Left His Wife A Voicemail

[Redheaded Mistress]

Forgive me, but it was crystal clear (to me) the implication you were making, mainly that the BS wouldn't just exit right.

 

I'm sorry if that is what you were thinking I was implying, but it wasn't. I was only implying what I stated... It's tricky and frustrating.

 

If he stays because of a BS who wants to be married at all costs, then you're left with questions like "Well, why won't he go?," "Does she have to want him to go before he will go? Why?," "If he goes but knows she wants him no matter what, does he come into the relationship with a built in backup if it doesn't work?," "Does that make it easier for him to leave me?," "Why does she want him so badly? Did he know that when he started the affair?," "Is he lying to me/stringing me along/making excuses?"

 

And if he does leave, you have a couple of the questions above, plus questions like "Does this mean she's now going to go nuts?," "Is a BS going to show up at my doorstep to get him back?," "How difficult will she make leaving?," "Will a divorce make it better? Worse? The same?," "How long and how hard will she hold on?" And so on.

 

Either scenario, there are questions and problems, none of them better than the other. Hence the situation being tricky and frustrating.

[Lurkeraspect]

I'm sorry if that is what you were thinking I was implying, but it wasn't. I was only implying what I stated... It's tricky and frustrating.

 

If he stays because of a BS who wants to be married at all costs, then you're left with questions like "Well, why won't he go?," "Does she have to want him to go before he will go? Why?," "If he goes but knows she wants him no matter what, does he come into the relationship with a built in backup if it doesn't work?," "Does that make it easier for him to leave me?," "Why does she want him so badly? Did he know that when he started the affair?," "Is he lying to me/stringing me along/making excuses?"

 

And if he does leave, you have a couple of the questions above, plus questions like "Does this mean she's now going to go nuts?," "Is a BS going to show up at my doorstep to get him back?," "How difficult will she make leaving?," "Will a divorce make it better? Worse? The same?," "How long and how hard will she hold on?" And so on.

 

Either scenario, there are questions and problems, none of them better than the other. Hence the situation being tricky and frustrating.

 

I hear what you're saying, but let's not forget, the MM is the only one who has made threats towards the OP, the only one who has gone "nuts". His BS has had the info for a few days now, and not a peep. This MM isn't worth either woman's time. He's pathetic. I truly hope he's left by both.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I'm sorry if that is what you were thinking I was implying, but it wasn't. I was only implying what I stated... It's tricky and frustrating.

 

If he stays because of a BS who wants to be married at all costs, then you're left with questions like "Well, why won't he go?," "Does she have to want him to go before he will go? Why?," "If he goes but knows she wants him no matter what, does he come into the relationship with a built in backup if it doesn't work?," "Does that make it easier for him to leave me?," "Why does she want him so badly? Did he know that when he started the affair?," "Is he lying to me/stringing me along/making excuses?"

 

And if he does leave, you have a couple of the questions above, plus questions like "Does this mean she's now going to go nuts?," "Is a BS going to show up at my doorstep to get him back?," "How difficult will she make leaving?," "Will a divorce make it better? Worse? The same?," "How long and how hard will she hold on?" And so on.

 

Either scenario, there are questions and problems, none of them better than the other. Hence the situation being tricky and frustrating.

 

 

Isn't that what you kinda sign up for when you enter an affair?

 

Isn't it inherent that there are more than two peoples point of view/actions/reactions?

 

I always find it interesting when an AP/WS gives no forethought to the third/fourth people involved.

 

Not to mention any children.

 

Is it really that far fetched that the AP will have to deal with a BS that doesn't like them?

 

I really fail to see how anything you mentioned isn't involved in just about every affair dynamic. Not surprising or all that uncommon at all. It comes with the territory/hat badge.

[Redheaded Mistress]

I hear what you're saying, but let's not forget, the MM is the only one who has made threats towards the OP, the only one who has gone "nuts". His BS has had the info for a few days now, and not a peep. This MM isn't worth either woman's time. He's pathetic. I truly hope he's left by both.

 

I just made the passive comment that it's tricky a frustrating. Not that she's right, the bs is wrong, vice versa. General statement of sympathy. One, both, all, or none's bad behavior put totally aside.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Isn't that what you kinda sign up for when you enter an affair?

 

Sign up for? No... Acknowledge it's a possible result? Sometimes. Accept the degree in probability that it will be the result? Rarely.

 

Regardless, it doesn't negate another's acknowledgement of the tough situation it presents.

 

Isn't it inherent that there are more than two peoples point of view/actions/reactions?

 

Not necessarily. If nobody is caught, and everybody always thinks they won't be, there is really just the reactions of the two.

 

I always find it interesting when an AP/WS gives no forethought to the third/fourth people involved.

 

Not to mention any children.

 

In these situations, people rarely think of much else beyond the immediate and their own direct impact and wants. OW, OM, WS, BS, etc all included. Right or wrong, it is the nature of the beast.

 

Is it really that far fetched that the AP will have to deal with a BS that doesn't like them?

 

No, it's expected. The things that the BS does as a result however, or the things the BS does that they expect should be dealt with by others.. That's where things get complicated and perhaps cross from normal "I'm pissed and I don't like you" into "ok, she is being/acting flat out dangerous/nuts/inappropriate."

 

Regardless, that wasn't the point of my comment.

 

I really fail to see how anything you mentioned isn't involved in just about every affair dynamic. Not surprising or all that uncommon at all. It comes with the territory/hat badge.

 

If it does or doesn't come with the territory, that doesn't mean that expressing the situation is tricky or frustrating is out of line.

[AlwaysGrowing]

You can't have it both ways.

 

Every adult knows exactly the potential fall out from an affair.

 

To then say "oh, this is quite the pickle I am in...why is that person reacting like that?" Is disengenuous. It is to some....wayward thinking.

 

When you hurt someone....one should expect them to be....hurt.

 

To hide behind....well you weren't supposed to find out....is not taking responsibility.

 

Whether or not the intent of the AP/WS was to hurt the BS/s....that is what happened.

 

For what it is worth. OP....in the end you told the BS.

 

No cheerleaders, no parade, no medal.

 

Just the knowledge that you took a step in the right direction should be enough.

 

I wish you well on your life journey.

[Redheaded Mistress]

You can't have it both ways.

 

Every adult knows exactly the potential fall out from an affair.

 

I know if I get on a plane, it could crash. I know when I go 80 on the interstate, I could crash. I know if I smoke, I could develop cancer.

 

Knowing there are risks bad outcomes to behavior, even risky behavior, doesn't negate showing sympathy, or in this case, saying a situation is frustrating and difficult. Simple fact is... It is.

 

then say "oh, this is quite the pickle I am in...why is that person reacting like that?" Is disengenuous. It is to some....wayward thinking.When you hurt someone....one should expect them to be....hurt

 

Certain behaviors can be expected. Some aren't. An upset BS is expected. A BS acting out in a way that is destructive, dangerous, or otherwise is not.

 

Regardless, that isn't the topic here and I'm not sure why some are making it that. In this situation she said the BS doesn't care as long as she can say she's married and he stays. All I said was the situation is tricky and frustrating.

 

hide behind....well you weren't supposed to find out....is not taking responsibility.

 

I didn't say it was or wasn't. I simply said that is a line of thinking that it seems almost everybody has.

 

Whether or not the intent of the AP/WS was to hurt the BS/s....that is what happened.

 

Usually, yes. I never said otherwise. Even in the original benign statement, I never said this. I did, however, acknowledge the difficult and painful situation she is in and passively sympathized with how frustrating it is and difficult it is. She has feelings too and is obviously hurt, which she is also allowed to be, and I'm acknowledging it.

 

I don't think she asked for a medal, cheerleaders, or a parade, and I don't think anybody was giving her one. She did enlighten the BS, something here people seem to advocate, and she is having a tough time. That's what people are addressing. The middle ground between the snarky "you don't deserve any praise or a medal" and "you and everything about what you're doing is awesome."

Edited October 31, 2014 by Redheaded Mistress

[mintcondition]

Not always. Sometimes. But, not always. Sorry to break it to you.

 

 

 

 

 

Three years and you're still waiting? Oh yes.....more always than sometimes. He's a player....respect!

[Donesharing]

As you may know, I was involved with a MM for nearly 3 years. Was stupidly believing he was getting a divorce. Made plans to see him in November which he'd cancel, then reschedule, then cancel ...I was losing it. My heart hurt.

 

 

So, two days ago he called and said "I think we shouldn't see each other." I then called his wife's voicemail and said "I'm LF, the woman with whom your H has been having an affair for the past 3 years. For my role in that, I am sorry, but I also feel like you should have the option to know the truth, as I believe the lies went both ways. " I left her my phone number. She hasn't called.

 

 

He called me this afternoon saying his life is over. That he still loves me. That once he finds a new job and can move out of his home he will contact me. That he wants to see me but can't be secretive anymore. He said he wasn't mad that I called his wife.

 

 

I do wonder if he just sugar coated it for her and she'll never really know how intense it was and they'll just repair their marriage. I suppose that is up to them, I know it isn't my business. I need to now just remove myself and move on the best I can. I'm at a loss as to how to do that. I function minimilistically...get my kids where they need to be and hide in my bed. Guess this is grief. It is painful.

 

Sounds like how my D-day went down. Except I didn't leave a VM, I sent a FB mesage. He did tell me that his life was over....But, he didn't leave, she didn't leave, and I got cut off. NC from him. The grief is horrible. I am still having some bad days, but it is getting better. I tested the NC a few times. He has me blocked on his one phone that he uses all the time, but his other phone that he keeps at the office, he read the couple of messages I sent. I sent them to see if I was blocked. I am not, but he didn't reply. Either way he choose her, and that is really sad for me. I just thought we had something so real, and I thought he loved me. This is all a big sad disappointment. it will get better, the stages of grief will be necessary for you to go through, but you will get through it and it will get better. xo

[Donesharing]

For the first part of the relationship he told me his wife wanted the divorce. They were in fact separated for much of the 3 years. Regardless, yes...I know a married man is a married man. I guess I have a bit of a skewed opinion because my own divorce was very lengthy and both my exH and I started dating long before the divorce was done. Of course, we both knew this and didn't feel we were breaking any sort of vows...our marriage was done. I guess I believe people when they say their marriage is done. I did figure out he wasn't being forthcoming with how much his wife really knew...so yes, I participated in the betrayal. No excuse, but I was in love with him deeply. The mind isn't always rationale, and well...there are countless stories of such things.

 

 

 

 

I never said I was going back to him. He said he was going to come to me. What I'll do remains to be seen. And frankly, what he'll really do is an unknown as well.

 

Me too Lynne. My exH and I stayed living together and in a bit of chaos for 8 months before he moved out. We both were dating others during that time. But, the guilt and the kids made it very hard to follow through. But, we were both done. There is so much more to it. I too thought my MM was being truthful to me when he said that she knew he would be leaving once the kids were in college. I do understand where you are coming from.

[Donesharing]

He didn't break up with me. Just not meeting in Nov. He has in fact begged me to wait for him and has continued to call and email. So...whatever. You BS's are all over the OW who DO tell and all over the ones who DON'T. You'd rather be left in the dark? Because I can promise you MOST H's aren't going to own up to an affair unless they are caught or outed. But then again, there is a large piece of he population here who'd like to stick their heads in the sand and play happy housewife while their H's are on "business trips."

 

What boggles me is if they didn't get "caught" they would still be betraying their BS...so how do the BS justify forgiving their cheating spouse who would still be cheating if they didn't get caught or found out? It wasn't like the cheater suddenly had remorse and confessed. They got found out and then the game changed. I can tell you my MM would still be with me if his BW didn't know. She only knows because I told her. So, help me understand that one.

[Donesharing]

[quote=mintcondition;5973191

I'm not coming down on you for sleeping with the husband because people screw around; however, I'm trying to make you realize to you should have accepted your role as being some side ass, or recreational booty. That's all affairs are - recreational sex for a man and he'll sweet talk you to get what he wants. You didn't know that? Come on.

 

 

Way to much of a generalization. Some people have marriages that fail and they want out, but do not do it like the perfect person would. Emotions, kids, homes, families, guilt...there is so much more to it. Some people actually fall in love with another person. Not everyone is about sex. Sex was a very small part of my relationship with my MM. Most of our R was talking and supporting each other emotionally.

[FusionCutter]

What boggles me is if they didn't get "caught" they would still be betraying their BS...so how do the BS justify forgiving their cheating spouse who would still be cheating if they didn't get caught or found out? It wasn't like the cheater suddenly had remorse and confessed. They got found out and then the game changed. I can tell you my MM would still be with me if his BW didn't know. She only knows because I told her. So, help me understand that one.

 

It's actually very simple to understand. In an instant you went from being a asset to his life, side sex or whatever, and as soon as you told, you became a liability to his life. It threatened his existence whereas before you totally enhanced it for him. It's actually very simple to see why he tossed you to the curb. It's the same reason why you were a secret for so long. He knew it would end if she found out too. Inside you probably knew the same, you were just in denial. What did you expect, that if you told her and forced his hand, that he would come running back to you? No way! If it was that simple he would've told her about you himself.

[hope2014]

So, yesterday I had a conversation with exMM and things just went completely down hill. It is done. We both had more we wanted to say, but I just hung up...couldn't take the emotional tension. Felt good for the first 12 hours, now I'm up to a full 24 hours without calls or emails and I hurt.

 

 

How long does it take to feel better. How long does it take to get over the anger? I feel like at my age this may have been my last chance at love and it makes me sick with depression.

 

I hope by now, you already have moved on with life. Life is too short to dwell on the negatives. Find support from family and friends and choose to be happy. You deserve it.

[purplesorrow]

What boggles me is if they didn't get "caught" they would still be betraying their BS...so how do the BS justify forgiving their cheating spouse who would still be cheating if they didn't get caught or found out? It wasn't like the cheater suddenly had remorse and confessed. They got found out and then the game changed. I can tell you my MM would still be with me if his BW didn't know. She only knows because I told her. So, help me understand that one.

 

It boggles my mind how one can sneak around with another's husband. Get completely out of sorts when it ends but then judge someone for trying to salvage her life by trying to forgive. If she does get to a true place of forgiveness believe me, it costs her a lot. Imagine feeling shame and have to keep a secret when you didn't commit the offense.

[Trimmer]

<sigh...> For the first 3/4 of this thread, I was reading and thinking, hey, it's pretty calm here - folks not carping and arguing, but just offering the OP advice. And then the inevitable BS/OW sniping...

 

Well, I'm a former BS, and I'm not going to judge whether you should have told her, or why you actually decided to tell her. (Actually, I reserve the right to judge you silently, ha ha!) But even separate from those issues, I do have one concern for you:

He called me this afternoon saying his life is over. That he still loves me. That once he finds a new job and can move out of his home he will contact me. That he wants to see me but can't be secretive anymore. He said he wasn't mad that I called his wife.

The concern I have is that you were (apparently) trying to make it final and get closure, etc. But in the end, if your revealing the affair to his wife did end up getting him kicked out, then instead of bringing certainty and closure, you may have just kicked the situation right back into ambiguous-land.

 

In other words, if it's now all out in the open, no more secrecy, and if they do separate as a result, is is possible that this just lowers the obstacles to continuing the affair - which is exactly the opposite of what you intended?

 

Whether he actually makes the move or not...we shall see.

Here's the thing: this man threatened you and your children. He threatened to do harm to you, and do "unspeakable damage" to your family. He threatened your children. I put that in underline, and italic, and bold, because those are all the ways I can emphasize it here.

 

If you were my sister or daughter, I would be asking you: "How is this not a complete and total deal-breaker?"

 

So "whether he makes the move or not... we shall see" should be irrelevant. His threats should have broken any prospect of a relationship, illicit or not, present or future. Please have enough self-respect to see this, for the sake of your children if nothing else.

 

So that's why I'm worried that your communication with his wife which may have led to his potential "freed-up" status might not be a good thing, unless you are 100% committed to excluding him from your life.

 

I'm sorry, but the threats are unforgivable.

Edited October 31, 2014 by Trimmer

[mintcondition]

It's actually very simple to understand. In an instant you went from being a asset to his life, side sex or whatever, and as soon as you told, you became a liability to his life. It threatened his existence whereas before you totally enhanced it for him. It's actually very simple to see why he tossed you to the curb. It's the same reason why you were a secret for so long. He knew it would end if she found out too. Inside you probably knew the same, you were just in denial. What did you expect, that if you told her and forced his hand, that he would come running back to you? No way! If it was that simple he would've told her about you himself.

 

 

 

Awesome!....preach on.

[LynnFrost]

One week into NC I'm feeling weak. I have every reason to NOT contact him, but I'm struggling. It really is like addiction. I'm here posting instead of emailing him. This sucks.

 

 

How are you all doing with NC?

[Angelita]

Yeah it isn't easy at all. I lasted week then I broke NC. Be strong and continue. Try too find something to do keep your mind off him. I know it's hard but trust me the feeling you get after you break NC is ten times worse.

[Friskyone4u]

There is no easy way other than to do what you are doing. Anyone addicted to anything goes through the same withdrawal. You should keep posting as you did, and try not to get into the mindset that you need pity for your pain.!

You are in a relationship that is most likely not healthy for you in the long term, is debasing if found out to you AP partner and family, and to your partner if discovered. Where is the win win for you in this equation other than some sex, which the odds overwhelmingly say is what your married man cherishes most regardless of what he is saying. Cut off the sex and see how long he sticks around.

Unfortunately you will probably get a lot responses here feeling so sorry for your situation instead of trying to help you stop having sex with someone else's husband

If you really want out don't communicate . There is no easy road but it will get easier if you stick to it and knock yourself out of the fog you are in. But you have to want to do it and no One here can go they the pain for you.

[LynnFrost]

There is no easy way other than to do what you are doing. Anyone addicted to anything goes through the same withdrawal. You should keep posting as you did, and try not to get into the mindset that you need pity for your pain.!

You are in a relationship that is most likely not healthy for you in the long term, is debasing if found out to you AP partner and family, and to your partner if discovered. Where is the win win for you in this equation other than some sex, which the odds overwhelmingly say is what your married man cherishes most regardless of what he is saying. Cut off the sex and see how long he sticks around.

Unfortunately you will probably get a lot responses here feeling so sorry for your situation instead of trying to help you stop having sex with someone else's husband

If you really want out don't communicate . There is no easy road but it will get easier if you stick to it and knock yourself out of the fog you are in. But you have to want to do it and no One here can go they the pain for you.

 

 

 

Just to clarify, I am a single exOW...so no there isn't risk of my "partner" finding out.

[Decisiontomake]

Just to clarify, I am a single exOW...so no there isn't risk of my "partner" finding out.

 

Well done for saying "exOW" :-). It sucks, big time. I know. Let's celebrate one day at a time. xx

[LynnFrost]

Well done for saying "exOW" :-). It sucks, big time. I know. Let's celebrate one day at a time. xx

 

 

 

 

Thanks for the words of encouragement. Trying to think of it all as in the past. Hope you are doing well.