WS's do you keep mementos?

[nightmare01]

A question for WS's.

 

Long term affairs (LTA's) are definitely relationships, unlike one night stands or even short term affairs. Chances are those who have LTA's have memories of them - probably similar to old boy/girl friends from before marriage.

 

That's just what I imagine.. I have no actual experience with a LTA as I am a BH.

 

So I'm wondering if those WS who have LTA's - do you still have mementos from the relationship?

 

This could be a nice gift, or even old letters... (like were kept in the Bridges of Madison County).

 

I'm really curious if you keep things from your LTA - and if so I guess my next question would be why?

 

TIA

[beach]

Why? I think why is the easy answer. Because it means something to that person. The feelings attached to the object.

 

My question is more of "where did you hide these things" when you don't want them to be found by others?

[nightmare01]

I think hiding things around the house would be childs play for a WS that had a LTA.

[Mr. Lucky]

Chances are those who have LTA's have memories of them - probably similar to old boy/girl friends from before marriage.

I don't think most happily married folks keep mementos from old boyfriends and girlfriends. So I guess that rules out LTA mementos also :p:p ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[dichotomy]

I don't think most happily married folks keep mementos from old boyfriends and girlfriends. So I guess that rules out LTA mementos also :p:p ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

I would suspect a number of married folk have photos or some stuff from ex BF/GF, even if it is as simple as a concert tshirt from the 90's they got you, or a charm bracelet or something. If it is from long ago, and perhaps minor, I dont see a ton of harm, but its highly situation specific, and depends on the feelings and probably how long ago it was, and even if your still in contact with the old BF/GF.

 

Of course keeping items from an affair partner is a different issue...and for sure disrespectful.

 

in my case, there was a mandatory purge of somethings in my wife possession from ex's, that crossed the line for me.

Edited November 1, 2014 by dichotomy

[anne1707]

I have probably got things around the house somewhere from past boyfriends. As for anything from the exOM? That was all thrown out years ago. Most not long after dday. Then months later I found something I had completely forgotten about, was horrified that I still had something and threw it out immediately. Good riddance!

[nightmare01]

My WW is away traveling right now. She is out seeing our daughter and our grandkids. The unfortunate part of this is that our daughter's family live very near where OM lives - and where most of her LTA happened.

 

I couldn't go with her as we foster rescue animals (dogs and cats) and so one of us has to stay home to take care of them.

 

Things are pretty much ok - but this thought of mementos has been on my mind for awhile. So I searched through her stuff and did not find anything I can directly tie to her OM... there could still be things there that I don't know of though.

 

Had I found any mementos though, I would have D papers waiting for her on her return. But my search came up clean

 

So anyway I am triggering.. no one here with me other than the critters and so my mind wanders a lot and I think about the past. So anyway things are going ok for now.

 

Thanks for listening.

[TrustedthenBusted]

My friend has a memento from her LTA. A cute little 3 year old named Sarah.

[thirtysomethingteen]

Sorry that you're triggering - I've been there before and it sucks. Is there something you can do to distract yourself? Intense exercise usually does it for me.

 

Also, kudos on fostering the cats and dogs, you and your wife are saving lives together. :-) My husband and I have fostered before and it's something I always remember when things are rough - that my husband loves animals so much he's willing to get up in the middle of the night every night to bottle feed/medicate sick kittens. I love and appreciate his compassion for animals and I'm sure your wife loves this about you too. :-)

 

In regards to your question, I've never had an affair but I do have a friendship with another man where there has been boundary issues...

 

I guess I do keep momentos, sort of. I have a folder at work where I have emails saved. They don't contain anything scandalous as this guy would never in a million years put anything in writing that could be used against him later, but there are inside jokes and sweet messages that I can't (yet) bring myself to delete. I do hope to get to the point where I don't care enough to save them. I'm not quite there yet.

 

I also have a gift he had made for me at home. My husband knew about it (from before he knew about the "boundary issues" with this guy) but I think he's forgotten about it because I keep it tucked away. After my husband learned about the other guy's advances I came home one day and couldn't find it - my heart was beating so hard and I was practically hyperventilating because I thought he'd taken it and destroyed it. Sick, I know. I ended up finding it and then hiding it. I don't feel crazy like that anymore but I'm still more attached to the damn thing than I'd like to be.

[EverySunset]

My STBXH kept mementos. He said she was only a friend now. Why shouldn't he keep them?

 

Oh hell no. I am a mellow kind of girl, laid back, gentle sweet and forgiving. But these mementos? I destroyed them in truly Spielberg fantastic fashion and showed the pieces to my STBXHs best friend, who then offered to crush them all to dust.

 

I wiped them off the face of this earth.

 

Years later I wouldn't give a flying pan of fudge. But then? I was determined not to share my home with anything she gave my husband. She can replace them all and hop in his bed now for all I care.

 

Apathy is a gift I enjoy like Christmas.

[waterwoman]

H's affair was 'only' 6m but if I had found anything from her I'd have kicked his arse out of the house so hard he's have been spitting out his own teeth!!!

 

As it was when he finally got a new phone on his contract I enjoyed smashing the old one (the one that he had used during the A) to bits in the garden with my spade!

[solostand]

My MM has mementos of me, all kinds of little things, even a sculpture I made of him - I couldn't believe he actually wanted it and wanted to take it home. He had them hidden in a box. Not sure if his stbxw found them or not. I also have mementos of him but I am single so it doesn't matter really, except if someone asks where I got this or that lovely thing. Now I tell them the truth.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I made WW throw out everything related to her affair. New bathing suit, some perfume she bought, this stupid little gym bag, and all of her underwear. Anything that set me off when I looked at it got tossed.

 

I asked her if he bought her any gifts, and she said no. I just chuckled and said "nice."

 

I did find an email exchange between then once, and I asked her to delete it, and she did.

 

If she wants to see a memento of a relatinship, she needs to look at her left hand.

[Be_Strong]

My wife has denied keeping any mementos from her LTA. I have a very hard time believing her. In my mind, she has a little stash of love letters, cards, pictures, jewelry, etc. that she keeps hidden somewhere. Like you, Nightmare, when I trigger and I'm home alone I've done "the search" to see what I could find. I'm pretty sure though that she would never keep that stuff hidden in my house. More likely it is hidden at her work place.

[Spectre]

I would hope they wouldn't keep anything, talk about sick. Well, not that sick if they are properly dumped by the one they cheated on, but if they stayed with the person they betrayed? You best not be keeping any items. I'd be tempted to *literally* boot a woman to the curb over such an offense. I'm talking the chick walking away with a nice sized boot print on her jeans.

[Miss Clavel]

A question for WS's.

 

Long term affairs (LTA's) are definitely relationships, unlike one night stands or even short term affairs. Chances are those who have LTA's have memories of them - probably similar to old boy/girl friends from before marriage.

 

That's just what I imagine.. I have no actual experience with a LTA as I am a BH.

 

So I'm wondering if those WS who have LTA's - do you still have mementos from the relationship?

 

This could be a nice gift, or even old letters... (like were kept in the Bridges of Madison County).

 

I'm really curious if you keep things from your LTA - and if so I guess my next question would be why?

 

TIA

 

my ex kept the ring i gave him at our wedding. i asked for it back, repeatedly. he always said no.

[nightmare01]

I went through some of WW's stuff the other day but didn't find anything. Like a lot of people here, if I were to find something that would be the end of our relationship.

 

All this talk of violence though - I know that it feels good to say, but if you act on it you'll likely end up in jail, or at least have a RO against you. All this is a bit unequal though, because I've spoken to a lot of BW who have slapped, punched, kicked, destroyed property, and thrown things at their WH - and everyone cheered them on. OTOH if a BH were to do that we would definitely have some legal blow back from that.

 

In my case, had I found a memento among her things, I would have cancelled her plane ticket home. If she longs to be with OM, then she can go and be with him.. but she would never be back in my life again.

 

After canceling her plane ticket I'd box all her crap up and ship it out there... maybe to OM's house .. and since he's still with his BW, I'm sure she would be amused to get all my wife's stuff shipped to her.

[thirtysomethingteen]

All this talk of violence though - I know that it feels good to say, but if you act on it you'll likely end up in jail, or at least have a RO against you. All this is a bit unequal though, because I've spoken to a lot of BW who have slapped, punched, kicked, destroyed property, and thrown things at their WH - and everyone cheered them on. OTOH if a BH were to do that we would definitely have some legal blow back from that.

 

As a woman I wholeheartedly agree. After my husband finally admitted to cheating he actually *asked* me to punch him in the face to make us both feel better. I told him there was no freaking way I was stooping so low as to commit an act of domestic violence to make HIM feel better about being a cheater and a liar! There is never any justification for violence between spouses, I don't care whether you're a man or a woman.

[Bittersweetie]

My A was mostly online, and just after d-day I deleted 90% of the mails and chats. Then the other 10% about 6 months later. I even got rid of the clothes I wore when I met him.

 

We've moved a couple of times since d-day, and I doubt very much there is anything else around here, but if I happened to come across something A-related in this house I'd be horrified.

[violet1]

This thread made me start thinking if I had anything left over from my A. I still had a scarf that my XAP gave me for my birthday a year ago. I just chucked in the garbage a few days go. I honestly forgot all about it.

[Spectre]

To be honest if you think she is keeping stuff at work then..you go confront her at her work and find out. Sorry, she doesn't get to keep sh*t from this guy. She has the memories banging him and betraying you, those will already last a lifetime. Don't let her get away with it, I know I've said polygraphs aren't reliable, but hell, ask her to take one swearing she kept nothing. She doesn't get to make a fool of you by keeping this stuff behind your back.

[Spark1111]

FBS here.....she gave him a rugby shirt he really liked. I asked him to get rid of it after DDay and he promised he would. he forgot....

 

So when putting away folded laundry in his closet and discovering it....It felt like I had been bitten by a rattler.

 

I threw it it the middle of the floor and dumped coffee grinds on it...Day two, I dumped other garbage....Day three, found some old spray paint...ok, ok, outtamymind....but he threw it out.

 

when I questioned him about why he had been so disrespectful, he honestly, densely responded: I really liked that shirt. Love, schmove.

 

she also gave him small figurines of knights in shining armor, which he tossed after I wistfully stared into the distance and announced: Jeez, I coulda sure used a knight in shining armor. Think there is someone out there for me and the kids?..They were gone the next day.

 

And I found a few cards, spiritual and inspirational in nature....lots of references to 'God' and his plans for us, and I commented: Imagine that? A woman quoting God and his scriptures who is f'ing a married man. who knew a good person could do both with such ease?

 

Ok....so I am not known for my subtlety.....

[road]

Yes WW's refuse to get rid of affair mementos.

 

 

I wonder if they would keep them if they realized that her and BH's children were to find them. Hence finding out what their mom/WW did to their dad/BH?

[Realist3]

Yes, but it is still too early to call it over and done.

[DKT3]

I has never thought about it until I read this thread a few days ago. So I asked. She paused for a moment then lowered her head and said "I have something he gave me". Honestly it didn't bug me at all, it was a fairly costly item and she said she would throw it out. I told nope its ok, EBAY baby.

 

We are way out, and the affair stuff on my part is over and done with. I did what I felt I needed to do about her affair for myself. Now back then it may have pushed me out quicker knowing that she had his crap still laying around my house. She has seen or spoken to him in well over 5 years. She told me it really held no meaning it was just something practical and useful (which it was).

 

I think if one is still looking for a reason to stay with a wayward spouse this could be hurtful and impede that process. Once your found your reason to stay these things hold less meaning.