Will we get back together?

[flexie08]

Well if anyone has any advice on how I can get him back, then let me know. I don't need to hear how he is no good for me or how my situation is hard. I've been knowing that for a long time so I don't need to feel bad about it again. All I am looking for is advice to get him back.

[Simon Phoenix]

Well if anyone has any advice on how I can get him back, then let me know. I don't need to hear how he is no good for me or how my situation is hard. I've been knowing that for a long time so I don't need to feel bad about it again. All I am looking for is advice to get him back.

 

There's nothing you can do. It's completely up to him. All you can do is drive him away by continuing to pressure him. But there's no magic button you can push to manipulate someone into loving you and coming back to you. That's something that they need to do for themselves without your interference. Reconciliation isn't a process like changing oil in your car -- there's no set process that will produce a definite result.

 

The best thing you can do is leave him be and work on yourself. Move forward. If he chooses to come after you, then you'll be in a better state of mind to decide if you want that. But if you are looking for ways to trick and manipulate him into changing his mind, you aren't going to find any success. Just pain, confusion, and anger.

[lawbstar]

To be completely honest with you Flexie, I agree with what Simon Phoenix said. You have to focus on yourself right now. Your best chance of getting back together with your ex is by pretending like he is not in your life at all anymore.

 

I know it may sound counterintuitive, but believe me, my ex broke up with me almost 3 weeks ago. For the first week, I could not stop trying to contact her, but she would not pick up my calls. Then, I stopped contacting her for a little over a week after. It was really hard not picking up the phone and dialing her number, but I did get to think more about myself, what I deserve and what I want. Then, while I was feeling really low, I was just looking through loveshack forums on how to deal with my emotions, and I found the advice that I just gave you. Then, an hour after that, my ex texted me, it was the first time she contacted me since the breakup.

 

Do keep in mind though, don't go NC with your ex expecting to hear from him. He will call if it was meant to be. For now, just focus on yourself.

[flexie08]

Thank you for the advice. I know I need to focus more on myself. I mean since we officially broke up we have talked and he has told me he loves me and been sweet to me. Lately though, he has been more distant. I understand what everyone is saying but I am very emotional and just need support. I don't mean to be rude to anyone and I agree it is extremely hard not hearing from him but I hope he calls or talks to me soon. The last time he tried to call was 2 days ago but I was at work so I couldn't answer. I am hoping that is a good sign and I am getting somewhere with him. I can't help but love him so much. I just hope things get better for us and that he misses me and loves me too.

 

And did you get your ex back lawbstar? How is your communication now?

[lawbstar]

I don't want to sound harsh or anything, but I am sure that if he really loves you, then he does miss you. I think it would be best trying not to think about it though. Because you are sure you love him and it just sounds like he is in control of whether you two get back together or not, so it would not benefit you by just waiting here for him. Make sure you keep yourself busy.

 

With my ex, I am not really sure what to say. We met up for dinner yesterday, and things were very different. I acted different because we were not together. It was very weird not hugging her or kissing her. We did not talk about anything serious. There was only small talk. However, she is a little more open to talking to me now. I called her earlier today too, and she picked up, so we talked for a little bit. However, I feel like after having seen her, I may have taken a step back from my recovery because the urge to want to be with her and contact her is a lot stronger now, but I am unsure of what she wants to do. I feel like I have more hope for us getting back together now, but that scares me because I don't know what I would do if we do not get back together then. Seeing her so soon and before anything else happened might not have been the best idea for me.

[flexie08]

Yeah I get what you mean. That's how my ex and I were a couple weeks ago. I haven't spoken to him in 5 days so it's been different and awful. I just wish I knew how to get inside his head. He can be hard to figure out and I just wish he would talk to me. Things used to be so good and I know we can get back there. I know he has things he needs to take care of but I hope he comes back for me like he has said he would before. He's like my other half.

[lawbstar]

How long have things not been normal between you and your ex?

 

I feel the same about my ex. A lot of the times she does not tell me how she feels. She was never used to sharing too many of her emotions with me, but when she dumped me, it was almost out of the blue. I don't know if I can get back to where we were with my ex, but I hope we can. After having seen her yesterday, I feel like I want to call her before I sleep just to talk to her for a little bit. I know what you mean by him being your other half. I just don't feel the same at all after the break up.

[flexie08]

Well things have been on and off for a few months. Like he has tried to break up with me quite a bit before but in the same day we always managed to work things out and he said he just couldn't leave me. Our longest break up before this one was like 4 days and I was really needy during that one but within the next few days he was saying he loves me and things were ok. It's just when he has a lot going on he will distance himself and say he doesn't want this anymore. That's part of the reason why I think he could be bipolar or have some kind of mental illness but I am not positive with that. He doesn't handle stress well and freaks out when things aren't going how he wants. This is the most serious break up we've had and he always promised me he wouldn't break my heart and that he would come back to me when things are taken care of. He always changes what he says though so it's hard to know when he's serious. He said he bought me stuff before we broke up too so I'm confused. He said he would "hold on to it" but that was like 3 weeks ago. I don't know, I'm just trying to be ok but he's such a big part of my life.

 

And yeah I think that is why I am feeling the way I am too. After seeing that he called me on Tuesday and I wasn't able to pick up made me upset and made me feel like I missed my chance or something. My friend says he will call me again. But it's always like whenever I hear from him even if it's just for a bit I get back to being an emotional wreck after I don't hear from him again for a few days.

[lawbstar]

It sure sounds like you two have been through a lot. Hang in there! I am sure you will be end up being fine with whatever happens! My ex and I had plenty of fights before too, and we also had some small breakups that we would fix on the same day. However, when she broke up with me last time, it was just out of the blue, and we did not fix it right away. Try not to think too much about what you cannot control, like what he may have bought you.

 

I know exactly how you feel about missed opportunities. When my ex texted me a few days ago, I was so happy that she finally contacted me. I reacted pretty quickly, but now that I think about it, I probably over did it. Either way, you did not miss your chance. If he will be coming back for you, you will get another chance . I also understand how you feel about being an emotional wreck. I think I am somewhat there now. My ex used to always want to talk to me every night before she went to sleep, and I would want to do that too. After one of our fights, I did not call her for a weekend, then she ended up coming to my house on the Sunday and apologizing to me and making up. However, now that we have gone through 3 weeks without much contact. I feel like I have lost my identity. However, hang in there Flexie! You're not alone!

[flexie08]

Yeah I'm trying to not think much about it. Luckily I have a good friend who has been helping me a lot and supporting my decision. But yeah we definitely have been through a lot. I think of it all the time and I invested so much of my life into him. I know that's not always the best thing to do but we got serious pretty quick. We were very passionate. But yeah I'm trying not to worry, it's just hard because that's always been an issue of mine even though it doesn't really help. I hope things can get better for you and your ex as well though. You seem like a nice guy and if she valued your relationship at all during the time you were together, I know she misses you too. And thank you for your advice and support, it is nice knowing people want to help and be there for me.

[lawbstar]

Friends are a great way to release your emotions somewhat. I have one good friend who I tell everything to too. She gives me advice, and even though I do not always agree with what she says, it is nice to get someone else's perspective on things. Also, I also worry about pretty much everything. However, one quote that I really like is that you should not worry about things that you cannot control. There is no sense in that because worrying about things that may make you suffer is worse than the suffering itself, so hang in there and you'll make it through!

 

Thank you for your kind words and wishes for me. I am conflicted about whether I really want to be back with my ex or not. As of now, I feel like I may not be ready to be back with her since I do not understand why she left. However, if she comes back to me and begs for me, I cannot imagine myself saying no, so right now, I am just trying to stay NC, but I don't think I will be able to ignore her if she contacts me.

[flexie08]

That's awesome Yeah I am hoping things turn around for both of us. I can see you really love her. Friends are definitely an essential part that help you, I just wish I had more. I really don't have anyone to rely on for support and if I do they will just be rude or not really care about my feelings or what I am going through and they will say to just get over it. My parents are no help either which is why i don't talk to them much about these kinds of things. I just wish I was irresistible to my ex like I used to be. I feel like he talks to me only when I initiate contact but I don't know, he is so on and off, I just wish I knew what to do to make him chase me like crazy. I am already in no contact but I don't know how much longer that will work and if it is the best strategy for us. I can't think of anything else and since he can't see me on Facebook, I don't know how I can show him a confident, better side of me. Ugh this is so hard.

Edited November 9, 2014 by flexie08

[Tabitha87]

I definitely think he has insecurity issues. I don't know a bunch about bi-polar disorder but I suppose it could be possible too. I believe he's got insecurities though because of him having said that if you happen to find someone better, you should be with them as he likely doesn't feel good enough for you (or possibly anyone else either at this point).

 

Also, him questioning you about who you were speaking with is another reason I think thst as well. If he was secure about himself and that you love him, he wouldn't be worried about who you were talking to at any hour of the day, especially since you're not dating anymore.

 

I don't believe manipulation is the best way of getting him back as that often has a way of backfiring. Being the best person you know how to be and constantly working on your self esteem, IMO, is the best way to get a person back. It's difficult (some say even impossible) to love someone else before you learn to love yourself & it certainly doesn't help them love you any if YOU barely even know your own worth.

 

I highly recommend that you try this.. Get a pen & paper and write at least one thing that you either like, love &/or dislike about yourself. You can do it everyday, every other, once a week etc., but the idea is to write it down so that you actually have to; 1. Think about yourself in an admirable way. 2. Realize what you think your strengths and weaknesses are. 3. See what things that YOU feel could you improvement. 4. Get to know YOURSELF better.

 

For the good traits & strengths you have, you can either choose to leave it be since you were able to identify them or you choose to make a plan of how you want to portray them. For the weeknesses and bad traits you feel you have, the idea is devise a plan of how you can correct and/or improve them.

 

When you start off, I recommend doing just one at a time and setting a realistic time/goal you intend to achieve your results, otherwise you may overwhelm yourself.

[flexie08]

Yeah he definitely is an insecure person but he will never admit that. My friend says I shouldn't be worried but I still am. I love him very much but yeah I agree about the manipulation. I just want him to see what he is losing possibly. I am currently trying to work on myself and it is hard but I hope it gets easier each day. That is a good idea about the list. I will try it for sure. Thanks for your help

[Tabitha87]

I get that it's hard & all you want to do is slap them & wake them up to see what's in front of them, but trying to trick them really isn't goinh to work.

 

The best thing you can do for yourself and possibly the relationship is to work on yourself. Learn how to love yourself and make YOURSELF happy. Learn to be more confident etc.

 

It's NOT going to happen over night, but with some hard work and real effort, it will. And, if doesn't work out with him, you'll be ready for the next guy and have more to offer to someone who will likely appreciate you for the person you are & have become.

[flexie08]

Thanks again. Yeah I've been reading a lot of books to do with self help. They do help but I never thought I could love someone as much as him. I miss him so much.