Affair has restarted - where to now?

[Tarnished]

My ex AP and I have recommenced our affair.

 

For the past eight months there has been threats from his wife that if I contacted him again she would pursue legal action, as well as all sorts of other nasty words spoken between her and I.

 

He and I were no contact for three months and then ran into each at an event. We didn't speak but just said a polite hello. I called him after this to say hello and see how he was doing.

 

This led to lunch, which led to emailing and phone calls daily and bam, it's all back on and the feelings are still as strong.

 

This time around we know there is much more invested in it and he insists he wants to go slow. He has told me it's not his wife he won't leave, he just can't think of leaving his children for a one week on/off custody deal. He knows he wants me in his life (our time of NC told him this) but just doesn't know what to do. I am in the same situation. It just seems impossible.

 

My head keeps telling me to just run - no good will come of this. But our first time affair ended nearly 12 months ago and after all that has happened and all this time later, we still have strong feelings for each other and can't seem to let each other go.

 

I know we are being so selfish - we are hedging our bets and deceiving our respective spouses while we figure out if we have the guts to jump and leave our marriages for each other. If his wife knew what was going on she would kick him out no questions asked - she forgave him once but she detests me so much that she wouldn't handle him being with me again.

 

I don't know what to do. I've tried to live without him in my life and couldn't. I'm so confused...

[Lurkeraspect]

My ex AP and I have recommenced our affair.

 

For the past eight months there has been threats from his wife that if I contacted him again she would pursue legal action, as well as all sorts of other nasty words spoken between her and I.

 

He and I were no contact for three months and then ran into each at an event. We didn't speak but just said a polite hello. I called him after this to say hello and see how he was doing.

 

This led to lunch, which led to emailing and phone calls daily and bam, it's all back on and the feelings are still as strong.

 

This time around we know there is much more invested in it and he insists he wants to go slow. He has told me it's not his wife he won't leave, he just can't think of leaving his children for a one week on/off custody deal. He knows he wants me in his life (our time of NC told him this) but just doesn't know what to do. I am in the same situation. It just seems impossible.

 

My head keeps telling me to just run - no good will come of this. But our first time affair ended nearly 12 months ago and after all that has happened and all this time later, we still have strong feelings for each other and can't seem to let each other go.

 

I know we are being so selfish - we are hedging our bets and deceiving our respective spouses while we figure out if we have the guts to jump and leave our marriages for each other. If his wife knew what was going on she would kick him out no questions asked - she forgave him once but she detests me so much that she wouldn't handle him being with me again.

 

I don't know what to do. I've tried to live without him in my life and couldn't. I'm so confused...

 

Wow! Seems the old adage is true; some people really don't learn their lesson.

 

I had to go back and read your back story as I'm fairly new here, and again,wow! You were busted not even a year ago, and your husband didn't kick you out or divorce you (but seems all you wanted to dwell on was how much his BS knew) rather, he decided to reconcile, and you proclaimed what a wonderful man he was and how much better he was than the disgusting MM.

 

Now here you are getting ready to truly throw your marriage and family away for this guy who threw you WAY under the bus, proclaimed you crazy, and lied to his wife about you. Geez.

 

You are truly in self destruct mode, as your BS will divorce you post hast once you're discovered x2.

 

Your poor husband. Maybe his next wife will take her vows seriously.

[jellybean89]

Sadly, it will take losing everything before you realize cheating isn't worth it. the MM claims to not want to be a part time dad and yet here he is, doing exactly what will cause that to happen...and he will resent the heck out of you when that happens.

 

Why hedge your bets - just jump in feet first and leave the spouses --- why do you both think it is okay to lie, deceive and disrespect them again? Was it so much fun the first time around? You two deserve each other so let your respective partners go so they can find honest, loyal and respectful people to have in their lives instead of you two. You seem to get off on knowing you are screwing the man of the woman who detests you (with good reason!). Seems like its more of a game for you....bet you won't find it funny when it implodes a second time.

[cif]

You will get busted. When it happens his wife will not leave him. He will beg her and throw you under a thousand buses. He will have his family in the end and you will be a blip, yet again, and slowly fade out of their memory.

 

On the other hand, you will lose your husband. Ask the BH in the infidelity section. You will be left with nothing. It's not worth it.

Edited November 2, 2014 by cif

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Can I try to translate?

 

This time around we know there is much more invested in it and he insists he wants to go slow. He has told me it's not his wife he won't leave, he just can't think of leaving his children for a one week on/off custody deal.

 

He has no intention of ending his marriage.

 

we are hedging our bets and deceiving our respective spouses while we figure out if we have the guts to jump and leave our marriages for each other.

 

You want to leave your marriage for him and are desperate to believe he wants the same thing.

 

If his wife knew what was going on she would kick him out no questions asked

 

You hope to eventually tell his wife so she'll kick his sorry rear to the curb and he'll be all yours.

 

This is unlikely to end the way you want it to.

[Decisiontomake]

Why would you want to put yourself through all the heartache again? It's highly unlikely, near impossible, that he'll leave his marriage and even if he did - independently or by being found out - the fall out from that would ruin your chances. I've just finished a 2.5 year affair and what the previous poster says was true of me and may be tru of you too regarding you wanting him to leave his marriage for you. Make it all ok and run off happily together. Most MM are not going to do that. I found the strength to leave my marriage and you should too if even after all you and your H will have been through in the last year has not strengthened your commitment to your marriage. You are opening nothing but heartache for yourself honey.

[DKT3]

If you could see me, you would see my shocked face.

 

I believe I told you back in april or may that you would be right back in this affair and you got angry.

 

You have no respect for your husband at all, and the only reason you stay is because MM won't leave his wife. He would do it then and he won't do it now.

 

Your not at all confused you clearly want the MM, yet you stay and steal your husbands life, holding hostage as you run around with and wait on MM.

 

Its so sad that people can be so short sighted and selfish.

[whichwayisup]

This is a really sad situation and no good is going to come of this. I hope you realize that this is the beginning of the end, when his wife finds out and she calls your husband, you two are in for a whirl wind of drama and fallout.

 

Not sure what you did or didn't do to try to get over him but from what you've said it seems neither of you did enough to stay away and go no contact, nor did either of you care enough about your spouses and children's feelings and their innocent lives which could very well be turned upside down soon.

 

Good luck and hopefully you'll be the one to wake up and end the affair. Don't be so afraid of feeling the pain of losing him forever. You might actually be losing your husband, your house and the life you know now if you don't stop the affair.

[MuddyFootprints]

Listen to your head. It knows what's up.

[Allumere]

There are many adjectives that apply to you in this situation...none very flattering.

 

You actually pursued this...you contacted him after contact at the event. Just that simple act was enough to show you have absolutely no respect or genuine feelings for your husband. Why on earth are you still married?

 

"..I tried living my life with out him and couldn't"....Bull. If he had died I'd imagine you would still be here breathing so please don't confuse a choice based on what you want verses reality.

 

This will fail. You will both be busted and kicked out/divorced. He will blame you because of the impact it will have on his relationship with his kids...you will end up alone.

 

I really take no joy in watching train wrecks..get you act together woman and knock this crap off or divorce your husband. I can't tell you how poorly I feel for him.

[AlwaysGrowing]

It is time to admit that on your side the marriage is over.

 

Find that one part of you that wants to treat your husband respectful and tell him that you are still seeing the OM and want a divorce.

 

Do at least that much. Give your husband that much.

 

What happens afterwards....no can predict the future.

[Sassy Girl]

My ex AP and I have recommenced our affair.

 

For the past eight months there has been threats from his wife that if I contacted him again she would pursue legal action, as well as all sorts of other nasty words spoken between her and I.

And yet... you ignore this... she's clocked you, has your number, knows your directive.... and yet... here you are....

 

 

He and I were no contact for three months and then ran into each at an event. We didn't speak but just said a polite hello. I called him after this to say hello and see how he was doing.

So this is on you... you're the aggressor. Own it

 

This led to lunch, which led to emailing and phone calls daily and bam, it's all back on and the feelings are still as strong.

Haha 'Bam!' No... Not Bam. You orchestrated this. You made a series of calculated choices. You wanted it. You knew it was wrong and where it would lead... Own it.

 

 

This time around we know there is much more invested in it and he insists he wants to go slow. He has told me it's not his wife he won't leave, he just can't think of leaving his children for a one week on/off custody deal. He knows he wants me in his life (our time of NC told him this) but just doesn't know what to do. I am in the same situation. It just seems impossible.

Right here... you're booty. He will not leave her or his children. He's setting expectations. So you know your place.

 

My head keeps telling me to just run - no good will come of this. But our first time affair ended nearly 12 months ago and after all that has happened and all this time later, we still have strong feelings for each other and can't seem to let each other go.

Lol. Yes you can. Its a choice. Stop thinking with your girl bits. When this explodes again - like it did LAST TIME - the fallout, pain will be worse. Strong feelings? Meh. You have strong feelings for yourself and the high you get. Same as him. Its all an illusion. How strong were those feelings when he ditched you last time to save his marriage?

 

 

I know we are being so selfish - we are hedging our bets and deceiving our respective spouses while we figure out if we have the guts to jump and leave our marriages for each other. If his wife knew what was going on she would kick him out no questions asked - she forgave him once but she detests me so much that she wouldn't handle him being with me again.

I don't see any indication he will leave his spouse. He's not even future faking with you. He told you straight up. You're in fantasy land

 

I don't know what to do. I've tried to live without him in my life and couldn't. I'm so confused...

 

 

For what its worth, I'm an OW... and this just has 'wrong' written all over it... how much more pain can you two inflict that you haven't already. Selfish doesn't even cut it.

[beach]

You are the victim of your own poor choices.

 

No one else to blame for your troubled mind but yourself.

 

You're not confused. You've done this with purpose, so stop playing the victim card.

 

Since you never asked a question there's nothing to offer.

 

I wish you well.

[Sassy Girl]

Wow... went back and skimmed through some of your other threads... SO he ended it and asked you to leave him alone... and yet you didn't... you persisted and persisted and persisted until you wore him down.

 

The man was trying to save his marriage, asked you not to talk to him, everyone told you to LEAVE HIM ALONE and you engaged anyway. Do you think of ANYONE but yourself. You couldn't even respect his boundaries when HE asked you to.

 

News flash - you may have those feelings but its all one way. I honestly think you need serious counselling. Serious. You are THAT kind of OW.

[adna89]

Wow ,so after he threw you under the bus,disrespected you in front of his wife ,you are the one contacting him FIRST? and even now he makes it clear right in the begining he WONT leave her for you! he is telling you where your place is!

 

what more do you need? this guy is probably just not satisfied with his sexlife in marriage,he sees you as a booty nothing else.

The worst part is how you behave towards your husband...seriously? the guy did something that very few men would do..he kept you as a wife after finding you cheated!! 99% men would throw you out same minute.You dont deserve to be his wife,or anyone elses wife....you really think this other guy sees any serious "wife " material in you? sorry but no....I can guarantee you if the wife finds out he will do and say anything to keep her,while you would leave your husband this minute if he only left his wife

 

 

Divorce and start dating singel men,since you obviously do not love you husband

Edited November 2, 2014 by adna89

[whatatangledweb]

Reading through your other threads this affair has been off and on all this year. Each time it ended you suffered. Why would you do this to yourself again? Is it because you hope his wife will kick him out or he will leave? Is it really worth it to suffer so much for something that going by your history is going to end again?

[whichwayisup]

Wow... went back and skimmed through some of your other threads... SO he ended it and asked you to leave him alone... and yet you didn't... you persisted and persisted and persisted until you wore him down.

 

The man was trying to save his marriage, asked you not to talk to him, everyone told you to LEAVE HIM ALONE and you engaged anyway. Do you think of ANYONE but yourself. You couldn't even respect his boundaries when HE asked you to.

 

News flash - you may have those feelings but its all one way. I honestly think you need serious counselling. Serious. You are THAT kind of OW.

 

She pushed and pursued, but you know what? He's just as much to blame since he allowed her back into his life and allowed the affair to start up again. He could have said NO and ignored her. He could have spoken to his wife and then together file an RO against her and involve her husband to make him aware of his wife's behaviour. None of that happened, MM has willingly chosen to continue the A, neither are victims here.

[Poppy47]

You ask where to now??? All down hill....

 

It's utter rubbish that you can't live without the man. You deliberately contacted him because you wanted to.

[Tarnished]

Everything that has been said is correct. I know the wrong in this situation but the heart wants what it wants, but there are four children to consider.

 

I guess I keep hoping it will be some great love story and work out for me and him in the end, but I think deep down I know it won't.

 

I will walk away from him and stay away this time... I see no other choice. As for whether I will ever do the right thing and leave my husband, I don't know... We have a fairly happy and comfortable life, just no passion on my side...

[Poppy47]

It won't turn into anything but a nightmare.

 

Does your heart not love your children?

 

That bit about what the heart wants is very self indulgent.

 

You are a wife and mother with responsibilities and commitments.

Be that.

Poppy

[NJ123]

Everything that has been said is correct. I know the wrong in this situation but the heart wants what it wants, but there are four children to consider.

 

I guess I keep hoping it will be some great love story and work out for me and him in the end, but I think deep down I know it won't.

 

I will walk away from him and stay away this time... I see no other choice. As for whether I will ever do the right thing and leave my husband, I don't know... We have a fairly happy and comfortable life, just no passion on my side...

 

Sorry to say but your going to probably cheat on your husband again since your not happy with him. Maybe not with this guy you were seeing, but with someone else. I'd never tell anyone to get a divorce, but why you would stay with someone you don't love anymore doesn't make sense to me personally.

[loveboid]

We have a fairly happy and comfortable life, just no passion on my side...

 

Your marriage is comfortable. MM won't leave his marriage for the same reason.

 

this guy is probably just not satisfied with his sexlife in marriage,he sees you as a booty nothing else.

 

You aren't satisfied with your sex life either as you said there's no passion in your marriage. Please admit you are both booty calls to each other.

 

I guess I keep hoping it will be some great love story

 

I doubt there's a great romance here...I'm not sure what that reasoning is...a fantasy? Justification? Denial? Since this is a booty call I predict, as others have, that you will each find another one when the dust settles.

Edited November 2, 2014 by loveboid

[still_an_Angel]

Everything that has been said is correct. I know the wrong in this situation but the heart wants what it wants, but there are four children to consider.

 

I guess I keep hoping it will be some great love story and work out for me and him in the end, but I think deep down I know it won't.

 

I will walk away from him and stay away this time... I see no other choice. As for whether I will ever do the right thing and leave my husband, I don't know... We have a fairly happy and comfortable life, just no passion on my side...

 

If the kids take priority then be the adult and let each other go. You have said so yourself you don't think this will work out in the end. Then why prolong it? How much battering can your heart take? Be kind on yourself, you know what you need to do.

 

If you don't feel the passion for your husband then let him go, he deserves to find his own happiness.

[Artie Lang]

i'm sure it's been suggested before, but you need to either quit ASAP or start looking for another job.

 

 

this is exactly why the complete NC rule is stressed.

[Allumere]

Everything that has been said is correct. I know the wrong in this situation but the heart wants what it wants, but there are four children to consider.

 

I guess I keep hoping it will be some great love story and work out for me and him in the end, but I think deep down I know it won't.

 

I will walk away from him and stay away this time... I see no other choice. As for whether I will ever do the right thing and leave my husband, I don't know... We have a fairly happy and comfortable life, just no passion on my side...

 

You need to treat this just like an alcoholic treats booze. You have an addiction so you must arm yourself with every tool you can. Please go and stay in therapy. Find a friend or two that you can lean on and call when that urge to contact this man comes up. If you have any belief in God this would be a really good time to focus on that relationship.

 

As far as the relationship you have with your husband y'all at square one. The power of forgiveness is giving actually both of you the opportunity to have a new marriage. It will take time, pain, frustration and brutal honesty but the possibility exist. Many marriages don't survive as we all know but some do....and how many WSs would have done anything for a chance to at least try after the fog lifted.