Why does exOW keep showing up?

[Zigoto2]

H had a 2 and a half year PA after a year long EA. Dday came, he did a 180, broke up with affair partner and went strict NC with her (I'm amazed at his strength and resolve about it, he never spoke to her again once he made his decision to work on our M).

 

They used to work together and they don't anymore. H attends this conference every year and we have always used it as an excuse to get away together. Kids get to spend the weekend with their grandparents, we get evenings together:) When the A started, he told her she should register. The first year she showed up, she would see me meeting husband at the door at the end of each conference day (I didn't know about the A). I could see she wasn't feeling that great. I think it must have hurt her to see my H kissing me and us walking away holding hands. The second year is the only year in 7 years I didn't accompany my husband to this conference. They spent their two only nights away together. The following year, 8 weeks after Dday, A break up, and NC, she showed up at the conference too. On the second day, she asked H if he was OK. He said he was fine and that he would't talk to her and he walked away to text me what had happened. She left the conference shortly before the end and sent him a long "I let you in, you deceived me, I never thought you would do this to me, for me the friendship was most important, I've lost a coworker, my best friend and someone I love, I'm in a universe of pain" email a week later. My husband showed it to me and chose not to answer.

 

Break ups are hard, I know. She was sad and hurt, I know.

 

Thing is, last year, she showed up at the conference again. I met my husband at the door on the last day of the conference like I have always done. She walked out of the room, saw me, and did a 180 back in the conference room. H came out and we went home.

 

I just found out she has registered for the conference again this year. She knows it's always been our get away weekend. She knows we will be there. Why would she show up again? What will she get out of this?

 

I never meant to confront her. I never spoke to her, stalked her or confronted her since the A came out. I have no intention of ever speaking to her. I want nothing to do with her. I just want her out of our lives.

 

Can any ex AP out there give me any insight as to why she would show up every year? What's the point of this?

[adna89]

How do you know yout husband is now all innocent? do you have proof he has not contacted her?

[Mount]

There has no such NC between your H and his OW or exOW (if you say so and believe so).

 

Because you are not monitoring your H every 60 minutes and 24 hours, up to this age people should not really believe lip service - seriously. Being naive should not be one of the nature anymore.

 

H had a 2 and a half year PA after a year long EA. Dday came, he did a 180, broke up with affair partner and went strict NC with her (I'm amazed at his strength and resolve about it, he never spoke to her again once he made his decision to work on our M).

 

They used to work together and they don't anymore. H attends this conference every year and we have always used it as an excuse to get away together. Kids get to spend the weekend with their grandparents, we get evenings together:) When the A started, he told her she should register. The first year she showed up, she would see me meeting husband at the door at the end of each conference day (I didn't know about the A). I could see she wasn't feeling that great. I think it must have hurt her to see my H kissing me and us walking away holding hands. The second year is the only year in 7 years I didn't accompany my husband to this conference. They spent their two only nights away together. The following year, 8 weeks after Dday, A break up, and NC, she showed up at the conference too. On the second day, she asked H if he was OK. He said he was fine and that he would't talk to her and he walked away to text me what had happened. She left the conference shortly before the end and sent him a long "I let you in, you deceived me, I never thought you would do this to me, for me the friendship was most important, I've lost a coworker, my best friend and someone I love, I'm in a universe of pain" email a week later. My husband showed it to me and chose not to answer.

 

Break ups are hard, I know. She was sad and hurt, I know.

 

Thing is, last year, she showed up at the conference again. I met my husband at the door on the last day of the conference like I have always done. She walked out of the room, saw me, and did a 180 back in the conference room. H came out and we went home.

 

I just found out she has registered for the conference again this year. She knows it's always been our get away weekend. She knows we will be there. Why would she show up again? What will she get out of this?

 

I never meant to confront her. I never spoke to her, stalked her or confronted her since the A came out. I have no intention of ever speaking to her. I want nothing to do with her. I just want her out of our lives.

 

Can any ex AP out there give me any insight as to why she would show up every year? What's the point of this?

[SusiePie]

[quote=Zigoto2;5975380

 

Break ups are hard, I know. She was sad and hurt, I know.

 

 

I just found out she has registered for the conference again this year. She knows it's always been our get away weekend. She knows we will be there. Why would she show up again? What will she get out of this?

 

 

Can any ex AP out there give me any insight as to why she would show up every year? What's the point of this?

 

First off, I wish you and your H all the best. You sound like a healthy well adjusted woman and that you have a real chance in continuing the marriage in healthy way. I'm also sorry you had to live with your WH's infidelities. I'm really impressed you showed compassion to the OW and how hard breakups are. You sound like such a wonderful woman and H is lucky to have you.

 

With the info I have to work with, this conference seems to be something the OW would do regardless? LIke it is work related or some common interest group or whatever? Meaning, if it was something important to me, like a retreat I do every year, I would go regardless of breakup status. And frankly I wouldnt give a darn that it is your "weekend getaway" with your H. I do not mean that meanly at all. I just wouldn't change my behavior to accomodate you.

 

You imply she is doing it instead for some unknown reason. That might be. Back in my young dumb days I would want to be near my beloved, even if he had rejected and/or dumped me. I was silly and immature. Now I wouldnt want to deliberately be in my MM's path unless unavoidable. My MM is in a band and they played a real concert venue lately. I am sorry to miss it, I like the music and a fun time with or without him. But I avoided anyway - his BS would be there plus I think it would disturb him AND me. (Contact makes me sad)

 

She might just be lonely and desparate and need distraction. A lot of us probably wakeup from our affairs and realize how we are left with nothing when they leave us. He has his family always but we are alone and wasted so much of our hearts and lives on these selfish men. (ps: not meaning to gender classify offensively; I am female, so....and I know there are MOW. Just speaking as a female widow here with no kids).

 

Also I think it is possible she would like to get back with your H - so she puts herself in his path. It may be fruitless but some people have to try anyway...and other simply don't like "losing."

 

I know I didnt really answer your question. Just possibles. I personally would go if it were always important, even without your H but I would avoid you completely. I would not go simply to be near hubs, too painful, but, in some sick way, I do desire the pain of that at times, eg a hit of that man for five minutes of pleasure...followed by days of pain. I was addicted to mine and occasionally I am tempted to torture myself and go see him at work. But I luckily avoid the drug knowing I'll have to pay too highly.

Edited October 31, 2014 by SusiePie

[OWAmy]

How long ago is it since the affair ended?

[cozycottagelg]

It might be a conference she enjoys going to, or rather, did enjoy before the affair.

[beach]

She has every right to show up if she wants to.

 

The question is why does your H keep going? Could he pick a different conference to attend?

[Zigoto2]

Thank you for your responses.

 

She is a married woman and her daughter is now 18. She has a family to go back to. I have never contacted her husband to let him know about the affair as I don't want to inflict any of that pain on him and I don't want to tangle myself in their lives. I want everybody involved to move on (especially me).

 

It is a work related conference (counts as PD) but she had never attended until my H mentionned it to her (the PA was just starting when he did). There are many, many other ways to get PD hours other than attending this conference. Her professional interests are different than my H's and she was attending just to spend time with him. The first year, since I was there, they sat next to each other during presentations. He spent his meals and evenings and nights with me. I thought she was sick when I saw her and said hello. I now know she felt sick to her stomach watching us leave together. H just told me she wasn't feeling that well... The second year she attended, I wasn't around. They spent those two and a half days together. (Now that makes me sick to my stomach). She got a fancy hotel room and told my H she got it for free (cheating men can be naive too:rolleyes:)

 

The affair has been over for over two years now. She is registered again. I hope her husband attends this one with her. It would help me see she's trying to move on and I do hope her M becomes a good one. My H and I have worked hard on our relationship and we have invested ourselves in rebuilding stronger foundations. I wish her to be as happy in her M as I am in mine.

[Redheaded Mistress]

It is a work related conference (counts as PD) but she had never attended until my H mentionned it to her (the PA was just starting when he did). There are many, many other ways to get PD hours other than attending this conference. Her professional interests are different than my H's and she was attending just to spend time with him.

 

Then it sounds really, really easy for him to find a new place and way to do a similar conference. I agree that the question here isn't "why does she keep going?" The question is "why does HE keep going?"

 

My H and I have worked hard on our relationship and we have invested ourselves in rebuilding stronger foundations. I wish her to be as happy in her M as I am in mine.

 

Honestly, it sounds like there are still some big insecurity issues here... Because if the above were true, you wouldn't be concerned about why she's at this conference.

 

I don't know... Something about this isn't ringing right. Just from your story, I'm not buying that there's NC here. At the very least there's passive contact, maybe not directly with each other, but still contact. Otherwise, how would he know she's going to be there? At the very least he's checking up on her. And honestly, you're passively checking up on her too by checking to see where she is and what she's doing at these conferences.

 

I just keep coming back to how, if it were me, I'd have told him that he needs to personally develop at a different conference two years ago. It's strange he didn't arrive at that conclusion on his own as it was. Just something here isn't passing the smell test.

[SoleMate]

We can all guess why she keeps going, but none of us will really know. There could be innocent explanations; her professional interests may have shifted relative to the info you have. People do change specializations and it's quite possible based on what you've posted that the exposure to your husband's area of specialization has piqued her interest and she is now pursuing it independently. And yes, it's also quite possible she is pining for your husband and using this event to try to re-establish contact or just get a glimpse of him. The thing is, you can't know.

 

You can't know her motivations and you can't control her behavior. The less you think of her, the better. You can only control yourself, and, I hope, influence your husband. Since there are so many ways for your H to get the PD hours he needs, other than going to this conference, and it appears the sight of exOW distresses you, I'd suggest asking your husband to find another conference to attend. That's particularly appropriate since the conference was used as a cheating venue. Maybe if you skip a few years, she'll lose interest and you can try again in 2017.

[beach]

Why doesn't your husband chooses different conference to attend?

You can't change her. But he can change his choice of venue.

 

 

So he goes knowing he will see her. If I really didn't want to see someone I would NEVER go again. Why has he chosen to keep going knowing he will see her?

 

You keep asking about what you can't control but why aren't you asking him about what can be controlled? He doesn't have to go to that one...he chooses to.

 

He can make other choices.

 

Does he see her at other times throughout the year?

[AlwaysGrowing]

What the motivations are of the XOW are not going to solve your issue.

 

Your issue is the fact XOW is there.

 

As others have pointed out, you have options....things that you/husband DO have control over.

 

Don't go.

Go

Go and don't concern yourself over XOW

 

 

You might want to reconsider informing XOW husband. He might want the same privilege of protecting himself that you enjoy.

[Pastypop]

My XAP and I have had children in the same activity for four years now. My child loves it, I love it and it has nothing to do with him. If he doesn't like bumping into us on occasion then he can pack his kid up and take them to a different one. There is no way I'm going to alter my life or my child's because he has a problem with it! I don't care how he feels or what he thinks. That's his problem!! He tired to bully me to leave after the first year but after I cussed and belittled him for contacting me, he left me alone.

[couchcushion]

First off, I wish you and your H all the best. You sound like a healthy well adjusted woman and that you have a real chance in continuing the marriage in healthy way. I'm also sorry you had to live with your WH's infidelities. I'm really impressed you showed compassion to the OW and how hard breakups are. You sound like such a wonderful woman and H is lucky to have you.

 

With the info I have to work with, this conference seems to be something the OW would do regardless? LIke it is work related or some common interest group or whatever? Meaning, if it was something important to me, like a retreat I do every year, I would go regardless of breakup status. And frankly I wouldnt give a darn that it is your "weekend getaway" with your H. I do not mean that meanly at all. I just wouldn't change my behavior to accomodate you.

 

You imply she is doing it instead for some unknown reason. That might be. Back in my young dumb days I would want to be near my beloved, even if he had rejected and/or dumped me. I was silly and immature. Now I wouldnt want to deliberately be in my MM's path unless unavoidable. My MM is in a band and they played a real concert venue lately. I am sorry to miss it, I like the music and a fun time with or without him. But I avoided anyway - his BS would be there plus I think it would disturb him AND me. (Contact makes me sad)

 

She might just be lonely and desparate and need distraction. A lot of us probably wakeup from our affairs and realize how we are left with nothing when they leave us. He has his family always but we are alone and wasted so much of our hearts and lives on these selfish men. (ps: not meaning to gender classify offensively; I am female, so....and I know there are MOW. Just speaking as a female widow here with no kids).

 

Also I think it is possible she would like to get back with your H - so she puts herself in his path. It may be fruitless but some people have to try anyway...and other simply don't like "losing."

 

I know I didnt really answer your question. Just possibles. I personally would go if it were always important, even without your H but I would avoid you completely. I would not go simply to be near hubs, too painful, but, in some sick way, I do desire the pain of that at times, eg a hit of that man for five minutes of pleasure...followed by days of pain. I was addicted to mine and occasionally I am tempted to torture myself and go see him at work. But I luckily avoid the drug knowing I'll have to pay too highly.

 

There have been some excellent responses, especially Susie's. There are many reasons she may still attend. It's possible that she still feels the need for closure, given that your husband cut off all contact without so much as a goodbye email. Speaking from an OW perspective, that would be devastating (read all the OW threads!). She may be attending in the hopes that she catches a few minutes with him alone to vent/rekindle/attempt closure.

 

Since she cannot contact him in any other way, she may attend as the only way to remind your husband of the hurt he has left behind.

[Zigoto2]

You all have good points. My H goes to the conference for affordable professional development. He actually wanted to attend another conference instead (with the same guide lines and ideas but one serving a different region). It is much further away (hours of driving) and I am the one who loves, I mean love the setting of this conference. I also like the fact that the grandparents are available to take the kids every year for that one because they are in town that month (they travel alot).

 

I'm basically the one with the issue here. My husband doesn't care if she's there or not. He would rather she wasn't there because he knows it makes me uncomfortable but he says that to him she's like any other stranger in the room. He found that a strange feeling at first. I'm the one it makes uncomfortable because yes, I still feel insecure about the whole thing. I'm still hurt. The anger is gone but the healing isn't complete. He didn't know she was going again this year until I checked the reply list from the conference committee and saw her email adress on the "you are accepted" email (along with many other people). I might ask H to choose a different conference next year. I think the idea of skipping a couple and going back in 2017 is a good one:)

 

I'm not heartless, my H told her we were trying to work on our marriage and they had time to speak before he made his choices. Decisions like this do take time. AP even told him herself he had to decide what he wanted and to let her know if he wanted to work things out with me. When he called to tell her that he was breaking up with her and that there would be no more contact between them she was angry at him. But everything was out in the open. There was no more sneakiness.

[adna89]

Sounds to me you have no reasons to be worried about your husband.Tell him you want to go to another conference this year,for change.If he is against it for some reason,then tell him she is there and you are not feeling ok with it

[Lurkeraspect]

Thank you for your responses.

 

She is a married woman and her daughter is now 18. She has a family to go back to. I have never contacted her husband to let him know about the affair as I don't want to inflict any of that pain on him and I don't want to tangle myself in their lives. I want everybody involved to move on (especially me).

 

It is a work related conference (counts as PD) but she had never attended until my H mentionned it to her (the PA was just starting when he did). There are many, many other ways to get PD hours other than attending this conference. Her professional interests are different than my H's and she was attending just to spend time with him. The first year, since I was there, they sat next to each other during presentations. He spent his meals and evenings and nights with me. I thought she was sick when I saw her and said hello. I now know she felt sick to her stomach watching us leave together. H just told me she wasn't feeling that well... The second year she attended, I wasn't around. They spent those two and a half days together. (Now that makes me sick to my stomach). She got a fancy hotel room and told my H she got it for free (cheating men can be naive too:rolleyes:)

 

The affair has been over for over two years now. She is registered again. I hope her husband attends this one with her. It would help me see she's trying to move on and I do hope her M becomes a good one. My H and I have worked hard on our relationship and we have invested ourselves in rebuilding stronger foundations. I wish her to be as happy in her M as I am in mine.

 

There isn't much you can do about her showing up. To me, the issue is with your husband. He shouldn't want to be anywhere around her (in respect for you and your marriage) and he should find another way to get his pd done (as you say there are many ways). The affair has been over for two years, you're going to be there, it may be difficult to see her (and her to see you) but short of you and your husband not attending, you don't have a say in what she does.

 

It sounds like you really like the venue, so why not have your husband attend another (farther away) conference and you and him craft out some time (when the grandparents can keep the kids) to go alone to the venue you really like, no conference, just a weekend getaway.

[beach]

He says he doesn't care if she's there or not but I can't visualize a man who's had an affair with a woman not having any feelings for her once he lays eyes on her.

 

The fact that it others you should trump everything else.

 

Find a new venue - one you will like - even if it means traveling. And see if she attempts to participate in that one too once he signs up.

 

I would not feel comfortable knowing my H was attending a gathering with his OW present.

[herself]

H had a 2 and a half year PA after a year long EA. Dday came, he did a 180, broke up with affair partner and went strict NC with her (I'm amazed at his strength and resolve about it, he never spoke to her again once he made his decision to work on our M).

 

They used to work together and they don't anymore. H attends this conference every year and we have always used it as an excuse to get away together. Kids get to spend the weekend with their grandparents, we get evenings together:) When the A started, he told her she should register. The first year she showed up, she would see me meeting husband at the door at the end of each conference day (I didn't know about the A). I could see she wasn't feeling that great. I think it must have hurt her to see my H kissing me and us walking away holding hands. The second year is the only year in 7 years I didn't accompany my husband to this conference. They spent their two only nights away together. The following year, 8 weeks after Dday, A break up, and NC, she showed up at the conference too. On the second day, she asked H if he was OK. He said he was fine and that he would't talk to her and he walked away to text me what had happened. She left the conference shortly before the end and sent him a long "I let you in, you deceived me, I never thought you would do this to me, for me the friendship was most important, I've lost a coworker, my best friend and someone I love, I'm in a universe of pain" email a week later. My husband showed it to me and chose not to answer.

 

Break ups are hard, I know. She was sad and hurt, I know.

 

Thing is, last year, she showed up at the conference again. I met my husband at the door on the last day of the conference like I have always done. She walked out of the room, saw me, and did a 180 back in the conference room. H came out and we went home.

 

I just found out she has registered for the conference again this year. She knows it's always been our get away weekend. She knows we will be there. Why would she show up again? What will she get out of this?

 

I never meant to confront her. I never spoke to her, stalked her or confronted her since the A came out. I have no intention of ever speaking to her. I want nothing to do with her. I just want her out of our lives.

 

Can any ex AP out there give me any insight as to why she would show up every year? What's the point of this?

 

Can you find another conference to attend?

If it's the only time you and your H see her, cut it out.

It triggers everyone...you, the ow, your H.

Why give her an opening and hopefully now her email is blocked. :-))

[jellybean89]

There has no such NC between your H and his OW or exOW (if you say so and believe so).

 

Because you are not monitoring your H every 60 minutes and 24 hours, up to this age people should not really believe lip service - seriously. Being naive should not be one of the nature anymore.

 

Really Mount? No wife should feel as if they have to 'monitor' their husband 24/7 - that's not a marriage. I know you are still hurting over the end of your affair, but saying something like this to a poster who posted a respectful post was really snarky, imho.

 

OP, your H shouldn't have to attend a different conference. You have been very respectful with regards to this OW who seems to be wanting to be around your H. I think she is hoping you don't show up or she can get alone time with your H. I have seen on here a lot how OW obsessively check their xAP's facebook, his wife's facebook, etc. Sometimes, they can't let go after the affair has ended. Many on here who have been dumped talk about how they want "closure", not understanding closure comes from within. I have seen posts about how they want one more chance to talk to the xAP, to let him know they love him and want to be in his life and will go further underground with the affair if he gives them another chance.

 

Time to stop worrying about her. You can't control her and any obsessive traits she may have. She knows he goes to this conference - something she didn't do previously. This is, in her mind, her chance to see him, be near him, etc. Time for you to ignore her - don't change your reconciliation plans with your H. Keep doing what you have been doing. Don't let her behavior get in the way of your time with your spouse. He shouldn't be "run off' from a conference HE attended previous to her and told her about. DO NOT let her upset you or make you feel you have to tip toe around her and her feelings. You have done your part - at this point, ignore her and hopefully she will find a new conference to go to.

 

Best of luck in your marriage and continued recovery of your marriage.

[Mount]

Hurting?!!! Are you kidding (joking)...do I need to say more the reality - such as the husband (MM) said to his wife vs. reality? Do not tell me you are still naive in such age? Alright..

 

But just want to clarify - the affair is not on (my choice, I dont give it), but there has so NC at all.....Is there more clearer?

 

And that is why I said wife needs to monitor their so-called husband 24/7 if they really want to believe NC, otherwise they won't dream what is happening behind their (wives)'s back, really no need to say more...it is getting old.

 

 

Really Mount? No wife should feel as if they have to 'monitor' their husband 24/7 - that's not a marriage. I know you are still hurting over the end of your affair, but saying something like this to a poster who posted a respectful post was really snarky, imho.

 

OP, your H shouldn't have to attend a different conference. You have been very respectful with regards to this OW who seems to be wanting to be around your H. I think she is hoping you don't show up or she can get alone time with your H. I have seen on here a lot how OW obsessively check their xAP's facebook, his wife's facebook, etc. Sometimes, they can't let go after the affair has ended. Many on here who have been dumped talk about how they want "closure", not understanding closure comes from within. I have seen posts about how they want one more chance to talk to the xAP, to let him know they love him and want to be in his life and will go further underground with the affair if he gives them another chance.

 

Time to stop worrying about her. You can't control her and any obsessive traits she may have. She knows he goes to this conference - something she didn't do previously. This is, in her mind, her chance to see him, be near him, etc. Time for you to ignore her - don't change your reconciliation plans with your H. Keep doing what you have been doing. Don't let her behavior get in the way of your time with your spouse. He shouldn't be "run off' from a conference HE attended previous to her and told her about. DO NOT let her upset you or make you feel you have to tip toe around her and her feelings. You have done your part - at this point, ignore her and hopefully she will find a new conference to go to.

 

Best of luck in your marriage and continued recovery of your marriage.

Edited November 1, 2014 by Mount

[Red123]

Hurting?!!! Are you kidding (joking)...do I need to say more the reality - such as the husband (MM) said to his wife vs. reality? Do not tell me you are still naive in such age? Alright..

 

But just want to clarify - the affair is not on (my choice, I dont give it), but there has so NC at all.....Is there more clearer?

 

And that is why I said wife needs to monitor their so-called husband 24/7 if they really want to believe NC, otherwise they won't dream what is happening behind their (wives)'s back, really no need to say more...it is getting old.

 

Kindly, that is your experience. Some men really do go NC with the OW and really do try to make things right. Some men are remorseful and really want their W and do come clean and continue to be truthful.

[Mount]

Alright. Nothing really to be debating more, as long as wives believe "NC", then "NC" it is. Otherwise whatelse they can do.

 

My personal opinion is that only when OW is tired of affair, do not have interest in carrying on, the affair - at least the physical part is not on, but close contact, talking...etc is always on if OW does not mind.

 

 

Kindly, that is your experience. Some men really do go NC with the OW and really do try to make things right. Some men are remorseful and really want their W and do come clean and continue to be truthful.

Edited November 1, 2014 by Mount

[herself]

Really Mount? No wife should feel as if they have to 'monitor' their husband 24/7 - that's not a marriage. I know you are still hurting over the end of your affair, but saying something like this to a poster who posted a respectful post was really snarky, imho.

 

OP, your H shouldn't have to attend a different conference. You have been very respectful with regards to this OW who seems to be wanting to be around your H. I think she is hoping you don't show up or she can get alone time with your H. I have seen on here a lot how OW obsessively check their xAP's facebook, his wife's facebook, etc. Sometimes, they can't let go after the affair has ended. Many on here who have been dumped talk about how they want "closure", not understanding closure comes from within. I have seen posts about how they want one more chance to talk to the xAP, to let him know they love him and want to be in his life and will go further underground with the affair if he gives them another chance.

 

Time to stop worrying about her. You can't control her and any obsessive traits she may have. She knows he goes to this conference - something she didn't do previously. This is, in her mind, her chance to see him, be near him, etc. Time for you to ignore her - don't change your reconciliation plans with your H. Keep doing what you have been doing. Don't let her behavior get in the way of your time with your spouse. He shouldn't be "run off' from a conference HE attended previous to her and told her about. DO NOT let her upset you or make you feel you have to tip toe around her and her feelings. You have done your part - at this point, ignore her and hopefully she will find a new conference to go to.

 

Best of luck in your marriage and continued recovery of your marriage.

 

I think op is doing a beautiful job handling ow at the conference and agree her H shouldn't HAVE to...but wouldn't it be cool to find a different conference where he doesn't have a reminder of her for either of you and the kids.

Even if he skipped one year it would be great for ow to show up and him not be there and maybe she stops coming.

 

The main point is you could have her 100% out of your lives if you didn't go to the conference even though it's not fair to you it's still something to consider.

[whichwayisup]

Do family trip another time with the grandparents, all of you together. Ditch the conference.

 

How does your H know that she registers and is going? Does she contact him and tell him? Just wondering how he knows who is on the conference list.

 

You say, no more likes/sneaking around, you know the truth. You were given a choice to forgive your H and give him a second chance or to divorce him. How unfair is that now the exOW (she's actually MW, not OW, ow is single) husband is in the dark. He hasn't been given a chance to decide whether or not he wants to stay married to a cheater, someone who lied and betrayed him. He should know. You won't be causing him the pain, his own wife did that the minute she and your H had an affair. He just doesn't know ... Yet.

 

Would you have preferred to be left in the dark if it was the other way around? Let's say exMW's husband chose not to tell you the truth, so that makes the three of them knowing what's what and you were left in the dark.

 

Please give that some thought.

 

 

The main point is you could have her 100% out of your lives if you didn't go to the conference even though it's not fair to you it's still something to consider.

 

If her husband was aware of the affair, things would be different.