"I get to what I want, when I want"

[xxoo]

No, I do not get to do what I want, when I want while in a relationship. I have another person to consider. As a mother and wife, I have multiple people to consider.

 

I wouldn't have it any other way. But for someone who wants to do exactly what (or who ) they want when they want, single is probably going to make them happier.

[hotpotato]

Saw this recent post by someone here, and also mentioned by others as their reason to be happy to be single.

 

Because, "I get to do what I want, when I want."

 

I am failing to see how this is a big deal, I know plenty of people in relationships that get to do what they want and when they want."

 

Like going on a spontaneous cross country road trip? Spending hours and hours alone several nights a week? Probably not.

 

People who say this, were likely in a miserable relationship, plain and simple. Yes...no?

 

I was in one really bad relationship, but he didnt keep tabs on me. I did what I wanted to do, but back then I wanted to be around him all the time. Truth be told, if we had stayed together, I would be a completely different person and not in a better way.

 

Maybe id be more inclined to compromise if the relationship was super.

 

Honestly, ive been aloof my entire life.

know a woman that lets her boyfriend do his thing, and vice versa. People seem to think this is a blanket statement warning us currently unattached that, "Hey, if you start dating someone, you'll be chained to the house on a 3-inch change, not able to do anything!"

 

Do his thing like disappear on a whim? Have sex with other women?

Most people arent going to forbid the other person from having a life. However, there will be restrictions and compromise.

[rester]

Visits to family are a big compromise I don't think anyone has mentioned. I have many friends and family that live far from me. When I was single I could visit them whenever I wanted, and I could have holidays with whomever I wanted. Now, I need to consider who my girlfriend wants to spend holidays with. It's a huge compromise because it determines the frequency I can visit family members and can seriously limit that time. She would never tell me that I can't see my family, but at the same time it's not reasonable to be away from home as often as I used to.

[irc333]

Thing is, not many single people are willing to compromise anymore in the name of love. (Sounds sappy yes).

 

Sadly, I recall one of my co-workers, she's been married for a good while. She's 50 year old great-grand mother. So it was a lifestyle of "babies having babies" so being domesticated was her lifestyle.

 

Eventually she got tired of it all, and separated from her husband, said, "I got tired of doing for him, time to do it all for me now"

 

Sadly, this is all the case of going from ONE extreme to ANOTHER.

 

A lot of it had to do with the poor choices they've made and now have an axe to grind. There is more of a "my way or the highway" attitude.

 

At this point, they aren't even relationship material, but yet one someone they can date, but not have to sacrifice anything.

 

You can't have your cake and eat it too.

[rester]

Thing is, not many single people are willing to compromise anymore in the name of love. (Sounds sappy yes).

 

Sadly, I recall one of my co-workers, she's been married for a good while. She's 50 year old great-grand mother. So it was a lifestyle of "babies having babies" so being domesticated was her lifestyle.

 

Eventually she got tired of it all, and separated from her husband, said, "I got tired of doing for him, time to do it all for me now"

 

Sadly, this is all the case of going from ONE extreme to ANOTHER.

 

A lot of it had to do with the poor choices they've made and now have an axe to grind. There is more of a "my way or the highway" attitude.

 

At this point, they aren't even relationship material, but yet one someone they can date, but not have to sacrifice anything.

 

You can't have your cake and eat it too.

 

FFS. I say good for her. She's done playing mommy and now gets to lead the life she wants. Not sure why you're so offended by people that don't want a codependent relationship. Wouldn't your energy be far better spent looking for someone with similar relationship beliefs as you, rather than judging everyone that doesn't share them? There's nothing sad about creating a life that one wants.

[preraph]

Thing is, not many single people are willing to compromise anymore in the name of love. (Sounds sappy yes).

 

Sadly, I recall one of my co-workers, she's been married for a good while. She's 50 year old great-grand mother. So it was a lifestyle of "babies having babies" so being domesticated was her lifestyle.

 

Eventually she got tired of it all, and separated from her husband, said, "I got tired of doing for him, time to do it all for me now"

 

Sadly, this is all the case of going from ONE extreme to ANOTHER..

 

 

I agree that that type thing happens, especially with women who've often completely halted their former life to take care of a family for 20 years. Jeez, at that point, you want a change. My mom stuck it out for decades until I was out of the house and then she divorced my dad. I had never seen her so lighthearted as when she finally had the house to herself and was able to take a little job in retail, hadn't worked since WWII when she met my dad. She's always wanted to move to a suburb (we had an acreage for my dad's car hobby) and she finally got to do that and move up where her sisters lived in a nice neat little house. She was very content until she got old and her health began giving her trouble. She was definitely not looking to take care of anybody at that point.

[irc333]

I agree that that type thing happens, especially with women who've often completely halted their former life to take care of a family for 20 years. Jeez, at that point, you want a change. My mom stuck it out for decades until I was out of the house and then she divorced my dad. I had never seen her so lighthearted as when she finally had the house to herself and was able to take a little job in retail, hadn't worked since WWII when she met my dad. She's always wanted to move to a suburb (we had an acreage for my dad's car hobby) and she finally got to do that and move up where her sisters lived in a nice neat little house. She was very content until she got old and her health began giving her trouble. She was definitely not looking to take care of anybody at that point.

 

Can you be honest with me. How did the dad feel about getting dumped. Sure SHE was lighthearted, but I'm sure HIS heart was broken. Was it a silly reason TO get a divorce? To have a "change"? Some would say she was being selfish....I've known some women to shamelessly admit, "Yep, I am"

 

No offense, when someone tells these stories, it's always one sided.

 

Not sure if that's something to be proud of, but it does upset me when I see this as a reason to divorce. Not to gender bash, but this doesn't surpise me as women tend to initiate divorces majority of the time due to them being "Bored" or some crap like that.

 

I call it regressing.

Edited November 2, 2014 by irc333

[preraph]

Can you be honest with me. How did the dad feel about getting dumped. Sure SHE was lighthearted, but I'm sure HIS heart was broken. Was it a silly reason TO get a divorce? To have a "change"? Some would say she was being selfish....I've known some women to shamelessly admit, "Yep, I am"

 

No offense, when someone tells these stories, it's always one sided.

 

Not sure if that's something to be proud of, but it does upset me when I see this as a reason to divorce. Not to gender bash, but this doesn't surprise me as women tend to initiate divorces majority of the time due to them being "Bored" or some crap like that.

 

I call it regressing.

 

Fair question. My dad was a funny man and a good dad, but he had a raging temper. So probably at least once a week, he totally lost it. Two of those time he hit my mom. He owned a rifle and I would lay awake nights after one of those irrational rages he'd go into (it was always over nothing) and wonder if he'd get up in the middle of the night and go kill my mom. She stuck it out after the second time he hit her (we did leave for a week) only because (and I feel terrible about this now) as a 12 yr old with a horse and the outdoors being my joy and peace and escape, I was strongly opposed to moving off the acreage. I didn't want to live in town. All my interests at that time were horses, my dirt bike, etc. My mom didn't leave him to escape domesticity. With the kids both gone, most of that was done and she had more time to relax. She left him before he really hurt her. He was quite angry about it, but getting angry was what he did anyway, without much cause. He retired to a life of debauchery and became an alcoholic, got dementia early and spent many years in a nursing home.

 

The irony was at the time she and I left him for that week, all she could think about was moving off the acreage, but then after the divorce, she ended up with the acreage just because that's how divorces went back then. My dad really needed that place (3-car garage) for his car hobby and I stayed completely out of it, but in retrospect think she should have found some way to give him the acreage since she didn't want to live there. Plus, if she'd known she would end up with acreage, she could have left him back when she wanted to when I was 12 and our lives might have been better. The situation turned her into a temperamental woman as well, so then there were two. My mom simply didn't know what her options were, not being business-savvy. She did whatever the attorneys worked out.

Edited November 2, 2014 by preraph

[dj572]

I would say that is true for me. It wasn't miserable at first but we always did what she wanted. We watched what she wanted on TV we ate where she wanted to eat. My hobbies stopped because we didn't have the money but she always had her hair done every month. She had pedicures and manicures every 2 weeks. If I wanted $20 to go to the range we didn't have the money. When I was asked what I wanted for my birthday I was told it was too expensive so I got nothing but she bought herself some new Bose headphones which cost $50 more than what I wanted.

I tried dating again after my divorce and I ran into the same thing just not quite as bad because we didn't live together and we had separate finances. She still fussed at me for spending my money unless I spent it on her. She would go with me to my parents for Thanksgiving and Christmas then rush me to leave because she wanted to get home. She would make plans for "us" but never asked if I wanted to. In fact she didn't ask me to do anything she just told me.

So it has been my experience that being single works better for me. If I met somebody willing to compromise a little I might try it again but after 2 relationships I don't really want to compromise anymore. It would take a special woman for me to try again. Meanwhile I'll do what I want when I want and I won't answer to anybody.

[irc333]

I'm sorry to hear that. So I take it wasn't come home to a "Dear John" letter or the typical "We grew apart" kind of situation, which is often common.

 

But, yes that is indeed a justifiable reason. An understatement I'm sure.

 

Fair question. My dad was a funny man and a good dad, but he had a raging temper. So probably at least once a week, he totally lost it. Two of those time he hit my mom. He owned a rifle and I would lay awake nights after one of those irrational rages he'd go into (it was always over nothing) and wonder if he'd get up in the middle of the night and go kill my mom. She stuck it out after the second time he hit her (we did leave for a week) only because (and I feel terrible about this now) as a 12 yr old with a horse and the outdoors being my joy and peace and escape, I was strongly opposed to moving off the acreage. I didn't want to live in town. All my interests at that time were horses, my dirt bike, etc. My mom didn't leave him to escape domesticity. With the kids both gone, most of that was done and she had more time to relax. She left him before he really hurt her. He was quite angry about it, but getting angry was what he did anyway, without much cause. He retired to a life of debauchery and became an alcoholic, got dementia early and spent many years in a nursing home.

 

The irony was at the time she and I left him for that week, all she could think about was moving off the acreage, but then after the divorce, she ended up with the acreage just because that's how divorces went back then. My dad really needed that place (3-car garage) for his car hobby and I stayed completely out of it, but in retrospect think she should have found some way to give him the acreage since she didn't want to live there. Plus, if she'd known she would end up with acreage, she could have left him back when she wanted to when I was 12 and our lives might have been better. The situation turned her into a temperamental woman as well, so then there were two. My mom simply didn't know what her options were, not being business-savvy. She did whatever the attorneys worked out.

[irc333]

I'm starting to think the "evolution" of dating is the attempt to date, but only when it's by "My rules" the "If you date me, its my way or the highway"

 

Like I see most times in these profiles, people with an axe to grind.

 

I read somewhere that if you're in a relationship...I heard even in marriage to STILL live in seperate domiciles, because if it comes a point where one cannot stand the other, you can go your separate ways until things cool off.

 

 

 

I would say that is true for me. It wasn't miserable at first but we always did what she wanted. We watched what she wanted on TV we ate where she wanted to eat. My hobbies stopped because we didn't have the money but she always had her hair done every month. She had pedicures and manicures every 2 weeks. If I wanted $20 to go to the range we didn't have the money. When I was asked what I wanted for my birthday I was told it was too expensive so I got nothing but she bought herself some new Bose headphones which cost $50 more than what I wanted.

I tried dating again after my divorce and I ran into the same thing just not quite as bad because we didn't live together and we had separate finances. She still fussed at me for spending my money unless I spent it on her. She would go with me to my parents for Thanksgiving and Christmas then rush me to leave because she wanted to get home. She would make plans for "us" but never asked if I wanted to. In fact she didn't ask me to do anything she just told me.

So it has been my experience that being single works better for me. If I met somebody willing to compromise a little I might try it again but after 2 relationships I don't really want to compromise anymore. It would take a special woman for me to try again. Meanwhile I'll do what I want when I want and I won't answer to anybody.

[preraph]

I'm sorry to hear that. So I take it wasn't come home to a "Dear John" letter or the typical "We grew apart" kind of situation, which is often common.

 

But, yes that is indeed a justifiable reason. An understatement I'm sure.

 

They were married for decades. I remember in my 12-year-old naivety, I asked my mom once we were at the motel after leaving that time, "Do you love Dad?" And she said, "It's just not that simple." You know, after that many years, there's every sort of issue under the bridge. I'm sure she wasn't blameless either. He'd have liked to go out more and she didn't seem to want to. She did manage to keep a lid on his drinking, though, without even nagging about it. After seeing how he was post-divorce, left up to his own preferences, I'm lucky I didn't grow up with an alcoholic father. He would have drink or two on Sunday, the day he tried not to work too hard. My mom used to say she liked him better after one drink. He became jovial and charming, but she never understood why he took the second drink. Because then he'd become morose and dwell on some childhood issues that remain vague.