Why does exOW keep showing up?

[Red123]

Alright. Nothing really to be debating more, as long as wives believe "NC", then "NC" it is. Otherwise whatelse they can do.

 

My personal opinion is that only when OW is tired of affair, do not have interest in carrying on, the affair - at least the physical part is not on, but close contact, talking...etc is always on if OW does not mind.

 

I agree that is the case in some As. But not all. My Hs XOW attempted contact three times after he sent her a NC letter and he showed me each time and replied in a very direct manner to leave us alone. When she showed up at his gym after the last contact where he threatened to tell her H, he left the moment she came in. He is not in contact and doesn't want to be. Some men really do go NC permanently.

[LifesontheUp]

I believe there are men who when they decide to end their affair and go NC mean it and stick to it. My xH was exactly like that and there was no going back for him. Sounds like your husband is the same.

 

For me this is so about you now and how you feel when you go to the conference. I think you should tell him how it makes you feel and like already suggested he could go elsewhere for a couple of years. Time is a great healer.

[goodyblue]

I think op is doing a beautiful job handling ow at the conference and agree her H shouldn't HAVE to...but wouldn't it be cool to find a different conference where he doesn't have a reminder of her for either of you and the kids.

Even if he skipped one year it would be great for ow to show up and him not be there and maybe she stops coming.

 

The main point is you could have her 100% out of your lives if you didn't go to the conference even though it's not fair to you it's still something to consider.

 

Uh... yes, he should have to find someplace else to be. He is the cheater. He should bend over backward to please the bs if he reconciles. The BS should not have to deal with this. Jesus.

[cocorico]

A BS is free to keep showing up at events linked to her H and his OW's industry, where she's likely to bump into the OW, even though she has no interest in the event content, I f she wants to keep reminding herself of the A or feels the need to keep "marking her mark" on that tree.

 

But questioning why someone might want to keep attending a conference in their own industry, seems disingenuous.

[Baby123]

It does seem bizarre - why do you have to go to a conference for the grandparents to look after the kids? Surely you could ask them too and just go for a romantic weekend?

 

Surely liking the 'setting' isn't worth how uncomfortable it makes you feel? You need to move on and stop trying to compete with the ow here- if your happy be happy and just stay away from things that trigger you.

[beach]

If I were you - I'd have a hard time going back to that venue knowing that my then cheating husband had gone there in the past. Not only that but that I was there while he was secretly meeting her right under my nose and seriously right in front of my face!

 

And I'm disappointed your HUSBAND hasn't suggested a change of venue! He KNOWS there's a chance she COULD be there - and his choice is to attend! He "sees her" and I don't buy that it doesn't stir up feelings when he sees her.

 

He was a great pretender while cheating - and he's perfectly capable of pretending now. He potentially could still be communicating with her once they are inside and STILL walking away with you at the end of each day just like before. Then off to home with you to continue his happy life with you thinking he did no wrong.

 

 

The thing he is doing wrong is putting himself in a position to be in the same room as she is! WHY? He has choices! He can choose a place where he won't see her at all.

 

But he hasn't! He keeps going knowing there is that chance of seeing her. And she still has the capacity to text him and email him. That's crappy of him!

 

And it hurts YOU! So he's not making purposeful decisions to protect you; to protect the marriage!

 

So, you see, from my perspective your husband isn't DOING ENOUGH... That is what I find appalling.

 

Personally I think he still enjoys the ego feed when he sees her - even if it hurts you. I find that offensive. You may think he's doing all he can to repair the damage he's caused but he hasn't.

 

There's a ton of value in telling her husband and I'd do that now!

 

Your H had a secret relationship with her for several YEARS. He led her on. He lied to both of you to get his fill of attention both emotionally and physically. I'm certain those feelings don't just shut off.

 

How did you discover he was cheating? Did he tell you or did you find out on your own and confront him?

 

He's playing me nice husband now but he was capable of that before so if be leery that he still has communicated with her since.

 

What exactly has he done since you found out that makes you believe he's changed the core of himself/HIS integrity?

 

I think you seem to have a healthy approach and attitude but I'm unsure that you have ALL the facts of what's really been going on...

 

Can you dig around and find out if there has been any other avenues of them communicating? It's possible - especially with men that pretend as much as he seems to.

Edited November 1, 2014 by beach

[meandmycats]

It does seem bizarre - why do you have to go to a conference for the grandparents to look after the kids? Surely you could ask them too and just go for a romantic weekend?

 

Surely liking the 'setting' isn't worth how uncomfortable it makes you feel? You need to move on and stop trying to compete with the ow here- if your happy be happy and just stay away from things that trigger you.

 

 

 

 

Out of order.

 

 

The woman never indicated a sense of 'competition' with the MOW at all.

[Baby123]

You can have opinions that suit you - my belief is the op continues to go to these events that make her so uncomfortable and that her husband could so easily avoid to mark her territory.

 

I believe the question isn't why the ap still goes but why the bw goes- My opinion- and I will not apologise for it.

[meandmycats]

You can have opinions that suit you - my belief is the op continues to go to these events that make her so uncomfortable and that her husband could so easily avoid to mark her territory.

 

I believe the question isn't why the ap still goes but why the bw goes- My opinion- and I will not apologise for it.

 

 

 

 

We could assume that the married man and his wife go because it suits them.

 

 

The other woman goes because it suits her.

 

 

 

 

Just as you state your opinion, respectfully, mine is that there is nothing to suggest that what they are doing is all a pissing contest.

[herself]

I don't think op is competing but I do think it's ridiculous to continue to put your family in the path of an AP. Its a horrible reminder and a dangerous trigger and it seems the whole family could find a different venue...even a similiar conference in another city...theres just no reason to go when you can control not seeing her ever again.

One last time why is your husbands email and phone not blocked to her being able to write him?

Take that step too. If you read these boards, many A restart. Take away any triggers or possible opportunity for contact of any kind.

Not because you don't trust him if you do.

But because contact even unsolicited is a trigger and potential slippery slope.

[goodyblue]

We could assume that the married man and his wife go because it suits them.

 

 

The other woman goes because it suits her.

 

 

 

 

Just as you state your opinion, respectfully, mine is that there is nothing to suggest that wat they are doing is all a pissing contest.

 

Uh... the one that it is bothered is the one posting here, and her husband is insensitive to that. Which makes him a tool.

[Zigoto2]

Whichwayisup, I have debated that point for a long, long time. Truth is, I focussed my energy on my marriage instead of theirs. I also truly believe that now, 26 months after the end of the affair, to reveal this to her husband would be out of order. It's in the past. If they are still living together in an unhappy marriage, it is their problem to fix. If MOW tries to contact my H again, I will definitly let her husband know. She has stayed out of our lives for 23 months now which I'm thankful for.

 

The only reason I told my H I would like for him to keep attending this conference is because I don't think I should be changing my life/likes/habits to ensure not crossing paths with her. This is an event I enjoyed for 7 years prior to her attending. She attended 2, prior to Dday and is still showing up now... Her choice I guess. I will be there again this year. We have paid for the conference and reserved our hotel before I even saw her name on the list. In another example, I know she likes shopping. I'm not much of a shopper but sometimes, I do like going to the mall. I won't stop going just in case she might happen to cross paths with me there (which hasn't happened since Dday anyway). She knew my H was married, she knew me, she knew we had kids, she entered the affair willingly, I'm not the one in the wrong here. I have done nothing to be ashamed about. I don't need to change my habits to avoid her. I think I've been pretty decent about giving her compassion and space to heal.

 

When I proposed to my husband that we should maybe skip next year's conference and that he could take different PD he seemed thrilled. He's attending that one because I told him I enjoyed the getaway. Next year, we will go to that town one week ahead of the conference and spend time there just the two of us. No work related business! He said he will gladly look at other options when the PD catalog comes out in the spring. We will try to go back in 2016, when the date will be different too:)

 

We have worked on our marriage. I'm not questioning my H's ability to stay away from XMW or from NC. I'm not questioning what I could do differently. And my husband has done much more than many other WH's to right what he did wrong (and is still working hard at being the husband he says I deserve). My counselor, who is in her 60's, has worked in this field for many, many years asked me about a year ago to list the things my husband has done to show remorse about his choices. She started crying as I listed everything he was doing and apologized to me for that. She said that he was a very rare example of someone truly committed to fixing a marriage and that she had never seen so much effort and work from a WSpouse before. Not that this took away my option of leaving the marriage if I didn't want to. I chose to stay. I'm not going to live spying his every movement either. When I discovered the affair and confronted my husband, I gave him choices. I told him that if he wanted to be with her, he could leave. I told him that if he wanted to be with me, I would be ready to work with him at making our relationship a better one. I told him that if he wanted to keep leading a double life i would walk away because I couldn't live that way.

 

Truth is, if he chooses to cheat again I will leave. I'm smart, educated, resourceful, and can live and support my family on my own if I want to.

 

My thread here is about this MW. I'm simply wondering why in the world she would keep showing up at this place year after year. What's in it for her?

[whichwayisup]

Uh... the one that it is bothered is the one posting here, and her husband is insensitive to that. Which makes him a tool.

 

He actually wanted to attend another conference instead (with the same guide lines and ideas but one serving a different region). It is much further away (hours of driving) and I am the one who loves, I mean love the setting of this conference. I also like the fact that the grandparents are available to take the kids every year for that one because they are in town that month (they travel alot).

 

I'm basically the one with the issue here.

 

Actually it seems her husband had no issue not attending that conference and was willing to go to a further one. It's the OP who wants to attend that one, due to the scenery and the grandparents near by.

[whichwayisup]

My thread here is about this MW. I'm simply wondering why in the world she would keep showing up at this place year after year. What's in it for her?

 

Is this the only time she gets to actually 'see' your husband? Just wondering if that could be why.

 

Also, does she go and sit by him or speak to him during the conference?

 

I get what you're saying, 26 months later but let's just say if there's ANY contact between them, calls, emails or texts (if that starts again) DO tell her husband. It's too bad you didn't notify her husband when you found out.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Out of order.

 

 

The woman never indicated a sense of 'competition' with the MOW at all.

 

Honestly, this statement by the OP:

 

"The affair has been over for over two years now. She is registered again. I hope her husband attends this one with her. It would help me see she's trying to move on and I do hope her M becomes a good one. My H and I have worked hard on our relationship and we have invested ourselves in rebuilding stronger foundations. I wish her to be as happy in her M as I am in mine."

 

gave me the impression there's a bit of competition there. She needs to see the OW is moving on and she's hoping to assert to the OW that she's happy in her marriage. Her marriage to the man who made some hefty promises that the OW was trying to cash in on.

 

That seems like "he's into me and over you" preening to me.

 

I'm not saying it's right or wrong, honestly, it seems pretty natural to me. But I think it's OK to call a spade a spade here.

[Redheaded Mistress]

I'm simply wondering why in the world she would keep showing up at this place year after year. What's in it for her?

 

Well, I think you answered your own question:

 

"The only reason I told my H I would like for him to keep attending this conference is because I don't think I should be changing my life/likes/habits to ensure not crossing paths with her."

 

She probably doesn't feel inclined to change what she does to keep you comfortable either.

 

I think the assessment that there's some subversive, passive-aggressive statement making going on here by both women here is probably accurate. One is parading her blissfully happy marriage in front of the source of friction, the other is parading that she's not invisible and she cares not a lick that the guy who made the same promises to her he made to his wife is leading what she probably thinks is an unauthentic life.

 

We can say it's because nobody should have to avoid each other, but I don't think that's at the root of it.

 

Me personally, if it were my husband, not going back to the conference where he had a bop-fest with the OW for a whole weekend would have been a given. Even if he truly is the model of post-affair marriage investment, you know he's thinking about that weekend when he gets there. Best case scenario, it makes him supremely uncomfortable in going back to the scene of the crime with the woman he broke vows to while also confronting the woman he broke promises to and intended on having a relationship with... Worst case, it's the easiest way to have access to the woman he's got NC with while he relives the glory days.

 

You can call going some sort of "I'm not changing my life because of you" statement, but the reality is that if that's your message, you've already lost the battle and she knows that. That could be another motivation for going. The fact you still look for her, check for her name on the registry list, go knowing she's there means she knows she's still a part of your marriage. So she gets that little victory on you. What happened means you have to change your life if you have even a whisper of a chance of moving forward. If you don't, it just means you have another weekend where he goes off to a hotel with that OW or another one in your future.

 

I shouldn't have to avoid Ben and Jerry's after I lost 60 pounds, but if I don't, that weight will come back sooner rather than later. I can make a statement about how I'm going to make a stand and do what I want because I shouldn't have to change what I do, but indignation doesn't keep the weight off.

[beach]

What was happening between them between the 26th and 23rd months since discovery?

 

 

Has your husband had any other contact with her other than the text and email he showed you?

 

Did he sit with her during the conference they attended since DDay?

 

And why hasn't he blocked her?

 

 

I think you're a strong gal with a good attitude looking forward. It's a refreshing attitude we rarely see here.

[Red123]

Honestly, this statement by the OP:

 

"The affair has been over for over two years now. She is registered again. I hope her husband attends this one with her. It would help me see she's trying to move on and I do hope her M becomes a good one. My H and I have worked hard on our relationship and we have invested ourselves in rebuilding stronger foundations. I wish her to be as happy in her M as I am in mine."

 

gave me the impression there's a bit of competition there. She needs to see the OW is moving on and she's hoping to assert to the OW that she's happy in her marriage. Her marriage to the man who made some hefty promises that the OW was trying to cash in on.

 

That seems like "he's into me and over you" preening to me.

 

I'm not saying it's right or wrong, honestly, it seems pretty natural to me. But I think it's OK to call a spade a spade here.

 

I don't see where the competition is. She is saying if the MOW brings her H it would give her the impression that she has moved on. That is totally normal, she didn't tell the MOWs H or invade their life at all, she just wants her out of their life. That's not competition, they have worked hard to repair the damage and want to move on, she's actually being kind and wanting the MOW to move on too. Plus there is no competition the A is over and her H is with her not the MOW.

[beach]

I think she keeps showing up looking for the door to be cracked open just enough for her to insert herself into your husbands life again. If she's consistent and persistent there may be a year when the opportunity arises.

[herself]

Honestly, this statement by the OP:

 

"The affair has been over for over two years now. She is registered again. I hope her husband attends this one with her. It would help me see she's trying to move on and I do hope her M becomes a good one. My H and I have worked hard on our relationship and we have invested ourselves in rebuilding stronger foundations. I wish her to be as happy in her M as I am in mine."

 

gave me the impression there's a bit of competition there. She needs to see the OW is moving on and she's hoping to assert to the OW that she's happy in her marriage. Her marriage to the man who made some hefty promises that the OW was trying to cash in on.

 

That seems like "he's into me and over you" preening to me.

 

I'm not saying it's right or wrong, honestly, it seems pretty natural to me. But I think it's OK to call a spade a spade here.

 

I would add the visibility of standing by the conference room door to be seen by her and let her see you with him...its ok, yes natural but when you can meet him back at the hotel room there might be a little part of you thats wants to show her "I win" but can translate "I dont trust you in the same room as my husband so Im.

here to watch him" I dont know, it all seems ackward.

And since your H seems thrilled you'd like to change venues next year it seems you know she's gonna go and want the satisfaction of seeing her see YOU with your H.

She loves him. She hopes him seeing her will change his heart. Shes still hurting and greiving and hoping he will rekindle.

No you did nothing wrong. But now knowing shes gone 4 to 5 times, you know you cant complain she shows up...you know she will.

Of course your H is doing damage control.

Im glad its working and it may be hurting him to see her which is why he was over the moon you would no longer insist on it anymore.

[beach]

It's possible if his name pops up on another list of attendees at a new venue - she could also sign up for that one too.

 

Can he register under an alias name?

[adna89]

It's possible if his name pops up on another list of attendees at a new venue - she could also sign up for that one too.

 

Can he register under an alias name?

 

A stalker:confused:

[Lady2163]

Zig, you sound like an amazing person. Very kind, very forgiving. You seem to look toward a happy future.

 

However, I cant help but wonder if you're consciously drawing a line in the sand.

 

Albeit, as an ex-ow, I wouldn't put myself through that stress every year.

 

There's no gentle way to say this, but you're giving excuses, not reasons why you don't want to change venues. There are alternatives.

 

This is an all to rare opportunity for you to get away from the children, to have some "me" time during the day and alone time with the husband after the meetings are done. Why keep doing it having the hiccup of knowing she will be there? Why have that cloud? I'm sure your husband is a good guy, affair and all. If he cares for you, cared in someway for her, this has to be tough for him.

 

If I was in your husbands position, I'd sign up for the conference, let my name get put on the list and then at the last possible moment, when i could still get a refund, I'd withdraw. I don't know how many conferences the companies in your husbands field are willing to pay for each year. I know of a couple of fields that only allow one or two.

[Zigoto2]

She's blocked from our facebook pages. Her main email and phone number are blocked as well. Thing is, people have more than one email adresses and phone numbers these. She could also get a new email under the name Todd Brown from all I know (I made up the name, nobody I know...). There are plenty of cheating permitting phone apps as well. I don't get the hype about blocking. There is always a way through if you want to keep living a lie... Sad really.

 

My H never promised her anything. He told her he wouldn't break up with me for what they had (and I read it in am email he sent her before I found out). If she saw a future with him in that it just shows you believe what you want to believe. My husband was being a standard cake eater...

[Zigoto2]

Whichwayisup, they don't sit next to each other at the conference. They sit very far appart and my H aims for out of vision field as well. It is the only time they are at the same place or event since Dday. She has tried to contact my husband since Dday. During the first month, she kept trying to meet up with him, and was calling him from strange numbers at the office so I wouldn't know, then, 8 weeks after the official break-up/no contact request, she tried to talk to him at the conference and he walked away to tell me right away, then a week later, she sent him an email which he showed me as well. Haven't heard from her since then. I guess it could have been worse.