sunburned Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 It was too late to edit my original post, but here it is: EDIT: While I was working on my reply, your new post came in referencing his insecurity, lies (about a vasectomy!!) and the territorial hickeys he would leave on your neck (he sounds like he's in HS, not his 30s). As Anika said, this is about manipulation and control -- not love. I'm sorry you are dealing with this, OP. Take your daughter and run from this guy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author prettyeyes87 Posted October 30, 2014 Author Share Posted October 30, 2014 Yes he is manipulative. It's really crazy how I am tempted to say "but he really is a nice guy". But I know he is not, he just pretended to be. During the whole thing I would only let him get so close and kept telling him I didn't want more and that he needed to be divorced. He kept asking me if I would wait for him and I wouldn't answer him but in my mind i was thinking hell no. But then towards the end he tried to make it seem like I wanted more, i told him everything he said and did that I kept him at bay this whole time. I told him that he was acting like that wanting to be my boyfriend and that I never said i wanted him in that way. I told him he was just trying to use me as an ego boost and that he lied about everything and he stepped towards me agressively (at least i felt the need to step back) and got really upset that I called him a liar. He does alot of get back games as well. Like if i do something, he'll do it back. He is very childish. Link to post Share on other sites
Author prettyeyes87 Posted October 30, 2014 Author Share Posted October 30, 2014 My sister also says she thinks it was obession and not like or love... Link to post Share on other sites
snappytomcat Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 Thank you! and I am so sorry for what you went through! This is why I am here. I know all this in my mind but you have no idea how much it helps to hear someone else's thoughts. Do you think he is trying to lead me into an affair? yes i do think hes trying to lead you into a physical affair,its not hard to see what his intentions are Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 He would beg me to let him come see me, to let him to take me out on dates. He told me how every morning when he got up, he would go look at my Facebook picture because he wished he could wake up to me. It scared me how he seemed to fall for me via text and phone conversations and brief meetings on my lunch break. Shortly after leaving the doctor’s office he texts me telling me I am still so beautiful to him. Over the next couple weeks, we chat randomly on Facebook and then out of nowhere he starts seeming really down, making sad statuses on Facebook. I tell him if he needs anything I am here for him. He tells me things have been rough for about a week or so. Then our conversations start turning to why I stopped being his friend and cut him off, I explained that I always cared about him as a friend and I didn’t mean to cut him off. After this he becomes very clingy, texting me nonstop, driving 30-40 mins from where he lived just to come see me every day on my lunch break for 30 mins. I would barely let him hug or kiss me for weeks, but he continued to beg to see me (this is just how he acted the first time around). He kept pursuing and putting pressure on me. He made me feel guilty by saying that I broke his heart back then. “How do you know that I didn’t get married because I couldn’t be with you? I had no choice but to move on”. He told me I was the most beautiful woman to him (he told me this back then too), that I was so special to him. He told me that he was falling for me. The above words are very typical of a player or a MM. They lay it on thick, because it makes you feel really special and fosters an emotional connection. He knew what to say to have an impact on you, and it worked. Then he told me he also wanted to tell me that he cheated on his wife 18 days before their wedding. He told her and I guess she still decided to get married (they didn’t separate or go to counseling). He said that all the men in his family are divorced or have been due to cheating. This guy admits to you that he is a cheater and his whole family are cheaters! And you still think his character is good and want to be his friend? I'm sorry he has taken you on this ride, but you hopped right on the roller coaster with him. Just like his actions didn't match his words, yours didn't either. I stated to him that I do not date married men. I did hang out with him and watch movies. Of course this led to make out sessions and hugging. We started messing around (NO sexual intercourse) and I liked him a lot. We continued to see each other and hang out. I unfriended him on Facebook and that upset him. I then refriended him and accepted quickly. I told him I will not text him anymore and leave him alone He told me I will always know how to get in contact with him but I am not sure if I should anymore. You consistently go back on what you say, so he knows that all he has to do is be persistent and say the right things and you will be back. Do I think he cared about you? I think he has a lot of issues and is a very selfish man. I think you should not value this man's attention and care. I think he is not a good friend to you and does not have your best interests at heart. You should avoid people like him, as they just complicate your life and hurt you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author prettyeyes87 Posted October 30, 2014 Author Share Posted October 30, 2014 yes i do think hes trying to lead you into a physical affair,its not hard to see what his intentions are I thought he was trying to be honest with me about working on his marriage but then he keeps trying to keep the doors of commnuication open everytime I try to close them. Everytime I tell him I don't want to be friends he kinda freaks out and doesn't let me end the "friendship". Link to post Share on other sites
snappytomcat Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 I thought he was trying to be honest with me about working on his marriage but then he keeps trying to keep the doors of commnuication open everytime I try to close them. Everytime I tell him I don't want to be friends he kinda freaks out and doesn't let me end the "friendship". you already told him you don't want to be friends leave it at that,anytime you respond even to say leave me alone that's an invite for him,ignoring him and go nc is the best thing to do,be strong,hes bad news,dont let him in anymore you owe him nothing 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 I thought he was trying to be honest with me about working on his marriage but then he keeps trying to keep the doors of commnuication open everytime I try to close them. Everytime I tell him I don't want to be friends he kinda freaks out and doesn't let me end the "friendship". He doesn't "let you end the friendship"? Thing is, you don't need his permission to end this unhealthy friendship. YOU have the power to end it. You let him back in. That's on you. Block him delete him. If he doesn't respect that, get a restraining order. You do have the power, you just give it to him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author prettyeyes87 Posted October 30, 2014 Author Share Posted October 30, 2014 you already told him you don't want to be friends leave it at that,anytime you respond even to say leave me alone that's an invite for him,ignoring him and go nc is the best thing to do,be strong,hes bad news,dont let him in anymore you owe him nothing Thank you. I guess I was trying to understand how he is trying to start an affair with me if he is pushing me away by stating he is working on his marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
snappytomcat Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 Thank you. I guess I was trying to understand how he is trying to start an affair with me if he is pushing me away by stating he is working on his marriage. hes like a lot of mm,just do some reading on here,they are alsmost all the same,but yours has a little added extra creep in him,one day they wanna be with ow and are happy then next they feel guilty and realize they love their wife and want to work on marriage,and well its just a cycle its like they run hot cold,it doesn't matter that's his and her problem,i hope you listen to all the advice given here,most have been through it 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author prettyeyes87 Posted October 30, 2014 Author Share Posted October 30, 2014 hes like a lot of mm,just do some reading on here,they are alsmost all the same,but yours has a little added extra creep in him,one day they wanna be with ow and are happy then next they feel guilty and realize they love their wife and want to work on marriage,and well its just a cycle its like they run hot cold,it doesn't matter that's his and her problem,i hope you listen to all the advice given here,most have been through it Yes you are right and this is exactly why I came here. I knew there would be people who already went through this years before my little happy self did. You are right about the hot/cold. Each time I talk to him he always makes a point to say that he isn't sure if it will work or that he isn't decided or happy. He knows where I stand and that I do not want more but I think he is trying to manipulate me into hanging around. Link to post Share on other sites
Author prettyeyes87 Posted October 30, 2014 Author Share Posted October 30, 2014 I do also want to say that I know I said I do not date married men and it looks like I did and I know I also said that he first told me about his separation that he was not thinking about divorce yet but as we started to talk again he than began saying he wished he could be with me and blah blah blah, he wanted to hit the lotto so he could give her half and be done with the marriage yada yada. He started talking about divorce and wanting me to be his second wife. So I do want to say that he did start talking about divorce before we got deeper so I know it's still all bad but I thought I would mention that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author prettyeyes87 Posted October 30, 2014 Author Share Posted October 30, 2014 and also sorry this is so much but this is why I needed somewhere to get it all out. I am also worried that I may gave off certain vibes that made him feel he could control/ manipulate me. I guess one would be how indecisive I can be at times and how i go back and forth. Another is I confided in him that my ex (the only relationship I have ever been in btw since i was 18) was also very controlling towards me and slightly abusive. he seemed very upset, calling my ex by all kind of names, saying he needed to get beat up. Then the age difference, he would always point out that i was younger than him. he also seem very intrigued to find out my ex is the same age as him (he assumed he was my age). I am very quiet and shy, when people meet me they seem to want to take care of or defend me. I am not weak person but people assume so. I want to be able to recognize these types of men... Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 This guy is a wack job, and you are allowing him to take up far too much mental energy. Only thoughts you should be having is "BYE BYE, time to kick rocks" Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 Yes you are right and this is exactly why I came here. I knew there would be people who already went through this years before my little happy self did. You are right about the hot/cold. Each time I talk to him he always makes a point to say that he isn't sure if it will work or that he isn't decided or happy. He knows where I stand and that I do not want more but I think he is trying to manipulate me into hanging around. What do you want? Are you trying to maintain a casual friendship with him or are you wanting to get away from him and want him to leave you alone? You know he's trying to manipulate you, don't let him! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyRock Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 For goodness sakes please talk to the wife!!!! Its the right thing to do to give her the truth. If its because you think its crazy she is stalking your page, maybe she is just desperate for the truth. Heck maybe YOU are the reason they separated! You have been in an emotional affair with him for years. Wether you want to admit it or not a secret female friend that you confide in is an affair. Sounds like this has been going on during the "good" years of the marriage. She deserves to know if this is or isn't the case. Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 I don't understand this un-friending FB juvenile behavior. How was his wife "stalking" you? By sending you friend requests? Why didn't you BLOCK her? Why haven't you blocked her now? You invited this crazy into your life .. Checking out HIS Facebook, sending him messages, Making out with him, letting him give you hickeys (again, incredibly immature behavior) and now you are wondering if he really really liked you? Who cares! He's married! Thank God you didn't involve your daughter! Smartest decision you made, in my view. Block him and his wife from contacting you. Stop contacting him. Block his cell, block him from FB (not just un-friending him cause you still stalk his FB). Let it go and chalk it up to lessons learned. And if you mean "no" when you say it, mean it. The wishy washy behavior/words only hurt you in the long run, say what you mean and mean what you say. Grow up and learn to be more sensible...you are a role model to a young daughter. Show her what a strong female looks like. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author prettyeyes87 Posted October 30, 2014 Author Share Posted October 30, 2014 For goodness sakes please talk to the wife!!!! Its the right thing to do to give her the truth. If its because you think its crazy she is stalking your page, maybe she is just desperate for the truth. Heck maybe YOU are the reason they separated! You have been in an emotional affair with him for years. Wether you want to admit it or not a secret female friend that you confide in is an affair. Sounds like this has been going on during the "good" years of the marriage. She deserves to know if this is or isn't the case. Well we have NOT been in an emotional affair for years. I went almost 4 years without speaking to him AT ALL he did not exist in my world. He tried to contact me a couple times but I never replied. I only started talking to him again in June of this year. Link to post Share on other sites
Author prettyeyes87 Posted October 30, 2014 Author Share Posted October 30, 2014 I don't understand this un-friending FB juvenile behavior. How was his wife "stalking" you? By sending you friend requests? Why didn't you BLOCK her? Why haven't you blocked her now? You invited this crazy into your life .. Checking out HIS Facebook, sending him messages, Making out with him, letting him give you hickeys (again, incredibly immature behavior) and now you are wondering if he really really liked you? Who cares! He's married! Thank God you didn't involve your daughter! Smartest decision you made, in my view. Block him and his wife from contacting you. Stop contacting him. Block his cell, block him from FB (not just un-friending him cause you still stalk his FB). Let it go and chalk it up to lessons learned. And if you mean "no" when you say it, mean it. The wishy washy behavior/words only hurt you in the long run, say what you mean and mean what you say. Grow up and learn to be more sensible...you are a role model to a young daughter. Show her what a strong female looks like. Thank you for the advice. Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyRock Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 If you hadn't talked to him that long why not tell the wife everything? If you feel you did nothing wrong set her straight. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author prettyeyes87 Posted October 31, 2014 Author Share Posted October 31, 2014 What do you want? Are you trying to maintain a casual friendship with him or are you wanting to get away from him and want him to leave you alone? You know he's trying to manipulate you, don't let him! I guess I just wanted to know if i should try to maintain a causal friendship with him. We havent hung out alone together in awhile but we keep reaching out to each other in one way or another. Currently we are talking like once a week. Link to post Share on other sites
Author prettyeyes87 Posted October 31, 2014 Author Share Posted October 31, 2014 If you hadn't talked to him that long why not tell the wife everything? If you feel you did nothing wrong set her straight. Well my sister told me that it's not place to tell her anything. That she should seek the truth from her husband...I know that everyone has different views on separation but I see it like this...if I take a break from my spouse and leave for whatever reason and then decide I want to make it work, I feel like wondering what he did while we were apart is counterproductive, if I was that worried then i shouldn't have separated from him in the first place. And honestly she thinks she wants to know what I have to say but she really doesn't... Link to post Share on other sites
Author prettyeyes87 Posted October 31, 2014 Author Share Posted October 31, 2014 are there anymore advices or opinions on my situation? Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
snappytomcat Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 no need to be nasty to the OP,like she said her family thinks shes naïve,and she young,i do think shes naïve,she came here asking for help to me that says a lot its the first step,and I truly hope she takes all the good advice she has received here seriously,and leave this douch bag alone,and block him out of her life,im old enough to be her mom so she needs a kick in the butt,but please show her some respect 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author prettyeyes87 Posted October 31, 2014 Author Share Posted October 31, 2014 no need to be nasty to the OP,like she said her family thinks shes naïve,and she young,i do think shes naïve,she came here asking for help to me that says a lot its the first step,and I truly hope she takes all the good advice she has received here seriously,and leave this douch bag alone,and block him out of her life,im old enough to be her mom so she needs a kick in the butt,but please show her some respect Thanks and I def reading over this thread, letting it all sink in. Link to post Share on other sites
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