Trying to pick up a girl who works in a bikini store

[amerikajin]

I'm telling you, dude, that's a bad move. She's not once ever given you any clear indication that she's ready to date you, she's just been flirting with you a little. For all you know, she flirts with a lot of guys - may even have a few more phone numbers just like yours in her hip pocket. By coming on strong like that, you're just letting her know that your interest has reached the point of OBSESSION - which will freak her out (am I right, ladies?).

 

Give it a rest. Like I say, if you really want this to work, back off and come back next month and invite her to something that's not so much like a date, but a casual get together. You want her to feel comfortable at all times, so spooking her out with a moment of truth isn't going to work. Nor is repeatedly pursuing her.

[tokyo]

BrotherAaron - you're at an advanced stage.

 

Browneyes22 - continue reading posts.

 

Wordguy, if you are out to really really freak her out, pursue your plan, irregardless of the warnings here.

 

Originally posted by Wordguy

I figure she should be sufficiently 'stewed' by tomorrow, having 3 days to consider her feelings towards me.

One of the worst ideas I've heard of. Been there, done that. I've also seen the other side and therefore I think you need to wake up. You really think you are such a catch that she will after a forced deprivation of your presence will start to wonder about you? I'd be very careful to overestimate your impact on her life, even if she had been a little bit interested in you, but three days are not going to make her perceive an absence of you in her life to be of any big importance. You would have to be at the very first stage of mad infatuation to miss someone after three days and she's surely not there.

 

 

My plan is to tell her that I would like to talk with her privately and when would be a good time (acknowledging that chit-chat in work is no longer cool). Then, when we're alone ask her if she would like to go to this concert with me on the 18th. If she brings up the boyfriend, then I'm thinking about asking her if she is happy. If she says yes, then I'll ask her why she has been acting this way towards me. Basically, I want to declare my intentions again and if she says no, move on. I'm hoping for yes though.

She's going to say no. Unless she's been hoping that you approach, you can bet that people usually don't like private talks with people they are only little interested in.

 

Originally posted by amerikajin

By coming on strong like that, you're just letting her know that your interest has reached the point of OBSESSION - which will freak her out (am I right, ladies?).

I'd surely freak out and I'd avoid him like hell in the next future (uh, like, next afterlife).

[browneyes22]

Wordguy...don't do it. You will most likely fall off her radar completely. You really need to let this situation cool off. If you can, avoid the store for a long time. Don't even walk by. Just let it rest for a month or two.

 

If this situation is meant to work into something, it will in due time.

 

But don't do this private conversation thing...horrible idea...trust me.

[Wordguy]

I didn't do it,thanks. Just dropped in to say hi and wished her a good weekend. She was a little nervous because her boss was in the back so I shuffled off pretty quick. I know it's in her court, and I've been trying to control the situation. To help me not visit everyday, I then asked a few friends at the office to walk me to the subway and promise to slap me when I decide to stop in and see her again.

[BrotherAaron]

Go find a new girl, man... if not for your fullfillment, for ours

[mental_traveller]

Originally posted by Wordguy

OK, I'll try the hard to get thing and avoid her altogether. I've really been half doing that anyway, so dropping completely off her radar won't hurt too much (I hope). It makes sense, because I don't want to upset her by getting her fired or thinking I may be a desperate-sleazebag. She'll see that I've respected her situation too. And if it makes her think about 'missing me' then maybe it will provoke her to contact me. If we bump into eachother at the food court or elsewhere I will be as a friendly as ever too. But, if I don't hear or see from her in 3 weeks or a month from now, I will drop by again just to say hello and see if anything's changed with her boyfriend.

In the meantime, there's another girl I'm interested in who takes my subway everyday so I'll see what happens there too.

 

No, this is too much Mr Nice Guy. Disappear, and if you bump into her again, you play it v cool - just a nod of the head, let her say hi to you, and don't appear too friendly or gushing. Every other guy chasing her will be just like you suggested, showing too much attention - you should do the opposite, it will make you stand out and intrigue her.

 

Also, if you get no play for 3-4 weeks, then definitely don't pop round to "say hello" and ask about her boyfriend. Don't mention her boyfriend at all; if she raises the subject, ignore it and talk about something else. Instead of "popping by", send her some flowers anonymously with tickets to a hot show or concert in town, with a note saying to meet at place X (somewhere nearby, that you both know - so she can get a hint it is you, but can't be sure) after work on Friday.

 

You have shown interest, and got some interest back. Now you have to take control of the situation - currently she is in charge, and you are wondering what she'll do. You need to reverse that, so that she starts wondering what *you* will do.

[mental_traveller]

Originally posted by Wordguy

Ok, here's the latest...

 

I've been talking here about 'playing hard to get' I know based on all your advice. Unfortunately, it's been really hard to ignore her altogether...I crumbled late last week and walked down by her store .She was there, alone.

She had this incredibly sexy top on. White, short sleave, slightlyh flared and split in the arms. You could see her shoulders and arms quite allot. She also had this black headband on that kept her hair up.

I walked into the store nervously, but figured since she was alone and there were no customers, it would be OK.

 

Anything else new she then asked? And I was kind of struggling nervously to come up with a response. I said smartly, "Well, I have my son tonight but I don't have him on the weekend. So, I'll probably go out with some friends on the weekend" I was so subtly hinting that I WAS AVAILABLE ALL WEEKEND AND

YOU SHOULD CALL ME AND WE CAN GET TOGETHER. But she never called...

 

I asked her then, "What's new with you?" Not much. (I should note at one point I sensed some nervous energy from her, briefly somewhat like when she told me not to come in but it subsided after a couple seconds). I wondered if this was due to her wanting to say something to me about wanting to call

me but hasn't or about breaking up with her boyfriend or apologizing for the way she told me not to come in the store anymore.

 

We talked some more about her school and summer plans...

 

An ok conversation. It's encouraging, I guess that she was ok about me coming into the store and talking to her. I know though, not a challenge or hard to get.

 

And today I was walking by the store and she saw me smiled a big smile and gave me another of those over the head waves that made my 'heart sing' a while back. I was once again overcome with this joy and erm... 'instant hardness'. She smiled big too...

 

I then freaked out a bit back in my office after this with one of the girls there about her and decide I'm sick of these games and am going to try and ask her out for coffee again. Boyfriend or not, these games have to end I'm thinking (I know, not playing it cool but this hot & cold thing has me a little out of sorts)... This girl I work with had seen her at a coffee shop after I saw her and said she was still smiling from seeing me she said. So I figured it might be worth being a little more aggressive this time.

 

Anyways, around 3:30 I head down and 'drop-in' and ask her if she wants a coffee. "I've already had two, but thanks for thinking of me ". "Maybe some other time?" Ok, I'll catch you later...

 

Trust me. She's drop dead gorgeous- 6 feet tall, long black hair, supermodel figure, and dresses to please. And yeah, I've got another girl I'm interested in too.

 

So, what do you think? Should I just keep playing this casual game or inquire about the bf status?

 

Beware! You are in danger of entering the dreaded FRIENDS ZONE. You started out well but now you're showing signs of desperation. Play it cool, Fonz.

 

And DON'T mention the boyfriend.

 

Just in case it isn't clear - you have to STOP talking to her. No talks, no popping by, nothing for 3-4 weeks. If you keep talking to her, you will become an irritation. Then, after a month of not contacting her at all, make your contact something a bit out of the ordinary, not just a "chat". Do something that will surprise her & make her laugh, something her bf would never think of doing.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by mental_traveller

Beware! You are in danger of entering the dreaded FRIENDS ZONE. You started out well but now you're showing signs of desperation. Play it cool, Fonz.

 

And DON'T mention the boyfriend.

 

Just in case it isn't clear - you have to STOP talking to her. No talks, no popping by, nothing for 3-4 weeks. If you keep talking to her, you will become an irritation. Then, after a month of not contacting her at all, make your contact something a bit out of the ordinary, not just a "chat". Do something that will surprise her & make her laugh, something her bf would never think of doing.

 

I agree. Too clingy already and not even dating.

 

Wordguy, stay away for a month.

[whichwayisup]

Beware! You are in danger of entering the dreaded FRIENDS ZONE.

 

Yup, you're EVER so close my friend. Back off, waaaaay off...Let her 'wonder' what happened to you. That will perk her interest - ONLY if she is interested in you more than a friend.

 

This is the ultimate test right now to see what happens. Gotta let it play out on it's own...

[tokyo]

Well, to me it looks as if he's a friend already....

[Wordguy]

Here's the latest in my soap opera life...not good.

 

So I got up the nerve to talk to her again. I walked in and asked her if she was busy. And she said, not really. I asked her then if she had time to talk, she said: “ I can’t - she’s here (her boss). Then I said,

“When would be a good time to talk?” “Do you get a lunch break?” She said,

“I do, but I already took it.” Then I said, “Another time then?” She said,

“Yeah, ok”. “See you later”. I said bye and left.

 

 

 

I was thinking about trying to nail her down for a specific time & date when, but she said “see you later” before I could. I didn’t want to pressure her. I took her saying yes to my offer of another time as being a good sign (at the time).

 

 

A couple days go by and I decide that I will now ask her out for lunch to talk and ask her if she wants to come to this concert with me next week. She sees me coming and walks out of the store to meet me. Says, hi..some small talk and then she says that she's been getting allot of flack lately because we've been talking so much at her work. I then asked her if we could spend some time together on her lunch break tomorrow instead. She said, "(Wordguy),I would love to but you know I have a boyfriend. I don't think that it's a good idea right now."

 

I say, "Are you sure?"

 

"yes, I'm sorry."

 

I'm pretty flustered at this point and don't know what to say, so I just say bye and leave. Basically, the prospect of us having some affair seem to be over now. The next day I avoid the store altogether except to walk to the subway. I can see her out of the corner of my eye looking at me walk by. I don't wave, smile or acknowledge her.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by Wordguy

Here's the latest in my soap opera life...not good.

 

So I got up the nerve to talk to her again. I walked in and asked her if she was busy. And she said, not really. I asked her then if she had time to talk, she said: “ I can’t - she’s here (her boss). Then I said,

“When would be a good time to talk?” “Do you get a lunch break?” She said,

“I do, but I already took it.” Then I said, “Another time then?” She said,

“Yeah, ok”. “See you later”. I said bye and left.

 

 

 

I was thinking about trying to nail her down for a specific time & date when, but she said “see you later” before I could. I didn’t want to pressure her. I took her saying yes to my offer of another time as being a good sign (at the time).

 

 

A couple days go by and I decide that I will now ask her out for lunch to talk and ask her if she wants to come to this concert with me next week. She sees me coming and walks out of the store to meet me. Says, hi..some small talk and then she says that she's been getting allot of flack lately because we've been talking so much at her work. I then asked her if we could spend some time together on her lunch break tomorrow instead. She said, "(Wordguy),I would love to but you know I have a boyfriend. I don't think that it's a good idea right now."

 

I say, "Are you sure?"

 

"yes, I'm sorry."

 

I'm pretty flustered at this point and don't know what to say, so I just say bye and leave. Basically, the prospect of us having some affair seem to be over now. The next day I avoid the store altogether except to walk to the subway. I can see her out of the corner of my eye looking at me walk by. I don't wave, smile or acknowledge her.

 

Bro, you didn't take our advice...and this is what happened.

 

You are now officially in the "distant friend" zone.

[BrotherAaron]

Next time a girl tells you she has a boyfriend, save yourself the trouble and move on man.

[amerikajin]

Well, you tried...you just should have been more patient.

 

I think there may have been legitimate interest on her part at one point, but interest doesn't necessarily equate to motivation to buy (you've studied marketing, right?). She has to have some real motivation to date you...not to mention, she also has to have some real motivation to drop her current boyfriend. That made things even more complicated.

 

One thing to remember for the road. Whenever a woman tells you she has a boyfriend, that doesn't mean you're necessarily out, but it does mean that she has to dump her boyfriend first - or at least lose enough interest in him that she's ready to dump him. And chances are, you won't really know that until she makes that completely obvious to you somehow. Most women aren't going to run around on their boyfriends by doubling up on dates with other men. That's why I recommended the friendly get together. Concerts and night time activities...that's asking her to cheat on her man, and if she's decent, that's just not gonna happen. Now, she may want to swing from him to you, but she'll probably have enough pride to do so in a manner that will allow her to save face and make her feel better about herself - and feel better about dating you, too, by the way. Capisce???

 

Look, I've been there before, man. You see a chick, she gets you all excited, and it's hard to contain yourself. But love rewards the cool, calm and collected. Better luck next time.

[tokyo]

Originally posted by Wordguy

So I got up the nerve to talk to her again. I walked in and asked her if she was busy. And she said, not really. I asked her then if she had time to talk, she said: “ I can’t - she’s here (her boss). Then I said,

“When would be a good time to talk?” “Do you get a lunch break?” She said,

“I do, but I already took it.” Then I said, “Another time then?” She said,

“Yeah, ok”. “See you later”. I said bye and left.

 

 

 

I was thinking about trying to nail her down for a specific time & date when, but she said “see you later” before I could. I didn’t want to pressure her. I took her saying yes to my offer of another time as being a good sign (at the time).

You showed patterns of behavior and thought as if you both in fact had a relationship. I consider this a serious lack of understanding of people or signals. There's no reason for her to have "the" talk with you if she already had a boyfriend and never ever showed any kind of serious interest in you. Big smiles are just not enough. She also did not even go out with you once.

 

People don't dump their boyfriends like this for someone whom they hardly know. If it had been so easy to get between her and her boyfriend she would have gone out with you, but she didn't. That should have been a serious signal for you.

 

Honestly, if a guy that I hardly knew approached me like this I'd cringe and I'd drop contact with him.

[whichwayisup]

Originally posted by ConfusedInOC

Bro, you didn't take our advice...and this is what happened.

You are now officially in the "distant friend" zone.

 

Sorry to say this, but I agree with Confused...

 

Well, maybe it's time to move on - She brought up the boyfriend again, it's kinda obvious she isn't going to dump him for you or cheat on him either.

 

The only thing you can do is let go and IF her status changes to single, maybe she'll call you. I wouldn't wait around for her.

 

Hope you're doing OK though.

[BrotherAaron]

Here everyone's posting about how to pick up a girl with a boyfriend... who does that?! If a girl is worth 2 cents, you will never pick her up while she has a boyfriend. I mean, c'mon, if you can get with her while she has a BF, she's not exactly the kind of girl you want to date, is she? You could have come back maybe a month (or longer) later just to chat for a few minutes, seen if she's still with her man, and, if so, moved on once more - but to come back several times a week and to continue to ask her out when she already said no was ignoring what you already knew. I stick with my previous statement - your mistake wasn't ignoring our advice, because none of us were being frank enough with you. She said she had a boyfriend, and that was all the "signal" that you needed.

[tokyo]

Originally posted by BrotherAaron

I stick with my previous statement - your mistake wasn't ignoring our advice, because none of us were being frank enough with you. She said she had a boyfriend, and that was all the "signal" that you needed.

That's what I said, too, right from the beginning. Was I maybe too nice and not direct enough? <kooky writes down: Must be more direct otherwise those sillies don't get it. >

[whichwayisup]

Actually, what IF she had dumped him for you...How secure would you have felt if you did end up dating her?

[blue16]

Originally posted by whichwayisup

Actually, what IF she had dumped him for you...How secure would you have felt if you did end up dating her?

 

Just because she is willing to dump her bf for someone else, doesn't mean she would dump HIM for someone else.

 

 

I must admit I was cringing while reading most of this thread. I really wish I was able to share some advice before it was too late, although pretty much everything I wanted to say was mentioned by someone here at one point. And the advice wasn't taken at all.

 

I have the same thoughts as 'kooky' about girls smiling and interest. I've done research in topics of communication between girls and guys for a school project, so what I say is not just my own opinion. Girls use smiles to be friendly, and to show they are a pleasant person (in most cases.) As long as they think the guy is a 'good guy' they'll use smiles in order to be enjoyable to be around. Yes, it's possible they are using it to flirt...because of course when girls are flirting they are usually smiling. But it's naive to say "oh she smiled at me" and think right away that is a sign of interest.

 

Guys generally use smiling to flirt. So because guys have this mindset, when they see a girl smile they think "well when I flirt I'm smiling a lot, so since she's smiling she must be flirting." That's not how it works at all. i'm sure all guys have fallen down this trap. I had met this girl, and she was giving me a few smiles so I thought she might be interested. Pfff...not even, she had a boyfriend and after getting to know her a little better it was obvious she wasn't interested. We became casual friends, and I guess those smiles I thought were interest were her just trying to be a pleasant person because she thought of me as a friendly guy.

 

This is a text-book case on how your feelings can really affect how you perceive the situation. One example that stands out to me is when you asked if you could talk somewhere private...and she gave you an excuse, and then you said "How bout later?" or something to that extent. She said "Sure." and you took that as "oh she wants to meet with me this is good news!". Well what is she supposed to say? No? Even if I DISLIKE someone and they say they want to talk privately, I am atleast willing to hear them out, at the very least to be polite. Given that you two are on friendly terms she isn't gonna be rude and not even have a private talk with you, but it definitely doesn't indicate interest.

 

Now although it's too late, you asked her out too many times alrdy without her showing any definite interest back...heres what I suggest you do. DO NOT overcompensate by being mean to her, intentionally ignoring her. I can tell you are bitter for being rejected, by the way you just walked past her without even waving or saying hi. If you happen to walk by the store and she isn't busy, maybe a polite wave would show her you 2 are still on good terms. Nothing is worse is when you meet someone really cool and enjoy their company, and they ask you out...and for whatever reason you aren't interested...then the other person gets all bitter and never speaks to you again. How do you think that would make her feel?

 

But if you really want to move on, and don't think if you will be able to do say if you say hi now and then, I think it would be a good idea to continue walking on by. But theres nothing wrong with being polite and saying hi to her now and then, because that would show her that you aren't phazed that she turned down your date offer.

 

Good luck.

[amerikajin]

Well, I'll be the devil's advocate here.

 

I agree that in many cases, I'd be worried if someone just out-of-the-blue dropped their s.o. for me. However, you have to remember, if they're dumping their s.o., they weren't that interested in them to begin with. Now, if she's dumping her fiancee or husband for me, that's a different matter altogether, but dumping a "boyfriend" doesn't mean she's a bad person. Naturally, it all depends on how it's done. If she spends a significant time going off with someone behind her bf's back and going out on actual dates and kissing and smooching, and if she doesn't tell him about it, yeah, that's dishonest. But if she just gets to know this guy and decides "Hey, I've got more in common with him than I do the guy I'm with..." well, I'll just say that it's happened before. I know people who are married right now who started out that exact same way.

 

In this case, though, I think two things were at play here:

 

1) This chick knew early on that she had this guy, and she played it up.

 

2) Wordguy couldn't contain himself. He lost his cool and started being her puppet on a string. In her eyes, he became just another guy with a "hard on" for her.

[amerikajin]

And next time, Wordguy, listen to kooky. She's a sage - trust me

[Wordguy]

I did listen to some advice here. It helped me get as close as I did in some ways. Other friends told me take it slow and just ask to speak with her outside work. So that's what I did. I don't regret my actions and sincerity. In fact, my last relationship started much the same way. She was living with her boyfriend even. So, that's partially why I'm so puzzled. And yes, I did blow my cool. But, think of it like this. If you were single, got to know a beautiful girl and basically see her everyday (ie. office romance), then how do you just ignore the person? As I said before, I am not a player (can't you tell? ). So I tend to fall head over heals for the special ones. And I thought she was that.

 

Also, I made a promise to myself last week that I was going to have the 'bikini girl' story resolved one way or another. I wanted to move on with my life or get closer. And the endgame of me asking her out again, gave me that. And I will see again tomorrow. I would like to be cold in some ways, but part of me knows that I'll be nice and wave one of these days regardless. I won't burn this bridge because you never know what's in the cards.

 

I did think about the fact that if she did dump her boyfriend for me, what would that mean for a future relationship. And that maybe she was a player herself. In the end, she showed she was worth it because she was loyal and I respect that too.

 

Also, there were two other guys standing outside her store on Friday checking her out. So, I may not have been the first one or the last to flirt with her.