My heart has two sides...home and work.

[zanthe]

This is my first post. I'm writing my thoughts here as I'm looking for an outlet for pent up emotions that have dogged me for almost two years. Please note that I'm not a person ruled by emotions. I've been described as confident and strong willed. Actually, I'm a lot of fun too. My point is, my brain usually makes my decisions, not my heart. I'm very happily married and have been for 12 years. My friends are envious of my wonderful relationship. It's all good. It's as much as I could ask for in a married relationship.

 

The problem? Picture this. I am a director in a medical facility. So is the man that sits directly across from me. Yes, one office, desks facing each other. We sit perhaps 5 feet apart. Due to construction etc. it is our second office and we've been there for almost 3 years.

 

At first, I knew we were very compatible. We had a very comfortable friendship. We told each other almost everything that was going on in our lives. Yes I know what you're thinking. Emotional affair. Dangerous to the home front. But, I was aware of what was happening and I made sure to take steps to liven up my marriage, to keep it fun and fulfilling for my husband and myself.

 

It's snowballing. I've fallen for my coworker. And I'm very much in love with my husband. It's as if I have one life that I live at home, and another that I live at work. I am continuing to make sure that I'm not depriving my husband at home in any way, physically or mentally (as can happen with an emotional affair).

 

My coworker and I have had discussions about our situation. It's mutual. (I know...I should never have brought it up with him...but I didn't need to...he already knew). He likes to refer to our situation as "no man's land". We have great fun, we tease and joke around and share intimate details of our lives. In another life, we would have been very happy together. He has sworn that he will never touch me in an intimate way as he will not risk ruining the relationship that I have at home.

 

My heart is smothering me. It's almost like I need him to reassure me in some way...just a touch on the hand or something. He will not touch me unless he has no choice. He will catch my gaze and keep it, or tell jokes to make me laugh, or call me on my cell phone to make sure I'm not in the ditch when it has snowed or send me an email to liven up my day. Yes, we email on a regular basis. Just nonsense for the most part, but it's contact of sorts.

 

How am I going to stop this? Especially being in such close proximity while working. I really don't know what to do. Changing jobs really isn't an option because I'm not ready to travel at this time in my life. I actually asked him yesterday for a list of things that he didn't like about me, something I could focus on to help break this spell. He laughed and said he couldn't think of anything.

 

Please, if anyone has been through this type of situation, I would appreciate some insight.

[j.carsey]

I'm in my 20s and have never been married, and I don't know if I can say anything too useful, but here are a few thoughts:

 

First of all, it's a well known psychological phenomenon that familiarity breeds fondness (I think it's called the "mere exposure" effect). The amazing result of experiments in the field is that just being frequently exposed to somebody -- say, seeing your co-worker daily -- breeds the idea of fondness. You should be aware that what might in your heart feel like genuine amour might be a deceptive feeling. In other words, a crush of sorts.

 

What I'm suggesting here is that if in place of co-worker X you say co-worker Y daily, you might well come to feel fond of co-worker Y. Does this mean you love him? Does this mean you really have a future? Probably not.

 

Now everyone gets the occasional crush, and they are often fleeting. So unless you and your co-worker genuinely share a lot of deep similarities, you can probably count on this crush to fade. I wouldn't be too embarassed about having feelings for someone else. It happens to just about everyone, although many people won't ever admit it.

 

So what to do now? Maybe, be aware of these tricks the brain plays on the heart (mere exposure effect, thinking you like someone just because you see them often). Then, go spend much more time with your husband. If you have children, you might consider taking some time off work to spend more time with your family. A lot of this might just have to do with where you are spending your time and with whom.

[clynn]

This happened to a woman who I am close friends with.

 

She is a teacher and became attracted to a fellow teacher, it was mutual and exciting for them both. She was, however, happily married with children.

 

Eventually, for teh sake of her marriage, she changed schools.

[Tamed Wildflower]

Tough situation. I feel for you, and I think you are right to not want to put your wonderful marriage in jeopardy.

 

Sometimes though, people need a chance to express their feelings so that they can move on. Sounds like the validation of physical touch with your co-worker would help you put closure on the affection you have shared and then let it go.

 

I am not advising you to do something as drastic as to have sex. Instead I would tell your co-worker that you need to share some moments with him in complete privacy. Once there, talk about your feelings, enjoy a few moments in each other's arms. Understand that this will be your one chance to really express your feelings both physically and verbally. Expressing your feelings this way will hopefully allow you to put some closure on them.

 

Then agree that from then on your relationship will be, let's say, "business casual". This means you can talk about your personal lives to the extent that you would with any other co-worker that you are friendly but not close with. "How was your weekend?" "How are the kids doing in school?" "Where are you going on vacation this summer?" "What do ya say-- do you put oil in the pot when you cook pasta or no?" You know, the mundane stuff. Leave the intimate stuff out.

 

Let me know if this helps, and keep us all posted as to how this works out for you.

[SuperFantastico]

After 12years of marrage(and however long before that) things become habit. Which in turn can reduce feelings and make things stale/boring. It happens to lots of people. You see this other guy every day(possibly more than your hubby) There is tension(sexual) which breeds excitment. Something new. Something you havnt felt in a while. Something you want back in your life.

 

This is kinda a neighbours grass is greener situation. Doing anything with this guy would be fun in the short run, but would result in 2 broken marrages and alot more hurt people. So do yourself a favor, perhaps request anouther room to work in. Tell this guy to do the same, and to perhaps break this off before it gets too outta hand.

 

This is a very dangerous situation(which danger is exciting yes....but it is also dangerous......which is why they named it danger ) . Caution it strongly adviced.

[Tamed Wildflower]

Originally posted by SuperFantastico

So do yourself a favor, perhaps request anouther room to work in. Tell this guy to do the same,

 

This is a great suggestion-- is it possible that you can both keep your jobs but move to separate rooms? Is this office environment the new permanent arrangement, or is it a temporary arrangement until construction is finished?

[gowdy]

Originally posted by Tamed Wildflower

Sometimes though, people need a chance to express their feelings so that they can move on. Sounds like the validation of physical touch with your co-worker would help you put closure on the affection you have shared and then let it go.

 

I am not advising you to do something as drastic as to have sex. Instead I would tell your co-worker that you need to share some moments with him in complete privacy. Once there, talk about your feelings, enjoy a few moments in each other's arms. Understand that this will be your one chance to really express your feelings both physically and verbally. Expressing your feelings this way will hopefully allow you to put some closure on them.

 

I am sorry to disagree with Wildflower. I am in a very similar situation with a woman I work with daily. We have a small company (six employees) and I see her on a daily basis. We both have mutual feelings and have discussed them. Neither of us would jeapordize our marriages or families. Unfortunately we made the mistake one day of pushing it too far - by embracing and kissing.

 

While I agree there was some immediate relief of the tension - in the long run it has made things much worse. While we have both agreed to maintain a strict working relationship - it is incredibly difficult to see her on a daily basis.

 

I have contemplated changing jobs- but I am in small midwestern city that there just aren't a lot of options. Besides I truly love my job and the people I work with. Unfortunately I love one in particular a little too much.

 

My only suggestion to you Zanthe is to cut out all unecessary contacts (ie. email, cellphone) and keep it strictly business. If you can schedule a vacation -do it. Get some time away with your spouse. And if you can move your office - do it. Or at the very least move your desk so you don't face the door! Good luck- and if you get any great advice -please pass it on!

[Tamed Wildflower]

I guess your right, Gowdy. I guess a lot of this depends simply on what is best for the individual people, in their particular situation.

 

I too have gotten myself into a similar situation. For me, the fact that we allowed ourselves a little bit of touching, hand-holding, talking, and (a very little bit!) of kissing has really helped us. But I guess a difference between my situation and Zanthe's was that we did all this as part of our admission of feelings for each other. This was a tremendous relief for us. But I guess with Zanthe, the cat is already out of the bag-- they've already admitted their affection, anything more at this point might feel more like escalation than closure. The other HUGE difference between my situation and Zanthe's situation, and yours too, Gowdy, is that we don't see each other everyday. We worked together, now we are finished working together. And now we would have to create a reason to see each other in person. So we were able to have our moments together, and then say, "We will always have this memory."

 

I guess this is all a matter of each of us trying to figure out what works best for each of us, and that may not be the same thing all around.