Why does exOW keep showing up?

[Hope Shimmers]

Not sure what posts you are referring to, but you can think what you want. Personally, I think you are projecting hurt from your situation onto me. I am happily reconciled with my H for many years.

 

Referring to your posts on this forum. Yes, I can think what I want, thank you for that!

 

My situation hasn't been hurtful for several years, and I have no idea of your situation although it sounds nothing like mine, so what you mean by that is a total mystery. Actually my opinion would be that I would not want to be you in a million years. I'm glad you are confident that your R is many years strong, though - hope you are right. In my opinion, people show you who they are the first time. But again, just my opinion. I wish you the best.

 

Finally, I know from experience that men value women who value themselves. They don't value women who are willing to settle for OW status indefinitely or women who chase them and stalk them. And, this is especially true in the case of married OW imo.

 

Men who cheat on their wives don't value them.

 

If he valued the MOW, he would be with her. He's not. So really, how much could he value her?

 

Unfortunately, if you read the OW section, many MM (including mine) who were supposedly "successfully reconciling" were contacting the OW behind the wife's back - yet again. Most men will never uproot the lives, families, and homes they have built to leave for anyone, no matter how they feel about that other person. It is much easier and less damaging to stay. But yes, to your point, he doesn't value the OW or the wife.

 

I already said we all think about former partners from time to time. So what? It doesn't matter what OP H is thinking about unless he is planning to restart his A. It matters what he does. And, according to the OP he is working hard to reconcile his M.

 

Except he's not working hard enough if he's still going to this conference knowing it bothers his W. I think the issue IS in fact what he is thinking about, if the point is to move on and to not upset his wife. Men (or women) who see their OW (or OM) after time has passed, especially in the same venue where the sexual liaison happened, are going to look at that person and think about it. Automatic. Why even go there when it isn't necessary?

[Khy89]

Except he's not working hard enough if he's still going to this conference knowing it bothers his W. I think the issue IS in fact what he is thinking about, if the point is to move on and to not upset his wife. Men (or women) who see their OW (or OM) after time has passed, especially in the same venue where the sexual liaison happened, are going to look at that person and think about it. Automatic. Why even go there when it isn't necessary?

^^^^ THIS! Especially men as they are more visual. Just seeing that OW is enough to have it all come rushing back.

[velvette]

Not really. I came to that conclusion because you stress so much that a H doesn't care about the OW one bit after the affair has ended...seemed kinda personal...just my opinion.

 

But back to the question at hand...obviously it bothers the OP so much that this woman shows up that she came here to ask about it...it BOTHERS her...so why does she continue to go? I have yet to see a real legit reason for this. and honestly I'm young so I would like to understand why a woman would want to continue see her husband's ex lover at the place where it happened. You stated earlier that men don't think of places as special but that's not what i said, I said OP thinks its special for some reason and its not special anymore after what he did...

 

I am not stressing that a H doesn't care about the OW one bit. Just pointing out that many people when they end a R of any kind are done and over it and basically indifferent to the former partner.

 

I cant speak for the OP, but what I understood her to be bothered about is that OW after the R is over continues to intrude in a place that was basically their territory before the A when she apparently has no real need to be there other than to make contact with OP's H.

 

As for the rest of your comment, lots of people would avoid this situation. But, just as many people would reclaim something that was special to them and make it special again. There is no right or wrong in that.

[velvette]

Except he's not working hard enough if he's still going to this conference knowing it bothers his W. I think the issue IS in fact what he is thinking about, if the point is to move on and to not upset his wife. Men (or women) who see their OW (or OM) after time has passed, especially in the same venue where the sexual liaison happened, are going to look at that person and think about it. Automatic. Why even go there when it isn't necessary?

^^^^ THIS! Especially men as they are more visual. Just seeing that OW is enough to have it all come rushing back.

 

 

I think you need to reread the thread. OP is the one who wanted to go to this particular place for reasons of her own. The husband isn't pushing to go to this venue.

[velvette]

Referring to your posts on this forum. Yes, I can think what I want, thank you for that!

 

My situation hasn't been hurtful for several years, and I have no idea of your situation although it sounds nothing like mine, so what you mean by that is a total mystery. Actually my opinion would be that I would not want to be you in a million years. I'm glad you are confident that your R is many years strong, though - hope you are right. In my opinion, people show you who they are the first time. But again, just my opinion. I wish you the best.

 

 

Men who cheat on their wives don't value them.

 

 

 

Unfortunately, if you read the OW section, many MM (including mine) who were supposedly "successfully reconciling" were contacting the OW behind the wife's back - yet again. Most men will never uproot the lives, families, and homes they have built to leave for anyone, no matter how they feel about that other person. It is much easier and less damaging to stay. But yes, to your point, he doesn't value the OW or the wife.

 

 

 

Except he's not working hard enough if he's still going to this conference knowing it bothers his W. I think the issue IS in fact what he is thinking about, if the point is to move on and to not upset his wife. Men (or women) who see their OW (or OM) after time has passed, especially in the same venue where the sexual liaison happened, are going to look at that person and think about it. Automatic. Why even go there when it isn't necessary?

 

Thanks for your kind thoughts despite the snark.

 

I've been the OW to the H who then cheated on me. So I am pretty familiar with most pieces of this coin. All the things you said could be true. Doesn't sound that way to me, but Im sure OP is smart enough to figure it out.

 

What/who people value changes over time. As do people themselves. So yes pay attention to what they show you the first time. Some people sometimes grow/learn and become better people. We all have to judge for ourselves whether or not that's the case with people in our lives.

 

And again, I think you need to look back at the thread. Its not the H who is pushing this conference. Its the OP herself who wants to be there.

[meandmycats]

The husband should do the best thing and find somewhere else to go to conference and his wife is then relieved of any anxiety, even though she states she likes to go there.

 

 

They can always go back there as a pleasure trip further down the line.

[Hope Shimmers]

Thanks for your kind thoughts despite the snark.

 

I've been the OW to the H who then cheated on me. So I am pretty familiar with most pieces of this coin. All the things you said could be true. Doesn't sound that way to me, but Im sure OP is smart enough to figure it out.

 

What/who people value changes over time. As do people themselves. So yes pay attention to what they show you the first time. Some people sometimes grow/learn and become better people. We all have to judge for ourselves whether or not that's the case with people in our lives.

 

And again, I think you need to look back at the thread. Its not the H who is pushing this conference. Its the OP herself who wants to be there.

No snark meant. There are people who have successfully reconciled on this forum who I respect very much and I believe they are solid. I just don't happen to know your story, but I do wish you happiness.

 

People's values do change over time, which I guess explains why they value the OW when in the affair and the wife afterwards. To me, though, maybe 'value' isn't the right word. 'Respect' is a better word. Love, honor, and respect - from my experiences I would not trust someone who deliberately broke their vows because what is keeping them from doing it again? Clearly they were capable once. There are exceptions to that as to everything - I just wouldn't trust myself to be able to identify them.

 

And yes, the OP is pushing for the conference. Yet she doesn't want the OW to go there. The truth is, this conference is not "their" territory that other people have to stay out of. Anyone eligible to register has just as much right to go, for whatever reason, and we don't know OW's reasons for going. It's all just a guess on anyone's part. Maybe it has nothing to do with him. So if the issue is that it bothers OP to see her there, then she and her H need to go somewhere else.

[velvette]

No snark meant. There are people who have successfully reconciled on this forum who I respect very much and I believe they are solid. I just don't happen to know your story, but I do wish you happiness.

 

People's values do change over time, which I guess explains why they value the OW when in the affair and the wife afterwards. To me, though, maybe 'value' isn't the right word. 'Respect' is a better word. Love, honor, and respect - from my experiences I would not trust someone who deliberately broke their vows because what is keeping them from doing it again? Clearly they were capable once. There are exceptions to that as to everything - I just wouldn't trust myself to be able to identify them.

 

And yes, the OP is pushing for the conference. Yet she doesn't want the OW to go there. The truth is, this conference is not "their" territory that other people have to stay out of. Anyone eligible to register has just as much right to go, for whatever reason, and we don't know OW's reasons for going. It's all just a guess on anyone's part. Maybe it has nothing to do with him. So if the issue is that it bothers OP to see her there, then she and her H need to go somewhere else.

 

Sure, we've all agreed to the obvious that OW can be there. For me, it falls into the category of "Who does that?"

 

I also know from being in a similar situation with an OW who was determined to continue unwanted contact that its fairly obvious when that's happening and I suspect the OP's read on the sitch is accurate.

 

So yes, the options are go/don't go depending on how much it bothers you or interferes with reconciling your M. And, I would add if OW attempts to make contact perhaps its time to confront her.

[waterwoman]

Really, just don't go. It cannot be THAT important. And if you are going to make some sort of point, it isn't IMO, one worth making. Just let it go. Find somewhere nicer to make good NEW memories.

 

If you don't go to the conference and OW still tries to contact you/H in some way then you have a problem and can deal with it accordingly.