fear of confrontation

[Hope Shimmers]

Yes snappytom cat he does know and for reasons unbeknownst to me he says I can make him happy that I'm the one he wants

 

It may be unbeknownst to you, but actually the possible reasons for this are pretty limited.

 

Either is is a total doormat, has no self-esteem or self respect, and needs to grow a pair... or he is having his own affair... or he is actually uninterested in the marriage for other reasons of his own and welcomes the fact that your attention is elsewhere. Personally, none of those things sound all that great to me.

 

No matter what the reason, I can't understand why you would think it is in any way appropriate or helpful to anyone that you are continuing an affair while still being in a marriage with a spouse who knows you are screwing around on him. So you just think you should be able to engage in this situation which is damaging to everyone but you and your AP until "you" decide what you are missing in your marriage?

 

Really. Grow up.

[still_an_Angel]

Confrontation by the BS is a risk you have taken when you started the A. If it does happen, you are already at a disadvantage because you are half of the party at fault and the fact that the BS sought you out, the BS is in a confrontational mode already. The situation can go in many directions, but it will really depend on how the BS approaches you and how ready you are to divulge the information that the BS seeks from you. Each situation is different and you will know which way yours will go given the information you hold and what you aim to walk away from this.

 

 

Either way it goes, whether you withhold information to protect all parties or you decide to divulge, the grenade has already exploded (the BS already knows) the impact is huge to both your families so maybe the earlier you choose to diffuse or evade, now would be a good time to cut the risks.

 

 

You stated that you and your MM seem to be both waiting for the end and maybe for the pieces to fall as they will without you guys making the conscious decision to control the outcome. If this is the case, be ready that when you play with fire, you may not be able to control the blaze that will follow.

[torn87]

Thanks for the feed back guys and big thanks to be strong for the apology. This is the first time I've joined a forum community and while I am receiving both IC and MC it's slow going and my IC suggested this. I'm not sure how much information to divulge and its also very scary to openly read criticisms I am the bad guy in this situation I've done a very cruel thing and am continuing to do it despite everything its strange to be mad and disgusted with yourself at the same time but still be greedy and selfish. There isn't a lot of help for people o. My side of the spectrum and all my friends and family have pulled away due to my actions I'm not trying to gain gain sympathy or anything just don't want to be in this position anymore and I know that is all in my control and I will end things with the MM soon cuz I'm sick of all this and I don't want a life with this guy but it still need to figure out why I did this what the hell is it he gives me that made me feel like it was worth risking everything I have and have worked so hard to achieve and that bothers me the most and in the meantime I am yes selfishly using MM as a horrible coping method until I figure it out which after reading some posts here I realize might be preventing me from getting better its just extremely hard to let go of the only thing that makes me happy anymore and the only thing that has made me happy for a long time. I wish I had that with my husband and I don't u derstand why it went away to begin with and as far as my husbandsdo easoning for taking me back I can't worry about either he and I work out or we don't but I really want to do everything I can to make it work and I know the first step is to end things with the MM I obviously still have a lot of work to do but I do want to improve I don't want to be this person I don't want to live like this I never thought this is something I would want to do let alone be able to do. I want to be happy I wish and hope I can be happy with my husband but my main goal is to have a healthy relationship and the only way I can do that is by figuring out why I keep pushing good people out of my life this is the first time I've ever cheated on a partner but it is not the first time I've done something stupid to force the person to leave me.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Thanks for the feed back guys and big thanks to be strong for the apology. This is the first time I've joined a forum community and while I am receiving both IC and MC it's slow going and my IC suggested this. I'm not sure how much information to divulge and its also very scary to openly read criticisms I am the bad guy in this situation I've done a very cruel thing and am continuing to do it despite everything its strange to be mad and disgusted with yourself at the same time but still be greedy and selfish. There isn't a lot of help for people o. My side of the spectrum and all my friends and family have pulled away due to my actions I'm not trying to gain gain sympathy or anything just don't want to be in this position anymore and I know that is all in my control and I will end things with the MM soon cuz I'm sick of all this and I don't want a life with this guy but it still need to figure out why I did this what the hell is it he gives me that made me feel like it was worth risking everything I have and have worked so hard to achieve and that bothers me the most and in the meantime I am yes selfishly using MM as a horrible coping method until I figure it out which after reading some posts here I realize might be preventing me from getting better its just extremely hard to let go of the only thing that makes me happy anymore and the only thing that has made me happy for a long time. I wish I had that with my husband and I don't u derstand why it went away to begin with and as far as my husbandsdo easoning for taking me back I can't worry about either he and I work out or we don't but I really want to do everything I can to make it work and I know the first step is to end things with the MM I obviously still have a lot of work to do but I do want to improve I don't want to be this person I don't want to live like this I never thought this is something I would want to do let alone be able to do. I want to be happy I wish and hope I can be happy with my husband but my main goal is to have a healthy relationship and the only way I can do that is by figuring out why I keep pushing good people out of my life this is the first time I've ever cheated on a partner but it is not the first time I've done something stupid to force the person to leave me.

 

Too often people seek "happiness" and really have no idea what they actually mean. How often do we hear " I/everyone DESERVES happiness"? Is that true? Personally, I can think of dozens of people that don't deserve to be happy. And many more that deserve that often spouted "karma" bus.

 

If only.....people got what they deserved or "karma".

 

I have found it much more healthier to try to bring peace into my life. When I removed the things/people that were at odds with that...I became a happier, peaceful person.

 

Some, I put strong boundaries around. Made boundaries for myself. Held myself accountable to ME.

 

I find those that seek out that "happiness" really don't like themselves much. They are forever looking to find it in other things or people. They test those people to see if they are still worthy. Their whole sense of self is tied to others.

 

Self respect. If one starts there...self esteem and self worth follow natural.

 

 

A little FYI....that MM has no answers/key to why you have betrayed yourself/husband/family. Those reside inside you. You will need silence to hear yourself....not more noise.

[whichwayisup]

Keep posting, grow a thick skin and continue being honest on here. Sure, some may be rude to you and say not nice things, ignore those posts. Focus on advice that (may be harsh) helpful. Even if it's stuff you may not want to hear, it is still helpful.

 

Kudos to you for opening up, and I hope soon you reach your enough is enough phase and end your affair. It seems you've not reached your rock bottom yet and maybe not suffered major consequences for your actions/choices. Though losing friends and some family (or them distancing themselves from you) is hurtful and hopefully an eye opener for you to wake up and work hard with your counseling to 'fix you' and be the wife and person you're meant to be.

 

You're probably not really that happy and not proud of what you've done/are doing. You can stop at any time, just don't let fears get in the way.

 

Please go read some threads in the infidelity section to help you understand more, then maybe you'll reconsider and allow your H to tell MM's wife.

[lovinDKT3]

I spent a lot of money to learn what I'm about to tell you.

 

When you hear people say the AP is like a drug its so very true. Oddly it isn't really the AP as much as it is the A. I could have easily had my affair with any number of men there was really nothing special about the one I actually picked.

 

I would be down, feeling horrible in my life in general. Then I would get a text or call or send a text or make a call then I felt better. Just talking to him made me feel better. I didn't understand why at the time. You see, it was the only time during that period of my life I was honest. AP knew about my husband, husband didn't know about him, he knew about my kids, my issues I had in my marriage, or with husbands travels being away 20-25 days a month. He knew it all. I had no guilt with him, no shame, no feeling like a failure.

 

When I was with husband and family, I was filled with guilt, shame, failure and just down. I couldn't be honest with my husband, I couldn't confide in those closest to me. All I had was AP. I didn't see how one was because of the other cause and affect if you will. I just didn't see the connection.

 

I simply couldn't feel good about myself with anyone other then AP. My husband would say "lovin you look great today" I would think things like, he has to say that I'm his wife. Those same words mean sooo much more coming from AP. Why? Because I couldnt stand for my husband to compliment me. It just drove home the fact that I was f**king up.

 

Finally it dawned on me, with the AP I was open and honest. I felt free of expectations and responsibility. I didn't fear letting him down, him being dissappointed in me had very little impact on me. It was like being a teenager, careless and free. It also was the cause of me being a total wreak when I was with those people that had expectations of me. Couple that with the guilt and shame how could I feel happy with my husband. I was living in a prison of my own making.

 

Ending the affair was hard in the sense that it was my only outlet, my only injection of happiness. I did know that I wasn't "in love" with him. I still felt very much in love with my husband and OMG was I still very much physically attracted to my husband. The guilt and shame kept me from showing this. The fear of what he would think of me kept me from confessing. It also ended in divorce.

 

This got much longer then I intended, its late and I'm tried sorry for any mistakes.

[torn87]

I have thought about ending my affair for awhile but have been hesitant despite the fact that I myself am married but thankfully between my therapy and this forum I'm feeling better and better about making the NC move a permanent reality. Does anyone have any tips on an easy way to be let down I know I shouldn't worry about his feelings I really am trying to concentrate on what's best for me and my husband but I don't have to be callous in the process (any more than I already have been) I just really don't want to make the MOM feel like so many others on this forum used unimportant betrayed and lied to ...I know I can't control his actions or feelings but I'm just not sure how to be gentle about this but it needs to be done regardless

[eye of the storm]

Torn, how about the truth. You can tell him that you have felt bad about what the two of you are doing to your spouses. You went to therapy to find out why you were cheating on your husband. While in therapy you have decided to refocus on your marriage. Tell him you are sorry. But be firm.

 

You and he both are doing something self destructive and harmful to others. You are now taking responsibility for your part. He may or may not be on board with that.

 

Be fully prepared for him to beg, threaten, and act out. I hope it goes well.

[lovinDKT3]

Stop making excuses. You have been callous towards your husband for the duration of this affair. He is a married man, you are a married woman. The two of you have been engaged in something that is wrong, you owe him nothing.

 

I know the feeling, your hiding your desire to maintain some level of contact. Maybe one more meeting where he may choose you. If you just have to communicate the ending then write him an email with the help of your husband (since he knows of the affair, right?).

 

Your almost there, but getting there and stay away for good has to be done with being 100% honest. No rationalizing a reason to meet or communicate. No reason to seek closure. Doing these things are excuses, throwing the affair a lifeline.

 

Re-focus on your marriage with an open heart. Don't allow yourself to compare your husband.

 

Its not easy, I failed at NC 5 or 6 times. It wasn't until losing my husband was real that I was able to commit to NC. Why? Because I made excuses, I kept giving the A CPR. I used the FRIENDS only stuff. I used the closure, I used explaining to him why it had to end. All of it ended with continued communication.

 

Stop making excuses. You can do this if you commit to it, if its what you want. Then you have to do the work. Start breaking down your life, find out why you felt it was ok to do this, do the work. You can do it.

[AlwaysGrowing]

There are lots of sites that offer sample NC letters.

[Poppy47]

I think the etiquette is to be honest, firm and look after your own needs.

I am sure he would look after himself and his family way ahead of you.

 

Be committed to NC in every way.

 

Poppy

[Darren Steez]

Do you owe him anything more than you owe your husband?

 

Let's say your husband knew now and you saw the pain and heartbreak in his face would that be motivation enough?

 

You're thinking about your duty of care to your OM when it should be towards your husband.

 

You can start making a change for the better. Be authentic. You don't owe the OM a courtesy of an explanation, only to make sure that you and your husband have a fighting chance to save this marriage.

[gettingstronger]

I understand your need to try and make this smooth for all involved, but I do not think this is reality. The need to minimize the damage is understandable but I think that balance would be very difficult to achieve.

 

I think you have to do it in a way you feel good about and not worry about how your AP will take it. If you truly want to do right by your marriage than whats good for your marriage needs to be your primary focus.

 

Write a firm NC letter and stick to it. Go to therapy to work on yourself. Do not give in to missing your AP and reaching out. Don't try to fix or soothe him while also trying to work on your marriage.

 

Good luck and I am glad you have made a decision one way or another-

[whichwayisup]

I have thought about ending my affair for awhile but have been hesitant despite the fact that I myself am married but thankfully between my therapy and this forum I'm feeling better and better about making the NC move a permanent reality. Does anyone have any tips on an easy way to be let down I know I shouldn't worry about his feelings I really am trying to concentrate on what's best for me and my husband but I don't have to be callous in the process (any more than I already have been) I just really don't want to make the MOM feel like so many others on this forum used unimportant betrayed and lied to ...I know I can't control his actions or feelings but I'm just not sure how to be gentle about this but it needs to be done regardless

 

The obvious reason why the A has to end is it's selfish and unfair to the people whom you both are married to.

 

Do not get into a long emotional email. Just say that it's time to say goodbye and wish him the best in life. No need to rehash the past, dive into emotional feelings and express them. keep it simple and short and remember your H comes first now not (ex)MM.

[jellybean89]

Are you in NC? How are things going?

[Friskyone4u]

You seem more concerned about the feelings of your AP than what your husband will feel if he finds out about your affair. If you are really committed in trying to repair your marriage, you should not give a hoot about your sex buddy.

What you should do but won't is confess to your husband and risk the consequences because if he ever finds out later it will be worse. But you know if you do that your affair will really be over with no chance to start up again.

Your thought process does not bode well for your marriage because you have no respect for your husband or you would not keep him clueless. And please spare everyone the crap about not wanting to hurt him by telling him

[Zigoto2]

Exactly what I'm wondering! What will you do if confronted by your husband? He's the one you loved enough to marry. He's the one you lie to every day. He's the one you are hurting the most. What will you do when you see, first hand, the expression of pain on his face?

[MuddyRock]

but it still need to figure out why I did this what the hell is it he gives me that made me feel like it was worth risking everything I have and have worked so hard to achieve and that bothers me the most and in the meantime .

 

 

Look, you're making more of this then you need to. You got attention and validation. That's it. Your self asteem is solow and your empathy so tiny that this was a good idea. Just stop, right now. Pick up the phone and call his wife and tell her. That is the first step in the right direction. It will be hard but it is a almost a guarantee that he will never want to talk to you again.

 

 

Some people just truly have no self control and blow in the wind at the whim of hormones and the endorphones on an affair. You are stronger then you know. You can stop this.

 

 

You do not have to continue to talk to this guy "to figure out what he gives you your husband doesn't" Trust me with that distraction gone it will be way easier to find your answer.

[GypsumSatellite]

You may never have a direct confrontation. She may just call your phone. You don't have to answer. You don't have to answer any letter or email sent to you. You don't have to talk to her if she approaches you face to face. There is very little insight you can give a BS about the A their partner is having with you and you can decline to talk.

 

With that said, it can be kind to return the communications. It can be decent to offer up what you know to corroborate a hurting BS of the entire web of lies. It could also be an invitation into violence or revenge. One never knows how another person will react when faced with the deepest hurt of their lives.

[torn87]

I have gone no contact its been a while but I'm trying to concentrate on my husband and out families especially with the holidays coming up. My husband knows about the affair and knew I was still seeing the affair partner my husband actually helped me write my NC letter. I still miss my affair partner very much but I find the times I think about him the most or am tempted to check our secret FB account is when I'm bored at work.

[bambiwboone]

I can honestly say it's an interesting moment. I have spoken to the wife several times. She is as brainwashed as I. I actually admire her ability to hold her **** together so well. I am an emotional roller coaster and I usually snap before she does. She has yet to call me any names but fast to blame me for all. I use to apolagize but I find it pointless at this point as both her and I have become willing game players of this mess.

[bambiwboone]

Are they really that happy? Whats up with the feed full of quotes...uggh.

[Versailles]

Just to answer your original question on how to deal with the MM's wife, it really depends on what kind of relationship they have and her character, but essentially she will feel betrayed and sad and angry. It's just how she chooses to deal with these feelings.

 

It could range from zero communication from her to her stalking you with murderous intent. You can decide how to deal with her and talk to her based on how you and the MM intend to continue/stop the relationship with the MM. Again, this could range from the "I'm sorry, I will never see him again" to "I'm gonna fight you for him".

 

His answer of telling you to tell her that you love him isn't enough. What would he do about your relationship is the key, is he going to stick with you or drop you to appease his wife? Plus whatever he says now in the hypothetical scenario might not actually happen if/when the real scenario happens...

 

I can share with you my scenarios of what I would do if H had another woman he was serious about and what I would say to my MM's wife. To H's serious other woman, I would tell her she can have him and I hope she doesn't end up like me because how H treats his wife is not something I would wish on another woman. I would exit gracefully and thank her for convincing him to go through with D else he wouldnt do so on his own. Hmm I would only ask that out of courtesy, could she give me a week or so to move out and not bother me at all during that week. After that, she's welcome to move in.

 

To my MM's wife, I would apologize profusely but tell her that I really love him and he means the world to me. And I know it's wrong but could I please continue seeing him and I promise not to intrude into her life, she need never see me again. She can continue her current lifestyle and keep him as her legal husband. I won't ask him for any of their assets and I won't interrupt their time with their son. All I want is to be able to continue being with him and growing old together with him. I would be willing to respect her as his wife and I will try my best to obey her orders if she has any specific request concerning him. Of course any normal woman would just tell me WTH, get out of my life... But yes, that's basically along the lines of what I would say.