(Ex) Boyfriend believes something that isn't true.

[Dogqueen]

Hi everyone, I was wondering if someone could help me at the moment.

 

My boyfriend of a year and a half, on and off, has just broken up with me based on a rumor that I sent revealing pictures to another man while we were in a relationship and cheated on him, which are both very untrue. He also will not tell me where he heard the rumor or show me the "proof" he claims to have.

 

He ignores every text I send him, trying to explain myself and try to get him to talk to me like a mature adult.

 

He is already apparently talking to another woman and I couldn't be more upset.

 

How do I get him to talk to me and believe what I say? It's been 3 days since the whole incident and he's been ignoring me ever since even though I've spent nights crying, unable to sleep because of how upset I am.

[No Limit]

He was cheating on you and now came up with those stupid lies to make you feel bad. Stop contacting him, heal and move on.

[veggirl]

He's lying to you. He made up an excuse so he could dump you and date someone else. Im sorry your hurting. All signs point to HE was the one cheating, no one just randomly meets a new person in THREE DAYS. He was seeing her and needed an excuse to dump you w/o looking like an *******, so he made up a "rumor" that you were cheating. He's a dick, to be honest.

[gaius]

If he really wanted you he could have 5 different people telling him you were cheating and he'd believe you instead.

[joystickd]

If he really wanted you he could have 5 different people telling him you were cheating and he'd believe you instead.

Or there are somethings that she has done that lead him to believe she would cheat. If you fully trust and feel confident in a person's actions any rumor would get ignored. There's possibly something she said or did that would cause him to believe that.

[preraph]

Just this week I heard a tv judge say that doing this type thing is something she sees all the time with cheaters. They start accusing the other of cheating to justify their own cheating. They find fault or make it up to justify what they are doing. It is very common. I remember even my mother told me that once. Now I believe it. He's not the only one doing it. There is no mystery. There is no source of information. It makes him feel better to think so. He's a jerk. Be glad he's gone.

[Maleficent]

I wouldn't go as far as to say he cheated on you but he is definitely using this as an excuse to break up.

Which really sucks because then he will go around telling people you cheated on him now...

 

I'm sorry I don't really have any advice. What you are going through sucks.

 

You're also about to find out who your real friends are. Feel free to come on here and vent.

[Maleficent]

Or there are somethings that she has done that lead him to believe she would cheat. If you fully trust and feel confident in a person's actions any rumor would get ignored. There's possibly something she said or did that would cause him to believe that.

 

in this case, the man in question claims to have evidence of the pictures sent to another man and he refuses to show them to her so his behavior is clearly shady.

[Dogqueen]

I accused him, actually of cheating on me or liking another person and he denied both of my accusations. I also messaged this "new girl" and asked her if she said anything to him and she was just so nonchalant about it and her answers were simply just "no" "we've only been talking for a week" "I don't want to upset him by bringing you up".

It's very sketchy.

I'm getting anonymous messages on tumblr from a girl who's been hanging out with him (just as a friend because she has a boyfriend) saying that he still loves me and cares but doesn't want to get hurt.

How about me? How about the fact that he so outwardly called me names and made me miserable? Why don't my feelings matter?

[angel.eyes]

Seriously, be glad you're rid of a coward who would stoop to such antics to break up with you. Who cares what his friends think? He's the new girl's problem.

 

Take a deep breath and disengage from the melodrama. Let it go. You're now free to go find a decent man.

[Dogqueen]

Even after all this, I still love him more than anything in the entire world. And that kills me.

[spiderowl]

I accused him, actually of cheating on me or liking another person and he denied both of my accusations. I also messaged this "new girl" and asked her if she said anything to him and she was just so nonchalant about it and her answers were simply just "no" "we've only been talking for a week" "I don't want to upset him by bringing you up".

It's very sketchy.

I'm getting anonymous messages on tumblr from a girl who's been hanging out with him (just as a friend because she has a boyfriend) saying that he still loves me and cares but doesn't want to get hurt.

How about me? How about the fact that he so outwardly called me names and made me miserable? Why don't my feelings matter?

 

No decent boyfriend would tell you all this and not provide proof! He can't just say these things and make claims if he can't back it up. Either it's true and you know it, or he's lying and using a fib as an excuse to break up. Please stop pleading with him. You need to regain your pride in yourself and tell him he's being an idiot and you are not going to put up with him accusing you of something. I don't believe you can win him back by pleading with him. He's just gonna stand back and watch you while he goes out with other women. No, I would tell him I don't respect guys who make false accusations and then go out of contact with him. Make it clear, he's got to do the apologising not you. You need to turn this energy round from you reaching towards him and back off so that he has to reach to you to get any attention from you. Believe me, he will feel the sudden lack of it.

 

I'm sorry this has happened. Like others, I suspect this guy is using a story as an excuse. Don't believe what other girls say - not because they are lying but because they will prevent you from seeing the truth, that he is treating you badly here and he should make amends if anyone does. Don't fall for this soppy stuff that he's afraid of getting hurt. He's hurting you isn't he? Let him hurt and realise what he's missing.

[Toodaloo]

Even after all this, I still love him more than anything in the entire world. And that kills me.

 

Oh please don't.

 

Put your energy into getting over this guy instead of crying about him.

 

His behavior is classic "cheater" and I think its an excuse so he can make himself look good.

 

The proof is in the pudding. Stay single for a while and if friends etc bring it up just point out that you are single and he went off with another woman straight after dumping you and spreading rumours, ask them what that says about the situation and leave it at that. People in general are not stupid and will work it out for themselves.

 

Concentrate on you and healing. Sod this guy. There are hundreds of guys who are far far better than this.

[Dogqueen]

I think I'm gonna do the "30 day no contact" thing and then if he still hasn't talked to me then, maybe I'll try contacting him, or would that not be a good thing to do?

[d0nnivain]

he's calling you a liar & not letting you explain while denying you info about where / how he heard this rumor & you want him back ? Why?

 

NC is not a test. It's a healing tool not something you do for 30 days to see if the other person will come back.

 

If he thinks so little of you that he won't even discuss this with you & believes others over you, you don't have a relationship worth saving.

[CarrieT]

I think I'm gonna do the "30 day no contact" thing and then if he still hasn't talked to me then, maybe I'll try contacting him, or would that not be a good thing to do?

 

No. Doing the No Contact thing for the REST OF YOUR LIFE would be a good thing to do...

 

Seriously; you don't need this toxicity in your life and if you can maintain No Contact - seriously - for several months, you will see this.

[Dogqueen]

I guess you guys are right. It just really sucks, I truly do love him with all my heart. I resist the urge to text him or call him literally every day and it eats away at me inside. I miss him, regardless of what he did or what names he called me. And for that reason, I feel absolutely pathetic.

[eye of the storm]

Dogqueen, Its ok to love something/someone that is toxic to you. But you have to ask yourself if you are worth so little that you will accept it.

 

He will continue to treat you like crap because by crawling back to him and begging you are telling him that you accept and will continue to accept being treated like crap.

 

Change his name on your phone to "I am worth more". Then every time you want to call him, it reminds you that you have value.

[Dogqueen]

He's currently texting me and we are trying to work things out but he told me that he never loved me even after dating for over a year and he stopped talking to that other girl because she "got really weird."

What do I do??

[BlueIris]

He played you and lied to you. You might have loved him, but you only recently found out who he truly is.

 

Ideally, you won’t respond.

 

But if you feel compelled to respond, ask him to send you the photos. Tell him you really need to see the proof of the lies "he was told." Expose his lie. Expect backtracking.

[mrs rubble]

He's currently texting me and we are trying to work things out but he told me that he never loved me even after dating for over a year and he stopped talking to that other girl because she "got really weird."

What do I do??

Why do you want to work things out with someone, who claims to have never loved you? You've already wasted over a year of your life on him, you could be missing out on meeting someone who will treat you with love and respect.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Even after all this, I still love him more than anything in the entire world. And that kills me.

 

You will, for a while. I promise it gets better. It's no use for you now, but I swear, some day you will look back on this and feel okay. The pain is like having to walk through fire to get to the other side, and it takes time to process. I remember when my ex split with me outta the blue late 2012, it took me about... three months before I stopped feeling in acute pain all day every day. It was the first thing I thought of in the morning, last thing at night. I would have dreams we were happy together, and wake up and sob. I used to have to text him to sort out remaining bills on the apartment and I would always feel physically sick before receiving a reply, dreading seeing his name on my phone (I even changed it to a rude word lol) and opening it. He broke my heart harder than anyone else ever had.

 

And yet, I moved on, and found love again. Who, after six months, dumped me! The second time around it hurt a lot yes, but nowhere near as bad as the first guy. And it didn't take as long to get over at all, it's almost like when you know the pain is going to end, it ends a lot sooner. I've been with a new boyfriend now since January and it's better than both of those previous relationships combined (and I'm not just trying to convince myself of that), yet I feel at peace knowing that if this also ends, I will cope.

 

Most relationships end. Otherwise, we'd all get with our childhood sweetheart and be married until the day we die. Look how rare that is. Look at how many marriages end in divorce. All of these people at one time felt how horrible you feel right now and pretty much all of them coped. It's unfortunately part of being human.

 

It sounds to me like your ex felt the need to make up some bull***** excuse for leaving you, because he was too much of a coward to just tell you that he didn't feel the same anymore. It's cruel and horrible, I HATE it when people believe bad things about me that aren't true, it makes me feel sick being unable to justify myself when somebody tries to spread lies. Once aged 14 a friend of my then boyfriend told him she'd seen me kissing someone else. It was a total lie. The pain of that and the aftermath pretty much ruined my teen years because I couldn't live with the fact that he'd think I could ever do something like that, and he had dumped me over it.

 

Rest assured that he probably didn't hear anything of the sort. He doesn't think those things about you, if he did he'd be able to show you proof or tell you who the info came from, he's acting very shady. And as another poster said, which is an excellent point, if he wanted you, other people could tell him anything and he'd still stay with you because he loves and believes you.

 

I know it hurts but please, keep coming here and talking, rely on your friends, and above all CUT ALL CONTACT from him. Delete his number, all of the pictures, the sweet texts, trash the gifts, block him on social media. You need to start to move onto a life without him, and it's near impossible to do that when he still has any presence at all. If you don't have kids you are lucky that you can cut him off and make a fresh start, enjoy being you, embrace your mad single social life, throw yourself into work or studies, have as much fun as you can. Pretty soon you'll meet somebody else and start all over again, and be a lot more confident knowing that you are a woman who has walked through the fire and if you can handle what happened with your ex, you can handle pretty much anything. That's how I feel, anyway. Best of luck.

 

And please, stop texting him! Don't listen to his cr@p about working things out. Meet face to face. Let him make the case for getting back with you. You should not try and seek his approval. You should not try and beg him to get back together. Hell, the guy admitted he doesn't love you after a year. You deserve better than that, hold out for the guy who can't stop himself from blurting out that he loves you like crazy after a few months. Don't try hash out relationship issues via text message. When my ex called me the night he dumped me sobbing about how much it hurt I told him calmly 'you can't talk to me about this stuff, I'm not your girlfriend anymore. Talk to your friends.' and ended the call. If you give him dribs and drabs after he has broken your heart and you're not even his girlfriend anymore then he's still getting something from you and playing out the drama. It's too painful for you to go through this back and forth ambivalence. Cut the contact and if he is desperate to get back with you, let him find a way to get in touch through a friend or whatever so you can hear him out. But stop the contact.

Edited November 5, 2014 by acrosstheuniverse

[acrosstheuniverse]

No. Doing the No Contact thing for the REST OF YOUR LIFE would be a good thing to do...

 

Seriously; you don't need this toxicity in your life and if you can maintain No Contact - seriously - for several months, you will see this.

 

Can't agree with this more. No Contact with my two serious exes was the best possible thing I could have done. It let me get used, real quick, to life without them in it. To start feeling better I had to KNOW I wasn't going to see their name pop up on my phone. Otherwise I was just waiting around anxiously for them to get in touch or reply to me and dreading what they were going to say. Knowing that they could not get in touch with me enabled me to breathe and focus on myself and my life and removed regular reminders that they were still out here and how badly I'd been hurt.

[ascendotum]

He's currently texting me and we are trying to work things out but he told me that he never loved me even after dating for over a year and he stopped talking to that other girl because she "got really weird."

What do I do??

Get your friend to throw a glass of water in your face and slap you. The original break was dodgy to begin with and to make things even more crummy he now tells you he never loved you..which supports everyone's theory that he used the pissweak rumor as an excuse to dump you and spin it back on you. You should be pissed off with him. Go NC or send him a txt to tell him to F.O. you not interested in what he has to say no more

[Got it]

Regardless of whether it is true or not, do you really want to be with someone that when a conflict comes up will shut you down and go MIA at their choosing? Does this seem like a safe and healthy environment to be vulnerable and loving in?

 

This is emotionally abusive and very manipulative. He is not a mature or healthy person and learning to break away from him will be the healthiest thing for yourself. He is teaching you to accept this behavior and you have to decide is this how you want to be treated.