Hair loss problem with girl

[Dale]

So I've got a problem that has been destroying me for a few years now and I'm at the point where I need to face up to it but don't quite know how.

 

Long story short, I broke up with my 2 year gf about a year ago, went thru an abysmal depression and felt like the most hideous creature on earth, found someone who I became good friends with for about seven months now, am in love with and have been kind of "seeing" for a bit after we shared our feelings for eachother (she is going thru a breakup with her boyfriend, not because of me).

 

I am 20 yrs old, go to a small college in Vermont, and have sort of come to terms with how I look, but generally see past aesthetic qualities in others. My problem is that I've been losing my hair for about three years now, and although I have been using medical treatment for it, it's still pretty terrible (I have like a kinky Jewish fro with very noticaeble balding in front.

 

Sometimes it can look alright but others it looks genuinely frightening, and the worst part is I wear a beanie hat all the time or I feel naked. The one time she slept over I kept it on and she didn't say anything. She is someone who is not focused on physical appearance but, while knowing I should just get it over with (eventually I'll have to when it gets warm), I know she'll be far less attracted to me, and I am already quite insecure with the hat on.

 

Aside from the excpetcted attacks on my vanity or cowardice for this concern, does anyone have any suggestions for how to break this to her? I look really friggin unnatural with a shaved head, and know that she doesn't like the tough guy look (nor do I), but I fear her reaction only because I know how bad it has gotten, and that at such a young age hair loss is hard for any girl to look past and still feel "romantically". Thanks.

[moimeme]

know she'll be far less attracted to me, and I am already quite insecure with the hat on.

 

I know how bad it has gotten, and that at such a young age hair loss is hard for any girl to look past and still feel "romantically".

 

Oh you know these things do you? And how, exactly do you 'know' them? You aren't giving her very much credit at all. If she cares about you, she will care about you hairless too.

 

I'm starting to think all this focus on looks is a sickness. We don't love people because of their looks. We love the people because of themselves. Take the stupid hat off and fergawdsakes don't wear it to bed. She might ditch you if she thinks you're a complete wierdo and some guy wearing hats to bed would qualify as that.

 

In fact, when guys lose their hair, the focus goes to their eyes, which often makes them even more attractive. So get over this (with a counsellor if you must), make sure you get a hair stylist who does a good job with what you've got, and go out proudly.

[Mr Spock]

I feel for you. It's hard enough to lose your hair but to have an unattractive balding pattern is TOUGH!!!

 

My only suggestion is to shave your head. I know a few guys who have started to go bald-they just shave it all off. I actually would rather a guy just shave his whole head than try and hang on to what he's got left.

[Craig]

Originally posted by Dale

I wear a beanie hat all the time or I feel naked. The one time she slept over I kept it on and she didn't say anything. She is someone who is not focused on physical appearance but, while knowing I should just get it over with (eventually I'll have to when it gets warm), I know she'll be far less attracted to me, and I am already quite insecure with the hat on.

Dale she already knows you are balding. She already knows that you are insecure about balding. You already have her answer regarding her attraction to you because she is with you.

 

Talk with her about your insecurities and then get rid of the beanie. Be yourself--which is all she probably ever wanted from you in the first place.

[Dale]

To put it briefly you are all on the ball, and I genuinely thank you for your advice and support. The thing is I have definitely looked at this thing from all sides and understand what need to be done, it's just so hard to make the jump after waiting too long. I'm quite positive that if I broke it to her and showed her my balding, matted down, golem like hair (at least at this point) she will not run away screaming and never talk to me again, but I think there is some thing in the back of our mind that triggers when we are misled and then dissapointed by someone physically and it changes are natural drive towards them, at least sexually, even if we can outwardly look past it.

 

I think the reason this long running problem destroys me so much now is that for a year I hadn't met anyone and now that I have met this unmentionably amazing girl (her looking past the physical being only one of many incredible traits) I don't want to lose it. The situation as it stands is that she is not "With" me, but still living with her boyfriend two houses down from me, due to both of them sharing the apartment but stuck for another place to go.

 

She has broken up with him and is not playing games with either of us, she is not happy with him and basically wants to be friends with him outside of a relationship but he hasn't really accepted anything. You can see how difficult this "I love you but the conditions are making it impossible right now to really be together" relationship is making both of us kind of crazy and confused, but generally things have calmed down (the fact that her boyfriend has a full head of long hair and is ridiculously attractive makes the wishy washyness of everything hard too, insecurity wise).

 

I have known the entire time that there could always be a possiblity of things working out with them again (they were happy for 3 years before) and she admitted that honestly to me. I hate to use one dimensional, aesthetic language because I'm quite aware that good love is blind love, personally I just feel that being attracted to someone in your own way in the beginning is somewhat important, and wether she is perceptive enough to automatically assume I might be balding under my cap is irrelevant because she hasn't seen it yet.

 

It just makes this up and down fragile situation hard when I know it could be fine if I wasn't dreading the worst case senario of where this is heading going to "let's just be friends" and feeling like she is just trying to be nice for the next four months because of lack of attraction. Argh, life. Thanks for the replies though.