Suddenly feel very worthless, is this all my fault?

[Dear Lady Disdain]

Hi there, I'm writing in because I've had a bit of a breakdown over the last few days over an event, another rejection I guess...it's like when it happened, it felt so painful that I could no longer be in denial and suppress all the feelings of pain I've got

Guess I should try to briefly explain...I've known the person who I've become involved with for about nine months now. It is still unclear what we are, we seem to be more than friends but we haven't had that talk yet

 

Anyway story in brief is this...first met him when he started to hang around with me and my older friend, wasn't attracted to him and didn't think he was to me. Fast forward to a night we ended up having a drink together - our mutual friend didn't turn up so it ended up just being me and him and the evening was really nice but I still didn't feel attracted. One odd thing then was that I noticed him glaring at me at the end of the evening and I didn't really know why...anyway then he started to text a lot about his problems and how lonely he was and I tried to help and be kind back. When I wasn't and I couldn't call I noticed he would " punish " me by ignoring me and even texting about another woman he was " obsessed " with which upset me actually but continued to be in touch

 

Then he asked me out for another drink and kissed me on both cheeks and offered to buy the drinks and the night started off nice but he became more moody towards the end of the evening as if he didn't want to be there with me at all. I guessed afterwards it was because I bought my own drink and stuff and I didn't realise it was a date because he told me about this other woman he was attracted to and everything. The next time we met up he was in a foul mood and really horrible towards me when we met up which shocked me and I walked away from him

 

We didn't speak for five weeks. Then he contacted me and came back into my life and for the last two months he has more or less kept me dangling on a string. At first he complimented me a little, he was nice when we met in a group setting, then eventually hinted he was going somewhere and said I could come if I wanted. So I took the bait and I went...we had a lovely evening and then after that evening he acted moody again about a text I sent him. I said though that I'd like to go out again and he said he'd be delighted if we did but nothing materialised. Said we could play some pool together after he had ignored me for a week then phoned me saying he was worried I'd reject him and abandon him. He said he could play pool that evening with me but I was unfortunately busy and said I'd like to next weekend. He never contacted me about it or mentioned it then. He kept saying he'd ring me, I'd say I'd be in and wait then he would text and say he couldn't speak after all and postpone it. He stopped talking about other women but said he was busy all of the time.

 

Apart from once when I didn't return a call right away and he told me that he had confessed to having feelings for a woman she knew and she had turned him down which really upset him

 

So he stopped giving me any of his time really but at the same time when we met he would save a seat for me and give me his undivided attention, make eye contact, hug me, say how he loved talking to me...

 

And then the last straw came this week when we had a really lovely phone conversation late at night for an hour and wished eachother good night and stuff and he said he'd be at a group we attend ( a branch some distance away though ) this week and I said I could also go and I'd be there. When I got there he hadn't bothered to come and didn't give an explanation. Previously at least when he couldn't come somewhere he would explain to me

 

All of this has made me feel really worthless, that just seemed like the last straw. I don't think he's just trying to get rid of me or give me the brush off as he takes offence if I don't contact him and tells me his problems all the time. He has never treated me casually as if I am just a friend. I was hurt by him saying he would be there this week and then not bothering to turn up, I feel as if he hurts me on purpose...

 

Could write more but this is pretty long already...please help thanks! It's reached a point where I just cannot trust him to ever phone him or text him, I feel totally powerless, it seems too humiliating to do anything else now yet I still want him to contact me. It's even affecting my work and my colleagues have been asking what's wrong

 

He talks about other people and how they've disrespected him or how he's had heart to heart talks with them yet he never does it with me and all the things other people do to him supposedly he is doing to me, he contacts me to keep me in his life but it seems like such a long series of abandonments and rejections now that I do feel worthless and in a way, I don't think I want contact any longer but at the same time I do

 

When we do meet or speak we get on like a house on fire, even other people have commented upon it, I just don't know why he keeps coming back into my life only to reject me or hurt me after he's been nice to me. It's very painful. And he says stuff like, I'm not going to rescue you and he makes it clear he won't travel at all to see me or anything. Decided to try not to be involved anymore, it just seemed like a final insult, almost as though I was stood up by him this week

 

I care about him so much, I adore him and I think he knows it...normally I don't even act bothered by what he does but for some reason, this time I am and it's as if I've had to face up to the truth of the situation and I can no longer pretend I'm not bothered by it or continue with it...all this and we're not even properly together, we never even had that talk and what hurts me is that he told me he had that talk with another woman as well

 

I just feel worth nothing though I get a lot of attention from men and he knows it

 

He also drops hints and he is indirect and when I don't take the bait he is annoyed, he seems to just want me to run around and chase him but I've never done that, I don't want to lose my dignity

 

Help appreciated, thanks X

Edited October 30, 2014 by Dear Lady Disdain

[spiderowl]

The guy sounds obnoxious. He is manipulating you. He probably is punishing you - punishment is one form of control as is being sweet occasionally - it all keeps you off balance and wondering what to do.

 

I know the guy is probably sweet at times, but the rest of the time he is unpleasant, abusive and disrespects you. He drops hints to draw you in and then slaps you back. He is an ace manipulator of emotions. This is very unhealthy for you.

 

How do you feel deep down? In turmoil? Upset? Disrespected? Worthless? What decent guy would generate those kinds of feelings in a woman he cared about? None!

 

Take control back from him and cut the guy off. He can't use the push/pull tactics if you refuse to engage with him. Let him go tell someone else of his worries and who he likes/does not like. He sounds mean, moody, and downright nasty. You deserve much better and you won't get it by accepting a guy like him as your baseline for relationships.

[Dear Lady Disdain]

Thanks Spiderowl for your reply...I know something is up because this week it all seemed to hit me and I started to feel so worthless and so paranoid, I felt as if I could hardly look people in the eye

The first time around that I knew him, before we fell out before and didn't speak for five weeks, he wasn't as bad as this...but when he came back all of this stuff started. It began with him ignoring me then sending texts saying he'd like to " catch up " and when I took the bait, he'd say he was busy but we could catch up by phone. And he sent me these texts and left me voicemails about other people who had disrespected him and made him angry and how he had a wish to humiliate them. One of them said " he had a wish to humiliate somebody to prove he was right and maybe he should let the good part of himself die and just do it "

 

All this stuff made me fear him more and he'd tell me about how people let him down or avoided him which made me feel sorry for him. I started to think that he had BPD as he said he had been hospitalised before and stuff

 

I actually feel afraid of him and when I've been to meetings I know he'll be at before, my legs are trembling and I feel frightened. But despite all of this I don't know what's wrong with me as I feel a pull towards him, to have him in my life.

 

I feel powerless and stuck. We haven't even had all that much contact, maybe twice a week or once a week but I feel like he has a hold over me. I've started to adapt my behaviour to make him " pleased " with me as well.

 

I am afraid this must sound really sick and unhealthy...I could cut off contact with him but I feel afraid to do so, if he asks me why I don't know what explanation I could give, I feel trapped in it

 

One part of my mind says to just go tomorrow to the meeting where he is likely to be and smile and act nice as if nothing happened, then this problem will be over with. He'll still be in my life. Another part of me is questioning though why I want somebody in my life who frequently makes me cry / get angry and breaks promises and also uses me to listen to his problems

 

I think he's been thriving in his life since he realised he had me beneath him, where he wanted me, when we first met I wasn't really into him that much and I was pretty much indifferent. When he came back I blamed myself for what had happened and thought I wasn't nice / appreciative enough so since he came back I've been compliant and nice to him but he is treating me worse

 

I could try to get my power back by going no contact...maybe then I'll be able to see things more clearly. Yeah I think I'm being manipulated, he's become the focal point in my life, I put him on a big pedestal for too long...I remember after we went out, wanting to go out again and asking, he expressed interest saying he'd like to but never did anything about it so that eventually I said to him " I'd like to go out with you again if you don't mind..." and just thinking about that statement makes me realise how low down he has made me feel. That I would beg for his company, I am quite attractive for my age and meet men a lot. I don't quite know what is happening here...he said he'd be delighted if I came with him again but he has done nothing about it, instead he has distanced himself. And after we finally spoke and he was nice to me he has broken a promise again and let me down, it's just quite scary how this has become now. I feel as though my mind has been warped and I have put him miles above me, it never used to be like this

 

It seems to have reached a point now where I think everything I ever do will be wrong...even when I'm nice it's wrong and this has rendered me feeling passive and powerless

 

I've only been with him since he came back for about two months and it's quite scary that I am already feeling like this

 

I come from a background of abuse and I am currently seeing a therapist, perhaps that's how I got sucked into this

Edited October 31, 2014 by Dear Lady Disdain

[spiderowl]

I am sorry to hear how you are feeling. Your feelings are telling you what this guy is doing to you. I can sympathise with the bit where you mention listening to him talk. I used to do that, listen to guys, and I know I was supporting them by doing that, but recently I have just wondered why I bother. It might be selfish but I ask myself 'what am I getting out of this'? Honestly, I don't know, but it stopped being interesting when I felt they didn't care about my feelings, only whether I was supporting them.

 

That aside, If someone messes you about and lets you down, it does cause anxiety and uncertainty. The important thing is how you react to that. If you assume you have work harder to please him because he makes you feel anxious and uncertain, then you will get further drawn into a relationship that is not making you happy at all. You could decide that you don't want to feel like that, that he is associated with this feeling, and that you could drop him.

 

If you had to list the things he does that make you feel anxious and low, what would you say they were? What are the things that make you feel good?

[avintagegirl]

1. You, my dear, are worth more than this man has to offer you. Bottom line.

 

2. You are not responsible for his feelings. The man is grown, if he feels a certain way and cannot communicate it well, its on HIM, not you. You are not responsible for his loneliness.

 

In terms of this on again off again bit - who does he think he is that he can waltz in more than a month later and try and get under your skin?

 

I will say it does bother me that he is so manipulative. This running hot and cold nonsense is for the birds. You, lady, are no faucet to be turned on and off at his will.

 

If this were me, he would be getting the following words, or something similar, either in a phone conversation or email:

 

Dear ______

 

I just wanted to say that I've been thinking about our friendship and I think its is for the best to say goodbye. I know you may be upset by this, but it is best. I feel that you only want me around when you want to have me around and I deserve more than that. I deserve more than someone who is moody if I don't play your bait and wait game. I am not a fish, I don't need to be baited.

 

I need respect and that is not something you show me. You talk about how people have let you down, but you let me down when you treat me like I am not worth the respect you would give a stranger.

 

I wish you success and happiness in your life and I don't think that those are things I currently bring to your life and your actions aren't bringing it into mine.

 

Take care,

LD

[Dear Lady Disdain]

Thanks so much to both of you ladies for your validation...

This has been hard, still got some pain and some rage coming up, I was in denial for so long but decided to try to move on from this, I think he actually went out of his way to make me feel worthless on purpose, some examples...

 

1) Phoned me up and when I didn't call back right away kept me hanging for four days and when he did call said he didn't call because he was getting over another woman turning him down whom he had feelings for

2) Would sometimes end the phone call because he said he'd promised he'd phone somebody else or he didn't ring and texted and said he'd just had a long phone call with someone else and was unable to phone up me

3) Teased and belittled a bit, keeps on reiterating that where I live is too far for him to travel to to see me at all

4) When we were anywhere would always talk to any other woman in the room before he spoke to me

5) Told me about a girl who he didn't like in his class because she was angry and said something insulting but also said to me as well that he " admired " her

6) Says he would like to go out with me and do something fun but never keeps the promise

7) Always appears and acts all nice to me and then he disappears

8) Looked at me as if I was stupid sometimes and he didn't want to hear what I had to say

9) When we were out and he was sitting at the table with me and my friend he would move to the other table to speak to other people instead

10) Said " I'm not going to rescue you!" then said only joking

11) Says that he's lonely/ bored but doesn't ask to spend the time hanging out with me

12) Wants me to always make him feel better / cheer him up / do things for him, doesn't remember much I've ever said

 

So yeah and this is just some of the stuff, what I do like about him is he can be sweet at times yes and he's very intelligent and we share the same sense of humour, I just think he's a fool really because the chemistry between us is electric and even other people have commented upon it

 

Feeling less worthless now after three days no contact but still have a sense of inferiority to other women and this distrust and paranoia of people and anger, I really loved your letter vintagegurl thanks and I'm so grateful for your responses, this is all so confusing for me, above is only half of the things he's actually done

 

The really insulting and painful part for me is him complaining about people hurting, abandoning and rejecting him and how bothered he is by it, but he doesn't think twice of doing it to me whenever he pleases - and I have always been so nice to him

 

I feel victimised, I think he has done this on purpose and it's affected me quite severely making me feel paranoid, when he called me and he was really nice it's the only time he has ever been that nice to me and then for him to just let me down after that ( saying he'd be somewhere to meet me and not turning up even though it was a group thing ) makes me think he planned it and did it on purpose to me and I have no idea why...

 

He knows very well how much I like him and I think he hurt me because he knew he could...I don't think I want to know him anymore, I think I need to erase him from my life...it seems to have shaken my trust in people though in my mind it sounds ridiculous for me to be feeling this way as I've only known him for about seven months, there are people who have been married to people like this for years who don't seem this affected, I guess it's because of my background or something or maybe the behaviours have been extra contemptuous, I don't know...

 

Thanks again, DLD X X

Edited November 1, 2014 by Dear Lady Disdain