How to be "happy"?

[Mr Scorpio]

I know how you feel OP. You can see the things in life that you want. But when you reach for them they seem like water: you just can't grasp it.

 

Seek out therapy if you can afford it and/or can find some for free. You never know until you try. The same goes for meds. As someone who has done a fair share of both, I'd recommend exercise over both of them put together.

 

If "meaning" is one thing that you seek, volunteer work may be a solution. It won't necessarily be "fun". You wont likely find a career out of it. You probably won't find friends from it. However, it might help provide meaning.

[Inflikted]

If "meaning" is one thing that you seek, volunteer work may be a solution. It won't necessarily be "fun". You wont likely find a career out of it. You probably won't find friends from it. However, it might help provide meaning.

 

I meant more "meaningful" to me. I don't mean to sound insensitive, but I don't think volunteer work would be a good fit for me, especially due to my general lack of empathy.

 

To me, "meaning" means to do something I enjoy and want to be a part of, and to "mean" something to peers. As it is, I just feel like I'm completely incapable of finding this type of "meaning" in my life.

 

I'm not really interested in doing something that feels like a "chore" to me. I want to be a part of something I enjoy, something I feel happy about. But nothing makes me feel that way.

 

As much as it pains me, I wonder, when do you just accept that you're simply not good enough for anything worthwhile in life?

[Reels]

I think best way to be happy, is to think that what we have got and others don't have.

 

We should always try to do something, so that we can become better than others too.

[Inflikted]

Well, let me alter the initial question a bit to better reflect the facts.

 

How does one live a happy, fulfilling life while knowing that they are not good enough to have the things their heart truly desires? How does someone who deeply craves friendship, intimacy, and a career live a happy, fulfilling life, knowing that they'll never have friends, never date, never know true friendship, never know true love, never amount to anything more than "low level cashier"?

[Snaggletooth]

Well, let me alter the initial question a bit to better reflect the facts.

 

How does one live a happy, fulfilling life while knowing that they are not good enough to have the things their heart truly desires? How does someone who deeply craves friendship, intimacy, and a career live a happy, fulfilling life, knowing that they'll never have friends, never date, never know true friendship, never know true love, never amount to anything more than "low level cashier"?

 

Life is a state of mind, not circumstance.

 

You say "I never will" others say "I will" and that makes all the difference. That, and that alone, can carry you though the hardest of times and bring the best of times. Even if you end up going nowhere.

 

"Two men look out from prison bars, one sees mud, the other stars".

[Inflikted]

Life is a state of mind, not circumstance.

 

You say "I never will" others say "I will" and that makes all the difference. That, and that alone, can carry you though the hardest of times and bring the best of times. Even if you end up going nowhere.

 

"Two men look out from prison bars, one sees mud, the other stars".

 

I don't know what that means. Er, rather, I get the whole "positivity > negativity" point, but being positive generally requires faith or belief that positive outcomes are a realistic goal. I have no such faith/ beliefs. I believe that I'm not good enough for any of the positive outcomes I desire.

 

And unfortunately, I'm too much of a logical thinker to have blind faith in anything. I'm the type that needs concrete proof of something, in order to believe in it. And, yes, I am aware of the notion of "One can't get results without being positive", and the fact that I'm stuck in a never ending cycle due to my own notion of "I can't be positive without results".

 

It's like trying to convince an atheist that God exists. Many atheists find themselves unable to put blind faith into the existence of such a being; some atheists may eventually witness something that constitutes "proof" to them, and change their beliefs from there.

 

In a way, that's the position I find myself in. Every effort I've made, every attempt I've made, every thing I've tried to do to advance my life in one way or another has been completely and utterly unsuccessful. I haven't seen even the tiniest bit of good results to give me even a shred of hope. How can I possibly convince myself of something that I don't truly believe in?

[BlueIris]

This cycle has been wearing me down more and more over time, and I just can't figure out how to break out of it, and change my life for the better.

 

Just be, without judgment. It is difficult to do but immensely life changing. Break down your opening post into tiny pieces and examine the thoughts/words.

 

Try this: Google The Work by Byron Katie and do the exercises- really do them- every day for a month. Your thoughts are what you are attached to and your thoughts are a choice. We often cling to our thoughts, our interpretations of things, even though they aren’t really true, and we can't see that our thoughts are what hurt, not the facts/raw perceptions. And don’t be too surprised if your head/thoughts/ego attachment rears its head to defend your own thoughts and reject examination- it’s common and very human to psychologically defend against change.

[Inflikted]

Just be, without judgment. It is difficult to do but immensely life changing. Break down your opening post into tiny pieces and examine the thoughts/words.

 

Try this: Google The Work by Byron Katie and do the exercises- really do them- every day for a month. Your thoughts are what you are attached to and your thoughts are a choice. We often cling to our thoughts, our interpretations of things, even though they aren’t really true, and we can't see that our thoughts are what hurt, not the facts/raw perceptions. And don’t be too surprised if your head/thoughts/ego attachment rears its head to defend your own thoughts and reject examination- it’s common and very human to psychologically defend against change.

 

I'm pretty much the poster boy for "resisting change". My life is a complete and utter waste right now. I'm either at home trying (often unsuccessfully) to temporarily distract myself from how lonely and miserable I feel, or I'm at work, dealing with customers that get on my nerves and coworkers that I simply don't connect with. I have no interests or hobbies through which to pursue "activity groups" through. I lack too much empathy to do volunteer work. On the rare occasion I find an opportunity to apply for a new job that would get my career started, I'm not selected even for an interview. Things can't change or get better for me when my life is just a repetitive cycle of nothing.

 

And you'd think that knowledge, that "self-aware" inflection, would make a difference, but it doesn't. I fully realize that nothing will change or get better for me if I don't do things differently, but I feel totally lost. I don't feel like I know WHAT to do, and I feel like it wouldn't make a difference any way.

 

Most of us, we learn how to properly live our lives through some "role models" that guide us in our formative years, but I've never had that. My family is totally disconnected, so I never had siblings to look towards. My parents live sad, miserable lives (they similarly have no social lives and don't leave the house aside from going to work or going shopping), and don't even love each other. And as I said, I've never had friends to help me get on the right track.

 

I know it probably sounds like I'm making excuses, and perhaps I am, but in this regard, I feel so naive, almost like an infant.

 

At this point, I've long since lost any and all hope/ faith in anything. I just live in my own little world, a lonely, miserable world. Day in and day out, my life is a series of repetitive motions, thoughts, and feelings. I'm just an unimportant little spinning "cog" who isn't even important at all to the "machine".

 

Physically, I'm even letting myself go more and more. I can feel my clothes getting tighter every day. I engorge myself on unhealthy food every day. I'm starting to feel very "icky" inside, physically.

 

And yet, as miserable as I am, a part of me just doesn't even care, because I feel like it's a foregone conclusion that I'm simply not good enough. Not good enough to be anything more than a lowly cashier at a store, not good enough to be friends with, certainly not good enough to be someone's romantic partner. To me, that's just... how it is.

[Satu]

Look for opportunities to connect with people, even if they seem superficial. Be nice to shop assistants, librarians, bus drivers, or whoever you come into contact with. People like to be noticed, and they like a smile and a kind word. Start with small pleasantries and you'll gain confidence.

[Inflikted]

Look for opportunities to connect with people, even if they seem superficial. Be nice to shop assistants, librarians, bus drivers, or whoever you come into contact with. People like to be noticed, and they like a smile and a kind word. Start with small pleasantries and you'll gain confidence.

 

Well, yeah, I mean, I've always tried to be as nice, pleasant, polite, and courteous to people as I possibly can. That's never seemed to matter for me, though.

[Dontfindme]

Here's an article that I chanced upon - it's from Cracked, maybe it'll shed some light.

 

6 Secret Beliefs That Are Making Us All Unhappy | Cracked.com

[Inflikted]

Here's an article that I chanced upon - it's from Cracked, maybe it'll shed some light.

 

 

I liked the humorous tone to it, in the article, though I'm not really sure what to take away from it that I haven't already heard in some form or another.

 

My inability to connect with people isn't for a lack of trying. I've tried numerous times over the last several years to connect and form relationships with different groups of peers. I'm simply not wanted. I'm not good enough to be someone's friend, or especially someone's "lover".

 

I invested thousands of dollars of my own money, right out of my pocket, into pursuing my education in a field I believed I could do well in, yet I'm not skilled enough to be anything more than a bottom tier "cashier".

 

Some might say that I'm seeking external factors to make me happy, and while I can understand that argument, I disagree. What makes me unhappy is my inability to have the things I want; what makes me unhappy is my worthlessness -- socially, romantically, and practically.

 

Truth be told, I really don't hate the things I do occupy my time with, but I DO hate how those are ALL I have to spend my time on, how I'm completely isolated from people, how alone and empty my life really feels.

 

I'm not interested in turning my entire world upside down, and throwing out my whole life as it is now. I'd prefer for my life to generally remain the same except A) I'd like to have a better job (meaning, I'd at least like to get my career started and work my way up over time), and B) I'd like to have friends and a significant other to spend some time with and bond with here and there.

 

But the fact that my life is a 24/7 cycle of being alone, and doing work that an average high schooler could handle, that just makes me feel worthless. Not good enough. And that's what I believe. That I'm not good enough.

 

I've struggled with belief for some time now. It made me sad for a time, it made me angry for a time, it made me a bit crazy for a time. But I've gotten to a point where I've stopped "feeling" things about that belief, and have just accepted it, accepted that I'm simply "not good enough". That belief, itself, no longer makes me sad, but the fact that I've so completely accepted it as a truth, THAT brings me a lot of sorrow.

[Dontfindme]

I liked the humorous tone to it, in the article, though I'm not really sure what to take away from it that I haven't already heard in some form or another.

 

My inability to connect with people isn't for a lack of trying. I've tried numerous times over the last several years to connect and form relationships with different groups of peers. I'm simply not wanted. I'm not good enough to be someone's friend, or especially someone's "lover".

 

I invested thousands of dollars of my own money, right out of my pocket, into pursuing my education in a field I believed I could do well in, yet I'm not skilled enough to be anything more than a bottom tier "cashier".

 

Some might say that I'm seeking external factors to make me happy, and while I can understand that argument, I disagree. What makes me unhappy is my inability to have the things I want; what makes me unhappy is my worthlessness -- socially, romantically, and practically.

 

Truth be told, I really don't hate the things I do occupy my time with, but I DO hate how those are ALL I have to spend my time on, how I'm completely isolated from people, how alone and empty my life really feels.

 

I'm not interested in turning my entire world upside down, and throwing out my whole life as it is now. I'd prefer for my life to generally remain the same except A) I'd like to have a better job (meaning, I'd at least like to get my career started and work my way up over time), and B) I'd like to have friends and a significant other to spend some time with and bond with here and there.

 

But the fact that my life is a 24/7 cycle of being alone, and doing work that an average high schooler could handle, that just makes me feel worthless. Not good enough. And that's what I believe. That I'm not good enough.

 

I've struggled with belief for some time now. It made me sad for a time, it made me angry for a time, it made me a bit crazy for a time. But I've gotten to a point where I've stopped "feeling" things about that belief, and have just accepted it, accepted that I'm simply "not good enough". That belief, itself, no longer makes me sad, but the fact that I've so completely accepted it as a truth, THAT brings me a lot of sorrow.

 

 

I didn't get a chance to read the other responses from other posters, so I don't know if it was suggested/asked before, but have you have considered your location to be a problem?

 

Like are you living in a small town/big city? Is moving an option? Maybe you're feeling this way because you're stuck in a dead-end place?

 

Because it seems like you've been proactive about resolving your problems, minus the therapy.

[Thegreatestthing]

Definately sounds like your depression is cultural,the loneliness,the meaningless work,the general sense of emptiness etc, most people complain the same things, overwork,hours commuting, lack of real friends, lack of contact with the community, lack of contact with the natural world, pressure to perform in a system that is morally repugnant, endless exposure to screens exhorting you to be happy, young and attractive, lack of contact with family, alienation from your physical environment, pressure to obtain more material things you don't actually need, an education that might let you glean that there is some meaning to be had somewhere mfollowed by a working life that refuses to let you find it etc etc etc,that's the reason a lot of people are depressed.

 

maybe also why you find that in the traditional Amish society major depression is almost unknown, as it is in the equally traditional Kaluli tribe of New Guineau etc etc etc,because there is a strong network of support,some guidance like you spoke of etc etc.

 

I don't know what to say to you,it's not like you can leave your job and go find meaningful work unless you are wiling to buy less things? if you work only to cover your basic expenses you will have more time to develop passions and interests that are rewarding,you won't have to spend so much time at a job you don't like.you have these forums as a network of support though I know it's not quite the same as having a close loved one,try free dating sites and forums to meet people,there is an endless supply of girls one if them is bound to like you.I met my bf on a dating site.there is something in you that uniquely belongs to you and that you can offer the world,you just have to find out what it is,it will give you a great sense of purpose and meaning.

 

I say this as someone who had coma like depression for years,but have not had it for almost four years now,I have a very traditional approach to life now,a lot of emphasis on meaning,purpose,deep connections etc.

 

Maybe if you tell us more about yourself,what you really enjoy and like,what's important for you we can help you more.

 

 

I liked the humorous tone to it, in the article, though I'm not really sure what to take away from it that I haven't already heard in some form or another.

 

My inability to connect with people isn't for a lack of trying. I've tried numerous times over the last several years to connect and form relationships with different groups of peers. I'm simply not wanted. I'm not good enough to be someone's friend, or especially someone's "lover".

 

I invested thousands of dollars of my own money, right out of my pocket, into pursuing my education in a field I believed I could do well in, yet I'm not skilled enough to be anything more than a bottom tier "cashier".

 

Some might say that I'm seeking external factors to make me happy, and while I can understand that argument, I disagree. What makes me unhappy is my inability to have the things I want; what makes me unhappy is my worthlessness -- socially, romantically, and practically.

 

Truth be told, I really don't hate the things I do occupy my time with, but I DO hate how those are ALL I have to spend my time on, how I'm completely isolated from people, how alone and empty my life really feels.

 

I'm not interested in turning my entire world upside down, and throwing out my whole life as it is now. I'd prefer for my life to generally remain the same except A) I'd like to have a better job (meaning, I'd at least like to get my career started and work my way up over time), and B) I'd like to have friends and a significant other to spend some time with and bond with here and there.

 

But the fact that my life is a 24/7 cycle of being alone, and doing work that an average high schooler could handle, that just makes me feel worthless. Not good enough. And that's what I believe. That I'm not good enough.

 

I've struggled with belief for some time now. It made me sad for a time, it made me angry for a time, it made me a bit crazy for a time. But I've gotten to a point where I've stopped "feeling" things about that belief, and have just accepted it, accepted that I'm simply "not good enough". That belief, itself, no longer makes me sad, but the fact that I've so completely accepted it as a truth, THAT brings me a lot of sorrow.

[Quiet Storm]

Happiness really is just a state of mind. Try to adjust your expectations, find things to be thankful for.

 

Have you considered getting a pet? Depression, addiction and mental illness all run in my family. Fortunately, I have been spared (so far). I volunteer at a shelter, and I have seen success on both the human and the dog sides when two lost souls find each other.

 

Sometimes life just sucks and you can bond with a dog or cat to help you through. My aunt, for example, was hooked on pain pills and benzos. Her family was fed up, they had spent years and thousands trying to help her. I took an older sweet pit bull that was well behaved and kind of lazy to her, and checked on them every day. You wouldn't believe the change! This dog gave her something to live for. I stop by after work and I see a smile on her face that I haven't seen for years, and a dog that's feeling loved, tail wagging. Two depressed and hopeless beings are now happy and content. Just an idea....

 

Anyway, so sorry you are having a tough time. This is only temporary. You will be OK.

[welyam]

they say, happiness is a choice. But for me, it's hard to be happy when you are bleeding inside. no matter how i try, i can't make a smile, knowing that i have a rough day. But i believe in this, there is no such thing as a bad day, it is just yesterday is more fun than today.

[Inflikted]

I didn't get a chance to read the other responses from other posters, so I don't know if it was suggested/asked before, but have you have considered your location to be a problem?

 

Like are you living in a small town/big city? Is moving an option? Maybe you're feeling this way because you're stuck in a dead-end place?

 

Because it seems like you've been proactive about resolving your problems, minus the therapy.

 

I live in a suburb of a fairly notable city. It's not really "too big" or "too small". I'd be open to moving some day, but I don't think I'm up to it at this point in my life. I don't even have the money to afford my own place (I still live with my parents, right now), and I don't want to have to be roommates with some random stranger. I'd have to find a job, and considering my lack of actual experience doing the things I want to do, I'd probably end up stuck working another low-end job that I hate, anyway.

 

All in all, it's just too much to figure out at once, you know? I'd have to actually find somewhere I'd want to move to, I'd have to figure out living arrangements, I'd have to figure out what I'd have to do for a job... At least if I was working somewhere, and they wanted to give me an opportunity to relocate somewhere, I'd already have the "job" and the "where" aspects figured out, and would just have to get some living arrangements in order. But having to just start from scratch, period, just seems much too overwhelming.

 

I don't know what to say to you,it's not like you can leave your job and go find meaningful work unless you are wiling to buy less things? if you work only to cover your basic expenses you will have more time to develop passions and interests that are rewarding,you won't have to spend so much time at a job you don't like.

 

To be honest, I pretty much am working to cover my basic expenses. I only have a part time job, and I'm barely making minimum wage. I pretty much live paycheck to paycheck. Sure, I splurge and buy myself something nice every now and then, but for the most part, my income goes towards giving me the bare minimum necessities.

 

Maybe if you tell us more about yourself,what you really enjoy and like,what's important for you we can help you more.

 

As far as hobbies go, I like pretty nerdy things. I like playing video games and reading comic books. I also like producing digital content for the Internet, and producing digital content is essentially what I want to do, career-wise.

 

I primarily like working with video, editing it together. I started my own website for posting videos and written articles about video games and gaming news. I've been making content for it, off and on, for the last couple of years. It's a bit of a double edged sword, though; I enjoy doing that kind of "work", but I can't seem to build any kind of audience at all, and if no one is actually viewing my content, that bums me out and demotivates me to continue doing it.

 

It's also difficult being the sole "producer" for this site. More successful sites tend to have more people participating in the creation of content. I wish I had more people to bring in on this "project" of mine, but, I don't.

 

Ideally, some day, I'd like to work in a (or have my own) video production company. It'd be nice to have my own "company" like that, but as of now, I simply don't have the funds to even afford one good video camera, let alone the funds to start a company.

 

Have you considered getting a pet? Depression, addiction and mental illness all run in my family. Fortunately, I have been spared (so far). I volunteer at a shelter, and I have seen success on both the human and the dog sides when two lost souls find each other.

 

Sometimes life just sucks and you can bond with a dog or cat to help you through. My aunt, for example, was hooked on pain pills and benzos. Her family was fed up, they had spent years and thousands trying to help her. I took an older sweet pit bull that was well behaved and kind of lazy to her, and checked on them every day. You wouldn't believe the change! This dog gave her something to live for. I stop by after work and I see a smile on her face that I haven't seen for years, and a dog that's feeling loved, tail wagging. Two depressed and hopeless beings are now happy and content. Just an idea....

 

I do have a pet, yes. Actually, I had a dog for 15 years, and he was pretty much the only "friend" I ever had. About three years ago, he passed away due to old age. A few months after he passed, I got a new dog, and I've had him for close to 2-3 years now. Thing is, this newer dog is okay, but I just don't really feel anything for him. I still take care of him and everything, of course, but deep down, I just can't let go of my first dog, and I wish my current dog was more like my original one.

[carly75]

Try to change if that can make you happy. You should pursue yourself for the changes you want in your life.

[BlueIris]

I still recommend doing the Byron Katie work, but, here's another way to completely redirect your life. Google “volunteer ngo jobs” and really consider it. There is nothing requiring you to stay here and do what you’ve been doing.