PhilSmith031086 Posted November 2, 2014 Share Posted November 2, 2014 (edited) I don't know what else to do, I'm desperate for help. I have been with my wife for 9 and a half years, married for almost 3 and a half years. Before we met, her mother died, and earlier this year, so did her father. She is an only child. When we first started dating, everything was fine. We'd hug, we'd kiss, we'd have sex, we'd have a laugh. But after a few months, we went out for a dew drinks, and she bumped into her friend. I felt totally ignored for the remainder of the evening. Even when I asked if they wanted a drink, she told me to go away. So I did, I spent the rest of my evening at the far, drinking alone. By the end of the night, I was so very drunk, and angry with my her for abandoning me like that, I instigated a row. This has since lead to me getting worse and worse whenever alcohol is involved, as I get more and more drunk because of the way she treats me. A few years later, she dropped the subject of having a baby on my lap, from out of bo-where, and said if I don't want to have a baby now, she would leave me, as I wouldn't be able tocgiver her what she wants. So I agreed. We have been trying on and off for the last 6 years, but have only had sex a handful of tines dsince then. When we got married, I thought it would all change. After a few mobths, we got into a row, and she declared she only married me because she was bored. I was devastated. She suffered from depression, and so do I. I do all the running around after our pets, feeding them, cleaning then, taking them to the vets, picking up their mess and droppings, I cook, I clean, I do the laundry, I do everything for her because she is so lazy to do it herself and ends up making me feel really bad and guilty if I don't do it. For instance, the other day, she asked if I could go and get her phone charger. I said no, I was busyy looking for a new job, and she stormed out, grabbed her charger and never said two words to me for the rest of the evening until she was hungry. We had a bit of an argument back in November last year, which was caused by a near collision on the road a few hours earlier while I was driving. In the end she punched me in the face. I was angry and upset by it and started really shouting at her, teling her don't ever do that again or I'll leave. She spent the rest of the day locked in the bathroom, ignoring everything and everyone. She has since hit me in the stomach and I have told her to stop, but she continues. I started to develop a bit of a drinking problem as a way to handle the stress of this situation. I love her, but she drives me to drink, she refuses to kiss and hug me since we got married and the sex I awful I we ever have it. I feel like I'm being bullied and manipulated into staying by her making me feel guilty if I ever criticise her in anyway. I brought up going to counselling or a trial seperation and she refused each othe rhrnw and then threatened to kill herself if I left her. I am losing sleep, I am suffereng with work, and I am so miserable, my parents, friends, and brothers are telling me to leave, but its not thga easy - if it was, I would have done by now. Help! Edited November 2, 2014 by PhilSmith031086 Trying to use this on my phone and it keeps messingup. Link to post Share on other sites
Rachy85 Posted November 2, 2014 Share Posted November 2, 2014 This sounds very emotionally draining, and mostly unhealthy and toxic. Her actions and words are abuse. ABUSE! Using guilt or threats of self harm are abuse tactics. This is how she has control over you and using you as an instrument. Please remember that you are not responsible for her life or well being. You have a duty and a right to self preservation. You will never be good to yourself or anyone else being in this type of abusive relationship. I would highly recommend therapy for yourself and a therapist that specializes in CBT/DBT/TF-CBT or EMDR. You need to remove yourself from the situation and preserve yourself. This is not selfish. You and you alone are the gate keeper to your own self worth, well being, stability etc. Please do not let others dictate or define this for you. We fight to hold on, and we fight to let go. Our heads and our hearts will battle confusing us along the way. I am very sorry your going through this, but again please remember you are NOT responsible for her well being, you are being victimized and you alone can stand up for yourself and your only duty is to your life. Please do not enable this cycle one moment further. She is in distress and sabotaging her own life, do not let her take you down with her. Know your vulnerabilities and set your boundaries. Have courage of conviction. Link to post Share on other sites
Rachy85 Posted November 2, 2014 Share Posted November 2, 2014 This will not be easy...but anything worth doing never is. Put your armor on and fight for YOUR life. I think you have awareness this is abuse. This is the first step. Please take care of yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Justanaverageguy Posted November 2, 2014 Share Posted November 2, 2014 Thats the most toxic and horrible sounding women I have every heard of. It is clear you have allowed your self to become submissive in an abusive relationship. What on earth are you still doing with her ? You need to understand that it really is that easy to leave. File for divorce ASAP and kick her to the curb. Sounds like you have become her little bitch and she simply turns on the water works or threatens physical harm to manipulate you if she doens't get her way. Find your balls and stand up for yourself. Next time she hits you file a police reports. Then run as far and as quickly as you possibly can. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted November 2, 2014 Share Posted November 2, 2014 Change everything. You need help. Leave that abusive marriage. Start taking care of yourself. Stop drinking and if you can't seek help. No one should be putting up with abuse. Take care of yourself and allow her to find a way to take care of herself. Being apart will allow you the room to find a better way. Get busy changing things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhilSmith031086 Posted November 3, 2014 Author Share Posted November 3, 2014 Hi everyone. thank you for your advice. I'm going to try to summon the strength to do it! I'm going to suggest a break for a while and go to my folks, and if she refuses then I know what to do... thank you Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhilSmith031086 Posted November 4, 2014 Author Share Posted November 4, 2014 I bottled it. I sat her down, looked at her, took a deep breath... And asked what she wanted for lunch! Why can't I bring myself to do this? I don't feel strong enough! Is it worth going to a therapist who can help me get stronger for this? Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 I bottled it. I sat her down, looked at her, took a deep breath... And asked what she wanted for lunch! Why can't I bring myself to do this? I don't feel strong enough! Is it worth going to a therapist who can help me get stronger for this? Huh? The only thing you need to say to her is it is over. She's not acted like a wife who cares about you. Since she's so selfish tell her you want to divorce so you can find a gal who wants to be your partner. Link to post Share on other sites
jakrbbt Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 Face your decisions that you need to make, and you'll be so proud of yourself and so much happier. That includes doing what it takes to 1)stop drinking and 2)stop being in a toxic relationship. Maybe you'll need support for those things. I was very, very afraid to tell my husband I was moving out. I thought I wouldn't say it. He's not a reasonable person-- though unlike your wife, he's never punched me-- and I greatly feared the reaction. I feared the fallout. Then one day, I just said it-- I was sitting on the bed while he was lying in it, looking at his laptop, and I said the works, "I'm moving out. I found a place." You know what? I just SAID them. I was so scared. But in the end, know what's scarier? Staying married to someone you're afraid to tell you're leaving. Link to post Share on other sites
LifeNomad Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 Sounds like you have become her little bitch and she simply turns on the water works or threatens physical harm to manipulate you if she doens't get her way. Find your balls and stand up for yourself. Next time she hits you file a police reports. Then run as far and as quickly as you possibly can. I agree, put on your big boy pants man! man up and tell her, " from this moment on, this is how its going to be" and don't let her boss you around anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhilSmith031086 Posted November 6, 2014 Author Share Posted November 6, 2014 The reason I'm having such a hard time is because ever since I posted the original message on here, she's been really nice to me, and made me feel guilty for even thinking about ending it. I mean, we do have some good times, but the bad far outweigh the good, and I know my friends are going to side with her about the break-up - they always side with her, no matter what. a large part of me still cares about her, of course ai do, but I can't be in this relationship with her anymore. And yet I'm still being too weak and pathetic to just tell her how I feel for fear of her reaction and the fallout from it. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted November 6, 2014 Share Posted November 6, 2014 Stop doing anything for her. Start putting all your money in a separate account in your name only. See how she likes that. Get a place lined up so you can move soon. You don't need her approval!!! And who cares what anyone thinks. Start taking care of you! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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