Author LifeandPerseverance Posted November 19, 2014 Author Share Posted November 19, 2014 Also..I figured out yesterday while looking all over the house...My other pair of gloves are in the front seat of his car. Were they cheap? Yes. But still, he has to have seen them by now. If a friend left their gloves in MY CAR..I would text them and tell them. Which to me says..he's NOT texting me "intentionally"--either because he's waiting for something, or because he's all together avoiding me. Comments are coming back to me from Friday night. A comment from him to me, that he said twice: "I'm the only guy you know within 2,000 miles." I told him that's not true. Then later he repeated it and added, "It would be different if you knew 50 guys here." Another comment, "I'm not the greatest looking guy in the world." another, early on while rubbing his back, "Am I bony?" And another favorite: "I'm just some guy who works a LOT, and lives in a crappy house in ______." Weirdly self-depreciating things like that? I know this week he has two important, stressful things going on in addition to work--one of which is a grandparent not doing well in the hospital. The hospital, I might add, that's 10 minutes or less from where I live and go to school. And he mentioned he came up multiple times last week (to see the grandparent, and stayed the night with his parents..Yet he never contacted me?) I've never kissed a guy, and then never heard from him again. That hasn't happened. Even if contact was short lived following going out. So this is all the more weird. I'm in law school. So I have more than enough things to keep me busy during the week, and this week I'm actually writing the memo from hell, but that doesn't completely make me forget this, it's in the very back of my mind. On one hand, I want to text him. On the other hand..If I text him, I'll never know if he would have reached out to me on his own. Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 Again, with most guys you'd reach the assumption: "He's being an a*shole. Screw him. Moving on." But with THIS guy, it's more like, "What the hell is going on in his brain?" For me this would be too frustrating to deal with. But you seem to see a lot of positive qualities in this guy, so if you have the patience and compassion... keep trying. He will definitely need a woman with patience and compassion. Link to post Share on other sites
MrNate 2.0 Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 So.....did you two get it on yet? Someone had to ask. Link to post Share on other sites
Andy_K Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 on one hand, I want to text him. On the other hand..If I text him, I'll never know if he would have reached out to me on his own. You haven't really taken in what we've told you yet. However weird you feel about texting first, he feels 1000x more. He is almost certainly waiting for you to do it. Let me reiterate it again - you cannot sit back You. Must. Make. EVERY. First. Move. Is that clear? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Anderlie Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 You have your opening, text him about getting your gloves back and go from there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LifeandPerseverance Posted November 19, 2014 Author Share Posted November 19, 2014 You haven't really taken in what we've told you yet. However weird you feel about texting first, he feels 1000x more. He is almost certainly waiting for you to do it. Let me reiterate it again - you cannot sit back You. Must. Make. EVERY. First. Move. Is that clear? Makes sense and I'm taking it in. And he's worth keeping after, even if I have to move and guide things the way I WOULDNT have to with a guy who's doing this regularly. He's a great guy. A little rusty, but great in so many ways its more than worth it. BUT..um...last night while I was apparently writing this update post, my phone was dead on the charger. Then I went and checked it an hour later..During the time I wrote the last update...He texted me. Just checking to see how my week is going and how I'm enjoying the wonderful weather the Midwest is experiencing. I was giddy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 Comments are coming back to me from Friday night. A comment from him to me, that he said twice: "I'm the only guy you know within 2,000 miles." I told him that's not true. Then later he repeated it and added, "It would be different if you knew 50 guys here." Another comment, "I'm not the greatest looking guy in the world." another, early on while rubbing his back, "Am I bony?" And another favorite: "I'm just some guy who works a LOT, and lives in a crappy house in ______." Weirdly self-depreciating things like that? He is VERY insecure. It's not fun dating men like this, they tend to take everything the wrong way. You'll probably find you will be walking on eggshells around him. Give it a go by all means but when people are this insecure and this closed off, it doesn't tend to bode well for relationships. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LifeandPerseverance Posted November 20, 2014 Author Share Posted November 20, 2014 I replied to his text last night. He replied tonight earlier (typical for him to take this long). I replied and asked a question. He responded. I responded. Then he responds just now, "I'm about to hit the sack though, have a good rest of the week!" I felt the air rush out of me like a deflating balloon. I don't know if I thought he'd ask me to do something this weekend, or what. What was the purpose of him texting me last night, if all he was going to do was send me three awkward texts with no further questions, then seal the conversation and disappear? To me, "have a good rest of the week!" translates as/sounds like "Don't be expecting to hear from me again anytime soon." Wouldn't THIS be the moment where if he's bothered to text me and check on me..He asks me to get coffee or something over the weekend? And instead..this? I haven't responded. Part of me says "Say if he's in town over the weekend and wants to hang out to let you know." Part of me says..He knows what to do with this. I'm leaving for Thanksgiving this Tuesday. I will be gone through all of next weekend. And then we head into that savory season called...law school finals. If the dude wants to do something..This Saturday night or Sunday would be it for a few weeks. Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 I'm curious. Why are you so interested in this guy who just isn't trying to pursue you at all? He's not even trying. Maybe he's trying to get it across that he just wants to be friends. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 I replied to his text last night. He replied tonight earlier (typical for him to take this long). I replied and asked a question. He responded. I responded. Then he responds just now, "I'm about to hit the sack though, have a good rest of the week!" I felt the air rush out of me like a deflating balloon. I don't know if I thought he'd ask me to do something this weekend, or what. What was the purpose of him texting me last night, if all he was going to do was send me three awkward texts with no further questions, then seal the conversation and disappear?. He has no clue as to this....'I felt the air rush out of me like a deflating balloon.'. You are sweet girl who used to live next door who is still just being nice & friendly with him. For all you know the girls he's liked in the past few yrs have got creeped out when he made a move or have friend zoned him though for sure his weak nice guy approach would have helped place himself there plenty. As a result he has lost his mojo (the lil bit he had), which is pretty clear from those negative remarks he made about himself and his wariness at offending you by grabbing you. He might be fishing for confirmation that you fancy him with those comments. I'm not sure how you responded, but you have had to be pretty specific that you think he's a terrific guy and not 'lots of girls would find you a great guy' to confirm for him that you think he is worthy. He has not had a lot of success with women, maybe blunt knockbacks from even ones not half as cute as you so he is not sure if you like him as more than a friend. You might not have to steer things all the time in a relationship with him once he realized he's won you, but right now you need to be upfront and clue this dude up. No more laying out breadcrumbs. Link to post Share on other sites
Jame22 Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 (edited) Um, no. Sooner is not better. The sooner he makes a move, the more annoying it is. Not if she's attracted to him. And I'm not talking about trying to take a girl to bed. I'm talking about making moves as in kissing, holding her hand, touching her forearm etc. If you have sexual chemistry with someone waiting will only cause more harm than good. I used to be really shy and socially awkward, and kind of still am but recently I've made it a point to kiss on the first date If i'm into her. I had an amazing date last weekend and we started touching/holding hands about two hours in and started kissing within 3 hours (it was a long first date). She told me i was a great kisser!!! which is cool because it looks like the practice is paying off. She's been blowing up my phone all week..trust me when I say she wasn't annoyed in the least bit. If a girl is in a guy's bed and he's attracted to her he needs to at least go for the kiss. This guy in the post is not necessarily a gentleman, not necessarily respectful. All we can be sure of is that 1) he has some serious social problems OR 2) he's not interested. I don't know why everyone wants to play the respectful gentleman BS card. In this case I'm thinking leaning towards '"he has some serious social problems." Edited November 20, 2014 by Jame22 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Andy_K Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 I haven't responded. Part of me says "Say if he's in town over the weekend and wants to hang out to let you know." Part of me says..He knows what to do with this. . You presume too much. He likely doesn't know what to do next. Throw him a bone and go with your first choice above. Link to post Share on other sites
carly75 Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 He is respecting you. He proves to you that not all men are the same Link to post Share on other sites
Jame22 Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 (edited) He is respecting you. He proves to you that not all men are the same She was in his bed and it was not a mistake. She opened up to him by putting herself in a vulnerable position and he rejected, ignored, and I'd even say lead her on by getting in bed with her. I'm sorry but how is that respectful? I'm shocked that this girl is even still interested in him. I've made the same mistake once and she was never more than a distant acquaintance afterwords. Edited November 20, 2014 by Jame22 Link to post Share on other sites
Divasu Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 Someone mentioned Asperger... I dislike throwing clinical terms loosely, but if there is a slight possibility, there will be ongoing misunderstandings on both your parts (more so than your typical male-female association). Probably more frustration and confusion on your end then his, since, he's naturally inclined to do the opposite of what you come to expect. So, not sure "kissing him" forcefully like some mentioned, is such a good idea until you know what you're up against. A quick advancement of affection may in fact startle him. Ultimately, just be friendly. I dated someone who displayed similar traits and behaviors. The frustration for me became overwhelming and I imploded (think Beaker from the Muppets when his head blows up - that was my head). Of course, I can't say for sure what was what looking back, but, I was clueless and absolutely crushed by the turn of events. I would say for your peace of mind, and his, tread very very slowly. Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 I still think that he is just not interested. However since you like him and have gotten this far in investing time and energy, go ahead and make a clear suggestion to hang out over the weekend. Answer will reveal itself very soon. Link to post Share on other sites
hotpotato Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 She was in his bed and it was not a mistake. She opened up to him by putting herself in a vulnerable position and he rejected, ignored, and I'd even say lead her on by getting in bed with her. I'm sorry but how is that respectful? I'm shocked that this girl is even still interested in him. I've made the same mistake once and she was never more than a distant acquaintance afterwords. Lead her on by getting into bed with him? If she doesnt like him, ill take him. Link to post Share on other sites
hotpotato Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 Not if she's attracted to him. And I'm not talking about trying to take a girl to bed. I'm talking about making moves as in kissing, holding her hand, touching her forearm etc. If you have sexual chemistry with someone waiting will only cause more harm than good. I used to be really shy and socially awkward, and kind of still am but recently I've made it a point to kiss on the first date If i'm into her. I had an amazing date last weekend and we started touching/holding hands about two hours in and started kissing within 3 hours (it was a long first date). She told me i was a great kisser!!! which is cool because it looks like the practice is paying off. She's been blowing up my phone all week..trust me when I say she wasn't annoyed in the least bit. If a girl is in a guy's bed and he's attracted to her he needs to at least go for the kiss. This guy in the post is not necessarily a gentleman, not necessarily respectful. All we can be sure of is that 1) he has some serious social problems OR 2) he's not interested. I don't know why everyone wants to play the respectful gentleman BS card. In this case I'm thinking leaning towards '"he has some serious social problems." Its not bs. There are too many men who try to get physical way too fast. Why are we criticizing a guy for not being a horndog? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RebelWithoutACause Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 If you initiate again and ask him out for this weekend there is a big chance he'll accept, not necessarily because he really wants to see you but because he's very passive. And you'll be stuck in the same boat, confused and wondering where you stand with him. Just remove yourself from this situation, nothing good will come out of it. It'll be more of the same nonsense. Find somebody who won't make you second guess yourself all the time and who actually likes you and shows it. You know, like a normal adults do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 This really isn't your typical case of an a*shole guy playing hot and cold. From everything written here I truly believe this guy has a legitimate disorder of some kind. Whether Aspergers or something else. OP, it would probably be very helpful for you to know the diagnosis so you could know more about what to expect from him. But I have no idea how you could probe that subject delicately... It may be worth being upfront with him, like "I like you, I'd like to spend more time with you, but I have no idea how to read you" -- to see if he gives you more info. If you think that's too direct, then you'll just have to continue being the one who makes the first move with EVERYTHING, all the time. And again, it's up to you whether that's worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
Jame22 Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 Its not bs. There are too many men who try to get physical way too fast. Why are we criticizing a guy for not being a horndog? There's a huge space between horndog and asexual. As a man you want to be somewhere in the middle..this guy is not even close. Bottom line; if the girl wants action just as bad as the guy and he's not making any moves it's a lose-lose and it has nothing to do with respect or being a gentleman. Link to post Share on other sites
Jame22 Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 (edited) Lead her on by getting into bed with him? If she doesnt like him, ill take him. Yes, If you get into bed with a member of the opposite sex and no one has played the friend card certain expectations are naturally going to arise. He led her on. Edited November 21, 2014 by Jame22 Link to post Share on other sites
hotpotato Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 (edited) There's a huge space between horndog and asexual. As a man you want to be somewhere in the middle..this guy is not even close. Bottom line; if the girl wants action just as bad as the guy and he's not making any moves it's a lose-lose and it has nothing to do with respect or being a gentleman. I can agree with some of that. If shes really dissatisfied, maybe she would be better with someone else. Edited November 21, 2014 by hotpotato Link to post Share on other sites
Author LifeandPerseverance Posted November 22, 2014 Author Share Posted November 22, 2014 You presume too much. He likely doesn't know what to do next. Throw him a bone and go with your first choice above. Shortly after I wrote the last post I did just that as I fell into bed, "Night. Have a great day at work tomorrow. If youre up here this weekend and want to hang out let me know " I didn't expect a response. ive written him "night" before--after the Halloween confessional text extraganza--and he never replied. And I knew he was asleep at the point I sent Wednesdays text so all the more reason to never hear jack. But yesterday at lunch time (I presume), he replied, "Alright, will do. I'll see you soon." I never responded, just because there didn't seem like anything to respond to. It was afterall, the response to a GOODNIGHT text...But he rememebered it and held onto it and responded 12 hours later? Good sign? The "I'll see you soon"? Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted November 22, 2014 Share Posted November 22, 2014 He's just doing it you pacify you. There's no way he's gonna invite you out this weekend. You prob won't hear a peep out of him. Link to post Share on other sites
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