Author LynnFrost Posted October 29, 2014 Author Share Posted October 29, 2014 I kinda disagree. If you knowingly participate, isn't the respectful thing to just leave it alone? There is a huge discrepancy in opinion on this one. Many BS's say...stay away, don't reveal, just go NC. Others are thankful and appreciative of any info about the spouse's wrongdoing...feeling that they can choose to leave or if they decide to work on the marriage, they truly have an idea of the underlying issues. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LynnFrost Posted October 29, 2014 Author Share Posted October 29, 2014 I understand pain all too well. What made you decide to call his wife? Are you happy that he is moving out of his home? I decided to tell his wife for a few reasons. I found out my exH had an affair AFTER our divorce, and that could have impacted the division of assets had I had evidence. So yes, part of it was for womanly concern for another. Obviously I'm no saint, as I had an affair with her husband. My BIGGEST reason for telling her was I needed closure, an end. I was hoping she'd call me and tell me that Yes, they had been having an intimate relationship, not living separately and loved each other...that would have devastated me but I could truly walk away from all this hurt. He'd always said this was the truth, but when I read on here, it seems most MM lie about this. I had a sexless marriage in the past, so I was open to believing him. Finally, I did it out of anger. He'd promised he'd be out for a long time. Whether he actually makes the move or not...we shall see. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LynnFrost Posted October 29, 2014 Author Share Posted October 29, 2014 So, he went from ending with you, to now you getting him by default, possibly. He hasn't chosen you - His wife probably has told him to get the F out and told him to pack a bag and GO to you. Time will tell what he wants to do. He may beg and want to stay with his marriage. They may divorce. Either way, get ready for the drama to happen. He hasn't moved out and he hasn't moved in with me. He wants to divorce and live on his own. I doubt his wife will tell him to get the F out because apparently she wants to stay married no matter the circumstances. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LynnFrost Posted October 29, 2014 Author Share Posted October 29, 2014 Calling his wife in an effort to out the husband is just a way to share your pain and anger, but it doesn't accomplish anything. It's not about them but it's about you, specifically why did you choose be involved with a married man for three years? That's your choice, so this is about you. If you build your house on the slope of an active volcano in lieu of a beautiful scenery, don't sue the county or city in which you reside when the volcano erupts and demolishes your house because they didn't properly warn you. If you didn't see this disaster coming then I don't know what else to say. I would have liked to have known when my exH was having his affair. Women differ in whether they want to know. So, I disagree that it "didn't accomplish anything." She knows at least there is a good chance her H was messing around...yes, maybe she will just write me off as some psycho, but that is her choice now. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 You had said he was separated most of the three years. Was he separated but still living with her the whole time? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LynnFrost Posted October 29, 2014 Author Share Posted October 29, 2014 OK, you are right. I just feel it's so sad that ppl don't give other ppl the right to choose rather they want to share their partners. He didn't break up with me. Just not meeting in Nov. He has in fact begged me to wait for him and has continued to call and email. So...whatever. You BS's are all over the OW who DO tell and all over the ones who DON'T. You'd rather be left in the dark? Because I can promise you MOST H's aren't going to own up to an affair unless they are caught or outed. But then again, there is a large piece of he population here who'd like to stick their heads in the sand and play happy housewife while their H's are on "business trips." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LynnFrost Posted October 29, 2014 Author Share Posted October 29, 2014 You had said he was separated most of the three years. Was he separated but still living with her the whole time? No, she was in Co. and he in Oregon. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LynnFrost Posted October 29, 2014 Author Share Posted October 29, 2014 only the wife was held hostage, the OW here got her options and she chose to trust in and believe a known cheater and liar. Its like having an accountant steal money then giving him your money. The motives behind the confession is what gets to me. This wasn't a guilty or remorseful text. This was a cause a crash text. After 3 years she all of a sudden needs to tell the wife? I don't think so, I believe this was a bitter I just got dumped so I'm telling hoping that your wife tosses you out on your head text. As far as what he told you OP, sounds like you won't be hearing from him for a while, unless she does toss him out. It wasn't a text. It was a call. With my name and phone number should SHE want info. Who cares WHY I did it at that moment. The fact is I felt she deserved to know. I thought her H should tell her, and long ago. The fact is that most H's don't tell...they wait to get caught or for someone to tell and then they minimize it. Read this over and over on here. I truly feel like REGARDLESS of whether or not I was hurting over the fallout, I did the right thing and I did it in a non-hostile and reasonably dignified (if there is ANYTHING dignified in affairs) way. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LynnFrost Posted October 29, 2014 Author Share Posted October 29, 2014 Wow. She kicked him out huh... Well, on the bright side since she doesn't want him, he's all yours* If you two work really REALLY hard, it might work! Way to have the balls to stick to her, must have felt great to unleash all that after 3 years. It certainly did for exOw. She was so mad I forgave her. Huh. Funny how stuff works out different than we pictured isn't it? Good luck OP* Um, where did I say she kicked him out? Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 That or she already knew. But I bet they get back together. BS prefer to be doormats over maintaining their self-respect. And one thing I've learned is MM don't leave unless they're thrown out. What a huge sweeping generalization and irresponsible statement. Are you a BS who prefers to be a doormat? If so, that is your prerogative. But it is mind blowing that you would make such a sweeping statement. Or are you an eOW whose cheating MM stayed with his wife, thereby ending the affair and you are angry at the wife for not kicking kicking him out? Are there BS's who choose to allow and tolerate their H's cheating? Absolutely! Are there BS's who kick their cheating H to the curb? Absolutely! Are there OW who choose to enter an affair willingly with married men and then boo hoo and become enraged when the wife won't end the marriage? Absolutely! Are there OW who own their actions and choices when they willingly enter into an affair with a married man and when it ends, they turn their anger towards the cheating MM who "made promises" and didn't own up to them? Absolutely! Lynn, I find it disconcerting that for 3 years you didn't have an issue with the wife not knowing about her H cheating and thereby not having all the facts to make a decision on her own life. It wasn't until the affair ended, by him, that you had this light bulb moment that the wife wasn't informed of her husbands cheating for the last 3 years. Had he not ended the affair, we will never know if you would have chosen to inform the wife of the cheating. I admit that I doubt you would have done that, since you hadn't done it for the last 3 years. I agree that the wife should be told, but common courtesy would have been to inform her prior to sleeping with her husband or sooner than 3 years after the affair started. I also, in your shoes, wouldn't wait for him to "find a new job" and move out...he's had 3 years to do that and he has chosen not to do that. Sounds to me like he is blowing smoke up your rear about his future plans so as to keep you invested in the affair and giving him a soft place to land should he fail to convince his wife to allow him to continue in the marriage. He has a proven track record of being a liar. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 I guess I believe people when they say their marriage is done. I made that same mistake and it cost me 8+ years of my life. You BS's are all over the OW who DO tell and all over the ones who DON'T. Yes, I have been noticing that for years around here. No, she was in Co. and he in Oregon. This is very different than having an A with someone still living with the wife and who never intended to divorce. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LynnFrost Posted October 29, 2014 Author Share Posted October 29, 2014 Wow. She kicked him out huh... Well, on the bright side since she doesn't want him, he's all yours* If you two work really REALLY hard, it might work! Way to have the balls to stick to her, must have felt great to unleash all that after 3 years. It certainly did for exOw. She was so mad I forgave her. Huh. Funny how stuff works out different than we pictured isn't it? Good luck OP* And I don't know how much of what you've written is sarcasm, but I can say that I am actually now friends with my exH's OW. When he dumped her and moved onto a younger model she started chatting me up at soccer games and we occasionally have a laugh over coffee. Strange things can happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LynnFrost Posted October 29, 2014 Author Share Posted October 29, 2014 What a huge sweeping generalization and irresponsible statement. Are you a BS who prefers to be a doormat? If so, that is your prerogative. But it is mind blowing that you would make such a sweeping statement. Or are you an eOW whose cheating MM stayed with his wife, thereby ending the affair and you are angry at the wife for not kicking kicking him out? Are there BS's who choose to allow and tolerate their H's cheating? Absolutely! Are there BS's who kick their cheating H to the curb? Absolutely! Are there OW who choose to enter an affair willingly with married men and then boo hoo and become enraged when the wife won't end the marriage? Absolutely! Are there OW who own their actions and choices when they willingly enter into an affair with a married man and when it ends, they turn their anger towards the cheating MM who "made promises" and didn't own up to them? Absolutely! Lynn, I find it disconcerting that for 3 years you didn't have an issue with the wife not knowing about her H cheating and thereby not having all the facts to make a decision on her own life. It wasn't until the affair ended, by him, that you had this light bulb moment that the wife wasn't informed of her husbands cheating for the last 3 years. Had he not ended the affair, we will never know if you would have chosen to inform the wife of the cheating. I admit that I doubt you would have done that, since you hadn't done it for the last 3 years. I agree that the wife should be told, but common courtesy would have been to inform her prior to sleeping with her husband or sooner than 3 years after the affair started. I also, in your shoes, wouldn't wait for him to "find a new job" and move out...he's had 3 years to do that and he has chosen not to do that. Sounds to me like he is blowing smoke up your rear about his future plans so as to keep you invested in the affair and giving him a soft place to land should he fail to convince his wife to allow him to continue in the marriage. He has a proven track record of being a liar. I never said that for 3 years I didn't have an issue with her not knowing. I gave exMM ultimatums to tell her and he claimed he had. I wanted to tell her at various times...it is a hard decision to decide to disclose, or just suck it up and walk away, knowing she'll never know. So you'd suggest in hindsight I shouldn't have told her? That it would have been better that she not know or get her H's version? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 It wasn't a text. It was a call. With my name and phone number should SHE want info. Who cares WHY I did it at that moment. The fact is I felt she deserved to know. I thought her H should tell her, and long ago. The fact is that most H's don't tell...they wait to get caught or for someone to tell and then they minimize it. Read this over and over on here. I truly feel like REGARDLESS of whether or not I was hurting over the fallout, I did the right thing and I did it in a non-hostile and reasonably dignified (if there is ANYTHING dignified in affairs) way. It was absolutely the right thing to do, I don't disagree with that. Like I said I think the issue is why you told. After three years this had NOTHING to do with his wife and everything to do with some GET EVEN. I just believe you have to be honest with yourself in every situation. If he had shown up you never would have told. Only after it starts to come apart was telling inportant. This wasn't for closure, this was to get him thrown out. Why? So you could have him. I think in time this will be heavy on your conscience. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Red123 Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 He didn't break up with me. Just not meeting in Nov. He has in fact begged me to wait for him and has continued to call and email. So...whatever. You BS's are all over the OW who DO tell and all over the ones who DON'T. You'd rather be left in the dark? Because I can promise you MOST H's aren't going to own up to an affair unless they are caught or outed. But then again, there is a large piece of he population here who'd like to stick their heads in the sand and play happy housewife while their H's are on "business trips." Wow your last statement is super offensive. There is not a large number of women on this board who fit that description. You don't know what goes on in people's homes. A lot of us who are attempting R are not sticking our heads in the sand and believe me I'm the furthest thing from a happy housewife. I make as much as my H does and have self respect. Most people who are struggling don't share their troubles with the world, so even if it looks like everything is great on the outside it's probably not because they are ignoring the situation but because they have to live. Most BS do what you are doing, making sure the kids are ok and struggling with grief when they are alone. I struggle when I see people make blanket statements like that. I guess I have to ask, and I'm not trying to be disrespectful, but whose head has been in the sand for three years waiting for a man to leave his wife? 7 Link to post Share on other sites
snappytomcat Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 Wow your last statement is super offensive. There is not a large number of women on this board who fit that description. You don't know what goes on in people's homes. A lot of us who are attempting R are not sticking our heads in the sand and believe me I'm the furthest thing from a happy housewife. I make as much as my H does and have self respect. Most people who are struggling don't share their troubles with the world, so even if it looks like everything is great on the outside it's probably not because they are ignoring the situation but because they have to live. Most BS do what you are doing, making sure the kids are ok and struggling with grief when they are alone. I struggle when I see people make blanket statements like that. I guess I have to ask, and I'm not trying to be disrespectful, but whose head has been in the sand for three years waiting for a man to leave his wife? this 1000 times wish I could like 1000 times,im another bs who has never and will never have my head in the sand,im a nice,kind person,but don't take my kindness for being weak,im the exact opposite 5 Link to post Share on other sites
mintcondition Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 I would have liked to have known when my exH was having his affair. Women differ in whether they want to know. So, I disagree that it "didn't accomplish anything." She knows at least there is a good chance her H was messing around...yes, maybe she will just write me off as some psycho, but that is her choice now. If you're telling me that you left a voice mail outing her husband because there is this unwritten rule, or some sort of female solidarity, in which you all look for each other then I got a bridge in Brooklyn to sell you. You DON'T know this women and you don't give a $hit about her. Don't give me this "I did it because I would to know if my husband was screwing around" line, especially when you are protagonist in this mess. I'm not coming down on you for sleeping with the husband because people screw around; however, I'm trying to make you realize to you should have accepted your role as being some side ass, or recreational booty. That's all affairs are - recreational sex for a man and he'll sweet talk you to get what he wants. You didn't know that? Come on. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 I think what you did was kind of funny. I don't mean funny in the sense that it hurt MM's wife, but funny in the sense that you were that gutsy, and the way he reacted to it. He's not mad at you for what you did? Yeah, pretty funny. Well, no matter what comes of it, you definitely stirred the pot, my friend. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
meandmycats Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 It was absolutely the right thing to do, I don't disagree with that. Like I said I think the issue is why you told. After three years this had NOTHING to do with his wife and everything to do with some GET EVEN. I just believe you have to be honest with yourself in every situation. If he had shown up you never would have told. Only after it starts to come apart was telling inportant. This wasn't for closure, this was to get him thrown out. Why? So you could have him. I think in time this will be heavy on your conscience. After being told by many that my partner was having an affair with another woman, it finally blew up in her face, and the OW admitted she had told because, and in her words, if she couldn't have her, she was going to make sure I didn't want her either. Some sort of odd way of getting your own back for all the hurt. I understand that to a degree. Like injured animals, we fight back the best way we know how don't we? It's a horrid business, betrayal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LynnFrost Posted October 30, 2014 Author Share Posted October 30, 2014 If you're telling me that you left a voice mail outing her husband because there is this unwritten rule, or some sort of female solidarity, in which you all look for each other then I got a bridge in Brooklyn to sell you. You DON'T know this women and you don't give a $hit about her. Don't give me this "I did it because I would to know if my husband was screwing around" line, especially when you are protagonist in this mess. I'm not coming down on you for sleeping with the husband because people screw around; however, I'm trying to make you realize to you should have accepted your role as being some side ass, or recreational booty. That's all affairs are - recreational sex for a man and he'll sweet talk you to get what he wants. You didn't know that? Come on. Not always. Sometimes. But, not always. Sorry to break it to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Redheaded Mistress Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 He hasn't moved out and he hasn't moved in with me. He wants to divorce and live on his own. I doubt his wife will tell him to get the F out because apparently she wants to stay married no matter the circumstances. Oh... One of those... Good luck with that. That's the trickiest and arguably the most frustrating. Signed, BTDT. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 I never said that for 3 years I didn't have an issue with her not knowing. I gave exMM ultimatums to tell her and he claimed he had. I wanted to tell her at various times...it is a hard decision to decide to disclose, or just suck it up and walk away, knowing she'll never know. So you'd suggest in hindsight I shouldn't have told her? That it would have been better that she not know or get her H's version? Telling her was right, just would have been more ....honest? Respectful? Courteous? ... Not sure the right word..to tell her before you started sleeping with her husband. The constant digs at betrayed spouses is pretty crappy, not sure why you keep making them. You have no idea what a BS, or more specifically the BS's here (since it is those people you are making snarky comments to), go through or have gone through because of the betrayal of their spouse. Since you keep repeating allegations of ignoring the "obvious" affair or pretending to not know of the affair, can you point to just ONE thread where a BS is doing what you keep accusing them of doing? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 Oh... One of those... Good luck with that. That's the trickiest and arguably the most frustrating. Signed, BTDT. This is the same man who threatened the OP and her children if she were to tell his wife, the same man who has given empty promise after empty promise that He would file for divorce, the same MM who lied to the OP at the beginning claiming to be separated. Yet somehow his BS is at fault for not "allowing" him to divorce. Please. This man is a proven coward and liar. If they live anywhere in the Western world, NO ONE can prevent you from filing and obtaining a divorce. No one is forced to stay in a marriage, even if his steadfast wife doesn't want it. It's just smoke and mirrors. He was NEVER planning on leaving or divorcing, that was just used to keep the OP ready and available. How are you doing Lynn? Has he tried to make contact or threaten you? If he does, I hope you'll contact local law enforcement and at least file a report in case he decides to seek some sort of retribution against you or your children. He's probably in full CYA mode now that his wife knows. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redheaded Mistress Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 I didn't say that the BS was or wasn't at fault. Only that situation is one of the trickiest and most frustrating. Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 Forgive me, but it was crystal clear (to me) the implication you were making, mainly that the BS wouldn't just exit right. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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