Teens & social drinking/drug use

[Buzzle]

I know that teens are often surrounded by alcohol and drugs (or at least marijuana) at parties. I understand how peer pressure can be and how teens just want to fit in. On some level, albeit low, I accept that drinks will be had at these parties… I don't condone it but I would be an idiot if I lived in denial that this is what goes on.

 

My 15 year old ended up at one of these parties last night. As a parent I don't love the idea of house parties, especially when I don't know the kid who hosted it and whether "yes his parents are home" truly means they are home (and if they actually monitor the kids). I told him I wanted the address where he would be and he agreed to provide it once he got there. In hindsight I should have just requested he provide it beforehand because when he arrived there he was a little less agreeable. That was irritating. He said he didn't know what the address was just yet and to be patient, and later he followed that up with "the house was dark when we got there and I couldn't see any house number" - fine, that I can understand, however I don't like the comments about me not needing to always know his whereabouts and the complaints about why he can't just go hang out with people without me always tracking him. My response to that is: it's a Friday night party and I have every right to know where you are. I need the address in the event something happens so I will know where to find you. Simple as that. I am NOT going to be put in the position of having no idea where my kid is.

 

Fast-forwarding: when I picked him up he seemed pretty normal. He talked about how many people there were there and how there were a lot of drugs. I asked if he had refrained and he said he had, but later he admitted (with a little pressing) that he had taken a shot of tequila. I wasn't sure what to say about that, and even though I felt like getting on his a$$ about it I was leary of doing so because he had come clean about it. I just told him although I am aware that goes on at parties, that he is a little young to be drinking. I told him I was glad he told me.

 

I thought about all this through the night and then decided that I should probably test him for THC. A little background: his dad (my ex) grows it for "medicinal purposes" and the past few years have been a nightmarish battle in court over his issue with child support and mine with his drug use. Our son got into his pot with a friend and smoked it, and on another occasion he was trying to sneak his friend over there to smoke it a SECOND time. Other family members and close friends have their cards as well. It's just in his face over there. I have a huge problem with our sons exposure to his dad's lifestyle and am finding it very hard to parent him on this issue when his father is so lax about it. After that first smoking incident I ordered some urine tests for THC and told him that I would test him randomly. He understood. Since that first incident which was early last year I had only tested him 1 time randomly, so it's not like I'm always on him.

 

Anyway I asked him this morning if he had smoked marijuana at the party and he said he had not. I stated that he should be perfectly ok if I drug test him then, and he was not happy. "That's not a way to build trust" yada yada, and something about his dad telling him that he would not "allow" me to test him (yeah.. right). He really did not want to, said that it wouldn't be fair for me to test him after every party. I told him that I cannot force him but his refusal will just equal a positive test. He then said he would take it but it "may test positive from second-hand smoke because there were SO many people smoking it there." Sounded to me like he knew it was going to be positive and s I asked him for the truth… just to be honest. He then admitted to smoking "just a puff." His test was positive of course.. shocker.

 

So now I don't really know what to do. I don't want to punish him as much as I want to instruct on what smoking marijuana can do to teenagers. There have been studies done on the teenage brain and marijuana use and it's not good. How just because it may seem mainstream that that doesn't make it right. I do get that there is some medical benefit to people who live in pain, like his father, and I get that there are "worse" drugs out there, but that still doesn't take away the fact I'm not ok with my kid smoking pot. I don't want to punish him and cause him to close up.. he did tell me about the alcohol after all, which I am thankful for. I haven't yet thought of an effective punishment for this or if there should even be one. Communication is the most important thing I think and I know that he will come across this situation time and time again. I'm just not sure what to do other than not let him go to any more parties for some time (unless I know the parents).

 

Is there even an effective punishment? What is your guys' stance on this?

[CC12]

He then admitted to smoking "just a puff." His test was positive of course.. shocker.

 

If he admitted to smoking pot, then why did you proceed to drug test him?

[todreaminblue]

You cannot be your teens conscience......i had drug problems with my daughter and i punished her by grounding her......a few nights later ....she wanted to go out......with this other girl i really thought was a troubled girl and i said nah you are grounded.....she tried to still go so i disabled her from going by pinning her down......we then after that the next week went to counselling where i was told i cant do that...which makes sense it was horrible to do......i cant make choices for my teensthey are old enough to walk out the door.....but i can show that i dont abide or agree or condone what they do that is detrimental and often illegal

 

my daughter went through some really hard times and some very hard lessons about people and about drugs.....all along i said to her this is why drugs are bad......and now she isnt taking drugs anymore.....or letting guys use her and is seeing the light at the end of the tunnel she has a way to go as we all do.... no one is perfect..but her heart is close.......sometimes teens need to learn for themselves and its horrible to have to go through it with them...to stand aside and see them fail ...but if they know that you are there to support them in right decisions they will come back you let them know when you dont agree or support...or that is what counsellors told me anyway and for th emost part it has been successful ......but my girl had a hardcore problem....with hardcore friends.........didnt help my heart not suffer though...to basically let it unfold.......pray hard and love harder...i wish you well...what i hav efoudn does work by the way is showing them people who suffer from drug abuse alcohol abuse and recount stories of the things that happen to good people from involvement in this scene....and it is a scene.i really do hate drugs.....and pot sucks severely......deb

[beatcuff]

Is there even an effective punishment? What is your guys' stance on this?

 

the groundwork was laid years ago, so stop fighting the ocean and work with it: a/k/a steer it.

 

your child admitted to their deeds. so there is hope. no more drug tests. it serves only, in their mind, that you 'don't trust them'. that means they will not trust what you say.

 

have a honest discussion about moderation: you can have 'some fun' but being drunk means you lose out on fun time because you 'passed out' AND you lose the next day: hangover. basically 'buzzed' or being part is good, 'drunk' is stupid. otherwise they will get better with their 'cover's stories.