Author nikki76 Posted October 27, 2014 Author Share Posted October 27, 2014 It's the nature of the beast for a wayward to think they won't get caught. I never thought I would get caught either. I think seeing a therapist and working on yourself is a good idea. Just prepare yourself for the worse. There's many stories of people finding out about their spouses affairs years after it ended. Did you marry at a young age? I was in my early 20's when I met my husband. I've noticed a trend with cheating wives. A lot of us were married young, never thought we would cheat, but end up checking out of the marriage and end up being unfaithful many years later. No, didnt marry young, I was 28, now im 37. I became a stay at home mom when my first daughter was born, almost 9 years ago and ive been home ever since. I feel bored with my life. Two of my kids are I school all day and my youngest goes half a day. We moved last year and remodeled our house and that was really stressful. My AP did alot of work on our house and was here everyday. My H and I fought all the time about the project and "of course" AP seemed more interested in my designing ideas then my H. Thats how that started. Do you mind me asking, how did your H find out? Link to post Share on other sites
Author nikki76 Posted October 27, 2014 Author Share Posted October 27, 2014 =herself;5968785]I just wonder why that didn't spark your H into action to shed some light there is a problem here? I too think you are escaping to the A's to drown out the true issue which is that you are unhappy. Cant you seperate amicably and slowly move toward Divorce? I know its a big step but cant you lease an apartment, coparent, get away, get therapy and make a new start? You only need to escape when you feel trapped. You need a big change here. Ive been bringing up the no spark issue in my marriage for some time now. My husband doesnt see it. He says he loves me and I mean everything to him. I feel like we are just existing. Although lately, I have seen effort on his part, to start showing me more affection. He usually works 6 days a week, 16 hour shifts. So for us to spend time with each other is very rare. I think with his work schedule and three young kids, our marriage has been put on the back burner. I dont want to separate or divorce him. Im hoping with some intense therapy, i can fix what is broken, with myself and my marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Decisiontomake Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 My husband is also a good man - and said he would do anything to "fix" what I had said was missing. Some guys can, some guys can't. And sometimes you don't know why you're unhappy but you are nonetheless. I'm not advocating you throw your marriage away - that would be brash on my part given the little information I know BUT I was someone who stayed for years feeling discontented - not in a bad marriage at all - but not happy - I would have had to change who I am fundamentally to make that marriage work - as would he, and that just wasn't going to work for either of us. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 I am saying a the most caring way, that your mental health appears to be unstable and you sound very fragile. Your actions are not those of a happy, grounded person. It's time to get some good sound professional help and please do not self medicate on Zoloft. God knows how it is affecting your behaviour and rationality. All my best wishes are with you. Poppy 2 Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Please take a breather and stop asap. There is something majorly wrong, your instnct recognizes this and its asking you "what are you doing??" Please take a step back and don't make more moves that might compromise your situation. You need to grab ahold of whatever it is that's wrong before deciding what your next step is. It must feel like a runaway train right now for you. I felt like this at one point in my life and I was jumping from guy to guy, I wasn't gaining anything except more confusion and that feeling of doom and I felt helpless to stop it. I was so lost. It took some time before I steadied myself and got my head on right. Be strong until you find your way back. ((hugs)) Angel 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Decisiontomake Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Seeing as I can't PM you I shall share here that I did exactly as you did re meeting up with men from what I guess is Ashley Madison. Went mad for a while. Just wanted to escape and sex was my way of doing that. Like you I didn't even find the guys attractive. It was some form of madness. Like I say, if you're ok with that then go get it. But like me, you're not. Don't be harsh on yourself. Emotional turmoil can lead us to do things totally out of our character. I get it completely and know where you're head is at. Been thinking of you a lot today and hope that this thread which continues to be full of compassion is helping you x 2 Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Seeing as I can't PM you I shall share here that I did exactly as you did re meeting up with men from what I guess is Ashley Madison. Went mad for a while. Just wanted to escape and sex was my way of doing that. Like you I didn't even find the guys attractive. It was some form of madness. Like I say, if you're ok with that then go get it. But like me, you're not. Don't be harsh on yourself. Emotional turmoil can lead us to do things totally out of our character. I get it completely and know where you're head is at. Been thinking of you a lot today and hope that this thread which continues to be full of compassion is helping you x I was in this same frame of mind myself, sorry I can't PM you but I think Decisiontomake and myself are sending the same message. Look after yourself, get off the crazy train so you can regain your sanity and balance. ((hugs again)) Angel 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author nikki76 Posted October 28, 2014 Author Share Posted October 28, 2014 I was in this same frame of mind myself, sorry I can't PM you but I think Decisiontomake and myself are sending the same message. Look after yourself, get off the crazy train so you can regain your sanity and balance. ((hugs again)) Angel How do I get pm's? Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 You would need to be an established member to have PM... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 no 2x4 here. You will do that to yourself when you get caught and you will because if your new Ashley Madison friend that you are not attracted to but will meet again for sex goes away you will find the ego nibbles on that website or whatever one you are using just as addicted as you are now. It will not be hard for you to keep adding exciting notches to your bed post. It is obvious you have no real interest in stopping until you destroy the family of yours. So everyone can save their breath as you inflict this upcoming storm on yourself . No one thinks they will get caught but it happens. Your actions are not an impulsive ONS, but a calculated advertisement on a website dedicated to facilitating infidelity. That will make R with your husband almost impossible. So enjoy your fun while it lasts . I'm sure at some point you will be sorry 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Decisiontomake Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 no 2x4 here. You will do that to yourself when you get caught and you will because if your new Ashley Madison friend that you are not attracted to but will meet again for sex goes away you will find the ego nibbles on that website or whatever one you are using just as addicted as you are now. It will not be hard for you to keep adding exciting notches to your bed post. It is obvious you have no real interest in stopping until you destroy the family of yours. So everyone can save their breath as you inflict this upcoming storm on yourself . No one thinks they will get caught but it happens. Your actions are not an impulsive ONS, but a calculated advertisement on a website dedicated to facilitating infidelity. That will make R with your husband almost impossible. So enjoy your fun while it lasts . I'm sure at some point you will be sorry So unnecessary. I wondered how long it would be before someone came along and dragged this thread into a negative note. Not helpful at all. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Decisiontomake Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 You would need to be an established member to have PM... I think it's something to do with the amount of posts you have - reaching a certain level opens that up somehow. Please keep posting and let us know how you're doing, or just come on here and share the madness x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author nikki76 Posted October 28, 2014 Author Share Posted October 28, 2014 So unnecessary. I wondered how long it would be before someone came along and dragged this thread into a negative note. Not helpful at all. Lol. Im actually REALLY surprised that this didnt turn into a negative note sooner. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sunburned Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 (edited) Ive been wanting to post for a few weeks, but I know I'm going to be shredded apart. Ive been having an affair with my husbands friend since April. We were intimate 3 times, June being our last time. Other then that, its all been only contact through our private Facebook page. However, we did makeout about a month ago when he was at my house doing some work. Ive tried going no contact and each time, one of us contact the other and broke NC. I dont feel nearly as emotionally attached to him as before. We talk about meeting up, but I dont think thats going to happen. Two months ago, during one of my NC periods, I was feeling sad. So I joined a married dating website. Just looking for someone to text with. I met someone that lives in a different state and visits here once a month. We met a few weeks ago and had sex. It is strictly physical, we dont even know each others last names or much about our personal lives. He is married with kids. The sex wasnt even that good and I'm not really attracted to him. But, I still plan to meet with him in a few weeks. I think about ending it with either one or bith, then i get nervous, because it ads excitement to my life. I know its wrong and the ultimate betrayal. I know I'm being used but I'm also using them. Im on Zoloft for about three months now. I'm wondering if this is making me feel numb to my true feelings about my husband. I was seeing a therapist, but stopped once I started this new affair. Im afraid of what she would think or say. I dont really know why im posting this. I feel like I need to let it out. Be ripped apart. I know its bad, but for some reason, its not sinking in. I'm also married with kids. So is husbands friend. Nikki, I haven't read all the replies for lack of time, but I did skim them. I hope I'm not being overly repetitive of someone else. I just wanted you to know after my short term A ended, what I really wanted was another one. I couldn't even admit that to my IC at the time. That's how wrong I knew it was. It also made me realize how people become serial cheaters. I did not go looking via websites, etc. (too pre-meditated) but I flirted with other people I knew. The only thing that stopped me was I knew I was in a fog. I read enough here to realize that what I felt for my MM was an addiction, not love. I stopped myself from making another mistake. I realized I needed time to come down from the high, go through withdrawal, etc. I said to myself I'll pursue this if I still want to in three months. THANK GOD. There is not way I would have another A, but I needed that three months of "detox." No, it's not the Zoloft numbing your feelings. It is the A-fog. Get off the A train, give yourself three months, one day at a time. If you engage in no other self-help, just give yourself the gift of time. If you're up to continuing with counseling, find a new one. The ones I saw also wanted to talk about fixing my M. I wanted to talk about getting over the A first and what led me to it. Find the right person. I also want to point out your post is a bit contradictory in that you said you were looking for someone to text with but then you engaged in an A you said was purely physical and not emotional. What are you really after? Edited October 30, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Removed dead link, possible advertising. Link to post Share on other sites
Decisiontomake Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 Bumping this as would like to keep encouraging the OP to post x Link to post Share on other sites
Georgia2014 Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 (edited) Ive been wanting to post for a few weeks, but I know I'm going to be shredded apart. Ive been having an affair with my husbands friend since April. We were intimate 3 times, June being our last time. Other then that, its all been only contact through our private Facebook page. However, we did makeout about a month ago when he was at my house doing some work. Ive tried going no contact and each time, one of us contact the other and broke NC. I dont feel nearly as emotionally attached to him as before. We talk about meeting up, but I dont think thats going to happen. Two months ago, during one of my NC periods, I was feeling sad. So I joined a married dating website. Just looking for someone to text with. I met someone that lives in a different state and visits here once a month. We met a few weeks ago and had sex. It is strictly physical, we dont even know each others last names or much about our personal lives. He is married with kids. The sex wasnt even that good and I'm not really attracted to him. But, I still plan to meet with him in a few weeks. I think about ending it with either one or bith, then i get nervous, because it ads excitement to my life. I know its wrong and the ultimate betrayal. I know I'm being used but I'm also using them. Im on Zoloft for about three months now. I'm wondering if this is making me feel numb to my true feelings about my husband. I was seeing a therapist, but stopped once I started this new affair. Im afraid of what she would think or say. I dont really know why im posting this. I feel like I need to let it out. Be ripped apart. I know its bad, but for some reason, its not sinking in. I'm also married with kids. So is husbands friend. That is down right cruel & selfish of you having a make out session with your AP at your house you live in with your HUSBAND. Then having a third partner? Have you told your doctor this? You do need to go back to counseling and face what your therapist says. You only stopped seeing a therapist because you don't want to hear how wrong & selfish you are. Edited October 29, 2014 by Georgia2014 Link to post Share on other sites
Author nikki76 Posted October 31, 2014 Author Share Posted October 31, 2014 Seeing as I can't PM you I shall share here that I did exactly as you did re meeting up with men from what I guess is Ashley Madison. Went mad for a while. Just wanted to escape and sex was my way of doing that. Like you I didn't even find the guys attractive. It was some form of madness. Like I say, if you're ok with that then go get it. But like me, you're not. Don't be harsh on yourself. Emotional turmoil can lead us to do things totally out of our character. I get it completely and know where you're head is at. Been thinking of you a lot today./QUOTE] I dont know if you'll even see this...but can you share any tips on how you got out of this madness. All day long, I think....ok I'm not going to message these guys anymore. Then they message me and I get that high feeling. A huge part of me cant even imagine my life without this madness. im scared my life will be dull and boring. My husband just found out today that he will be going on an overnight shift. At first i was so happy, thinking, now i will have more time for texting my first A guy, cause he also works overnights. Then i started thinking, if i end the madness, what am i going to do at night. I'll be so tempted to text at least one of them. Also, I called my therapist today and left a message to schedule an appointment. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 OP this isn't an attack, its a real honest question. Why are you married NOW? Its become really clear you niether love or respect your husband. Saying your scared to end the affairs because your life would be to boring and dull, along with carrying on the affairs in the home that your dull and boring husband is working to provide for you is disturbing. Almost beyond belief. Here is a thought, get a job. If you have time for two affairs you have time to work. Link to post Share on other sites
Decisiontomake Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 I dont know if you'll even see this...but can you share any tips on how you got out of this madness. All day long, I think....ok I'm not going to message these guys anymore. Then they message me and I get that high feeling. A huge part of me cant even imagine my life without this madness. im scared my life will be dull and boring. My husband just found out today that he will be going on an overnight shift. At first i was so happy, thinking, now i will have more time for texting my first A guy, cause he also works overnights. Then i started thinking, if i end the madness, what am i going to do at night. I'll be so tempted to text at least one of them. Also, I called my therapist today and left a message to schedule an appointment. I'm a work in progress honey! Wouldn't say I'm over it entirely - I still get a high from messages that will sometimes pop up from those I've spoken to before. The difference for me is that I'm separated at this stage - and that doesn't remove the guilt entirely from my still married status, but it does mean I'm "just" trying to focus on my own mental wellbeing and reasons for doing this rather than worrying about the impact on a still together marriage. I'm trying to replace that high with peace - peace at who I am, reading a book, spending time with my kids (grown kids), or texting a gf who knows about it etc - anything at all. It's a desire to be wanted, it's a desire to have attention, to let some sexual frustration out - that's all it is. It does NOT make us crazy or bad people - it's a coping mechanism - just like taking a drug or getting drunk or whatever. Be gentle with yourself and take each day as it comes. As a side note, I would suggest you take some time to really think about why you're still with your husband too. It took me years of being "just not right", and then 2 years of really intense and deep/bad times to finally make that break which I still struggle with, so I know it's not easy, but you have to try and find your peace. Keep posting x Link to post Share on other sites
Author nikki76 Posted November 1, 2014 Author Share Posted November 1, 2014 Im having an EA with a man for 7 months, was only physical three times, June being the last time. The other man is a man I met through Ashley Madison 2 months ago.I I met up with him last month. He lives out of state and visits here once a month. Im not really attracted to him and the sex wasnt even good. I think im just attracted to the attention he gives me via our messaging. So, yes, I'm having an affair with two men. I know this is wrong beyond wrong. I want to get out of it. Im just scared of the withdrawal. Ive tried to go NC with the first AP, deveral times, and I think 10 days was the longest. He would usually contact me , and sweet talk me and the vicious cycle would start all over. I was a complete mess during eaxh NC. Now I will have to deal with NC from two men. I tried contacting my therapist. I havent seen her since I started the new A. But unfortunately, shes out of town until the 10th. I'm supposed to meet up with out of town AP on the 10th. I want to be strong and send these letters. But im so scared. i feel so alone. I havent felt this emotional in months and i hate it. I feel that with these A, I have brought whole family down the sh*t hole. Between me spending time texting AP or waiting for them to text me and just being in a fog. Not really sure what my point is. But I feel like I need to let this out. This is a great forum with sone really great people. Link to post Share on other sites
cif Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 Why not break it off with MM you have stronger feelings for first then when ready once a month guy? Link to post Share on other sites
Decisiontomake Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 Firstly you are not alone. Sure we are all anonymous on here and not physically with you but for your venting and discussion we are right here. A few things - block everything you can in terms of how they can reach you - take down AM account, emails you use for it, block texts etc. so that you know I'm not preaching I will say it took me some time to do that with my 2.5 year AP - I went back and forth blocking, unblocking, blocking etc. but now I've done it. We - and I'm including myself purposely - are using these highs to make us feel better. But they're short lived. We feel **** for the other 90% of the time because we are not acting in a congruent way with who we really are. The build up the the 10th will be great - no doubt - but the sex and the come down are going to be bad. It's one day - make other plans and stick to them - go out all day with a girlfriend, go to a spa - something that will be good while you're doing it AND beneficial for you after wards. I'm totally not through this myself but I know I'm a few steps ahead of you so I'm gonna helps us both reminding us that we don't want to do this. xx 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author nikki76 Posted November 1, 2014 Author Share Posted November 1, 2014 Firstly you are not alone. Sure we are all anonymous on here and not physically with you but for your venting and discussion we are right here. A few things - block everything you can in terms of how they can reach you - take down AM account, emails you use for it, block texts etc. so that you know I'm not preaching I will say it took me some time to do that with my 2.5 year AP - I went back and forth blocking, unblocking, blocking etc. but now I've done it. We - and I'm including myself purposely - are using these highs to make us feel better. But they're short lived. We feel **** for the other 90% of the time because we are not acting in a congruent way with who we really are. The build up the the 10th will be great - no doubt - but the sex and the come down are going to be bad. It's one day - make other plans and stick to them - go out all day with a girlfriend, go to a spa - something that will be good while you're doing it AND beneficial for you after wards. I'm totally not through this myself but I know I'm a few steps ahead of you so I'm gonna helps us both reminding us that we don't want to do this. xx I cant respond in depth at the moment, but just want to give you a quick thank you. Im in tears reading your response. It makes me feel more human, that im not alone in this. If it wasnt for this forum, I would be lost and feel like a complete monster for doing what Im doing. Link to post Share on other sites
Decisiontomake Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 I cant respond in depth at the moment, but just want to give you a quick thank you. Im in tears reading your response. It makes me feel more human, that im not alone in this. If it wasnt for this forum, I would be lost and feel like a complete monster for doing what Im doing. Oh honey. You are not alone. Let's get through this one together. Big hugs (()) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted November 2, 2014 Share Posted November 2, 2014 You are not alone. You need to stop living like this because you know it's crazy and it makes you feel lousy about yourself. Go NC with both of them and do go back to the counsellor. Cheers, Poppy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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