Would you date a woman with very light self cutting scars

[todreaminblue]

ill second the word crazy thrown around when an opening poster asks a heartfelt question is hard to swallow.....

 

but thats the world for you......there are people who just dont understand the concept of self harm and or mental illness...and faded scars are wounds from wars won......battles that have been overcome a long time ago..........

 

it is better to know early if a guy can handle your past or not......i have found from dating i cover mine...guys dont really bring them up......and i dont feel the need to explain them...... if i had to explain as above i would say battles that i have won.......and dont need to battle again.....if they questioned me further......i would say i am not really able to tell you more......and honestly it wont help you to know.....

 

 

the honest truth is........i have only been completely naked with one person in my life....i was with him for fifteen years..he was compassionate kind and caring and understood my past enough to love me regardless..........that is a bigger battle i face....trusting any guy....with my heart.......i have many battles i guess that are ongoing....cutting isnt one of them.....

 

for em its better for a guy to walk away sooner than later....i need strength in man to feel safe......a guy who isnt afraid of me or my past...i woudl prefer to get the sliders out fo the way early...its a blessing if they leave....

 

yoru faded scars are battles you have no longer...dont let those battle be revisited..explain when asked...be honest...be comfortable with what you say........best wishes...deb

[Georgia2014]

Again, then what is the point of this thread.

 

If my opinion is "No" and your response is "You are being judgmental" then this thread serves 0 purpose. You are just fishing for responses to validate your side.

 

If I were to meet a man and he had old self cutting scars I would go out with him if I liked him. I have learned to accept there are people who judge others in this world like you do. Thankfully due to all I have been through I have learned not to judge others. I am proud my scars will keep the judge mental men away.

[Georgia2014]

ill second the word crazy thrown around when an opening poster asks a heartfelt question is hard to swallow.....

 

but thats the world for you......there are people who just dont understand the concept of self harm and or mental illness...and faded scars are wounds from wars won......battles that have been overcome a long time ago..........

 

it is better to know early if a guy can handle your past or not......i have found from dating i cover mine...guys dont really bring them up......and i dont feel the need to explain them...... if i had to explain as above i would say battles that i have won.......and dont need to battle again.....if they questioned me further......i would say i am not really able to tell you more......and honestly it wont help you to know.....

 

 

the honest truth is........i have only been completely naked with one person in my life....i was with him for fifteen years..he was compassionate kind and caring and understood my past enough to love me regardless..........that is a bigger battle i face....trusting any guy....with my heart.......i have many battles i guess that are ongoing....cutting isnt one of them.....

 

for em its better for a guy to walk away sooner than later....i need strength in man to feel safe......a guy who isnt afraid of me or my past...i woudl prefer to get the sliders out fo the way early...its a blessing if they leave....

 

yoru faded scars are battles you have no longer...dont let those battle be revisited..explain when asked...be honest...be comfortable with what you say........best wishes...deb

 

Thank you for your response. I like your response to if a guy asks about your scars it's a battle I have won. Thank you for your kind post.

[Phoe]

I cut myself when I was 12. Very badly. Those scars will NEVER go away, as much as I'd like them to.

 

I was a strange and troubled child. I was bullied and physically abused.

 

As I grew up, I changed, and moved on from the things that troubled me.

 

I carry no baggage from it, and am mentally very stable. I carry nothing with me from that time, except the marks on my skin.

 

I see no reason for anyone to pass me up at 25, for something I did when I was 12. 12 year olds do dumb things.

[IronZ]

I have before but they weren't light and she was a continuing cutter (I guess that's the term?). It was soul crushing to be in a relationship with her. I felt like her therapist rather than her boyfriend.

 

So to answer the question, no. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a cutter. It's really depressing. And I think if you're a cutter you need to seek professional help before allowing yourself to go into a relationship and putting all that baggage on someone else.

[somedude81]

A long time ago I had a very brief thing with a woman who was a cutter. I didn't know about her issue until we were already a couple.

 

A woman who cuts is a red flag but not a deal-breaker. Though I would want her to be going to therapy to work on her issues if she's still cutting.

 

If the cutting was something she did in the past and hasn't done for a long time, I'd want to know why she did it, and that's she done now. After that I'd never talk about it again.

[todreaminblue]

Again, then what is the point of this thread.

 

If my opinion is "No" and your response is "You are being judgmental" then this thread serves 0 purpose. You are just fishing for responses to validate your side.

 

and i guess its wrong for op to want to feel validated to date with scars isnt it.........she gets to see both sides she has a right to feel judged..just like you have a right to your opinion...a poster that says i dont do crazy has written here. she does have a right to feel that there is a lack of understanding because its obvious there is and there always will be........this thread serves her purpose not yours..so it is exactly 100 per cent purpose not zero..its not about you or anyone else who replies ....she can ask for validation if she wants.....i am just one poster who can try to give it..as well as other posters whop know what she is writing about..

 

 

she isnt fishing...she is just asking..........deb

[maysj18]

Depending on the person, I view cutting the same way I do drug addiction or even an eating disorder. It's an unhealthy, dangerous, and destructive coping mechanism. It really shows just how miserable someone is and how far they will go to escape that feeling. Overtime it becomes an obsession.

 

With that being said, I have met very few legitimate cutters. Cutting is so romanticized these days, especially in the younger generations, that I can't help but roll my eyes when someone says they actively cut. This is mostly because someone who practices self-destruction is usually the last person to admit it so why are they telling complete strangers? Unless they're reaching out for help, it seems as though they are wanting to be a victim and that's an absolute deal breaker.

 

Now, scars are a different story. It could be something that happened 10 years ago and it's over and done with. It was a bad time maybe and you learned from it through therapy and whatever else. Cool beans, conversation over. This isn't first date information, though. Not even information I'd give for a LONG time. It's also okay to never say anything if it's truly in the past. I think some battles aren't meant to be shared.

 

It does strike me though that you're post is suggesting this is all pretty recent- like within a year or so. I may be wrong and if I am, I apologize. Just in case I'm right though, a year is not a long enough time to heal and TRULY learn from an experience like that. No other way to cope but cutting? While that's sad and I'm not blaming you per say, if it was recent then I doubt this issue is resolved. Simply moving isn't going to cut it because one day you're going to have to deal with another horrible situation that you won't be able to run away from. You need to develop coping skills to deal with the here and now, whatever they may be. I suggest therapy! It can really make a difference.

Edited October 30, 2014 by maysj18

[Diezel]

and i guess its wrong for op to want to feel validated to date with scars isnt it.........she gets to see both sides she has a right to feel judged..just like you have a right to your opinion...a poster that says i dont do crazy has written here. she does have a right to feel that there is a lack of understanding because its obvious there is and there always will be........this thread serves her purpose not yours..so it is exactly 100 per cent purpose not zero..its not about you or anyone else who replies ....she can ask for validation if she wants.....i am just one poster who can try to give it..as well as other posters whop know what she is writing about..

 

 

she isnt fishing...she is just asking..........deb

 

That's not the point.

 

The point of this thread should be to gauge people's honest opinions about the situation and see how they feel about it.

 

This thread shouldn't be for this:

 

(1) Any person who would go out with the kind of person who still does the thing I do - They are good people

(2) Any person who wouldn't go out with the kind of person who still does the thing I do - They don't understand, are bad people, demonize, demonize, demonize

 

So why would anyone offering a "NO" to the question she is asking, if there is no literal reason to want to offer an opinion? She isn't gauging anything.

 

It IS about me. She's asking OTHER people a question. If I give her MY opinion on it and then am told I am wrong for having an opinion, how is this JUST about her?

 

Let's say I make a thread asking whether women like men who are naturally bald. Women start posting that they don't like men with bald hair and that they would rather a man with a full head of hair. Imagine if I started responding negatively to all those women saying that they are superficial or judgmental, etc, etc, etc... that thread is not an open forum for ideas and opinions.

 

 

It does strike me though that you're post is suggesting this is all pretty recent- like within a year or so. I may be wrong and if I am, I apologize. Just in case I'm right though, a year is not a long enough time to heal and TRULY learn from an experience like that. No other way to cope but cutting? While that's sad and I'm not blaming you per say, if it was recent then I doubt this issue is resolved. Simply moving isn't going to cut it because one day you're going to have to deal with another horrible situation that you won't be able to run away from. You need to develop coping skills to deal with the here and now, whatever they may be. I suggest therapy! It can really make a difference.

 

@maysj18: OP admitted in another post to cutting herself as recently as within the last two weeks.

[Georgia2014]

That's not the point.

 

The point of this thread should be to gauge people's honest opinions about the situation and see how they feel about it.

 

This thread shouldn't be for this:

 

(1) Any person who would go out with the kind of person who still does the thing I do - They are good people

(2) Any person who wouldn't go out with the kind of person who still does the thing I do - They don't understand, are bad people, demonize, demonize, demonize

 

So why would anyone offering a "NO" to the question she is asking, if there is no literal reason to want to offer an opinion? She isn't gauging anything.

 

It IS about me. She's asking OTHER people a question. If I give her MY opinion on it and then am told I am wrong for having an opinion, how is this JUST about her?

 

Let's say I make a thread asking whether women like men who are naturally bald. Women start posting that they don't like men with bald hair and that they would rather a man with a full head of hair. Imagine if I started responding negatively to all those women saying that they are superficial or judgmental, etc, etc, etc... that thread is not an open forum for ideas and opinions.

 

 

 

 

@maysj18: OP admitted in another post to cutting herself as recently as within the last two weeks.

 

That was when I lived with my parents. When I lived with them when my mom would be hateful I would want to cut myself. We got into a fight after I moved and for the first time in a long time I didn't feel like cutting myself. It does help living in a different city than her. Even my own mom hasn't mentioned the scars on my wrists. She is the type that would mention it if she saw them. So I know even she hasn't seen them. She would mention it by asking what happened but she hasn't.

[gaius]

There's actually a long tradition of performing self harm as penance in many religious circles. It's not a tradition that came out of nowhere either. A lot of people find great comfort in punishing themselves over dealing with guilt or failure. It's not as unhealthy as it's made out to be nowadays.

[todreaminblue]

That's not the point.

 

The point of this thread should be to gauge people's honest opinions about the situation and see how they feel about it.

 

This thread shouldn't be for this:

 

(1) Any person who would go out with the kind of person who still does the thing I do - They are good people

(2) Any person who wouldn't go out with the kind of person who still does the thing I do - They don't understand, are bad people, demonize, demonize, demonize

 

So why would anyone offering a "NO" to the question she is asking, if there is no literal reason to want to offer an opinion? She isn't gauging anything.

 

It IS about me. She's asking OTHER people a question. If I give her MY opinion on it and then am told I am wrong for having an opinion, how is this JUST about her?

 

Let's say I make a thread asking whether women like men who are naturally bald. Women start posting that they don't like men with bald hair and that they would rather a man with a full head of hair. Imagine if I started responding negatively to all those women saying that they are superficial or judgmental, etc, etc, etc... that thread is not an open forum for ideas and opinions.

 

 

 

 

@maysj18: OP admitted in another post to cutting herself as recently as within the last two weeks.

 

theres nothing wrong with saying no...adding that you dont do crazy as one poster said isnt beneficial and is a negative connotation to the op...its judgmental and actually wrong.....no demonization to be had..... just inappropriate to write and provides no help unless ridicule is beneficial to people hurting.....which is never.....

 

put it this way.......if someone came across a person who had a gaping wound on their arm...and they requested help....would you look at it and go that looks too difficult to deal with ugh yuck..... ...how did it happen you enquire......the person explains ...i cut too deep and i couldnt stop...would you back away and say i dont do crazy stand there and ridicule say ...pfft you think anyoen wants to help you out.....no olots of peopel dont handle crazy...or would you say hey i cant deal with this i dont have the knowledge on what to say or what to do but there is someone who can...theres ways of putting things and ways to not....having a bit of social intelligence goes along way in the healing and helping of others....its crazy that rational normal so called people dont use social intelligence..........you dont make people with sadness or people in pain feel less than what they already do...and or people who have issues...you dont attack people period and label them......and sometimes it is really hard when i see ignorant responses not to go on the attack because it puts me in defense mode.......ignorance is killer.....its not me judging...its me defending.....there is a difference between demonizing and defending...two different ball parks...labels of crazy are polarizing in a negative way

 

 

the poster might have cut two weeks ago.......but....she also is asking about faded scars not recent ones......thats in the opening post..

 

am i sensitive to this subject...overly probably.....makes em empathic and abel to udnerstand where the op is coming from.....in other words.......i think crazy is actually normal ..a lot of people understand crazy normal.......i dont understand plain normal...which is ridicule.....ridicule to me is ignorance..deb

Edited October 30, 2014 by todreaminblue

[Phoe]

Wanted to add from my previous post.

 

I did it when I was 12, but I hid it.

 

I didn't want anyone to see the cuts, or know about them. If people asked what it was, I'd make up stories about cats, or stray splinters in a fence, whatever...

 

It wasn't until a few years ago that I started being honest when people asked. I'd say "yes, it's what you think it is, and I did it when I was 12. It's in the past and I'm fine now. I was a child then, im an adult now."

[SycamoreCircle]

Nope. Sorry OP. I dated a cutter for 6 months. We still keep in touch from time to time and I think she's better now but dating her was pure hell.

 

She apologized to me a year after our break up. "I'm sorry. I was crazy. I have to tell you the whole time we were together I wasn't sober."

 

That really threw me for a loop.

 

She would even cut herself when things were "good" in the relationship.

 

Never again.

[preraph]

Mental issues are only temporary a lot of the time though.

 

Work through your baggage before you bring it into a new relationship. Otherwise this new relationship will end very similarly to the way that the last one ended.

 

I'd put money on it.

 

I agree. It will happen once there is stress you can't cope with.

 

I know a cutter. I know two things that contributed. One was her father kind of checked out early due to brain injury and went on a downward spiral. The other is that she felt she couldn't express herself without being contradicted by her mother. You can imagine that not being allowed to have a negative thought while your father goes haywire and abandons the family would be stifling.

 

I am friends with her mother. I feel like cutting myself sometimes because she will try to put a positive spin on literally anything anyone says. (Instead I reamed her about it finally and she reined it in some.) Anyway, her daughter had a pretty good period of a few months until she went away to college. Her daughter was an honors student, but not overly social and was discovering she was a lesbian, and then at university she hit the wall with her studies, finding university much more challenging and no trophies being handed out gratuitously. She started cutting again, quit college, and moved in with a girlfriend for awhile and leveled out, then went through another crisis when the romance ended. She's found solace and self-esteem in a menial job she had and being on her own and has now gone back to college.

 

The point is, it's not just one thing that will trigger it. That's just the thing that's triggered it so far. You need to unravel what led you to this way of coping with things and do therapy and behavioral therapy or whatever else a therapist recommends to get your coping techniques back to normal.

[todreaminblue]

There's actually a long tradition of performing self harm as penance in many religious circles. It's not a tradition that came out of nowhere either. A lot of people find great comfort in punishing themselves over dealing with guilt or failure. It's not as unhealthy as it's made out to be nowadays.

 

 

i think that a more unhealthy way would be hurting others....cutting though is self mutilation......and mutilating anything or anyone including yourself for religious reasons or otherwise is not the best option.......deb

[Art_Critic]

When I was single... and I noticed them, could not tell if they were new or old then sure...

 

I of course would ask about them when given the appropriate time/circumstance and listen for if the issues that lead to the cutting were being worked on and being treated.

 

I did go through a period in dating of about 6-8 months where I didn't date anybody who was on anti-depressants, but that was related to how bad my divorce went as my Exw was ill...once I processed out the marriage/divorce I no longer felt that boundary was needed.