Decisiontomake Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 Hi everyone Been separated for my husband of 20 years for 6 months now. Brief backstory - together 23 years (since I was 17 -he's 11 years older than me), two kids now 19 and 16, me feeling discontented for various reasons of what I can best class as incompatibility over the years. I had only every slept with him, but entered into an affair 2.5 years ago - which has recently finished - I moved out of the family home in May of this year - because I couldn't live that life anymore of marriage, an affair, discontentment etc. So not who I am - and yes, I know people say that all the time on their threads, but well I'm saying it anyway! I love him dearly - he is a lovely guy - but I know we are not compatible in the man and wife sense. We have been amicable throughout this whole separation, but I am finding it really hard to make the final cut so to speak in terms of moving forward to a more permanent/divorce type deal. My gut tells me one thing - to make it more permanent - and then I have all these emotional questions still in my head. I was hoping that after six months this would be a little clearer. I have "enjoyed" being on my own in terms of the peace of mind that has given me, not only for myself, but to know that I am not torturing him anymore with his doubts of my commitment to our marriage. However, I also still wonder constantly, why my marriage wasn't enough for me. Been in IC for nearly two years now - and it helps- I just feel paralyzed with indecision and I know that's not good for me or him. Any pointers/questions/comments that might help me figure this out a bit better? Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
therealmsfree Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 Let's not work backwards on this. Trying to figure out how you feel now without going back to the beginning of the story when you were 17 and fell in love with him is erroneous. It's like starting a book at Chapter 20. You would be totally lost and confused. Which explains how you feel right now. The past holds significant clues that can help you figure out the present. ~Ms. Free Link to post Share on other sites
chew123 Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 OK, I don't want to sound harsh but I am coming from the other side of the aisle. You say you love him dearly but you carried on a 2.5 year affair? Was he aware of the affair while it was going on? Because if you love someone dearly it is hard to believe that you could lie and deceive them for that amount of time. That is a strange version of love. So now the affair is over and you have no one else and you are thinking of going back. Do you and him a favor. Set yourselves free, get the divorce. He deserves to be with someone who actually loves him as a husband, not a friend. You are not doing anybody any favors by going back. And you also deserve to be with someone you love. If nothing has changed except the other man is gone why go back? My situation is somewhat similar to yours. My wife's affair is ongoing. I am going to set myself free. I suggest you do the same for your husband and yourself. Note, this is obviously just my opinion. I don't know enough about your situation to really tell you what you should do. Either way good luck making a decision. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Decisiontomake Posted October 30, 2014 Author Share Posted October 30, 2014 I'm not thinking of going back. I'm just struggling with making the separation permanent and divorcing. I do love him dearly - but as a friend not a husband. It's hard to let go of 23 years together. And I'm not frightened of being on my own so I'm not looking him to fill the void from the affair now being over. Thanks for your thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 I'm not thinking of going back. I'm just struggling with making the separation permanent and divorcing. I do love him dearly - but as a friend not a husband. It's hard to let go of 23 years together. And I'm not frightened of being on my own so I'm not looking him to fill the void from the affair now being over. Are you physically separated or living in the same house? If you do care for him as a friend, no reason you can't have him in your life on that basis. I have friends that have been divorced for 10 years that still socialize even as other romantic partners have come and gone. Do what works for you... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Decisiontomake Posted October 31, 2014 Author Share Posted October 31, 2014 I moved out of the family home in May of this year. I would hope that we could remain friends. I guess I'm just sad I/we couldn't make it work and it has reached this point. Link to post Share on other sites
chew123 Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Sounds like your mind is made up. you have mentioned a lot about your feelings in this. What are his? Does he still want to reconcile? If he does, forget the friend thing, you are holding him back and keeping him from moving on. My wife wants to remain friends with me also. We were together significantly longer than you. I think that is a fantasy and something she wants just to make her feel better for having the affair, blowing up our family,devastating me, hurting her son, etc. She also says she still loves me. I have told her, you loved me but managed to lie to my face for months while you had the affair. That is not love and no we will not be friends. We will be coparents only. Your situation may be different and like Mr. Lucky says some people do manage to remain friends. I think for me, it would be too difficult since I would probably hold on to hope for future reconciliation if she stayed in my life. Sounds to me like the divorce is just a formality for you at this point. Sign the papers and move on. Good luck on the final decision and I hope both of you get closure and move forward with your lives. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Decisiontomake Posted October 31, 2014 Author Share Posted October 31, 2014 On a certain level it does feel like my mind is made up, yes. I just need to separate the difference between being sad over the loss of the marriage, and missing someone who has been in my life for such a long time, versus whether or not that means anything else. He does want to reconcile, yes. But over the course of the six months, he's not done anything to work on/improve the elements he brings to our relationship that have been problematic for me/us. I have stayed in IC each week and tried to figure myself out and therefore what dynamic I could bring to any R. Thank you again for taking the time to post. Link to post Share on other sites
chew123 Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Does he know what the issues are? If he does and is not moving forward or putting any effort towards improving then that would be it for me. As I said before I am on the other side. I have realized many of my flaws and while they did not justify an affair I am fixing them anyway for myself and future relationships. I do go to IC, work out, and I am trying to improve myself in all aspects of my life. Sounds like that is what you are doing. My wife on the other hand seems to be just moving on to a new man without any self improvement or reflection. If she tried to come back without a period of reflection and growth I would say no even though I want to say yes. I believe reconciliation is impossible without growth from both sides. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Decisiontomake Posted October 31, 2014 Author Share Posted October 31, 2014 Sadly, yes he knows what we both needed to work on to be able to live happily as man and wife. It's kind of been the root of a lot of our problems in that he never takes action. Is the most loving and supportive man, but thinks that that is enough without addressing the tangible "real life" issues we face. I have asked him to go to IC several times - I think he needs it - and could see things from a non-biaised and trained party, but he won't. It is ultimately his apathy that made me check out of the marriage. I fought, and fought and fought for it. I guess that's what's making me stumble now - the finally giving up phase. I'm sorry for what you're going through too btw. I really am working on myself - it's a daily discipline to change patterns and behaviours etc but man I'm trying! Link to post Share on other sites
chew123 Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Sounds like you are giving him or gave him every chance. It seems like this is the way it goes. Always 1 person putting in the effort while the other either leaves or stays but doesn't do the work needed to restore the relationship. Thanks for your concern. I wish my wife had your attitude, we might have a chance then. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Is the most loving and supportive man, but thinks that that is enough without addressing the tangible "real life" issues we face. Since anybody you connect with in the future will similarly have strengths and weaknesses, why isn't being married to "the most loving and supportive man" more compelling to you ??? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Decisiontomake Posted October 31, 2014 Author Share Posted October 31, 2014 Since anybody you connect with in the future will similarly have strengths and weaknesses, why isn't being married to "the most loving and supportive man" more compelling to you ??? Mr. Lucky Gosh - I have asked myself this question many times! I'm not sure I will articulate it well, but it's kind of like the naïve view (imho) that "love conquers all" - yes, a strong love and support is important in any relationship but there are also other ways that being a partner are important - tangible ways - and that is at the root of many of our issues. It is certainly not all his doing, I have enabled the dynamics of our relationship just as much as he has, but he's not prepared to work on his side of the bargain - maybe "not prepared" is the wrong way to say it, maybe he is not capable - I'm not sure which is more accurate. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 I guess I'll just respond "be careful what you wish for". There are a lot of go-getters out there who will ultimately reveal themselves to be more style than substance. Just as you're not rushing out of this, I'd be cautious moving ahead... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Decisiontomake Posted October 31, 2014 Author Share Posted October 31, 2014 I wish for peace and happiness for both my husband and I - individually, or together. Alone or in another relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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