mikimeow Posted March 14, 2005 Posted March 14, 2005 HELP! I must sound very silly to most of you. Here's a little background... I'm marrying my fiance, the love of my life in less than 3 months. My fiance travels a lot for work, and last time he returned from a business trip (Feb), I accidentally (really) found porn sites on his laptop. I've been trying so very hard to be open-minded, but I'm struggling so badly. Our sex life is ok, he is often very tired, too tired to make love to me. I know that he really, really loves me. But I still can't (although I try) accept the fact that he looks at this stuff. I just feel really bad, I'm attractive, smart, and funny, we are best friends, so why does he still have to need to look at some other naked women? Am I not good enough for him? I just can't help but feel that I'm being compared to them in some way. And what happens 10 years from now, when I'm older and less attractive, how does that work? He tells me that porn can never replace me, that it is totally seperate from our relationship. I know he loves me, but yet...still...I'm very confused... HELP!!! Should I still go through with the wedding??? I'm so scared...
Nicholas Posted March 14, 2005 Posted March 14, 2005 He tells you that porn is seperate from your relationship, and that it is not a replacement for you. He's often tired, it sounds like he works hard and travels and such. When you're exhausted, you often don't have the time for intimacy or anything like that. Unfortunately, the chemicals that compel him to continue his lineage are relentless, and porn is a nice tool to releive oneself of chemical pressure. Essentially, the difference is that he wants to make sex special with you, and that requires a lot more effort. Thus, he only does it when he can really put his heart into it, among other organs. You're his lover, not his napkin. There's a time and a place for both--you should be happy, because for some, there is no differentiation. You should listen to him, he knows his thoughts and feelings more than you'll ever be able to. If you listen to him, and find yourself unable to trust his appraisal of himself, and think that you're more qualified to assess what he's *really* thinking/feeling, then you are not ready to marry him.
Author mikimeow Posted March 14, 2005 Author Posted March 14, 2005 HELP! I must sound very silly to most of you. Here's a little background... I'm marrying my fiance, the love of my life in less than 3 months. My fiance travels a lot for work, and last time he returned from a business trip (Feb), I accidentally (really) found porn sites on his laptop. I've been trying so very hard to be open-minded, but I'm struggling so badly. Our sex life is ok, he is often very tired, too tired to make love to me. I know that he really, really loves me. But I still can't (although I try) accept the fact that he looks at this stuff. I just feel really bad, I'm attractive, smart, and funny, we are best friends, so why does he still have to need to look at some other naked women? Am I not good enough for him? I just can't help but feel that I'm being compared to them in some way. And what happens 10 years from now, when I'm older and less attractive, how does that work? He tells me that porn can never replace me, that it is totally seperate from our relationship. I know he loves me, but yet...still...I'm very confused... HELP!!! Should I still go through with the wedding??? I'm so scared...
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 14, 2005 Posted March 14, 2005 He tells me that porn can never replace me, that it is totally seperate from our relationship. For him, this is the truth. For you, its a deal breaker. Neither of you is wrong. Your views on it are wrong for each other, though. My advice? Ask him to go to a couple's counseling session or two and discuss your upcoming marriage with a counselor. Don't suggest that he needs to go because of the "porn" - ask him to go to couple's counseling in general, and then bring that up in the session. You will want to focus on needs and communication. He needs to understand your stance, and you need to understand his - and you'll both need to know the best ways to compromise. You'll be doing yourselves both a world of good to address this issue right from the get go, and its much easier when you have an objective third party to help you sort things out and keep the discussion focused objectively on the real issues.
Author mikimeow Posted March 14, 2005 Author Posted March 14, 2005 Thanks for your advice. We've been going to pre-marital counseling for a few months now, to make sure that we are prepared for marriage. The topic of porn came up after I found porn on his laptop. The shrink (a guy) told me that it is perfectly normal for my fiance to enjoy porn, and that I should try it myself sometime. I did not fell like the shrink helped, because he didn't really understand how I feel... what now???
moimeme Posted March 14, 2005 Posted March 14, 2005 Read Nicholas' answer on your other thread. It's excellent.
magda Posted March 14, 2005 Posted March 14, 2005 I think porn is a very important issue that you should talk about with your fiance in depth before getting married.
Thinkalot Posted March 14, 2005 Posted March 14, 2005 I think the shrink should have taken your views and feelings a little more into account, frankly. good luck sorting this out. To me, it would not be a deal breaker...but I am not you.
advisor Posted March 14, 2005 Posted March 14, 2005 Think of how hurt you are going to feel over the years with him into porn. The more he watches porn, he will be thinking of them while making love to you. and might compare you to them in his head. Of course he makes a distinction between them as far as he is able to talk to you and not them but what if he starts phone sex on his trip with those 900#s and one day they come up to his hotel. Ask him where he draws the line. It's kind of like like starting with "soft" drugs and then progressing to heavier substances and being addicted to them, to where your sex frequency might decline if he gets off on porn as he gets older and not be able to satisfy you too.
Author mikimeow Posted March 14, 2005 Author Posted March 14, 2005 I agree with you, I also think that our shrink should've taken my point of view and feelings a little bit more into account. I don't know if it's because he's a guy, or if he didn't see how much this really bothers me...I don't mean that I do not agree with his opinion, I am trying really hard and starting to understand what guys mean when they say that porn and making-love is different, but yet, I do feel like he (shrink) should have addressed my concerns a little more in depth. I just really feel like this is something that must be addressed before we go into our marriage. Sometimes I feel really silly, I feel like maybe I should just put this topic to the side, especially because of how much love my fiance and I have for each other...it really should be so much easier than what we've encountered so far, but yet, I know that I can only ignore this topic for so long, and that putting it off is not helping anything. It's just the type of topic that should not be ignored... I just don't want to end up 10 or 20 years from now, fighting over what should've been dealt with before we got married...I mean, isn't it easier to start a marriage with thorough understanding of what each other's needs and expectations are? To me, it's like starting a very long project together, isn't it better to gather requirements, scope, prediction of issues, expectation of outcome...etc before you begin such an important and meaningful life project together?
moimeme Posted March 14, 2005 Posted March 14, 2005 with thorough understanding of what each other's needs and expectations are? Yes, meaning that you must also understand his needs and expectations. He says it has nothing to do with you. You refuse to believe that. Already you've decided either you know more about how he thinks than he does or you don't trust him. For some reason, a shocking number of women seem to think that the men in their lives operate exactly the same way they do and therefore the men are lying bastards when they say the porn has nothing to do with the relationship. These women should avoid those men, since they will never believe them. I saw a bit on TV today about some Christian group that has a website for porn-haters. That's where you probably ought to look for a husband.
WithOrWithoutYou Posted March 14, 2005 Posted March 14, 2005 Well, some people like porn, others don't. Some couples even find it something they enjoy togehter, others don't. The fact that it bothers you so much is concerning. By that, I don't mean to say that there is anything wrong with you, but I find it concerning that the thoughts that you have are that he thinks you are not good enough, when you find porn on his computer. Is the porn on the computer, and his being too tired for sex the only reasons you think that? I guess what I am getting at, is that you seem to have reservations about marrying this man. Good relationships are not completely "about" sex, but I have always believed that sex is an important part of any good relationship. If yours is lacking in that department (and/or his porn viewing choices bother you), you should work through that with him BEFORE committing yourself to this man, and only this man, for the rest of your entire life. What the other poster said, about you being his lover, and not just his napkin, and him wanting to make it special with you could also be on the mark. Only you know whether that is really what the lack of regular sex is about, or not. And if you don't know, again, you should find that out before taking the big plunge. Most of the 30-plus years still together happily-married couples that I have encountered (which I can count on my fingers), tell me that when they walked down the aisle, there were NO reservations in their mind, they did NOT have serious doubts about "going through with it", and that everything just "felt right". Only you know if that is the case, or not. And if you are not sure, it doesn't cost extra to stay with him, as your fiance, putting off setting it in stone, while you find out.
life loser Posted March 14, 2005 Posted March 14, 2005 as a loser who likes porn, i gotta tell you i have never met ANY man who will not look at and talk/joke about porn, and I am talking rich, well-to-do guys as well as your geasy car mechanic every thinks of hanging porn on the office walls its a guy thing, you need to love your own body more and not let it threaten you - trust me - porn aint never as good as the real thing
Ladyjane14 Posted March 14, 2005 Posted March 14, 2005 The fact that you are troubled enough to ask this question means that it needs to be addressed. Don't marry this man until you have worked this issue out. If you are not currently getting premarital counseling, consider setting that up. This thing is going to be like a sore tooth over the course of your entire marriage.... if you don't reach an agreement that you will BOTH be happy with.
WithOrWithoutYou Posted March 14, 2005 Posted March 14, 2005 Originally posted by Ladyjane14 The fact that you are troubled enough to ask this question means that it needs to be addressed. Don't marry this man until you have worked this issue out. If you are not currently getting premarital counseling, consider setting that up. This thing is going to be like a sore tooth over the course of your entire marriage.... if you don't reach an agreement that you will BOTH be happy with. I think Ladyjane said it a bit better than I did, using fewer words. It isn't about the porn, it is about the fact you are troubled enough to ask this question...
whichwayisup Posted March 14, 2005 Posted March 14, 2005 If it is coming between you two - Meaning he is jacking off to it instead of making love to you then that is a huge problem. If it is something he does alone then that is his own private time. I just feel really bad, I'm attractive, smart, and funny, we are best friends, so why does he still have to need to look at some other naked women? Am I not good enough for him? I just can't help but feel that I'm being compared to them in some way. Discuss this with him. Maybe he doesn't know how you feel when he does this. Don't feel bad about yourself, he is marrying you and I'm sure thinks you are beautiful. I can understand the worry about being compared but I think it could just be a guy thing. If he says things to you referring to porn then I would worry alot more. Keep posting and I hope things work out.
tiki Posted March 14, 2005 Posted March 14, 2005 Never marry someone if you're not porn compatible. I know your situation is different, you're getting married in 3 months. But really consider this. Talk to him and maybe he would reconsider viewing porn? If he won't consider IT, reconsider HIM. I see far too many wives here unhappy about this situation, with husbands that never quit. But you've got to communicate it first to him. And you'd probably better get busy FAST!
moimeme Posted March 14, 2005 Posted March 14, 2005 trust me - porn aint never as good as the real thing All the men say this. All the women who have trouble with porn refuse to believe this. So who has the problem? If you can't trust your partner to be honest, then don't marry him.
RecordProducer Posted March 15, 2005 Posted March 15, 2005 I think the problem is that Miki feels bad about this and not whether watching porn is bad or not. First of all, ALL guys watch porn (married or not). Also all guys masturbate. The fact that you're bothered only tells me that you're madly in love with him and very jealous of every woman he may find attractive. But it's not really like that. He is alone on his trips (thank god) and gets horny. He watches people doing it and it helps him relieve his tension. It doesn't mean anything. Are you actually afraid that his high sex drive, type of personality and frequent trips may lead to cheating? Now that's another issue. Watching porn is not an issue. If you could get inside men's minds and see how they think, you would never ever marry anyone. What matters is how prepared he is to be faithful to you.
Author mikimeow Posted March 15, 2005 Author Posted March 15, 2005 Originally posted by RecordProducer If you could get inside men's minds and see how they think, you would never ever marry anyone. What matters is how prepared he is to be faithful to you. Could you maybe give me more of an insight of what you mean by that? I am absolutely confident that my fiance would never cheat on me, although I also know that a good relationship requires love and patience. So, no, I don't think my fiance would ever cheat on me...I do agree with you about me being jealous, I think I do get jealous because I am so loyal to him that I don't even think about any other man, so it was really hard for me to accept the fact that he finds other women (nake) attractive and he jerks off to their images...you know what I mean?
moimeme Posted March 15, 2005 Posted March 15, 2005 I think I do get jealous because I am so loyal to him that I don't even think about any other man, so it was really hard for me to accept the fact that he finds other women (nake) attractive and he jerks off to their images...you know what I mean? They've done a study not so long ago in which they observed the activity in areas of men's brains and women's brains while they watched porn. The differences were striking. You make the mistake of thinking that your guy thinks the same exact way you do. You maybe 'don't think about any other man'. He isn't thinking about other women, either. His eyes see them, his body reacts, but he's not fantasizing about loving them or having a relationship with them or even having sex with them (usually - at least that's what most men have said here, where's there no reason for them to lie). His brain is different. It's the same way he looks at a car and drools and you yawn and you look at curtains and drool and he yawns. That the thing that makes him drool is a picture of another human doesn't involve his emotions at all. And you have to understand that you don't think the same.
Thinkalot Posted March 16, 2005 Posted March 16, 2005 moi - you are one of the more balanced women on here when it comes to porn (well, and other things )... It can be so hard to take out the emotional reaction some women have though, even though they want very much to trust their man. It seems like something ingrained says it's not right, or perceives it as a threat or a problem. I hope that through discussion you can work through this miki, and also that you can learn to believe what he tells you. Read the advice people have given you here- it makes sense. I watch porn sometimes both with my fiance and without him, so I can't say I have a big problem with it. He usually only watches it with me, so I dont know how I'd feel if he watched it alone. I think if it was when he was away or whatever, then I could understand that. It would not be a rejection of me. Just as I dont think your man is in any way rejecting you.
moimeme Posted March 16, 2005 Posted March 16, 2005 moi - you are one of the more balanced women on here when it comes to porn (well, and other things )... I think you're in the minority in that opinion, Thinkalot It can be so hard to take out the emotional reaction some women have though, even though they want very much to trust their man. It seems like something ingrained says it's not right, or perceives it as a threat or a problem. I believe we owe it to ourselves and to those we love to be reasonable human beings. That means testing our feelings against what's fair and reasonable and, if we don't measure up, effecting repairs. I don't buy this 'I can't help my feelings' stuff. Yes, the feelings can try to overtake you, but you can learn to deal, cope, sometimes even change them. And to have someone tell you something true about themselves and then to say to that person 'no, I know more about what is in your brain than you do and you're lying' is a horrid thing to do to someone you claim to love.
Thinkalot Posted March 16, 2005 Posted March 16, 2005 I fear I may have been guilty of that on occassion. I have normally said sorry for not trusting, or questioning however, and had the error of my ways clearly pointed out to me!
CurvyGurl Posted March 16, 2005 Posted March 16, 2005 Seems like such a deeply personal issue. I think everyone will have a differing opinion. I have a religious background, so for me, porn is a no-go. Not only that but an addiciton to pornography is indicative of an addictive personality... if it's not porn it will be something else. Too much baggage to be brought into a relationship. Those who are more... ehmmmm... worldly... might be ok with porn and if it is ok with both of you, that is a good deal all around. Differing on this issue would be dealbreaker for me.
Recommended Posts