Constant Stress, fear, anxiety

[winterpast]

I'm writing this to further my clarity. I'm scared, torn, and don't know what's up or down most of the time.

 

My Husband is constantly working... like getting 2or 3 hours of sleep working. He's constantly angry, yelling about wanting to hurt someone, trying to pick fights with strangers etc. He will talk to himself and stay disturbing things. He's punched things in his sleep and gets easily angered over frustrations like dropping something on the floor.

 

I tried to keep to myself in the last two months. I tried not engaging and just speak when spoken to. Let him do what he wants and just live my life separately. I figured if I don't interact then I can't trigger a fight. In the beginning he was ok and nice but now he's more and more angry about it.

 

He only calls me to tell me about something he is angry about (mostly work related). I understand when people vent but he does this several times a day, everyday.

 

I don't think it will get better. I've asked him why he's so angry and he just tells me he doesn't know what I'm talking about, that this is him. He says people at work find it funny or something.

 

I'm constantly stressed. Even though he's never physically hit me and says he would never touch me, the fact he has to say that without prompt is a little unnerving. I feel like it's only a matter of time.

 

I want to leave but I have a son and don't want to leave with him without making sure it's not used against me in divorce.

 

I guess I'm just looking for encouragement or something.

 

Thanks.

 

 

ETA: This was his FB status this morning: "To everyone who has been supportive and helpful lately: Thank you all so very much!!!! To the rest of you go DIAGF! (look it up)". This is mild compared to some of the things he says. People are constantly asking me what's going on.

Edited October 31, 2014 by winterpast

[d0nnivain]

Wow. I can't imagine what's it's like to live like that. Can you talk to his parents? Perhaps all of you can sit down & help him realize that this level of anger isn't healthy for him either.

[winterpast]

His parents have tried to talk to him several times. He's just hostile towards everyone. I asked him why he was so angry and he said it was his personality.

[d0nnivain]

Do you have a pastor or a doctor who could also talk to him?

 

If you told him you're worried about his health would that cause him to be angry or is there any chance he'd listen?

[winterpast]

I've reached out to anyone willing to be involved. He's supposedly spoke to his therapist about it. I've told him my concerns as well. He can stop it for a few days but it always rears its ugly head again.

 

It's making me depressed. I tried to be strong and hold on but it's just getting to be too much.

[d0nnivain]

Would an ultimatum change anything? Can you be firm & say if you don't change this I'm outta here because I can't live like this any more? Do you want to say something like that & if you said it are you ready to back it up by actually leaving?

[winterpast]

Several times I have told him I wouldn't do this anymore. He threatens to give me a nasty divorce and basically take my son and everything else from me.

[Downtown]

I asked him why he was so angry and he said it was his personality.

WP, if that were true, these angry behavioral problems likely would have started appearing in his early teens. They would have disappeared -- for perhaps six months -- during the infatuation stage of your relationship and would reappear as the infatuation started evaporating. Significantly, that is not what you're describing.

 

Rather, you're describing a man who behaved normally for nearly all of the past 11 years of your relationship (6 years of which were married). You say, in another thread, that "He wasn't like this before the double shifts but the more he works the more he disconnects and becomes harder to reason with." Moreover, in this thread above you say, "In the beginning he was ok and nice but now he's more and more angry about it." Can you tell us when these outbursts and temper tantrums began? Did you see no sign of them until the double shifts began two years ago?

[beach]

Do you work?

 

I'd suggest working as much as possible, save money and get out and support yourself taking your soon with you.

[winterpast]

WP, if that were true, these angry behavioral problems likely would have started appearing in his early teens. They would have disappeared -- for perhaps six months -- during the infatuation stage of your relationship and would reappear as the infatuation started evaporating. Significantly, that is not what you're describing.

 

Rather, you're describing a man who behaved normally for nearly all of the past 11 years of your relationship (6 years of which were married). You say, in another thread, that "He wasn't like this before the double shifts but the more he works the more he disconnects and becomes harder to reason with." Moreover, in this thread above you say, "In the beginning he was ok and nice but now he's more and more angry about it." Can you tell us when these outbursts and temper tantrums began? Did you see no sign of them until the double shifts began two years ago?

 

It's hard to remember when I've started noticing these things. I think I was ignorant in seeing everything because love is blind. He was dealing with some anger problems while I was pregnant and I told him to get into therapy before our son was born. I was hoping he would be able to sort it all out by now. He's been seeing the same therapist for the last three years.

 

He's told me stories about how he would get into fights when he was younger. He would do it because it was fun. I never witnessed these types of behavior and so I didn't think too much about it. He also exaggerates his stories so that was another reason.

 

There was a period of time when he was in between jobs and home with us for about a month. He actually seemed more in control with his emotions during that time.

 

Like I said, I've been convinced of so many things by him, that it is hard to figure out what's up and what's down. He's made me think that if I would just act a specific way that he wants in every situation then he wouldn't have issues with me.

 

He tells me that I can talk to him if only I talk about certain topics. And if he wants to talk about something then he usually gets upset if I don't say a specific thing or reaction to what he's discussing.

[winterpast]

Do you work?

 

I'd suggest working as much as possible, save money and get out and support yourself taking your soon with you.

 

I've went back to school full-time and I am currently doing part-time work from home for a friend.

[Downtown]

He was dealing with some anger problems while I was pregnant and I told him to get into therapy before our son was born.... He's told me stories about how he would get into fights when he was younger.

Winter, that information changes the picture. Now you're describing an issue that he's been hampered by since his teenage years. If it arises from a personality problem -- as he claims -- the two most likely explanations are IED (Intermittent Explosive Disorder ) or BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not saying he has a full-blown disorder (only a professional can determine that).

 

Rather, I'm saying he may have strong traits of a disorder and, because that alone is sufficient to undermine a marriage, it really doesn't matter whether the symptoms satisfy all the criteria for having the full-blown disorder. A man satisfying 85% of the diagnostic criteria for IED or BPD, for example, will be said to "not have the disorder" even though he will be nearly as impossible to live with as a man satisfying 100%.

 

Of the two disorders I mentioned, it is very unlikely he has IED. For one thing, it is quite rare. For another, IED sufferers usually are well aware of their problem and are extremely apologetic after they have time to calm down. Significantly, you don't describe your H as being apologetic. Instead, you say he firmly believes that everyone else is to blame because he wouldn't have to get angry if they would cooperate at work and you would say the right things at home.

 

I therefore suggest you learn more about the red flags for BPD so you are able to spot all occurrences of strong BPD traits. This is not difficult to do because there is nothing subtle about traits such as temper tantrums, verbal abuse, rapid flips from Jekyll (adoring you) to Hyde (devaluing you), always being "The Victim," and black-white thinking (e.g., everyone is classified as "with him" or "against him"). Indeed, you've been describing these very same warning signs in your threads over the past year.

 

I've been convinced of so many things by him, that it is hard to figure out what's up and what's down. He's made me think that if I would just act a specific way that he wants in every situation then he wouldn't have issues with me.

This controlling behavior, where every problem is blamed on you in some convoluted way, is called "gaslighting." The term is taken from the classic 1944 movie, Gaslight, in which a husband (Charles Boyer) tries to drive his new bride (Ingrid Bergman) crazy. His objective is to get her institutionalized in a psych ward so he can run off with her family jewels.

 

He tells me that I can talk to him if only I talk about certain topics. And if he wants to talk about something then he usually gets upset if I don't say a specific thing or reaction to what he's discussing.

Your efforts to avoid these topics, so as to avoid triggering his anger, is called "walking on eggshells." Significantly, the best-selling BPD book (targeted to the abused spouses) is called Stop Walking on Eggshells.

 

I'm scared, torn, and don't know what's up or down most of the time.

If you've been married to a man having strong BPD traits for six years, consider yourself lucky to only feel "scared and torn." Many folks in such a relationship feel like they may be losing their minds. Indeed, of the 157 disorders listed in APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be going crazy. The result is that therapists see far more of those abused partners coming in -- to find out if they are really going crazy -- than is ever seen of the BPDers themselves.

 

I suggest that you see a clinical psychologist (not a MC) -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you and kids are dealing with. Importantly, you should NOT rely on your H's therapist to be candid with you about the disorder if it is BPD. Therapists usually refuse to tell BPDer clients the name of their disorder in order to protect them. Likewise, they routinely withhold that information from the spouses and from insurance companies (who would refuse to cover the treatments). Like attorneys, a therapist treating your H is ethically bound to protect HIS best interests, not yours.

 

I also suggest, while you're searching for a good psychologist, that you take a look at BPD red flags so you know what to look for. An easy place to start reading is my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings any bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Finally, I caution that every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all of the BPD traits, albeit at a low level if the person is healthy. This is why BPD is said to be a "spectrum disorder," which means everyone has it to some degree. At issue, then, is not whether your H exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether he exhibited those traits at a strong and persistent level over the past 11 years. Not having met him, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe that, after being married to him for six years, you are capable of spotting any strong warning signs that occur. Take care, Winter.

[spiderowl]

I'm writing this to further my clarity. I'm scared, torn, and don't know what's up or down most of the time.

 

My Husband is constantly working... like getting 2or 3 hours of sleep working. He's constantly angry, yelling about wanting to hurt someone, trying to pick fights with strangers etc. He will talk to himself and stay disturbing things. He's punched things in his sleep and gets easily angered over frustrations like dropping something on the floor.

 

I tried to keep to myself in the last two months. I tried not engaging and just speak when spoken to. Let him do what he wants and just live my life separately. I figured if I don't interact then I can't trigger a fight. In the beginning he was ok and nice but now he's more and more angry about it.

 

He only calls me to tell me about something he is angry about (mostly work related). I understand when people vent but he does this several times a day, everyday.

 

I don't think it will get better. I've asked him why he's so angry and he just tells me he doesn't know what I'm talking about, that this is him. He says people at work find it funny or something.

 

I'm constantly stressed. Even though he's never physically hit me and says he would never touch me, the fact he has to say that without prompt is a little unnerving. I feel like it's only a matter of time.

 

I want to leave but I have a son and don't want to leave with him without making sure it's not used against me in divorce.

 

I guess I'm just looking for encouragement or something.

 

Thanks.

 

 

ETA: This was his FB status this morning: "To everyone who has been supportive and helpful lately: Thank you all so very much!!!! To the rest of you go DIAGF! (look it up)". This is mild compared to some of the things he says. People are constantly asking me what's going on.

 

Could be he's generally an angry type of person or maybe his business is going downhill and he's under a lot of stress because he's not talking to people about this issue. Financial stress can be terrible. It's no excuse to treat you badly though. If there any way you can find out whether it's financial without incurring his wrath? Whatever is going on, it's getting extreme for you at home and I think you are right to fear that it might turn violent. I have a friend whose husband would have blow ups, like yours does, and later in the marriage he turned violent. He didn't have financial stress.

 

I think your priority has to be to protect you and your child. Maybe you should consult a women's aid centre or similar, where they are likely to have legal advisers, and talk this through with them. At least they may help you to see what options there are. For my friend, the anger and blow ups did escalate in the end. I don't think you can assume that it won't turn violent with him without him seeking some sort of help for his anger problems.