Slept in his bed, he did nothing? Is he just not interested?

[Jame22]

I never in my life thought I'd see this.

 

A woman actually complaining that a dude didn't want to sleep with her? Has it occured that maybe, just maybe, he respects you?

 

Is respectable men so rare these days that women are shocked by it?

 

Don't think on it too much. If it bothers you so much, assume he definitely isn't into you for your body.

 

Most girls would love a man that respected her space like that. Here you are complaining about it.

 

My problem with your post is that it puts woman on a pedastool. Her sexuality needs to be acknowledged. The thought process of a man should be that If she's in your bed and hasn't given you a clear "no" it's not a mistake. She's not some delicate fairy tale princess, she's a human and she wants to get laid just like you do. It's the man's job to escalate. In fact I think it's more disrespectful to sleep with a girl and not touch her. I've actually made this mistake before and guess what, after 3 dates I never heard from her again..wonder why? haha looking back it makes me cringe.

 

If the man doesn't make a move like the guy in the original post some woman are going to feel rejected.

 

In this case I really think the guy isn't interested. Either that or he's got some real issues.

[umirano]

In fact I think it's more disrespectful to sleep with a girl and not touch her. I've actually made this mistake before and guess what, after 3 dates I never heard from her again..wonder why? haha looking back it makes me cringe.

 

If the man doesn't make a move like the guy in the original post some woman are going to feel rejected.

 

Interesting POV. I did that too. Not cringing so much right now. I was young and inexperienced. I can forgive myself.

[endlessabyss]

This.

 

He doesn't flirt, hasn't had a relationship for five years, and is puritanically respectful in his desire to act gentlemanly. He has no clue how to make a move on you, and would be too terrified of rejection to do so even if he did.

 

If you want to get anywhere with this guy, you are going to have to put in 100% of the effort to get there yourself.

 

So alpha, doe.

[stillafool]

Well after your text you will know he likes you too if he calls and makes a date. Good luck.

[Lansing]

How did he respond to your text?

 

 

I have had female friends throw themselves at me and I haven't been interested because I either wasn't attracted to them physically or I wasn't attracted to them emotionally (i.e. I thought they were a bit crazy).

 

Would you say you are physically attractive? If you come across as too forward that might make him less interested as well.

[Els]

This.

 

He doesn't flirt, hasn't had a relationship for five years, and is puritanically respectful in his desire to act gentlemanly. He has no clue how to make a move on you, and would be too terrified of rejection to do so even if he did.

 

If you want to get anywhere with this guy, you are going to have to put in 100% of the effort to get there yourself.

 

Some guys are actually selective about whom they have sex with or are in a relationship with.

 

Why is it so hard for anyone to accept that this man just might not be interested in her and was just being a good friend by not letting her drive back drunk? Not every man tries to put the moves on anything in a skirt. Nor is being single so terrifying and undesirable to everyone that they would rather grab the first semi-interested girl regardless of whether they were interested in her or not.

 

Given that he actually has been in a LTR before (according to the OP) my guess is that he is capable of putting in effort where needed, and he will do so in the future if there is a woman whom he is actually interested in. The OP is not her.

[LifeandPerseverance]

He just now responded to my text. It's a long one, but mostly how he "thought the night went really well" and how "all his friends thought I was super cool" and then quote: "You didn't offend me Friday night, I don't get offended easily. I also really appreciate the compliments! [then a big awkward space like he took something out when editing his own text?]Thanks a lot. I had a great time, and you are welcome to come down anytime." That's it. That's all I got. No mention of me being attractive too, NOR him saying "thank you you're like the sister I never had (insert "im seriously not at all ever gonna be interested in YOU").

 

 

So, he acknowledged it but said nothing? That means he's DEFINITELY not interested, huh?

 

Would you say you are physically attractive? If you come across as too forward that might make him less interested as well.

That's tough to answer objectively--I'm my own worst critic. I'm a little over 5'9", the low end of a healthy normal weight (I'm a runner--he is too), light brown hair and hazel eyes. I have straight teeth (thank you, all those years of braces), etc. So I guess I'm at least decent? If that answers your question?

[anna121]

Well, his text certainly doesn't indicate interest.

[avintagegirl]

Yeah I think I'd move on after that text.

[PogoStick]

I think these people are being too harsh on you. If you like this guy and can accept his lack of confidence then go for it. He might be a great guy once you open him up. You two sound cute and you could be a good couple. He said he doesn't flirt and girls like that. Most likely he doesn't know how to flirt, or he's too afraid to try. He said he had a good time and you're welcome to visit. That could be his way of inviting you.

 

You're both being indirect. Calling him attractive isn't the same as saying you're interested. Not at all. I tell grandmas they're attractive. I tell *itches they're attractive, but I might still hate them.

 

If you want him to know then say "I like you and want to go on a date." See how simple that is? You have to step up if you want this to move forward. You might even have to give him the first kiss. Just press the issue and get it out of the way. If he's truly not interested then you can stop wasting your time.

[IronZ]

Ok listen, if you want to stop with the games and the what ifs, you need to be CLEAR and UP FRONT with him. It's painfully obvious based on his actions and his response (taking out stuff so as not to say the wrong thing) that he's hesitant about making a move. He needs some coercion. You need to just SAY IT. Just tell him "hey, I like you."

 

Follow it up by asking him out on a date. It's a bold move to make and women don't usually make it, but it's very clear this guy is too chicken to make a move. You're going to have to do it for him. If that's not alright with you then by all means, move on. But I don't think he said anything to you that shows lack of interest. It just shows that he's afraid to make a move.

[ascendotum]

I think with that txt/email she sent him, she gave him a good opportunity to leverage off that if he really did fancy her but was just shy. I think he really likes her but maybe growing up as kids/neighbors he sees her more still in the non sexual role, like a sister as someone said. It was good move by the OP, to see some imitative from the girl in a situation such as this, but I think his reply back is enough for her to assume he does not see her as the sort of girl that gets him excited.

[Diezel]

He shares a room with his roommate, and the roommate had a girl-kind of more than a friend-staying over, who was going to sleep up in his bed.

 

Um, maybe this had something to do with it?

Just guessing.

[irc333]

LOL...funny, last year had the same thing happen just after Halloween. This woman, who I had known for while we started to date....she invited me to her place to binge watch American Horror Story.

 

There was a big TV in the front room and a couch and I was prepping to sit down and she said, "Oh...no...we'll be watching it in my bedroom."

 

I was like (oh, wow, she's really taking it further)

 

Her reason was that she don't like her dogs to be on the couch and they may hurt themselves jumping down , and I was thinking...hm, can the same thing happen in the bed?)

 

It's getting to be around 2 am and she's distance herself from me still, kept the dogs in between us, but I go in for a some contact and she pushes me away.

 

Said, "She wasn't ready yet".

 

And I was like 'Hon, you invite a man to watch TV IN your bed, and you don't want something to happen?"

 

In the past she was questioning herself on whether or not she's been a tease with men....well, afterwards, I gave her her answer.

 

She didn't like it.

 

I really have no idea what category to put this under.

Long story short: Old friend invited me to his Halloween party last night. I've always kind of had a thing for him, and the party was great. Everybody had some drinks, then went out. In a crowded club, with just enough alcohol in me, I tried to tell him what I've always thought of him. I asked, "What's your deal with girls? You're attractive, tall, smart and interesting, so why don't you ever have girls around? Are you...gay?" I phrased it well and didn't come out as offensively as it does right there on the internet.

He told me quote, "I had a girlfriend in high school, but not in 5 years (we just graduated from college, so that equals all of college he hasn't had a relationship). I go on a date occasionally. I don't flirt. And that's what girls like, that's what they want. However, I am really good at math (he's engineer, and this made me laugh). I'm not gay. How long has it been since you had a boyfriend?" "Couple years?" "And are you gay?" "No."

 

 

We needed to go down to find his friends shortly after, so I didn't get to say much else, except mention once more squeezed into the conversation that he's "attractive".

 

 

He had told me earlier I could stay the night if I wanted (nice, because I wanted to drink and wouldn't if I had to drive, obviously.). We came back to his apartment, and I was going to go get my sleeping bag. Him, "No, don't go back to your car. Just use mine." He got it for me, then changed his mind, and decided he wanted ME to sleep in his bed, and he would sleep ON THE FLOOR in his sleeping bag. He shares a room with his roommate, and the roommate had a girl-kind of more than a friend-staying over, who was going to sleep up in his bed. My friend was like refusing to sleep in his own giant queen bed with me. I thought "Okay that's it then." And within 5 minutes he changed his mind before he turned the light out, climbed up in the bed, STILL IN THE SLEEPING BAG, ON TOP OF THE COVERS, and slept in bed next to me like 1.5 ft away the whole night. Never touched me. Nothing. In that almost awkward, hyper-aware of where someone is way.

 

 

This morning, roommate #3--the lucky guy with his own room, told me while my friend was in the shower, "No, he wasn't avoiding you. I saw. He would do the same for any girl--he would avoid sleeping in the bed at all cost. And if he did, he would want to respect you and not encroach on your space. I'm surprised he got up there at all." I definitely got the feeling girls don't stay over often, if ever, for him. Not that I sleep in a bunch of strange people's beds--I can count the guys I've fallen asleep near on one hand, but I've never had one NOT make an attempt to touch me?

 

 

I guess my question..If he avoided touching me (he wasn't drunk, neither was I. We weren't sober exactly but not downright drunk), is that pretty obvious, a guy's not interested? Or was he just being awkward and respectful as a guy who's had no experience since he was 17, and according to himself "doesn't and can't flirt"?

He's a great guy--when we all went out, made sure I took an extra jacket of his (on top of my own), got me water as well as himself at the club, offered me his shorts to sleep in, etc etc. Also, was my comment about him being attractive..would most guys GET that I was saying I'm interested? Even an oblivious one?

We're 23 and 24.

[LifeandPerseverance]

I think these people are being too harsh on you. If you like this guy and can accept his lack of confidence then go for it. He might be a great guy once you open him up. You two sound cute and you could be a good couple. He said he doesn't flirt and girls like that. Most likely he doesn't know how to flirt, or he's too afraid to try. He said he had a good time and you're welcome to visit. That could be his way of inviting you.

 

You're both being indirect. Calling him attractive isn't the same as saying you're interested. Not at all. I tell grandmas they're attractive. I tell *itches they're attractive, but I might still hate them.

 

If you want him to know then say "I like you and want to go on a date." See how simple that is? You have to step up if you want this to move forward. You might even have to give him the first kiss. Just press the issue and get it out of the way. If he's truly not interested then you can stop wasting your time.

 

I hadn't looked at it this way, and I think you definitely have a point.

However, I also want to be careful not to scare him and ruin it, if he's not interested.

 

 

My text, I think, would have been enough to convey interest to a normal-semi adjusted guy..But would it have been enough to convey that I'm interested to an engineer..Especially one who hasn't had a relationship (but I guess he has gone on dates) in years, and self reportedly "doesn't flirt"?

I'm busy and he's busy (he works 40 hours a week, plus lately according to him and his roommates he's been working a half day on the weekends as well), but he doesn't have a washer at his place so he comes up to his parents to do laundry ever couple weeks at least. And they live about 20 mins from me.

So I guess I'm saying if he wanted to get coffee/hang out/invite me to something again..He would right?

 

 

Otherwise, I'll be updating you all 3 months from now that I've never heard from him again.

[heartshaped]

So I guess I'm saying if he wanted to get coffee/hang out/invite me to something again..He would right?

 

Normally, I'd say yes, but I'm getting the vibe from this guy that he isn't the type to take the lead or make moves.

 

Why don't you invite him to something?

[Standard-Fare]

The one conclusion that can be made without question is that this dude is super awkward with women. That "sleeping bag on top of the bed" move is just pitiful.

 

What's up in the air is whether he's into you. The layers of awkwardness make that impossible to determine. His behavior could reflect: a) his lack of balls in making a move/his attempt at showing you "respect" or b) his genuine lack of interest.

 

I do think there's a grain of hope in there due to his roommate's comments and also the fact that he DID get in the bed at all. I cringe at the way he handled that one, but my guess is a guy that awkward wouldn't have placed himself in such close proximity to a woman at bedtime had he not had some curiosity/attraction.

[stillcold]

OP, you won't know till you ask. Tell him you're interested and ask him directly as well, you'll have you're answer then; with us and this thread, it's all going to be guess work until then. But if you ask me, I don't think he's interested being an awkward guy or not. But again, we could all be wrong so just go ask!

[sabre80]

I am surprised that no one brought up the drinking. If this guy has known you a long time he may have not wanted to compromise you while you were impaired. If it were me I would be mortified if someone I had known for a long time and I made a move that you welcomed while drunk but regretted the next day. I would want the first time to be sober.

[LifeandPerseverance]

I discovered that my alma mater plays a team in the city he lives in, this upcoming weekend (literall,y he lives 15 minutes from the arena). Given I went to college a couple thousand miles away, this doesn't happen often and I found super cheap tickets. I bought them. And I'm going to invite him. I know he's not really a sports fan, but, hey. And if he says no, I'll still go, alone!

Kind of nervous to text him and ask--doesn't that sound stupid? I would almost rather not ask (to be told no), and go alone than face the rejection? haha

We'll see what he says. If he says no, I guess we have an answer for this whole question, right?

[somedude81]

Ask him and have fun.

[lino]

Lovely. A guy is respectful and his sexual orientation is questioned.

 

Nice guys take note!

[Eternal Sunshine]

Good luck but my feeling is that he isn't that interested.

[Leigh 87]

My latest lover didn't make a move despite being in the same bed as me; it is called being normal and a gentlemen instead of only thinking with your dick.

 

We have since gone on to have awesome sex...

 

And also - if things were supposed to happen between you and a friend, they would have by now!

 

When there are true sparks and chemistry, things just happen already!

[Leigh 87]

Lovely. A guy is respectful and his sexual orientation is questioned.

 

Nice guys take note!

 

 

 

I know, right!>!

 

When a guy recently slept next to me he didn't try a thing - and I didn't assume a thing about his sexual orientation.....

 

I mean, just because a guy is nice to you, even kisses you or offers his bed up for you, it doesn't mean he likes you or is even that attracted to you. His later actions will speak volumes.

 

If he is interested he will ask you to come over alone some other time. That's what happened with me - he asked me over again, alone... in addition to making slightly suggestive yet polite remarks such as " you shoulda stayed ;)" (when I left his place after sleeping in the same bed as him yet without anything sexual)

 

He also said " we can do more important things other than sleeping next time"

 

He is Croatian; but men have a universal language when they want a woman, even if it is just fun they will make it known rather than just doing nothing.

 

And also - when we did meet again he was not kissing or groping me or being gross. He waited until we were in bed, he kissed me for ages and he didn't just go straight to touch me, he talked, we talked for hours and then, only then, did stuff happen.

 

He told me that now 34, he has self control where as when he was age 18, he would have not been able to control himself around women..

 

If this guy does nothing, nothing should happen. Guys take action if they are interested in a woman.

Edited November 10, 2014 by Leigh 87