Could we be more than best friends???

[talj]

Hey everyone this is my first post so if I haven't put it in the right forum I'm sorry!!! Here goes.....

 

*D and I have been best friends for 10 years. We have been through some really tough situations, my parents divorced and his mum has been very ill. We speak on the phone every night sometimes for a couple of hours at a time, we can talk about anything everything. He recently said I'm the only person who knows everything about him and I'm the only person he feels he can be open, honest and talk about absolutely anything with.

 

We've discussed over the years where this "friendship" maybe going and 2 years ago I split up with my then boyfriend. A few weeks after this *D asked me if I would agree to not see anyone and see how things went between us.....what more could I want, my best friend as the person I share the rest of my life with.....sounded like a great idea so I said yes!

 

2 years later nothing has changed :-(

 

If anything we seem to be growing further apart. Every couple of months we go through a few days where I ask what exactly it is we are doing, he says he really wants us to make a go of things but at the moment he has a lot on his plate and needs to sort his head out first. This has happened at least 4 times in the last 6 months and I really don't think things are ever going to change. Its not fair keeping me hanging on here, I've said over and over if he doesn't think things are going to be any more than friends to tell me so I can go out there and get on with my life, every time I say this he crys and says he doesn't want to lose me. I even once mentioned maybe I would go on a date with a guy from work and he cried when I told him this but then he doesn't do anything or show me any signs that things are going to change between us.

 

Hope this is making some sense to you guys? I'm just looking for your opinions on whether this is just going to stay the same and what you think I should do? I recently told him that maybe we should stop speaking for a couple of months and see how things go.....he got really emotional about that too so I felt I couldn't go through with it but the more days that go by and the more things just stay the same the more I feel I just need a break from it all.

 

Anyone got any ideas??

[tokyo]

I thought it's only women who allegedly use the emotional weapon to create feelings of guilt and regret.

 

2 years is such a long time for nothing to happen.... WOW! You are patient. And what's with all this talk about not wanting you to date and losing you? I don't get it why he doesn't let you go out and date if he's not interested in a relationship anyway.

 

I'm pretty sure this is going to stay this way, I mean, where's the incentive to change? There's not need for him to change. He gets what he wants and if you want more he cries and gets emotional. Unfortunately people don't change on their own if there's no reason to do so. People change, because they are risking to lose something if they don't. He is getting what he wants and he has been neglecting your feelings for 2 years, for 2 years it was just about him and his issues. What are his issues and is he interested at all in solving them with your help? Why does he keep you around when he doesn't have that much trust in you? 2 years is a whole lot of time to sort your head out. Looks like he's hoping for some miracle to erase all his problems and that is not going to happen. He should at least show some willingness to overcome his problems if not it would really be better that you leave him, because you are not doing yourself and him a favor by staying. He's not going to change if you don't change the situation he is in.

[talj]

Hey Kooky thanks for your reply.

 

For a bit further information when we first became friends his dad had just died of cancer, he was 21 and I was 16. He is now 30 and Im 25. Since his dad passed away his mum has had serious heart problems and has had surgery. She is now battling breast cancer on top of everything else. he's an only child and only has 2 elderly aunts who are also unwell. So thats his problems! And I do feel for him, I try to help him in every way I can. The last time we fell out over all this he says he wants the same things as me but he needs to get his head together, I said surely it would help to have someone to go through this with him, he just said "you know I have to do this on my own" but he also said he wants the same things that I do he just needs to get all this sorted out.

 

To be honest I cant see that he is ever going to get these things sorted out, they are always going to be there.

 

Do you think I should just walk away? and if I do should I just stop contact with him or should I tell him i've had enough?

 

Its so damn confusing!!

[tokyo]

Hm, that poor guy is really facing a very tough situation. I would have thought the same as you that it would be nicer to have someone close to help him handle his problems.

 

I can only explain his delaying of having a relationship with you that the loss of his father and seeing his mom so sick has confirmed his belief that nothing in this world really last, you see beloved ones go and that's why he's afraid of opening himself to you too much, because if he did he might not stand the pain of seeing you leave, too (for whatever reason). And that's why he also refusing help, because what will happen if he relies on someone and then one day that person leaves, who will help him then if he can't do it on his own?

 

Well, that's my guess for your situation and I think I should revise my previous post a bit. You seem like a nice person and he, too, and you have obviously thought for a long time that he was worth it, so maybe you shouldn't give up on him now, not yet at least. He owes you to talk with you about his problems at least and tell you what exactly he's trying to sort out, because not wanting a relationship, but also not wanting you to go out is a huge request and it would be nice if he could show you somehow that there is a future for both of you indeed. I don't really think you can ever have a relationship with someone who is unwilling to let you participate in his life and that's something that you will have to make clear to him. He should be aware that you are someone he can rely on, but that he must also let you in. Maybe it would help to stop talking about leaving for a while and tell him that you would really like to help him, without focusing too much on wanting a relationship with him. The relationship would probably the consequence of him trusting you more.

 

That's just my take on the situation, I'm not sure if I'm right or not. I have some difficulties relating to him, because I've never been in such a tough situation as he is and I think I'd probably prefer to be with someone if I have feelings for no matter what the situation is, but some people might be really pessimistic and just see the possible negative consequences, so they prefer to stay with the bad that they know than the bad they don't know yet. Anyway, I hope you can get more advice from more experienced people here. :)m

[talj]

Thanks for your replies Kookey your advice has been really helpful.

 

It is a tough one, some days I think I could never just walk away and not talk to him again and other days I feel like its just all too much.

 

He does talk to me alot about everything thats happening with his mum and when he gets down he knows he can call me or whatever anytime, recently we have had lots of talks about his Dad, especially around his birthday as he was really low, just wishing his Dad could be there and stuff. We have talked about me helping him through everything and he says I have but he really needs to do this on his own......but do what?

 

To add something here that I didnt say earleir.....when we started talking 10 years ago he was living at home with his mum, we'd talk everyday and there was never a problem. Since then he has moved away and lives on his own, he goes home and stays at his mums about once every three weeks. When he's there I dont hear from him at all, no calls, no emails not even a text. I've asked him many times about it, I have even thought there maybe someone else but he insists there isnt but he will still not contact me when he goes home.

 

I get angry sometimes.....why should I sit with my life on hold, be here for him whenever he calls, not go out incase he needs me, and then when he goes to his mums for the weekend I am expected to forget he exists. I dont know if that sounds awful or not but to show what I mean.....he went to his mums for three weeks over christmas and the new year......normally we talk everynight but for that three weeks I heard nothing, no call no text no emails......that really hurts me and I find it hard to understand.

 

I maybe rambling a bit here if so I apologise but I am just trying to get all these things sorted out in my head so I can decide where to go from here, things cant stay this way....but what happens now??

[tokyo]

Man, that's wanting to keep the cake and eating it what he's doing...

 

You are too nice and too much in love. You must stop revolving your life around him all the time. Ignoring you is not ok and if talking to him doesn't change that much, then stop being so available to him. Don't sit at home and wait for him to call you in case he needs you, I think it would be a good idea to slowly reduce your availability to make him realize that this is not how it works. I think if you cut the contact off to crossly then he might think that you are letting him down and it might create too much additional pressure on himself. It will also give you the chance to gain back some control over the situation and yourself without going cold-turkey.

 

Have a life, because you deserve it.

[CurvyGurl]

I wouldn't stop contacting him, but I would put him squarely back into the friends column and date other people. Two years is entirely too long.. either he's ready or he's not. He can't reserve you for when he is ready, simply because he doesn't want you to date anyone other than him.

 

 

Pee or get off the pot !

[talj]

Thanks again Kookey, you really seem to be able to see this situation for what it is and I appreciate your helpfulness.

 

I was thinking about maybe just dropping him a call twice a week from now on. But I dont want to tell him Im cutting down on talking or anything, just not be "available" like I always am at the moment. I dont want to lose contact with him but everything you are saying is so right.......

 

How do you think this will come across though? I dont want it to seem as if the rest of the time when we arent in touch I dont care.....I'd just like him to see all of this works both ways I suppose.......is this the way to go about it though??

 

Men huh?!!

[moimeme]

he says he really wants us to make a go of things but at the moment he has a lot on his plate and needs to sort his head out first

 

The man is thirty years old. He's had a very long time to sort his head out. If he hasn't by now figured out that the way of life is that one often has 'a lot on his plate', then he's not getting much wiser as he ages. He sounds emotionally immature and if he's not over that by 30, the chances aren't good he'll get better. I'm afraid it's time to move on.

[talj]

everything each of you has said is right, i feel a bit of an idiot for sticking around so long, the trouble is walking away is really hard, believe me I've tried it and everytime I end up saying sorry and going back, I just give in.

[tokyo]

I can believe it's hard to walk away when you're so much in love.

 

But see it like this, if it's not you who is changing the situation, then who will? He won't, that looks like a dead end. I think if you want your relationship to develop and improve somehow than it's going to be you who is taking the first steps and who has to be strong. Sometimes being too nice without a spine is not helping anybody. And I didn't say, just leave him at once, but I recommended to back off slowly so you can get used to the situation and concentrate on yourself more without abandoning him. If the need to call him is too big, then tell yourself that if you are too weak you are neither doing him or yourself a favor.

[talj]

Your right! By being the way I am its not only making myself miserable but its doing nothing to help him or the situation.

 

I just need to withdraw gradually, if I just cut contact completely I wont last more than a few days. An email every now and then to say Hi and a call occassionally isnt that hard to do. I know I can do it and with what you said in mind "If the need to call him is too big, then tell yourself that if you are too weak you are neither doing him or yourself a favor."

 

If you've got any other helpful hints I'd appreciate it, I have never had feelings like this for anyone in my life before so I know that withdrawing is going to be hard and I suppose totally opposite to what I really want, but I know its for the best.

[tokyo]

Maybe take some evening class so you will surely not be around to catch his call. I'd like to learn bellydancing, that's surely fun and you will just meet women there, no temptation and you still didn't wait at home for. And maybe you could show him some moves to give him an idea of what would expect him in a relationship with you

[WithOrWithoutYou]

He is 30? I thought he was a kid by the way he was acting until I finished reading and you said he was 30. I would agree with the other poster. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. He doesn't want to take it to the next level with you, but wants to prevent you from doing that with anyone else, because he knows he is really the one you want.

 

Try asking him to make love to you, and see what happens (don't forget precautions)... Time for him to love you or let you go (that doesn't mean you can't still be friends, but the posessive stuff needs to stop if he isn't going to do anything about it). Just my opinion.

[life loser]

do what your heart tells you to do - if you want to jump his bones - do it - just jump on him one day/night

 

if you don't want to don't - but what ever you want to do, do it

[talj]

Hey guys just wanted a little bit more advice, in the past I have tried to cut down on how much I am available to D*, I fill my evenings and weekends with things going out with friends etc but he's still on my mind and in the end I just go back to being the way I have been for the past 9 years, how can I stop this? Sometimes if I dont contact him for a few days it is like proper withdrawl symptoms, as silly as that sounds I cant get over that bit, I back down and call him everytime......I want this to stop, I dont want to feel like my life revolves around a guy who obviously doesnt feel the same about me.........how can I put a stop to all this?

[WithOrWithoutYou]

Cutting down your time with him, going back to the way things were, back and forth, is really just avoiding the real issue.

 

I think you need to decide what his place in your life is, and act on that decision.

 

If you don't want to press for his being more than just a friend, you have to decide in your own mind that a friend is all he is going to be, at least in the near term, and you need to move on with your dating life and SEE OTHER MEN (and explain to him what you are doing and why if he brings it up or makes it an issue). You may even want to have a talk with him about it, if you really do talk about everything. Make clear that you have strong feelings for him, but that if he does not want to make anything happen with you, that you want that sort of closeness with someone, and that you are going to be moving on. You can even leave the door open for something in the distant future if you want, but tell him you can make him no promises, but that you hope you will always be good friends at minimum.

 

It sounds to me like you two are practically a couple in most meaningful ways, but he is withholding the kind of affection that a romantically involved couple usually enjoy with one another (hugs, kissing, long romantic walks, exchange of loving words, sex). If you really want him to be more than a friend, take some decisive action to try to take it to the next level. It sounds like you are already as close to him as you could possibly be in all the ways that matter (can talk about anything, spend tons of time together, enjoy each other's company, etc.). See my post above, for advice on what you could try if you want him to be more than a friend. (Obviously, you are not just going to say "do me". Be romantic about it, but don't drop hints - tell him what you want - you're a smart person, be creative, but don't be shy! It may be up to you to make the next move. Do not ASSUME that he is not interested in you, just because he has not done so. He may just be terrified of screwing up your freindship if something more happens, but sometimes things we want in life are worth taking risks, and it really sounds like AGAIN, that IF it is going to become more than a friendship, and IF that is what you really want, YOU are going to have to initiate taking it to the next level. He's 30. Is he going to wait until he is 40 before calling you his GF and showing you some of that type of affection? Make a move.

 

So that is my advice on what you should do. Pick one (he is a friend, or he is a friend and lover), and make it happen by acting on it.

[tokyo]

I think Withourwithout, if that guy just had the "normal" problems and doubts that other people have than maybe you approach would work, but he has huge problems and he becomes very emotional when she wants to leave. In my eyes this does not indicate a very stable personality. If she applies to much pressure he's gone. And it's not that he's not aware that she's interested in him, what he is doing is constantly delaying the next step and he's using his tears in order to keep her back. That guy is not stupid, just not willing to commit to her needs. It is some kind of egoism, of course. If she insists on more, he might decide that he's not willing/ready to give more and that it's not worth the effort. He likes the benefits of having her around, but if he only get the benefits when he also deals with her needs he might decide to let it go. Well, maybe that would be better, but obviously Talj is too much in love with him and I'm not sure if she would be able to deal with all the regrets that she later has. I've recommended to withdraw slowly and thus giving her time to get over him and applying some pressure on him without causing him to panick and cut all ties.

 

Talj, I don't know what you could do in order to fight the urge to call him, just don't call. With every call you are going back to the old situation and you are not changing anything. With every call that you don't make you are either closer to a relationship with him or closer to getting over him. Think about the time you have invested already, if you call you are going to ruin this. How about making a plan when you want to call him, like, call him every Thursday and Monday. On Monday you can talk with him about what you did during the weekend. And do something on your weekends so you have something to show off Make a plan and stick to it.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

I do see your point kooky, but this guy is purposely playing with her. Do you honestly believe he would turn her down cold if she basically offered herself to him sexually? I mean, some guys do need a kick start. I don't know. If they are as close, and he has the sort of feelings for her that her post implies he might, then that would make him a very irregular 30-year-old guy indeed (unless he is secretly gay). Then again, your comment that he is not exactly your normal type of guy, or the most stable personality, may have some merit. Then again, she did mention in her last post that she is looking for a way to "put a stop to this". A direct approach would certainly do that, one way or the other, whereas the pulling back and tantalizing him could drag on indefinately.

 

Your approach does have validity though, and it actually seems not too dissimiar to the first option I suggested if she wanted to just not press him for now, acknowledge (just to herself in her own mind) that nothing romantically is going to happen with him in the very near term, and keep him for a friend, while leaving the door open for the future. I think it should DEFINATELY involve her seeing other men though. You hinted at this I think, when you mentioned doing something on the weekend so she would have something to tell him about. I'm not sure that telling him all about her other relationships (other than perhaps that they exist) is a good idea though. It's none of his business, and wondering exactly what is going on or not going on between her and other men she might date might do him some good. Your idea of also pulling back from him, is also a good one, if she decides to go this route. It might indeed wake him up - or it might not. Either way, IF she is also seeing other men, at least she would be moving on and meeting new people, and at least he would be seeing that he cannot do this forever. I think the dating others is a very important thing though, otherwise this might just drag on indefinately, which is exactly what she does not want. At least if she dates others, other good things might happen. Good thoughts kooky.

[tokyo]

WithOrWithoutYou (now I got your name right ), I agree with you that Talj should go out, but I'm not sure if she should go out with men already. When I said she should do something on weekends, I just meant to say, have fun, enjoy your hobbies, go hiking, in short, get a life without him. I think meeting men should be the next step and if she goes out a lot she'll eventually meet someone who is nice without having to force herself to date anybody now when her heart still wants him so badly. Consider it a slow process of detoxification in order to avoid any kinds of regrets from her part and to give him sufficient time to react. It's the way out of the backdoor, because I don't really think that she's that strong to give him hard facts and tell him that it's over. His emotional blackmailing as far as now has worked out well and when I read her posts she gives me the impression that she still feels too much for him even though she has started to realize that she needs to get out of this situation.

 

I have the feeling if she tells him that she is going to see other men now, that he would not understand it and overreact. If that was a normal guy with normal problems he might need this smack on his head (not literally) to wake up, but as I said he doesn't seem very stable and he's used too much to the current situation. Changing it abruptly might cause strange reactions from his part and I also assume that her starting to date again would cause him big trouble, it's not such a light thing for him. If she withdraws slowly she's at least giving him time to react adequately to the new situation.

 

I kind of doubt that the sex approach would deliver a lot of results. He probably will give in to her attempts to seduce him, but I don't think that being intimate with her is what he truly wants. He will give in to his physical reactions, but that doesn't mean he's ready yet for this part of a relationship. I think you have to be careful to let people enter a relationship on their free will and not to persuade or seduce them to do something that they don't want. See, a normal guy would not think like this, but a normal guy wouldn't have been friends with a girl he likes for two years and continue delaying a relationship till he's ready. If this was just about sex he might have started a friends with benefits relationship with her, but that doesn't seem to be what he wants.

 

I'm not sure if he's playing with her or not. I don't think he's cruel with intention, but there's a lot of egoism involved, that's true. Isn't it awful that all men are the same? (just kidding )

 

In the end it's Talj who has to decide what feels best for her....

[talj]

thanks you guys for all your help. do you think maybe I should write to him and explain things, or do you think its past that stage now?

 

why if someone told you exactly how they felt about you would you mess them about like this, i could move on if he'd tell me straight rather than just keep me here, dangling!

[angelj]

be his friend. give him space, he will call when hes ready. you will still think about him but if you keep up the no contact for a littlew hile, it will get way easier. out of sight out of mind...yeah it helps a lot.

 

dont give up hope, but dont get your hopes up too much. just push him to a little space in the back of your head and focus on bettering yourself, your health, something. be selfish, sometimes its good for you when all you have done is give and give and give.

[tokyo]

Originally posted by talj

thanks you guys for all your help. do you think maybe I should write to him and explain things, or do you think its past that stage now?

 

why if someone told you exactly how they felt about you would you mess them about like this, i could move on if he'd tell me straight rather than just keep me here, dangling!

 

I'm not sure, it's late here and I think I'm in a bad mood right now, my advice may not be the best, but I don't think that writing will help at all, I'm pretty sure he doesn't really care about this as long as he doesn't see actions. Maybe I'm projecting my own feelings on your situation, I don't know..... Right now I'm fantasizing about giving a certain person a smack on his head and a kick in his ass and I have the feeling you would love to do it, too. Maybe it's time to throw a really big tantrum and tell him what a big idiot he is. Where's the damn respect here?

[WithOrWithoutYou]

Originally posted by kooky

In the end it's Talj who has to decide what feels best for her....

 

On that we definately agree.

 

As for writing him, I don't see the point, unless she decides that she is not going to see other people because it might offend him, and wants him to be certain and be able to rest assured that his emotional blackmail has worked, and that she will always be there, or at least will be there for now until telling him otherwise - not a good idea. If she does decide to see other men, not much point in writing him about that either. She should do that for herself if she is going to do that, and writing him, since she basically knows it will bother him, would just be rubbing salt in the wound, which I don't think she wants to do either. So I also do not see the purpose of writing anything, albeit probably for different reasons that kooky has.

 

The reason I think she should see other men (for herself, not for him or for the effect it will or won't have on him), is that IMO this guy clearly IS playing with her, and using "emotional blackmail" as you call it. If you read her post, they have been inseperable best friends for TEN years, not just for two - two is just when she first tried to really initiate. If he wanted something more than friendship with her without her pressing, he would have done it a very LONG time ago. I agree with your assessment that she obviously has feelings for this guy, and feelings of love can be somewhat like an addiction. The nice thing about love as an addiction, is it is not an addiction we need to kick, or get rid of, since it is something that can actually make our lives better. If you ask any person who has experience with addiction or in seeing others who suffer from it, it is MUCH easier to trade one addiction for another, than to try to truly "kick the habit" (cigarette smokers eat when quitting, cokeheads switch to heroin, people who use a ton of weed and want to stop, often switch to tobacco). If she finds another love addiction (some other guy she decides she really likes and wants to spend time with - and maybe even have feelings of love for), her feelings for this guy who is jerking her around WILL start to fade.

 

As a secondary point, if her initiating (a romantic relationship, not just sex) with this guy isn't going to work, and seeing other people is going to send him reeling and make him blow a circuit (which must be about control - even if HE doesn't really want her in that way, at least not "at the moment", right?) - is this the kind of person that she really wants a romantic long-term relationship with anyway? She may love him, but she should think about whether this is good for her. I think she is starting to see that maybe it isn't, becasue she is here, and has said that she wants this "to stop". Something to think about.

 

So to recap, I agree that backing off from him and not forcing the issue may be the right thing to do, but forsaking her own dating life by just going out with friends rather than going out with any guys she might actually be interested in, just so not as to hurt his little feelings while he is jerking her around, emotionally blackmailing her, and basically telling her he doesn't want her right now, as long as she doesn't see anyone else - that I don't really agree with. In my opinion, I think she should see other men, just for herself, because the sooner she does that, the sooner she is going to get over this guy, or at least start to. The guys she goes out with may not be people she will fall madly in love with, or who she wants to marry, but nice company does help to heal a broken heart - and I think it's time for her to start healing, because this guy is playing games. But like you said, it is totally up to her.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

why if someone told you exactly how they felt about you would you mess them about like this, i could move on if he'd tell me straight rather than just keep me here, dangling!

 

Your assessment is right on the money. Why indeed! You deserve better than that, and he should not be doing what he is doing. What he is doing is a form of game playing (I want nothing to do with you in that way right now for my own vague reasons, but at some point I might, so don't date or sleep with anyone else, in case I ever decide I want you). What is that, anyway? I do not pursue people who intentionally play games with me. Whether you choose to do so, is up to you. Unless he can give clear and meaningful understandable reasons why a certain specific time in the future (as in weeks or a very small number of months, not years) is going to be better than right now (something a little better than "I need some time to get my head together", or "when I'm ready"), you should take steps to try to move on. If he sees that and goes after you, great. If he sees that and tries to send you on a guilt trip about it by crying like a baby over your trying to find some happiness in your life, you will know what he really is. If he sees that and emotionally shuts you out, well, he probably would have done that eventually anyway, because he is not displaying characteristics of someone who can have a normal type of relationship.

 

You are right to recognize that something is wrong, which is why I recommended that you date other men, and see what is out there. No need to write him a long letter about it, just do it. Do it for you, not for, or against him. This is about your life, and you cannot live your life constantly evaluating how your reasonable actions are going to effect someone who is playing with you, when the actions of that other person are not reasonable. Do be prepared for the fact that it might offend him, and that he might not like the fact that you are dating (and/or pursuing a romantic relationship, with all that may involve) with other men. But isn't that HIS problem? This has officially been going on for 2 years, but you have known him for 10, and I have to believe, that all through his 20s, there were opportunities, things said, etc. that could have led to a romantic relationship between you two if that had been something he really desired in his heart. If he felt that kind of an attraction for you enough to act on it, would he not have done it by now? Has he said what he is waiting for, specificially? Does he want to turn 40 before getting romantic with you, and if so, what about that date (or whatever other reason he may give you), is important to him? Those are not questions for you to ask him, because he probably does not know himself. You have tried to pursue him, and he has rejected you, but has made clear he wants you to keep your life on hold, and he wants to keep you on a string, for such time that he may want to pursue something with you. You are better than that.

 

The point is, you need to look out for yourself, and your life, and the answer to your question about why someone would mess with you like this (and I am reading into your question why would "someone who truly cares about you, even if only as a good friend") mess with you about something like that - I think you may already know the answer to that question. A good friend would care about you enough to give you a straight answer, and would put your happiness above his own if he knew he could not commit to a relationship (not do cheesy things like reject your advances, and then cry when you tried to move on with your life by going on a date with another man). Even if it bothered him, if he truly cared about your happiness above his own, he would suck it up, and act happy for you in your new relationships, not cry about it and use his tears to try to control you. Even more to the point, if he knew how you felt about him (and he must because you have told him 50 times already), he might even give it a shot with you and see where it could go! What a concept!

 

It sure sounds to me like he has a case of the "I don't know what I wants", and you are better than that. If he needs time to figure that out, fine, but in the mean time, you should get on with your life, and if something happens in the future, great [and if he is the sort of guy that is going to consider you "used goods" because you had relationships with other men in the mean time, he isn't the sort of guy you want anyway]. And who knows, you might really find someone else nice! You deserve to be with someone who wants a relationship with you, and doesn't need another 10 years to think about it. Just my opinion. As kooky said, you have to do what you think is right.

 

PS: As a side note, if you do write him something or explain something to him, don't make it about what would be ok with him, and don't allow him to manipulate you by trading his understanding, for modification of your actions, or what you say you are going to do. Decide what you are going to do, and inform him of that, and if you want to work in another chance to try to make it work between the two of you, fine (although this will probably just serve to make you look desperate for him, and thinking you will always be there for him may be a big part of his problem). Whatever you do, just don't call him up and ask all kinds of permission to date other guys, promising him that you will put artificial limitations on those relationships - that just wouldn't be right, for you, or for the other guys you might want to see. It also isn't any of his business, and he needs to understand that he does not have control over your life.