What to expect?

[winterpast]

You may be able to read my previous threads to get a better backstory.

 

In a nutshell, my Husband is an angry, bitter person at life. He constantly acts recklessly with his driving and interactions with others. He constantly talks about wanting to get into a fight or hurt someone. I'm unable to feel safe around him due to his constant anger and lashing out at me. He has not been physically abusive but I don't trust him not to be in the future. He has recently started punching things in his sleep and it's always been inches from my face everytime.

 

I want to leave and divorce him. I have a three-year-old son. I am going to school and stay at home with our child. I have been a stay-at-home mom for three years. I left my job to save money on childcare.

 

Previous times I have mentioned divorce, he has threatened to "go to war" with me and drain all the accounts and fight for 100% sole custody. This would scare me before and I would back down. I can't live like this anymore though.

 

I'm not interested in staying in the house or keeping it. My parents have offered a place for me to stay.

 

My main question is, will I be forced to live with him during the divorce or can I move out?

 

I have a consult with a lawyer on Friday.

 

Thanks

[Ronni_W]

winterpast,

I AM hoping that your location 'TN' is Tennessee, US. And then, I would stongly suspect that you cannot be "forced" into any situation in which you do not, of your free will, desire to be.

That is, based on the assumptions that I just made, yes, you can move out from your matrimonial home whenever you please. If there is any concern about property or 'rights' abandonment, please do Google first, for your specific jurisdiction. If you belong to any group, faith or otherwise, ask trusted members.

 

Or, call that lawyer with whom you already have an appointment, and see if she or he is willing to at least put your mind at ease about this. (If not, you may want to cancel that appointment and keep phoning until you find someone who WILL do that. This is also your way of choosing the attorney who actually gives a shyte about YOU, beyond just billable hours.)

 

In any case, if you decide that you cannot bear it in this situation any longer, then just go to the love and protection of your parents...or ANY people who love you, really... and worry about all the rest of it at some later time.

 

Hugs and best.

Edited November 1, 2014 by Ronni_W

[Mr. Lucky]

Previous times I have mentioned divorce, he has threatened to "go to war" with me and drain all the accounts and fight for 100% sole custody. This would scare me before and I would back down. I can't live like this anymore though.

 

Even if his anger is all bark and no bite it sounds like a stressful way to live.

 

How far away are you parents? Would your H still be able to see his son?

 

Mr. Lucky

[jakrbbt]

Isn't it ironic that the guy you should stay married to is the guy you wouldn't be afraid to divorce, because he'd behave reasonably and honorably through the process. But if you're afraid to divorce someone, you should be even more afraid to remain married to him. But you already know that.

 

I can't imagine why you'd be forced to live with him. I moved out of my home with an extremely surly and passive-aggressive and retaliatory husband (also angry like yours, also going for sole custody)-- I simply told him that I was moving out and that we had to get a parenting plan because I wouldn't be physically out of the house until we had one. He "agreed" to one, plenty of drama to follow, but the point is, if there'd been a way to force me to stay, he'd have done it. He would have surely squatted if I had filed for divorce and asked him to move out instead.

 

Surround yourself with trusted friends and several professionals who can guide you through this-- not just your lawyer. Do you have health insurance as a student? One of the best things I've done is I've gotten in to see a family therapist who specialized in children my son's age. She's helping me as much as him. I'm also seeing the pediatrician, day care providers, and a therapist regularly. People like that, lean on them, because they can help you see the path to health and a good future for you and your son. Moreover, with their input, the steps you'll take will be reasonable and you'll show the court that you're doing what's in the best interest of your son. You will feel insecure and anxious about every little thing, because you have a retaliatory bully ex who will use scare tactics and who has conditioned you to think only of "How will he react?" There's a giant specter of him in your brain. Once you've moved out, it'll shrink, and all the old stuff you used to love and think about will come pouring back in like sunshine. Sure, he'll be retaliatory and you'll be anxious. But it won't be like now-- you will handle it better if not living with him.

[winterpast]

Even if his anger is all bark and no bite it sounds like a stressful way to live.

 

How far away are you parents? Would your H still be able to see his son?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

My parents live in the same town as us. He would still be able to see our son even though he says he won't be able to because he "works so much"

 

He told me about a month ago when we had our last huge blow up, that he didn't like me as a person. He said that he thought we had a good arrangement though and acted like that was one of the reasons why he didn't want to separate. The arrangement he stated was "I make the money and you take care of everything else".

Basically, he wants to be able to work as much as he wants, go to and from as he pleases and not have to worry about anything involving childcare or keeping up the house. He literally just goes to work and then sleeps and goes back to work. If I don't have dinner made and sitting in the fridge for him then he will just simply not eat. He refuses to make food for himself and then moans about being hungry.

 

He's mentioned not having time to divorce because of how much he works. He gets upset when I mention getting a lawyer and that's when he threatens "going to war" with me, he just thinks we can get a divorce without one.

 

I don't know if I can get health insurance as a student. I'm 29 so I don't know if that makes a difference. I know that just being married to someone for those things in exchange for all the drama isn't worth it anymore.

[oldshirt]

 

Previous times I have mentioned divorce, he has threatened to "go to war" with me and drain all the accounts and fight for 100% sole custody. This would scare me before and I would back down. I can't live like this anymore though.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is a confusing and upsetting time for you but let's be realistic and keep things in perspective. The last thing a man like this wants around is a small child.

 

He is just saying that to be mean to you and to keep you under his thumb through fear and intimidation.

 

Want to test my theory? Ask him nicely to babysit for an entire evening while you help your folks with something or go out with friends or do something at school etc and see how he reacts.

 

Then you tell me if this is a man that will "go to war" for custody of a child.

[oldshirt]

My parents live in the same town as us. He would still be able to see our son even though he says he won't be able to because he "works so much"

 

He told me about a month ago when we had our last huge blow up, that he didn't like me as a person. He said that he thought we had a good arrangement though and acted like that was one of the reasons why he didn't want to separate. The arrangement he stated was "I make the money and you take care of everything else".

Basically, he wants to be able to work as much as he wants, go to and from as he pleases and not have to worry about anything involving childcare or keeping up the house. He literally just goes to work and then sleeps and goes back to work. If I don't have dinner made and sitting in the fridge for him then he will just simply not eat. He refuses to make food for himself and then moans about being hungry.

 

He's mentioned not having time to divorce because of how much he works. He gets upset when I mention getting a lawyer and that's when he threatens "going to war" with me, he just thinks we can get a divorce without one.

 

I don't know if I can get health insurance as a student. I'm 29 so I don't know if that makes a difference. I know that just being married to someone for those things in exchange for all the drama isn't worth it anymore.

 

Ok another reality check - if you are serious about wanting to get a divorce, you are going to have to stop talking to him about divorce and stop seeking his approval and assistance in getting one. If you want to get one, you are just going to have to go out and get it yourself without his approval and without him being a cooperative little kitty cat.

 

He's being honest with you. He doesn't love you or yearn for a loving home and family with you. He wants a live-in maid and cook and child are provider than is only costing him some food and hygiene products. You haven't said it but I assume you drain his dick every now and then too so he is likely also keeping you around for that as well (and if he isn't, that means he's getting that taken care of elsewhere. Probably while he is at "work" )

 

He doesn't want to divorce because if you divorce, even if you get custody, he will still have to have the kid every other weekend by himself and I doubt if he wants to mess with that.

 

It's not in his interests to divorce so you are going to have to do it yourself.

 

My suggestion is to secretly start circling your wagons and start gathering support from your family and friends and start coming up with a safe place to stay and have a roof over your head and food in your bellies.

 

Start working with a lawyer to address these issues of insurance, custody, property and asset division etc etc and come up with a sound and detailed game plan.

 

Then move out while he is at work and have him served with the papers after you are safely settled into a secure location where he can't get you or take your son to hold as a hostage to get you to drop the divorce.

 

You are going to have to grow up and grow some brass ovaries here. This is not going to be easy and he is not going to hand you anything on a silver platter without a fight. You are therefor going to have to do everything under the shroud of secrecy so everything is in place and you catch him flat footed in the opening salvo and have in on defensive from start to finish.

 

All battles are won or lost before the first shot is ever fired.

 

You knew he was like this when you married him so it is pure delusion and fantasy to think that he is going to turn nice and accommodating now.

[winterpast]

Ok another reality check - if you are serious about wanting to get a divorce, you are going to have to stop talking to him about divorce and stop seeking his approval and assistance in getting one. If you want to get one, you are just going to have to go out and get it yourself without his approval and without him being a cooperative little kitty cat.

 

He's being honest with you. He doesn't love you or yearn for a loving home and family with you. He wants a live-in maid and cook and child are provider than is only costing him some food and hygiene products. You haven't said it but I assume you drain his dick every now and then too so he is likely also keeping you around for that as well (and if he isn't, that means he's getting that taken care of elsewhere. Probably while he is at "work" )

 

He doesn't want to divorce because if you divorce, even if you get custody, he will still have to have the kid every other weekend by himself and I doubt if he wants to mess with that.

 

It's not in his interests to divorce so you are going to have to do it yourself.

 

My suggestion is to secretly start circling your wagons and start gathering support from your family and friends and start coming up with a safe place to stay and have a roof over your head and food in your bellies.

 

Start working with a lawyer to address these issues of insurance, custody, property and asset division etc etc and come up with a sound and detailed game plan.

 

Then move out while he is at work and have him served with the papers after you are safely settled into a secure location where he can't get you or take your son to hold as a hostage to get you to drop the divorce.

 

You are going to have to grow up and grow some brass ovaries here. This is not going to be easy and he is not going to hand you anything on a silver platter without a fight. You are therefor going to have to do everything under the shroud of secrecy so everything is in place and you catch him flat footed in the opening salvo and have in on defensive from start to finish.

 

All battles are won or lost before the first shot is ever fired.

 

You knew he was like this when you married him so it is pure delusion and fantasy to think that he is going to turn nice and accommodating now.

 

I'm 100% on board with getting things going. I've an appointment with an attorney on Friday. I don't expect a change in him ever.

 

As far as sex: the last time was a little over a month ago. He's not been that interested in it for the past year.

 

He's doesn't know I'm going to a lawyer. Once I figure out what I can and cannot do, I'll be moving out.

[Mr. Lucky]

He told me about a month ago when we had our last huge blow up, that he didn't like me as a person. He said that he thought we had a good arrangement though and acted like that was one of the reasons why he didn't want to separate. The arrangement he stated was "I make the money and you take care of everything else".

Can't wait til he comes out with his own line of Hallmark cards !

 

As Oldshirt pointed out, he's describing you as the maid. Hardly a marriage of equals...

 

Mr. Lucky

[AffairsRBad]

I'm 100% on board with getting things going. I've an appointment with an attorney on Friday. I don't expect a change in him ever.

 

As far as sex: the last time was a little over a month ago. He's not been that interested in it for the past year.

 

He's doesn't know I'm going to a lawyer. Once I figure out what I can and cannot do, I'll be moving out.

 

Seriously...

 

As others mentioned, you are not a child and your spouse cannot treat you like a prisoner. You are always free to live where you want, especially if you believe he is a threat to cause harm to you or your child. You can even do so while he is at work and leave him a note, but that may be more cruel than you want to be and that depends on how abusive he is. Be careful about leaving without notice, as that can constitute abandonment and raise issues depending on the state.

 

In terms of a lawyer, unless you know the law inside and out, do not listen to anyone who tells you that you don't need a lawyer. Having a lawyer is a right and if you cannot afford one, many courts and states do allow you to have lawyer fees delayed or paid by the marital funds when there is an imbalance of financial resources. This is not to say that you won't have to pay the lawyer afterwards, but this is done so you do have representation throughout the process. The lawyer fees are simply delayed until after the divorce.

 

If your spouse does choose to try to clean out all finances by taking the divorce through the courts and suing everything, there is unfortunately nothing you can do about it. Getting a divorce can be reasonably cheap of a couple thousand dollars when both parties agree and try to find a reasonably fair settlement. However there is no upper limit in terms of money and time that the divorce can take. Keep your friends and family close for support through this potentially hard time ahead.

[winterpast]

I had my consult with a lawyer a week ago Friday. It went well and I felt better about the whole process. I needed to get some money together to hire her and I will be able to pay for the retainer this Friday.

 

My Husband can to me to talk on Saturday. At that point, he didn't know about my meeting with a lawyer. He asked me about us and why I've been distant. I told him I was trying to live my life (busy with school and our son). He told me that he doesn't feel any romantic love towards me and that he didn't like how happy I've been going back to school. He actually said he figured I have a boyfriend at school. His reasons were because I dressed nice when I go to my classes. I don't actually dress any different than when I leave the house, so I don't know what he meant. He said I was buying new clothes (I bought new pants and sweaters for the winter).

 

He also let it be known that he had went to see a lawyer 3 weeks ago to see what his options were. His lawyer advised him to try to get everything and 100% custody because he's the one working at the moment.

 

I did let him know I had seen a lawyer, at that point, but I know I probably should have kept my mouth shut.

 

He said we can get the divorce but he doesn't want me to move out. Basically, he still needs a maid. He thinks he contributes more to the marriage because he's the breadwinner and told me that I "cost money" since I don't work.

 

He wants 50/50 custody but says he's too busy with work to take our child for more than 1 or 2 times a week. He basically wants to take him whenever he feels like it.

 

I know he's making this easier by making me mad with this selfish ideals of what will happen. He wants everything to be civil but I don't know if that's 100% possible with how unrealistic he is with the custody.

[Mr. Lucky]

He said we can get the divorce but he doesn't want me to move out. Basically, he still needs a maid.

Wow, will you still get to service his sexual needs also ???

 

Obviously, his twisted interpretation of your rights has no connection to reality. When it comes to residence, custody, legal representation, lifestyle and clothing (), you'll make choices based on your own needs and goals.

 

Congrats on getting started - keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[winterpast]

I moved out and staying at my parents. Been here for about two weeks. My son and I are doing well. The ex gets him a few days a week. He's trying to "fix" his life now, so he says.

 

Papers were filed last week. There was a little rush because he's in a hurry to get it done. Probably because he's talking to a now 18 yr old that he had a EA with two years ago. If I was able to prove it at the time I would have gotten his ass arrested.

 

Other than worrying about finding work while still trying to finish College, get a car, and health insurance, I'm doing ok. I don't want to go back and haven't felt the need to go back. The support of friends and family has made the process bearable.

 

I made an appt to see my therapist on Wednesday. I want to make sure I don't hit an emotional brick wall (I feel like I'm teetering on the line) Also, I want to be able to have a healthy relationship one day and hope he can help me break my cycles of being with the wrong people.

 

I know right now the end is hard to see and there are a lot of what ifs but I also know that one by one it will all work out eventually.

 

Basically, I'm taking it one day at a time and still trying to achieve my goals in life that I started before the divorce.