can choose to take. A friendly voice, even if only heard once in awhile, can be comforting.

Yes, this.