What's up with these guys?!

[NordicBlonde]

After the blow off from J (on another thread), I feel rejected and extremely confused cause this guy acted very interested in me.

 

I posted about the guy I met at a Meetup masquerade ball who took me on a wonderful date, took me to dinner and bought a ton of food, brought me toffee from his biz trip to Europe, said he wanted to see me again. I mentioned that I wanted to go to a Halloween party tonight at a nice venue and he said he'd take me (his son runs the place). I don't hear from him for 2 WEEKS!! Not a text or call. So I decide to make other plans and invite some girlfriends to go to different venues with me tonight. Out of the blue this guy finally calls a couple of days ago, I missed his calls so I texted him back. I told him we were coming to his venue tonight and I was looking forward to seeing him and asked him the details. He arranged NOTHING for me. He didn't reserve a table or tickets!! Not even a discount! I was shocked since he could have easily done this! I'm so upset I don't even want to go, but my girlfriends might.

 

Meanwhile, 3 new guys messaged me on Meetup, complimented me, told me they wanted to meet me. One guy, a handsome restauranteur, took me out for a glass of wine last Monday night. He acted very interested and flirted with me, said he wanted to see me again. I said the same. He texted me that night that it was great to meet me and he hopes to see me soon. I texted him back the next morning that I really enjoyed talking to him. I haven't heard from him all week, either! So far he RSVP'ed for the event tonight and I'm hoping he won't bail, too.

 

Another guy messaged, "Hi" about a month ago. I ignored it cause I think it's lame. But one of my friends said that some guys do that to see if you're interested. So I replied to him, and he immediately replied, complimented, said he wanted to take me out. I will reply to him today.

 

Another guy sent me a message, "Hey what r u up to" which I also think is lame, but I replied. He asked where I was going tonight, and so far he's RSVP'ed, and I hope he doesn't bail.

 

My girlfriend and I went to a lounge to listen to music and we were getting hit on by a lot of guys, several took our phone numbers, none of them called or texted.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but if a guy acts interested in you and flirts, and you show interest in return and flirt, they want to be around you, in the same room with you, call you, text you, send you FB messages, whatever, right?

 

I go out A LOT and put myself out there because I'm looking for a real relationship, and many men stare at me, many have asked for my number, I get enough attention, but nothing has happened of substance.

 

I have girlfriends who have guys that stick to them like gum on shoes. But my guys seem flakey, lukewarm, wishy washy.

 

I've been working on being less aloof and encouraging these guys quite a bit, but maybe I am overdoing it? I don't think so cause I don't hover or initiate.

 

What am I doing wrong?

[Ready2DateAgain]

Hi,Well I'm single and would like to get to know what these guys are missing out on.

[NordicBlonde]

Hi,Well I'm single and would like to get to know what these guys are missing out on.

 

This is why I feel so confused.

 

Tonight I'm going out with 3 of my girlfriends. They are gorgeous, fit, talented, smart, sexy, great careers, fun, outgoing, classy, flirtatious, sweet, long hair, affectionate, kind, loving. And we're all single. LOL! Our Halloween costumes are so adorable!! We got plenty of "likes" and comments on FB.

 

Not to sound cynical or negative, but I already know what will happen tonight--we'll get a lot of attention, guys hitting on us, asking for our phone numbers, people taking pictures with us like the other night, and then NOTHING...LOL They act like they're very interested, then they disappear. I don't understand why a warm-blooded man with a pulse would pass that up? LOL!

[Ready2DateAgain]

This is why I feel so confused.

 

Tonight I'm going out with 3 of my girlfriends. They are gorgeous, fit, talented, smart, sexy, great careers, fun, outgoing, classy, flirtatious, sweet, long hair, affectionate, kind, loving. And we're all single. LOL! Our Halloween costumes are so adorable!! We got plenty of "likes" and comments on FB.

 

Not to sound cynical or negative, but I already know what will happen tonight--we'll get a lot of attention, guys hitting on us, asking for our phone numbers, people taking pictures with us like the other night, and then NOTHING...LOL They act like they're very interested, then they disappear. I don't understand why a warm-blooded man with a pulse would pass that up? LOL!

 

Well you're sure meeting all the wrong men,get to know a man who really wants something serious and would love to open a door or two for you on a 1st date.Where do you reside ? By the way friend me on facebook I would like to toss in a comment and a like on those costumes you sexy thang you

[NYCGuy80]

Hi Nordic,

 

I'm going to wager a guess that you are an attractive woman who is clearly intelligent, thoughtful, caring and emotionally stable. I also think that you are not a needy person and like myself, you probably give your all to someone when you like them and are not looking for someone to just validate you but rather for someone to join you in enjoying life and one another's company. (I can go on about how I figured this out from your posts but as I said, we are very similar). Sadly, I agree with the other guy that you are not meeting the right people in the right places. Someone as rare as you (based on my assumption of your personality) needs a confident man who, like yourself, is not just looking to fill a void or validate neediness. You need someone who is also stable emotionally and is ready to accept and appreciate you for all you have to offer. I'm sure I'll get some hate for this, but meetups are not the place you will find someone like this, as imo they facilitate introducing people, and that caters to men who don't necessarily have the confidence to carry on talking to you after this first introduction. Now believe me, I get your frustration. I too have felt like giving up, it's only normal when after so long you can't find someone to start building a relationship with. Regardless of that fact, don't give up. It's not you. It's normal to be analytical and honestly that shows me your intellectual and emotional maturity. Simply said, you care enough about forging a meaningful relationship that you will even self reflect as to what the issue is. (Ironically, why can I never find someone with those qualities? )

 

Trust me, you will find that guy who appreciates, respects and even loves the person you are. It just takes time. Until you do you will meet plenty of people who can barely handle their own issues long enough to realize how great of a person is standing right in front of them, smiling back from the bar.

 

I would love to tell you about my misadventure tonight but as my date is a public figure I will not start a new post out of respect for who she is. (Regardless of how dull and "validate me" she may be. Is there a way to private message on this board? If so, I would love to get your advice as well.

 

Take care, NYC

[OwMyEyeball]

What's the rush?

[Bumpin in My Trunk]

So have you checked to see how you act? Maybe you tell these men that you enjoyed their dates but maybe you did it too coldly or with not enough enthusiasm? Most guys will bail if they see a woman isn't returning the interest.

 

I myself am a little more persistent. I don't really give up the chase unless I get clear signals she doesn't want more from me.

 

 

And heeeey guess what? I'm single but at this moment I don't know what I want. I feel like I'm ready to go dating but I can't really commit to something serious yet. But nevertheless, just relax and don't try bars, meet ups, or clubs. Those places really just are for short term relationships.

[NordicBlonde]

Hi Nordic,

 

I'm going to wager a guess that you are an attractive woman who is clearly intelligent, thoughtful, caring and emotionally stable. I also think that you are not a needy person and like myself, you probably give your all to someone when you like them and are not looking for someone to just validate you but rather for someone to join you in enjoying life and one another's company. (I can go on about how I figured this out from your posts but as I said, we are very similar). Sadly, I agree with the other guy that you are not meeting the right people in the right places. Someone as rare as you (based on my assumption of your personality) needs a confident man who, like yourself, is not just looking to fill a void or validate neediness. You need someone who is also stable emotionally and is ready to accept and appreciate you for all you have to offer. I'm sure I'll get some hate for this, but meetups are not the place you will find someone like this, as imo they facilitate introducing people, and that caters to men who don't necessarily have the confidence to carry on talking to you after this first introduction. Now believe me, I get your frustration. I too have felt like giving up, it's only normal when after so long you can't find someone to start building a relationship with. Regardless of that fact, don't give up. It's not you. It's normal to be analytical and honestly that shows me your intellectual and emotional maturity. Simply said, you care enough about forging a meaningful relationship that you will even self reflect as to what the issue is. (Ironically, why can I never find someone with those qualities? )

 

Trust me, you will find that guy who appreciates, respects and even loves the person you are. It just takes time. Until you do you will meet plenty of people who can barely handle their own issues long enough to realize how great of a person is standing right in front of them, smiling back from the bar.

 

I would love to tell you about my misadventure tonight but as my date is a public figure I will not start a new post out of respect for who she is. (Regardless of how dull and "validate me" she may be. Is there a way to private message on this board? If so, I would love to get your advice as well.

 

Take care, NYC

 

YES!! This is a great assessment.

 

I have always been attracted to confidence!

 

I know what I want. I don't know what men want. LOL

 

Meetup has been great for making a lot more female friends. And yes, most men I've met are passive on Meetup. One guy is coming on strong, which I like, but we have nothing in common. I will post more on this later.

 

I don't know about the private messaging option? This would be great cause I'd really appreciate the feed back.

[NordicBlonde]

On Halloween, some guy was hanging around me for a long time. He took a lot of pictures of me and texted them. I thanked him and he sent me a smiley face. I never told him my name. Today I get a FB friend request from this guy and I don't know how he found me cause my phone number isn't on FB? So I looked through his FB and we don't really have a lot in common. I'm wondering if I should even confirm the request? I really don't need any more wishy washy guys hanging around the periphery waiting for me to ask them out. LOL

 

Some guys have sent me messages on Meetup asking to meet me. One guy came on really strong, said he wants to meet me for coffee, said I was beautiful, and he's really sweet. But then he complained that other women he messaged on Meetup were "talking to other guys" and he didn't like that. I'd prefer getting to know some of these Meetup guys in a group setting cause it seems that many of them hit on a lot of women and keep moving on to the next?

 

I got 2 FB friend requests today from guys I don't know who asked me out. Are these scammers? Do any of you experience this and what do you say?

 

I have to wonder if any of these guys are really interested, or if they're # collectors?

[Frank2thepoint]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but if a guy acts interested in you and flirts, and you show interest in return and flirt, they want to be around you, in the same room with you, call you, text you, send you FB messages, whatever, right?

 

I go out A LOT and put myself out there because I'm looking for a real relationship, and many men stare at me, many have asked for my number, I get enough attention, but nothing has happened of substance.

 

You are assuming that once a guy talks with you a little bit, flirts, asks for your number, that he is not assessing you and picking up on something subconscious about you. It could be your body language, could be the things you said.

 

 

I've been working on being less aloof and encouraging these guys quite a bit

 

And here is what it could be. You're working on being less aloof, but does not mean you are not aloof at all. The men probably pick up on this, hence why they don't follow up with you.

 

 

Tonight I'm going out with 3 of my girlfriends. They are gorgeous, fit, talented, smart, sexy, great careers, fun, outgoing, classy, flirtatious, sweet, long hair, affectionate, kind, loving. And we're all single. LOL! Our Halloween costumes are so adorable!! We got plenty of "likes" and comments on FB.

 

To give my frank opinion, majority of what you mentioned sounds superficial. It sounds like that is all you are emphasizing to the men you are meeting, but offering no real substance. You're not setting yourself apart from the other women (such as your three girlfriends) that would draw a man in and have him stay interested in you.

 

What are you conversations with the men? Do you delve into deep topics that enable both of you to get to know each other? Do you cover things that are important to you, since you are looking for a serious relationship? What are you doing to build a connection, set boundaries, and let these guys know you are not there to have your time wasted?

[NordicBlonde]

You are assuming that once a guy talks with you a little bit, flirts, asks for your number, that he is not assessing you and picking up on something subconscious about you. It could be your body language, could be the things you said.

 

And here is what it could be. You're working on being less aloof, but does not mean you are not aloof at all. The men probably pick up on this, hence why they don't follow up with you.

 

What are you conversations with the men? Do you delve into deep topics that enable both of you to get to know each other? Do you cover things that are important to you, since you are looking for a serious relationship? What are you doing to build a connection, set boundaries, and let these guys know you are not there to have your time wasted?

 

Frank, thanks for answering. I wish I had someone to observe me for a day to tell me what I'm doing right or wrong, because I really don't know? I feel I have SO MUCH to offer. Maybe the wrong guys are approaching me? Maybe I'm still putting up a wall? I don't know, and nobody will tell me. LOL

 

Met a guy on Halloween who acted laser focused on me, texted me some pics, friended me on FB...the end.

 

I have several guys texting, e-mailing, calling, and friending me, and I've had a couple of dates that don't get to a 2nd date. I don't even get a kiss goodnight!!

 

Aside from throwing myself at a man, which I won't do, I flirt like crazy, give them my number, friend them, ask them to call/text me, tell them I'd like to see them again, and nothing happens. I don't want to cross the line. I want these guys to at least meet me half way.

 

The difference between me and my 3 girlfriends is that I'm the only one looking for someone and haven't given up. Another difference between me and other girls I've seen when I'm out is that I'm not throwing myself at guys.

 

Yes I delve into deep topics! Many times guys' eyes glaze over when I do this. I have an interesting life and I can talk to anybody about anything, I'm extremely outgoing. So most of the time I either have guys tell me I'm out of their league, or I get the creepers who are desperate and have nothing to lose.

 

Lately when men ask me what I'm looking for, I feel like it's a trap/trick question. When I say I want a real relationship, they get nervous. When I say I want to date, they get nervous.

 

I don't have a problem with physical boundaries, but I'm meeting so many time wasters and # collectors. They are everywhere--Meetup, running errands, blind dates, on-line, FB, airports, restaurants, clubs. Maybe I spend too much time talking to them? Maybe I should cut it shorter? Like 20 minutes? I don't know...

 

There has to be some kind of BALANCE and MOMENTUM for me. I don't want something mauling me, and I don't want someone passive and dropping hints. Also, I need reciprocal communication and interest. Someone who contacts me once every few weeks is a turn off.

Some men act nervous around me. They turn their bodies away, then when I look away they STARE. Some men lean in a few inches from my body. I'm super friendly and flirty and outgoing, I don't wear a wedding ring. Do I need to wear a t-shirt that reads SINGLE AND LOOKING FOR A BOYFRIEND...? LOL

 

What I can't understand is why the men I don't like will not leave me alone, and the men I like aren't that into me?

 

It has to be something I'm doing, because I see so many people coupled up. I'm working on it, but I feel like I have a blind spot?

[OwMyEyeball]

You come across as desperate. Very desperate. You might not think that you do when you're out and about, but that doesn't mean you're not giving off those vibes.

 

If you're everything you claim to be - intelligent, classy, gorgeous, outgoing, and that whole bit - then you need to accept that you're part of an elite class. You're in the upper percentiles and have fewer men who can match across your criteria. It's going to take you more time than the average person to find a match because, quite simply, you've got a smaller pool to fish from.

 

Take your outings for what they are - enjoyable evenings with your friends. Focus on them, not yourself and all the guys in the room. Take in the night. Erase any expectations from your mind.

[NordicBlonde]

Mmm no, not desperate. Frustrated and confused. It's very easy to find someone, but very difficult to find someone you have a real connection and attraction. And these guys are giving me very mixed signals, acting nervous and saying I'm not interested in them and too aloof, so I'm trying to change that.

 

Almost all my friends are coupled up, some of them over the weekend! I don't want to be cuddling my pillows for the rest of my life.

[preraph]

Your mistake was trying to take him to his son's place. I'm sure every woman he knows, past and present, knows he might end up there and that it's not somewhere he's ready to take someone new on a date, knowing it could be really nuts for him there, in either a good or bad or both way!

[Frank2thepoint]

Yes I delve into deep topics! Many times guys' eyes glaze over when I do this.

 

Lately when men ask me what I'm looking for, I feel like it's a trap/trick question. When I say I want a real relationship, they get nervous. When I say I want to date, they get nervous.

 

The guys you are meeting are not looking for anything beyond a quick hookup. Since you accommodate them with lots of flirting, they think you are easy prey for a quick shag. As soon as you mention you want a serious relationship, they scoff.

 

So now you see what they do, you need to establish your boundary that you are not looking for a quick hookup. Don't give out your number so easily. Establish what you want first. Learn if what the guy wants aligns with you, then give out your number to them. Be a little more prudent.

 

 

Aside from throwing myself at a man, which I won't do, I flirt like crazy, give them my number, friend them, ask them to call/text me, tell them I'd like to see them again, and nothing happens.

 

This is another problem. I, as a man, from just reading this would think you want a quick, no strings attached, fling. You need to change your tactic. You should be flirting with a man that genuinely wants to get to know you and be with you. I recommend tweaking your approach a bit. Don't become completely closed off either.

 

Another thing that will help you is answering why do you want a relationship? What kind of man are you trying to attract, aside from him wanting a relationship, in order to be in a relationship with you? After you answer these, used those answers as a tool for avoiding the unwanted and setting your boundary.

[NYCGuy80]

 

I don't know about the private messaging option? This would be great cause I'd really appreciate the feed back.

 

Hey there. I plan to reply just been super busy the last few days, as I switched companies this week. I will try my best to get back to you in a day or two though if not sooner.

 

Anyway, check out the link on the top right of the page for premium membership. It's like $2.50 for a month. I signed up and should now be able to send a private message for feedback about my current situation. I'm just not sure if you need to join too, to receive them. If you sign up, shoot me a PM.

 

-NYC

[spiderowl]

If you're very pretty, which I suspect you are, and flirt like mad and give out your number easily, then I think these guys will either assume you are too pretty to consider them and are just being polite, or that you are used to casual hook-ups. If a guy is looking for a girl to take him seriously, he'll want to know she's selective and not trying to chat up every guy there that night.

 

You sound attractive enough and intelligent enough not to have to chase guys. They will know that, so if you do, they'll assume there's something wrong somewhere. I think you only need to be friendly and a little encouraging and basically genuine.