Drinking problem

[Stacy]

Hi, first time user. I like what I see and the honesty here is appreciated. Hopefully someone can help with my problem. I am engaged to the most wonderful woman I have ever met. Compatable in every way. The problem is that she acn't control her drinking. It's not an every day thing, but when she does she gets to where she can barely walk. She is in another state right now on business, and I have expressed to her my worries in reagards to her getting this way aroung a bunch of strangers. The bottom line, she's been hammered every night she has been there. Last night she called and had been to a strip club with about 10 guys and called me from some guys lap in a taxi. I totally trust her and don't feel threated about her screwing around, but I am concerned about her putting herself in an uncompromising position with one of her friends. She gets to the point where they could have there way with her and she would never know. When I confront her about this she states that I knew she drank when we got together, and gets angry at me because I question her. We're to be married in a month. Am I jealous? Should I just leave it alone? She worries me sick when she does this, any help would be appreciated. Thanks.

[trix]

You certainly should NOT leave it alone...you are about to commit to spending the rest of your life with this woman, & this is a serious issue if she is getting drunk to the point she doesn't know what's happening to her. I don't think you're jealous, just concerned, and you have every right to be. Is she in denial that she even has a problem? Her saying that you knew she was like this when you got together shows she either doesn't want to change, or doesn't think she needs to. You need to bring it up with her again, gently, being careful not to seem accusatory, so she won't get defensive...if she is completely unwilling to discuss the issue then you have to decide if this is a part of her you can live with, and I'd be willing to guess it's not.

Hi, first time user. I like what I see and the honesty here is appreciated. Hopefully someone can help with my problem. I am engaged to the most wonderful woman I have ever met. Compatable in every way. The problem is that she acn't control her drinking. It's not an every day thing, but when she does she gets to where she can barely walk. She is in another state right now on business, and I have expressed to her my worries in reagards to her getting this way aroung a bunch of strangers. The bottom line, she's been hammered every night she has been there. Last night she called and had been to a strip club with about 10 guys and called me from some guys lap in a taxi. I totally trust her and don't feel threated about her screwing around, but I am concerned about her putting herself in an uncompromising position with one of her friends. She gets to the point where they could have there way with her and she would never know. When I confront her about this she states that I knew she drank when we got together, and gets angry at me because I question her. We're to be married in a month. Am I jealous? Should I just leave it alone? She worries me sick when she does this, any help would be appreciated. Thanks.

[Catari]

I do not mean to scare you, but it sounds serious. Doesn't she know her limits or she ignores them. I was married to an alcoholic once and I left him, because I did not know how to deal with the problem. I am careful until today and that happened years ago. There are many sites where you can read about a drinking problem and, based on your observation of the person and on what you read, you can formulate your opinion (either the person has a problem or not).

 

Do not ignore any signs if they are pointing on alcoholism. Think about it, if the answer will be yes. There are recovered alcoholics, but they cannot drink at all. Perhaps she is only starting drinking, unfortunatelly too often. Ask yourself if you will be able to take it if she will procede with drinking. I know that it is hell or, at least, it limits your life because of your partner's unabilities to see things the way they are. Ask others to help you with providing facts concerning this issue.

Hi, first time user. I like what I see and the honesty here is appreciated. Hopefully someone can help with my problem. I am engaged to the most wonderful woman I have ever met. Compatable in every way. The problem is that she acn't control her drinking. It's not an every day thing, but when she does she gets to where she can barely walk. She is in another state right now on business, and I have expressed to her my worries in reagards to her getting this way aroung a bunch of strangers. The bottom line, she's been hammered every night she has been there. Last night she called and had been to a strip club with about 10 guys and called me from some guys lap in a taxi. I totally trust her and don't feel threated about her screwing around, but I am concerned about her putting herself in an uncompromising position with one of her friends. She gets to the point where they could have there way with her and she would never know. When I confront her about this she states that I knew she drank when we got together, and gets angry at me because I question her. We're to be married in a month. Am I jealous? Should I just leave it alone? She worries me sick when she does this, any help would be appreciated. Thanks.

[Ed]

Is your fiance' an alcoholic? Only she can answer that and she will likely be the last one to know it if she is.

 

There are certain questions that can be asked and if honestly answered can indicate alcoholism. My concern about your description of the situation is the fact that she is not willing to consider that she MAY have a problem. Anyone who will not face their drinking habits with concern for themselves and those they are in relationships with, is asking for trouble.

 

If she doesn't think her drinking habits are adversely affecting her, then tell her they are adversely affecting you. Don't tell her she needs to cut back or stop drinking. Just tell her that it is affecting you and how you feel about her and your relationship. Maybe it only bothers you a little now, but, it will probably bother you more after you're married.

[Laurynn]

Hey..if she's acting this way a month before you two tie the knot, there is something terribly wrong. And not with you.

 

No respectable fiancee acts this way. Going to a strip club with 10 guys, getting hammered? I'm sorry to say this, but she sounds extremely immature, tacky, classless and cheap.

 

Yeah, it does sound like she has a definite drinking problem. And I can tell you from experience, LORD how I can tell you from experience.......you do not want to commit your life to someone who has a problem with alcohol. The fact that she gets angry with you when you discuss your concerns, that is a big red flag right there.

 

I was engaged to a guy who had an alcohol problem. I didn't know it when I first met him. He was a clever alcoholic.....hid it quite well. He could drink half a 26'er of Vodka in a couple hours and you'd never know it. After we were engaged, I slowly learned how much of a problem he had with booze. He acted like a total horse's ass when drinking. Obnoxious, flirty, rude, antagonistic, defensive, trying to pick fights, just plain stupid. I gave him an ultimatum and told him that if he didn't go to AA and get some help for his..and commit himself to getting sober, that was it. The fact of the matter was, he'd been drinking since he was 12 years old (very dysfunctional childhood, victim of sexual abuse too). This was not something that was going to be fixed overnight.

 

While we lived together, there was a rule that he was not allowed to drink, naturally. And he'd good for a week or two.....then he'd be really nasty to me. Know what it was? He resented me greatly....because *I* was the thing standing between him and his bottle. He was very tough to live with. Before you knew it, he changed the 'rules'.....the new rules were he could ONLY DRINK with me, not out in public. I couldn't stop the guy. I didn't own him. The last straw was when I found myself snooping through our home/his office (office in the home), looking for hidden booze bottles (which I'd find). I was not his keeper, nor was I his mother.....I left because I deserved better.

 

If you marry this woman, I can almost guarantee that you'll end up divorced..not to mention bitterly unhappy. If you think for a minute that things will get better once you get married, please believe me when I tell you that that is the furthest thing from the truth.

 

Do you want a wife who acts like a drunken, two-bit whore when you're not around/when she's out of town on business? Do you want to spend the rest of your life worrying that she's getting herself into compromising positions?

 

You sound like a very caring, understanding and trusting person. You're more concerned with her getting herself into trouble than the fact that she's completely disrespecting you and acting like a hooch.

 

Is this the kind of woman you'd be proud to call your wife? ..the one who gets plastered and goes to strip clubs with a group of men?.....the one who sits on other men's laps in taxis? Would this woman make a good mother someday? Do you think it would be fair to raise a child that has an alcoholic as a mother?? That is a life of hell for a child.

 

Please reconsider your marriage. She needs AA. She needs to get to the root of WHY she drinks the way she does (the frequency) and WHY she acts the way she does.....

 

Laurynn

[Miss Mojo]

....well considering i don't live in canada, i'd say quite likely "hmmm, no!".

 

but i do agree with a lot of what you've said here. i don't know if you've read a couple of my replies to people of late, but i have spoken of an ex of mine who i was with for 5 years who was very messed up. because he was an alcoholic since the age of 14. and from what i believe, at the age of 29, he still is. what really grabbed my attention were the following points you made:-

 

1. The fact that she gets angry with you when you discuss your concerns, that is a big red flag right there.

 

it 's because the truth hurts and they get all defensive about it. they know they have a problem, whether or not they want to admit it, but it makes their life a little easier to treat you like you're the one with the drinking problem. denial is the first step though...

 

2. He acted like a total horse's ass when drinking. Obnoxious, flirty, rude, antagonistic, defensive, trying to pick fights, just plain stupid.

 

...embarrassing, arrogant, nasty, selfish...then the next minute all sweet and charming....then the next minute sobbing like a baby....then doing the most ridiculous things like hanging upside down from balconies, ending up at places he didn't even know how he got to...the list is endless.... oh, did i mention 3am phone calls to come and meet him in the city because he couldn't get home? it reached the point where the only time i would see my ex is when he was totally hammered at 3am in the morning. i spent so much time worrying about him, that something might happen to him if i didn't pick him up, that i neglected myself.

 

3. I gave him an ultimatum and told him that if he didn't go to AA and get some help for his..and commit himself to getting sober, that was it.

 

my ex tried AA meetings, but after a few, convinced himself that it was a load of crap. he just didn't want to change his lifestyle and didn't consider who he was dragging down with him - including his 2 children and his family and myself.

 

BUT WHAT REALLY STOOD OUT....

 

4. And he'd good for a week or two.....then he'd be really nasty to me. Know what it was? He resented me greatly...because *I* was the thing standing between him and his bottle. He was very tough to live with.

 

my ex resented that i had my s*** together. he was jealous of me and i actually put myself in the situation where i let his s*** drag me down to the point of nearly losing the plot, losing a lot of weight, a lot of sleep, and losing my job. he wasn't aware of how low i felt, because i hid it well, and he was usually too drunk to notice. when i broke up with him, he couldn't understand why. he promised to get help and try, but i'd given him that many chances that if i had a dollar for every time he said that to me, i would be in fierce competition with bill gates now.

 

all the above from my experience, are the hallmarks of an alcoholic - not to mention that they usually only feel happy with their life and with themselves when they are off their face.

 

i think he should put the marriage off until she can get herself together - if she can get herself together. like laurynn said, think long term - not a good environment for the kids and you don't want to end up being her crutch to lean on when she falls every weekend.

[Miss Mojo]

..still getting used to HTML...the last 3 paragraphs are my views and weren't meant to be in italics!

[Victor]

The problem is that she acn't control her drinking.

 

This means she either has to change, or you cannot marry her!

 

And if I was you, I wouldn't trust someone who "has been hammered every night she has been there", I'm not saying that you shouldn't trust her at all, but when she isn't conscious of what her actions are, you can't trust that! If it isn't her, then someone else will do something to her that you won't approve of, such as sexual things. Going to the strip club with 10 guys? I'd be willing to bet if she was drunk she probably striped there!

 

You MUST get this fiancé of yours to stop drinking, do not marry her, even risk your ENTIRE relationship to stop her uncontrolable drinking, it is very important!