Should I be worrying about this other guy?

[juanito14]

I posted this a little earlier in the dating section, but figured it would be better off here.

 

So my girlfriend and I have been going out now for 5 months. We both love each other, but sometimes I get worried. I already know I have an insecurity because the last two girls I dated both cheated on me and lied about it, and the thing was I trusted them at the time. Those events ruined my view on trust. Over time with this new girl I’ve learned to trust again and let down my walls. There is this one other guy that texts her somewhat often though. She tells me that they are like cousins since its her older brothers best friend and she met him through her brother. I guess over time they have gotten close. I’ve asked about him before and she told me I have nothing to worry about and it’s not like that, she even showed me a small amount of her texts. They were talking about the traffic and ended the text with kill yourself, nothing necessarily romantic but at the same time she showed me a very small amount of the texts. I should note that she has openly told me her phone and facebook password, the thing is I don’t want to ruin our level of trust by abusing that. She has never lied to me when I ask her something, at least that I know about and tells me she has nothing to hide, but can sometimes seem a little distant. Never when we are actually hanging out, but when we communicate over the phone. She showed me a video today he sent to her phone yesterday about homeless people and also told me that he can get her a job at the place he works, where obviously, she would be working with him. Is this just my insecurity coming out with this guy texting her or do I actually have a reason to be worried? I feel like I’m overreacting, but I don’t want to get hurt again.

 

Also I have seen two other guys text her, not very often though. Both have called her babe to which she didn’t respond to. But I guess one used to be her boss and apparently they were texting yesterday. She openly told me about it and talked about the texts that were visible, like the one where the guy said they should catch up some time and she said of course, but then told me in person was never gonna happen. They hadn’t texted before that since her and I started talking so I can’t hold that agaisnt her. She used to party, but after moving back home with her parents has really grown up and mellowed out and seems to be mature.

 

If this is just me being insecure, what can I do to help clear my head of this? I don’t want it to ruin our relationship which I know it can.

[Spectre]

Yeah first of all some other dude texting her "often" is messed up, friend of her brothers or not. That is a red flag, so no it is not an over reaction. Also I don't even know why they are ending texts with "kill yourself". I assume it was a joke, so if so that doesn't really tell you anything about if she is or is not up to no good with this other dude. But then this guy offering to get her a job at where he works? I dunno. This is slippery territory, I probably wouldn't be okay with it.

 

I also have one other issue I see..this other guy who said they should catch up and she said "of course" but then she tells you it won't ever happen. Here is my issue, on one hand obviously it is good it won't ever happen. On the other hand, why did she say it would then? I'm not saying she is lying about it never happening, rather I am saying why lie to the guy and say it will if it won't? I am always VERY leery of women who can't say no to other men. There is an inherent issue here, and it's not about them being "too nice" like they usually claim. I can't say for sure if that is a red flag here, but I'd ask why she plays games and lies to other guys? Why not just say "no I have a boyfriend" ? Don't get her not doing that.

 

So in other words, I can't say for sure you need to be worried, but I also do not feel you are over reacting, at least when it comes to this other dude who texts her a lot and now wants to get her a job where he works, which means they'd be together in person a lot more often..without you around.

[mammasita]

She must be immature and like the attention because if that were me, I wouldn't be texting other men.....and if I do, they KNOW I have a BF.

 

So ask yourself (or her) why she said she would say ok to catching up with that guy (intent irrelevant) and let the others call her "babe" instead of saying "hey I have a BF, don't think he'd like that too much"

[d0nnivain]

You are being insecure. She is being open with you. Focus on that.

[juanito14]

She's trying to play nice with her old boss incase she ever needs to get her job back. She's just waiting to see how things with school go first.

 

And as far as the guy goes trying to get her a job, he works at a place for her major and its a job that also has a program that helps pay for your graduate school. She's also in a group text with him, her brother, and another one of their friends too.

 

I should also add that with him being her brothers best friend, and her brother being her best friend, I don't see him going anywhere and feel like I'm asking a lot for her to stop talking to him.

Edited October 29, 2014 by juanito14

[Thicke2013]

She's trying to play nice with her old boss incase she ever needs to get her job back. She's just waiting to see how things with school go first.

 

And as far as the guy goes trying to get her a job, he works at a place for her major and its a job that also has a program that helps pay for your graduate school. She's also in a group text with him, her brother, and another one of their friends too.

 

I should also add that with him being her brothers best friend, and her brother being her best friend, I don't see him going anywhere and feel like I'm asking a lot for her to stop talking to him.

 

 

The one missing detail for me is, do these other guys know about you? Do they know that she is in a serious committed relationship? If your GF has no ill intentions texting these other guys then she will have already told them that she is in a relationship with you. I would still have a problem if they text a lot. What do you mean by often? Everyday? Multiple times a day?

[juanito14]

It varies how often they text. She may go a week or longer or they may text for a little every day of that week. The guy has helped her out with school too, cause like I said before, he already has his masters in the area shes trying to get her BA. I have no idea if he knows about me or not though. She will usually text and send me pictures if shes hanging out with her brother and that group of friends, it's not like we lose contact while shes hanging out with them, but I haven't actually asked if they know about me.

[umirano]

but I haven't actually asked if they know about me.

 

A very good question to ask. Within a split second after you having asked that question you'll be able to read everything you need to know from her face.

 

• Genuine funny / surprised expression -> You probably have nothing to worry, or she thinks you're very naive.
  
• Fake anger -> she's up to no good
  
• Genuine upset expression -> maybe you come across as a little insecure. That doesn't guarantee there's nothing to be worried of though.
  

[Spectre]

She's trying to play nice with her old boss incase she ever needs to get her job back. She's just waiting to see how things with school go first.

 

And as far as the guy goes trying to get her a job, he works at a place for her major and its a job that also has a program that helps pay for your graduate school. She's also in a group text with him, her brother, and another one of their friends too.

 

I should also add that with him being her brothers best friend, and her brother being her best friend, I don't see him going anywhere and feel like I'm asking a lot for her to stop talking to him.

 

I don't think any of what you just said justifies her not telling this other dude she has a boyfriend. Why not? Why couldn't she simply say "nope, I have a boyfriend". That, to me, is weird. Her telling you about this stuff is good, her inability to tell other men about you? Not so good, in fact, very bad.

[smackie9]

I bet they all know she has a BF. I'm sure her brother has said something about it to said main guy. It doesn't sound like these guy are that involved in her personal life, they are more like aquaintances.

 

You jealous beans, you can't restrict your GF from interacting with guys that they already know, have no history with, and prove to be not romantically involved. Grow up.

[smackie9]

BTW babe is also a term of endearment, like darling, dear, sweetheart.....doesn't always mean as a sexual connotation.

[Thicke2013]

I bet they all know she has a BF. I'm sure her brother has said something about it to said main guy. It doesn't sound like these guy are that involved in her personal life, they are more like aquaintances.

 

You jealous beans, you can't restrict your GF from interacting with guys that they already know, have no history with, and prove to be not romantically involved. Grow up.

 

I agree if it is within reason. That is why it would be important for me to know whether or not she has told them she is in a relationship. Should be no reason to hide that right?

 

I agree with you though, at this point from what the OP has told us it doesn't seem to raise any concerns. My fiance' calls everyone sweetie. Man, woman, young, and old. Doesn't matter.

[MrBossMan]

The frequency is what I don't like. It sounds like she's spending a lot of time texting these guys. For now, just leave it alone unless you start to see anything becoming worse. Until she seems to be texting these guys more than she texts you or becomes secretive, don't bring it up.

 

And if she ever says she's going to meet up with any of them, innocently offer to tag along.

[NJ123]

The frequency is what I don't like. It sounds like she's spending a lot of time texting these guys. For now, just leave it alone unless you start to see anything becoming worse. Until she seems to be texting these guys more than she texts you or becomes secretive, don't bring it up.

 

And if she ever says she's going to meet up with any of them, innocently offer to tag along.

 

This. If she has some excuse for why she wants to go alone than that's a HUGE red flag.

[Spectre]

I bet they all know she has a BF. I'm sure her brother has said something about it to said main guy. It doesn't sound like these guy are that involved in her personal life, they are more like aquaintances.

 

You jealous beans, you can't restrict your GF from interacting with guys that they already know, have no history with, and prove to be not romantically involved. Grow up.

 

I'm sorry, but what you just said sounded silly. First, you say you are sure all the guys know she has a BF, that the brother told. This isn't for sure, not to mention the part where she flat out fails to tell a guy she has a bf and tells him they will "of course" hang out or something. There is no reason for her to not say "no I can't do that I have a boyfriend" if there is nothing going on.

 

Also grow up? Sorry, it goes both ways. This woman is in a relationship? She needs to grow up too, you don't text other dudes every day when you have a bf. Sorry, I don't care what your history is. Yes the OP said it isn't always everyday, but sometimes it is. So I find it weird you tell him to grow up. What about the gf, who seemingly has no concept of boundaries?

[smackie9]

I don't think women should have to go around advertising that they are in a relationship to all men they come in contact with...that is just stupid, it's not the middle ages. I most certainly don't.

 

What's next? That she should wear a chasity belt just in case? or wear a hijab? or have a sign on her back saying GUYS! do not have any contact with me, I'm in a relationship".

[Spectre]

I don't think women should have to go around advertising that they are in a relationship to all men they come in contact with...that is just stupid, it's not the middle ages. I most certainly don't.

 

What's next? That she should wear a chasity belt just in case? or wear a hijab? or have a sign on her back saying GUYS! do not have any contact with me, I'm in a relationship".

 

Words fail me. I..honestly, re-read this reply you typed and ask yourself if you feel it makes ANY sense. You don't think woman should go around having to advertise they are in a relationship? Okay good! Since not a single damn person in this thread said that. So yeah, thanks for pointing out to us it is not the middle ages, even though it didn't need to be done.

 

Christ, then you talk about a chastity belt? Do..do you just skim over replies and then post, without taking the time to read them? What was said was she should tell a guy who is flat out asking her to hang out and stuff that she has a bf. See, that is not "advertising you have a boyfriend". You see, ads are unprovoked. It was only said she should say she had a bf once a guy was trying to get her to do things a woman with a bf shouldn't be doing. Either you just flat out do not read the things you reply to or you do and just don't give a f*ck and respond with any nonsense you can think of.

[todreaminblue]

i think its all pretty minor if you have a talk about your concerns with her soon.....be honest with what you feel comfortable with and what you find awkward....try not to let it fester...she is being open with you so a talk about what you accept and what you dont should be no hassle..best wishes...deb