Wife wants an open relationship but I don't

[spanz1]

men and women deployed in the military, and their stay at home spouses, have a horribly high divorce/cheating rate! so that DOES support your theory.

 

 

Some people are more capable of resisting those urges for long periods of time than others. OP's wife...can not resist. So he has to get back to see her...a lot! skype with her a lot, so she can at least remember your face every day.

 

 

i am amazed at how little quality communications goes on sometimes between spouses when one is on the road. A quick phone call or a few text messages are NOT gonna cut it. Get on skype/kik etc and TALK TO EACH OTHER. often. demand it.

 

women peak in their mid 30's for sex, but many will have decreasing libidio from arond 42 and on. so keep her monogamous for the next 5 years or so, and you are over the hill. so i do not necessarily think you need to divorce her for being super horny, just do something to satisfy her and block other men from getting close to her for a few years.

 

one thing going for you is that while she is sexually peaking right now, by the time she is maybe 42, most women have a decreasing libido. So if you CAN keep her monogamous for another 5 years, the problem will likely pass for biological reasons.

 

 

BTW, " she met someone at a bar that was flirting with her".....faithful women do not go drinking alone in bars, and certainly do not allow men to flirt with them. She is thinking of cheating, or she would not have been in the bar in the first place. Prepare to do some serious C blocking. hope its not too late

Edited October 31, 2014 by spanz1

[Man Mountain Makino]

I can't stop shaking, and I have no one to talk to. I am very far away from everyone I know, and besides, Iwould not want my friends/family to unfairly think bad things about her based on her feelings. What should I have done?

She's an adult. Tell her she can do what she wants and you have no say, and that you can do what you want, and she has no say.

 

She's already probably picked a guy she wants to have sex with, and it's not a bar pickup. Some guy she knows. Maybe they consummated their relationship already, I can't say.

 

She can do what she wants, bang the guy. You can do what you want, slap her with divorce papers.

 

Love isn't a one way street. I feel for you and see you are sincere. But unreciprocated love isn't love.

[elaine567]

Some people live with cheaters, some people live in open marriages very happily, but you are obviously not one of those people.

So in order for your life to be happy, you need to get rid of anyone who doesn't live up to the way you would have your wife behave.

I am afraid the only way open to you is divorce, otherwise this will mess up your life.

 

An open marriage request out of the blue is a bit suspicious and like others I feel this may be her way of getting herself out of a sticky situation.

 

Not cheating, just being "open".

"You said it is OK, so now I am sleeping with this guy from the bar, I told you about"

[spanz1]

I DO see some positives here. She DID openly tell you she wanted to screw this other guy. That in itself says that maybe she did not yet have sex with someone else....maybe she is just fantacizing about it? Communicate with her...a lot. See if you CAN work it out together until you are back together physically.

[Nikki Sahagin]

If this was the other way around and you were a woman dealing with this from a man I'd say LEAVE, so I'd give you the same advice.

 

I will say that having been in 2 LDR's and having cheated 3 times, I can relate to struggling with sexual desire and a lack of physical contact and touch in these distant relationships. They are horrible and take a toll. Even for those who are able to have LDRs and not cheat, it's still very hard for most people.

 

Are you sure your wife is not just trying to blackmail you into coming back by putting these fears into your head?

You say she is depressed. Do you think she is clinically depressed or just going through a low patch? Does she consistently want to have an open marriage or is she only saying this because she feels SO lonely and possibly rejected due to distance?

 

I think that other posters have knocked it on the head. Your options are:

 

* Agree to disagree. Your attitude to monogamy is incompatible and will lead to both of you feeling miserable and deprived if you stay together.

* Experiment with an open marriage. However, as your values are with monogamy, I do not think this would be a good choice for you.

 

I would say you should leave the marriage but I also think it would be worthwhile to get to the truth of what she's saying here. Although it seems like she is being direct, I wonder if this is a ploy for attention.

 

TRANSLATION:

* 'I want an open relationship' - 'I want to feel desired. I want you to show me I'm the only one you want'

* 'I want to sleep with other men' - 'I feel lonely, distant, emotionally disconnected and don't feel close'

 

I'm not saying you should have to suss her out but my first feeling was, I wonder if there is more to this than meets the eye. If she is depressed, I don't think what she's saying can necessarily be taken to mean the truth. HOWEVER if it is, I think it's best to find a woman compatible with your values.

 

If she can't be happy with just you, she shouldn't have married you.

[Friskyone4u]

If you have made to poor decision to stay married and enter into this open relationship here is what you can expect.

(1) in any no monogamous relationship women have ALL the power.

She can have a wedding ring on every finger and will have men crawling over themselves to have sex with her married or not.

(2) you on the other hand will have 95% or more of women tell you they have no interest in dating a married man. So you will find yourself sitting home most nights waiting for her to come home from her sex romps with other men.

(3) eventually she will fall in love with one of these other men because for women especially sex is more tied to emotions. So the next thing you know she will be professing not only sexual desire for other men but love . So then you will be maybe husband A or husband B.

Non monogamy can only have any chance of working when both people are on the same page . And it very rarely works long term because boundaries are continuously renegotiated and crossed.

You should not even consider being pushed by fear into this relationship.! Find a new wife.

[Poppygoodwill]

I'm afraid this sounds like hte kind of thing people say when they actually want to end the relationship, but can't quite do it. So they say things like, "I'm not sure I'm cut out for marriage." or, "I want an open relationship." it's a way of trying to slide out of it, though in the end much more painful to the other person cause it's so passive aggressive and confusing.

 

I would skip over the fact of open relationship for now, and ask her if she wants to remain married to you. That's where to begin the conversation. If she says she does, then you two together have to decide what are the conditions of your marriage, how will it work. Maybe open relationship is one of the conditions, maybe not. But it seems you need a much larger discussion here...