Do guys give girls second chances? Should I ask him out?

[Boooberry123]

There's a guy who I've just started to know from the office. Sometimes we even bump into each other outside the office. We started chatting and he would ask me questions. We added each other on Facebook and text each other. He is 37 and I am 29.

 

Last week I bumped into him on the train. I sat down next to him. He said I smelt really really good. He then squeezed my knee a few times and said haha is that ticklish? When the train shook he held my arm. Leaving the train station he guided the way by gently pushing my back. He asked me if I wanted to go with him for lunch after work. Because I was interested I said sure. We went for lunch and actually instead of going somewhere closeby we ended up taking the train somewhere else. On the escalator he stood really really close behind me because it was a packed escalator. He said 'I'm right behind your neck, but it's ok cos you smell really good'. Lunch was a fun affair and we had a good time. After lunch he gave me a cheek to cheek hug when we parted.

 

He will text me nearly every day randomly to see what I'm doing and add 'hugs' randomly in his messages.

 

A few days ago, he texted to ask if I had plans for the evening and I said no. He asked if I wanted to go eat out with him. I freaked out because I was thinking he might want a relationship so I said 'I'd love to, but not right now'. He texted back 'Why?' I said 'Yes, but just as friends'. He then texts back saying, 'Huh?? So you think I've been courting you? What part of my behaviour makes you think this?'I said 'no im not assuming anything' he says 'well from your text it sounds like you are'. I said 'I thought it would be polite to say it, i said it just in case'. He said he was only being friendly. I said 'ok forget anything i said then. Still friends?' and he said 'yeah but what you said was odd'.

 

I saw him the day after work and it was a bit awkward. He still patted my hair, but looked a bit embarrassed. We also just parted ways later on after work, unlike last week where we went out for lunch.

 

I now regret saying no. I'd be interested in a relationship with him just not rushing things. Do you think he will still like me or is he totally turned off by what I said? He did seem to like me a lot. He will probably not ask me again, so do you think I should take the initiative next week to ask him out for lunch again? thank you!!

Edited October 29, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Jules Dash]

You two both are a bit funny about this.

 

 

Ask him out and show that you are interested if you are. Why make this difficult when you can make it easy?

[Assasda]

I'll tell you this right now as a man.

He is totally turned off by you OP. - and he may think youre a little childish

 

You jumped the gun, thinking about relationships, when the guy was just getting to know you as a person

 

There is no more hiding.

If you want a 2nd chance, youre going to have to go up to him, and tell him that YOU want to go out with hum, as more than just friends

Tell him what you told us.

 

Thats the only way I see you solving your problem

[Boooberry123]

I wanted to go out with him, but I knew that it was wrong because I have a boyfriend already, so I said that I couldn't right now, but we could as friends. I didn't want to look like I was leading him on if it did happen to be a date, but I did really want to go out with him.

I'm not even sure if my boyfriend is the one for me anymore, we don't talk at all and it's like we are just room mates.

[PegNosePete]

I wanted to go out with him, but I knew that it was wrong because I have a boyfriend already

Well I was going to agree with Assasda, until you dropped this bombshell on us. Why did you leave out this rather pertinent information form your original post?

 

If you're not happy with your boyfriend then you should end your relationship before starting a new one.

 

Don't lead on other guys while you have a boyfriend. Correct response was not "I'd love to but not right now", the correct response is "thanks but I have a boyfriend".

 

You're really 27? I would expect this kind of behaviour from an 18 year old. Don't mess people around like this.

[Jules Dash]

I wanted to go out with him, but I knew that it was wrong because I have a boyfriend already, so I said that I couldn't right now, but we could...

 

So you just happen to overlook the most important information of your whole situation when you created this thread? How can someone truly respond to your situation in that case?

[Chemist]

Tell your boyfriend the story of how a guy was commenting on how you smell, touching your leg, touching you on the back as you walked.

 

Ask him if it's okay that you go out for lunch with him. As just friends.

 

Bahaha.

 

That is heavy heavy flirting. I only touch girls that I am into. Especially in these ways. I hold the door for every girl, but if I am attracted to a girl, I will place my hand on her back when she walks by me.

 

I touch her leg when I am flirting. He wasn't looking for a relationship, but he certainly was looking to flirt and see if you were attracted to him.

 

I've spent 5 years in a relationship and I am in the process of getting out of it now. Let me tell you, when I meet girls now that are attractive, I do not tell them I have a girlfriend. When I was happy and in a relationship, that was the first thing that came out of my mouth. I mean, not in an obvious way, but in a general way just so they knew. Now, after being straight up asked out for a date (dinner when you've already been friends isn't a date unless it is called a date, but dinner with a stranger is a date), you should have dropped the BF bomb. The fact you didn't tells me you are not even content with your relationship, but bored and wanting a way out. Just break up with him now or your next relationship with flirty weight lifter is an automatic a failure.

[Diezel]

I wanted to go out with him, but I knew that it was wrong because I have a boyfriend already, so I said that I couldn't right now, but we could as friends. I didn't want to look like I was leading him on if it did happen to be a date, but I did really want to go out with him.

I'm not even sure if my boyfriend is the one for me anymore, we don't talk at all and it's like we are just room mates.

 

Um.

 

Really?

 

Dump your boyfriend is the only piece of advice I can give you in this thread.

Wow.

 

"I'm not sure my boyfriend is the one, so instead, I'll go out with other guys instead, only as long as they realize it's just as friends first."

 

The exchange where you said "I'd love to, but not right now" was cringe-worthy within itself. But to add onto that that you are already in a relationship? Wow.

[InsaneTrombone]

Mind.Blown.

[HereNorThere]

He was back-tracking to save face because you just shot him down. With that being said, you already know this guy is into you. You need to have better boundaries when it comes to this sort of thing. In my opinion, you have already crossed the line for what is appropriate behavior for someone in a relationship.

[Frank2thepoint]

I freaked out because I was thinking he might want a relationship so I said 'I'd love to, but not right now'.

 

I now regret saying no. I'd be interested in a relationship with him just not rushing things.

 

I was going to respond to these two contradicting statements. But...

 

 

I wanted to go out with him, but I knew that it was wrong because I have a boyfriend already

 

...Then you dropped this golden nugget, in a separate post. I laughed really hard at this, because you have bigger problems than hoping some guy gives you a second chance.

 

I don't know who to feel sorry for. Your boyfriend, the guy from work, or us readers for losing precious sanity from reading your situation.

[Boooberry123]

Thanks for the input guys.

 

I've been with my boyfriend for over 5 years, he's my first. I wouldn't know how to break up with him since we've been together for so long. He really is the perfect boyfriend in many ways- so loving, kind and patient. However, I find that our interests are quite different. He is more the stable, concentrating on career type, whereas I love to have excitement in my life and travel. He doesn't like to venture out of his comfort zone, and his only hobby is work. At home we often do our own things (his is work related) and sit in companionable silence.

 

I guess I went out with this other guy because I was attracted to him and just wanted to enjoy myself. He is much more exciting to be around than my boyfriend but I don't think he would make as good a partner.

 

Quite often I think whether I settled for my first boyfriend too quickly and let things get too serious too fast? We moved in together only 3 months after meeting and have lived together since then. To me, he is like family. But to think of getting married to him sounds scary. I would know how it would be- very nice, very stable, but not exciting.

 

I'm afraid of breaking up with my boyfriend and yet I'm also afraid of not finding a better guy.

 

I'm in two minds of letting this other guy go, stop thinking about him, or try to strike a friendship again.

Edited October 30, 2014 by Boooberry123

[Chemist]

Stringing along your current boyfriend is selfish. You shouldn't just keep him around because of your fear of being single or breaking up with him. The longer you wait, the more unfair it is to him.

 

Further, he seems like a good man, so let him go, he will find someone to appreciate him for his hardwork and character. You on the other hand will be tossed out into the world of players and 'exciting' bad boys who can't hold steady jobs. You may never get him back if you find you miss the stability he provided. It seems you have wild oats to sow if this is a problem.

 

The new guy is most likely exciting because he is new and different. Trust me, not many men are sooooo exciting. This new guy will be the same boring man who works and goes to the gym every day. He will lose this exciting charm as you start to knew him because, like all, he too will become familiar.

 

Think carefully. You haven't done anything yet, but I would not push anything forward with Richard Simmons before breaking up with your bf. Most likely, he will not want to be your friend at first, but if you do him wrong, he will never be your friend.

 

The other option is to communicate to your five year old spouse that you need something more in life. That this is your life too, and you're bored and you want more excitement. It is a two player game, relationships, and you are as responsible for your boredom in it as he is.

[PegNosePete]

I've been with my boyfriend for over 5 years, he's my first. I wouldn't know how to break up with him

"Hey boyfriend, we need to talk."

 

That should alert him to what's coming. It's the phrase nobody wants to hear.

 

"I have really enjoyed our time together but my feelings have been fading for some time now. I'm afraid I don't see our relationship going anywhere."

 

I'm in two minds of letting this other guy go, stop thinking about him, or try to strike a friendship again.

You need to sort out your relationship FIRST.

[Diezel]

I'm in two minds of letting this other guy go, stop thinking about him, or try to strike a friendship again.

 

Can't wait to see the post from your boyfriend in the Cheating forums...

[Frank2thepoint]

However, I find that our interests are quite different. He is more the stable, concentrating on career type, whereas I love to have excitement in my life and travel.

 

This is the crux of the matter. If it's been like this for the past 5 years, it will not change. Unless you talk to your boyfriend at being more spontaneous. I'm going to assume that over the 5 years you have voiced your concerns about this and he hasn't done anything to improve. Hence why you are entertaining the idea of breaking up with him.

 

It is great that your boyfriend is dependable and a great guy, but I do agree with you Boooberry123 (up to a point) that some form of excitement, spontaneity is needed in any romantic relationship to prevent it from becoming stagnant. If he is not engaging you in the relationship, not putting in effort, at least a minimum of what you would like, he is taking you for granted.

 

 

I'm afraid of breaking up with my boyfriend and yet I'm also afraid of not finding a better guy.

 

My honest advice, break up with him. Say something like PegNosePete suggested. Just end it with your boyfriend. You two are not compatible; no reason to drag it out any further. You said it yourself you like excitement. Well here is your opportunity to do something exciting. Nothing is more exciting than facing your fear. You will never know about finding someone more compatible to your personality unless you try.

[Assasda]

OP dropped the game changer on us.

 

You're going to have to tell your BF your concerns and see what he does.

You obviously dont love him anymore.

He's like part of the furniture in your house. Like an after thought.

Youre like "Oh yeah, I have a boyfriend".

I get the feeling that you 2 arnt even intimate.

 

Anyway, Let your BF know your concerns. If he cant accomadate, youre going to have to break up with him.

Either that, or just live a life of denial and cohabitation

[Kamila]

Signs a man likes you:

He said I smelt really really good.

He then squeezed my knee a few times and said haha is that ticklish?

He held my arm.

He guided the way by gently pushing my back.

He asked me if I wanted to go with him for lunch after work.

He stood really really close behind me.

He said 'I'm right behind your neck, but it's ok cos you smell really good'. After lunch he gave me a cheek to cheek hug when we parted.

He will text me nearly every day randomly to see what I'm doing and add 'hugs' randomly in his messages.

He texted to ask if I had plans for the evening.

He asked if I wanted to go eat out with him.

 

Signs you are not interested (cos of your current situation, aka live in 'boyfriend'):

'I'd love to, but not right now'. He texted back 'Why?'

I said 'Yes, but just as friends'.

'Friend' is the buzzer, it's a real killer

 

Signs he's trying to save face:

"He then texts back saying, 'Huh?? So you think I've been courting you? What part of my behaviour makes you think this?'I said 'no im not assuming anything' he says 'well from your text it sounds like you are'."

[Ducky71]

Thanks for the input guys.

 

I've been with my boyfriend for over 5 years, he's my first. I wouldn't know how to break up with him since we've been together for so long. He really is the perfect boyfriend in many ways- so loving, kind and patient. However, I find that our interests are quite different. He is more the stable, concentrating on career type, whereas I love to have excitement in my life and travel. He doesn't like to venture out of his comfort zone, and his only hobby is work. At home we often do our own things (his is work related) and sit in companionable silence.

 

I guess I went out with this other guy because I was attracted to him and just wanted to enjoy myself. He is much more exciting to be around than my boyfriend but I don't think he would make as good a partner.

 

Quite often I think whether I settled for my first boyfriend too quickly and let things get too serious too fast? We moved in together only 3 months after meeting and have lived together since then. To me, he is like family. But to think of getting married to him sounds scary. I would know how it would be- very nice, very stable, but not exciting.

 

I'm afraid of breaking up with my boyfriend and yet I'm also afraid of not finding a better guy.

 

I'm in two minds of letting this other guy go, stop thinking about him, or try to strike a friendship again.

 

 

Some people just insist on learning things the hard way...

[IronZ]

What you said was not odd for someone who genuinely didn't want a relationship. I think he is the one that acted odd and defensive about it. If he was not interested in that he would've said "yeah no problem" and brushed it off. Instead he acted like a kid who was caught red handed, vehemently denying the supposed accusation.

 

Here's the other odd thing though. You DO want a relationship. So why would you have even said anything?

 

 

EDIT: Ok so turns out OP has a boyfriend. There's another odd thing, leaving that information out for us. I think it's pretty weird how you went about this. If you like this new guy and aren't sure about the old one, you should've dumped the bf. Only then could you give the new guy a fair chance. I would be turned off too if I were him. If I'm laying out all the moves on you and you come at me the way you did while having a bf? I'd say "next!" and move on.

Edited October 30, 2014 by IronZ

[NJ123]

My God, here I was thinking this was about just trying to go out with some guy but messed it up the first time. But it turns out she has a boyfriend & is doing this **** behind his back? lol so ****ed up. And in this case this guy shouldn't give you any chance, and you should break up with your boyfriend too since he deserves better. Harsh, but all true.

[Kamila]

Relationships don't always start nice and clean you know. You can drift apart or meet someone else you really like and decide to end things...

 

A couple that lived together... the man meets a woman he really likes.

He lies to both women: the first that he's seeing someone else, the latter that he's single and not attached.

 

The live-in gf finds out, she goes mental, tries to kill herself. The man rescues her at the last minute.

As a revenge, she hurts physically the other woman who doesn't know about her...

 

In the end, he leaves his live-in gf and marries the new girl. They have been married for over 35 years and have 2 children.

 

I'm not saying that cheating is good or so, but sometimes people just do it when they meet 'the one'.

[Tayken]

My God, here I was thinking this was about just trying to go out with some guy but messed it up the first time. But it turns out she has a boyfriend & is doing this **** behind his back? lol so ****ed up. And in this case this guy shouldn't give you any chance, and you should break up with your boyfriend too since he deserves better. Harsh, but all true.

 

 

I second this motion! Now, just think of how many girls/women out there are acting in this manner. I particularly know of two women who are married with kids, and have boyfriends they meet mid-week for a shag

[preraph]

In order to salvage this, you have to be right up front with him now. Tell him you had a knee-jerk reaction saying you wanted to be "just friends" because you know him at the office and that your first reaction was not to get involved but that now you have reconsidered and realize you want to get to know him better and see if it goes beyond friendship. He's touching you and stuff, so he will be glad to hear this. But do not let him go on thinking it's "friends only" when it's not. That leaves him in a position of not knowing what to do AND makes you look very wishy washy.

[NJ123]

I second this motion! Now, just think of how many girls/women out there are acting in this manner. I particularly know of two women who are married with kids, and have boyfriends they meet mid-week for a shag

 

Society today is so ****ed up. It's seriously questioning whether I will ever get married or not. I don't want to be put in a position where I think everything is amazing & than get married. Than find out a year or two after that she's been banging some guy twice a week for most of our time together.