Why people cheat

[Wolvesbaned]

I haven't been around these parts for awhile. It's almost 1 year since I left, one year since the end of my marriage. I came here to post because of something I remembered reading during my darkest days. I just finished watching a favorite movie of mine, one that exemplifies utmost loyalty, one among friends, though not lovers.

 

Over a year ago I remember reading here one person's reason as to why spouses cheat, and at the time my gut told me the reasoning posted was flawed, yet still in shock of my wounds, I did not contend, and now that I look back, no one else did. This person said that a spouse cheats because s/he is lacking something at home.

 

I am now in the position to explain the flaws to this reasoning: Simply, a poor man lacks riches, and yet he does not become a thief.

 

A single person can not be everything to another. To seek what's "missing" while married, defies all the laws you once promised to uphold and protect. If you are married to a cheater, it was your spouse's choice to cheat. S/he cheated because of selfishness and weakness.

 

If you're thinking about how you could have prevented it and the thoughts that run through your mind consists of: cooking more, nagging less, getting more bikini waxes, less golf trips, watching less football, eating less, giving more gifts, and the like ... well communication would have helped your marriage, cheating did not.

 

If your spouse cheated on you, and you are honest and loyal, overall stand by your word and follow you wedding vows, it is not your fault. Ask yourself how many times have you wanted to have something exotic or even illegal, though you showed restrain.

 

Everyone is missing something now and then -- an intellectual conversation, a really good hot meal, passionate sex, really funny jokes, a hand to hold, flowers, a clean home ... yet none and all combined do not constitute to throw away a trust that took years to build.

 

Married cheaters are just like any other cheat, in the end, they lack will power, they do not understand the meaning of devotion and their promises are worthless. I remember reading a lot of second guessing and the spreading of doubt in here for those devastated by a cheating spouse, as if the one left to pick us the pieces doesn't have enough devastation already to deal with. Cheaters are not noble, period ... and if you manage to keep hold of your self-worth after the devastation, be proud.

 

Saying that partners cheat because they're missing something at home is just like saying murderers must be unhappy. Everyone would like more here and again and there are those that are unhappy. Just like we're not all murderers, we are also not all cheaters.

 

And with that, there is hope.

[sami]

there's no one single reason. It is a combination of many factors.

[Wolvesbaned]

Originally posted by sami

there's no one single reason. It is a combination of many factors.

 

I agree, yet in the end it all comes down to one thing: selfishness and weakness. No matter what position you're in, and how hard it is, you can keep your dignity and just end it if it's that bad. The problem is, usually isn't because cheaters hide it, and it takes lies to hide it well, they want to keep their spouse, yet continue to live a lie. But that's not my point for posting.

 

I posted because people sometimes look within their-self "what did I do wrong" and I'm not saying that's a bad thing (there's always room for improvement) and agonize that it was their fault, "I led her/him to cheat... " what I'm saying is that it was the cheaters choice, period. And yes, if someone promised to protect something, a marriage, a future, a trust, a heart, a loved one, and s/he goes out and does something to break that, that's weakness, that's selfishness.

[moimeme]

It may well be that they are missing something at home, and it may even be something vital, but the problem is that they lack the courage to deal with it so they take the easy way out.

[Wolvesbaned]

Originally posted by moimeme

It may well be that they are missing something at home, and it may even be something vital, but the problem is that they lack the courage to deal with it so they take the easy way out.

 

*nod* Agreed.

[sami]

It's not courage. It's will.

[Wolvesbaned]

Originally posted by sami

It's not courage. It's will.

 

Though it can be argued that it takes courage to continue on the battlefield of married life, D&D does group willpower with WIS. So that would mean a cheater has a very low Wisdom, and probably high Constitution regarding the stamina needed (thought I would keep it light)

 

OK enough of my nerdyness!

[moimeme]

Though it can be argued that it takes courage to continue on the battlefield of married life, D&D does group willpower with WIS. So that would mean a cheater has a very low Wisdom, and probably high Constitution regarding the stamina needed (thought I would keep it light)

 

You speak a strange language, visitor.

[Yikes]

"Simply, a poor man lacks riches, and yet he does not become a thief." I love this, so well said.

 

There was a good thread from a month or so ago about why people cheat. People listed things all sorts of things that were bad or missing in their relationship. My personal opinion is these are not reasons that people cheat. Those are reasons to be unsatisfied or unhappy with your current relationship. In that situation you have every right to want more and expect more. That said, I don't believe that it makes you cheat.

 

Cheating is a choice. We are adults and we know right from wrong.

 

Often the cheaters have a long history of making bad choices. They have a long history of taking the easy way instead of doing the right thing. They are generally pretty selfish people. This is most certainly the case with my ex-wife. In my situation, there were many things that I needed which were lacking in my marriage, but I never even entertained the thought of cheating. Why? Because it's wrong. Because I have two kids that I love to death and I am an example to them. Because putting energy into an extra marital affair instead of my marriage would only make things worse.

 

Everyone here brings up some very good points. Maybe my view of this is overly simplistic, I don't know. When trying to tackle a problem, I always tend to strip out all extraneous details and get right to the root of the issue. I happen to believe that cheating is a conscious choice. It's destructive and so very selfish.

 

Y

[life loser]

men cheat because they are programmed by genes beyond their control to procreate with as many people, as many times as they can in their life.

 

most men control these urges, but they are always there - some just can't control them

 

and I must say, some woman don't want them to control those urges, even though they know they are married or involved

 

so everyone is to blame - and no one is to blame - is human animal nature

 

just try and find yourself someone who can control his urges

[Wolvesbaned]

I did a random search on my old username and found this post. It's been so long, that I'd almost forgotten about LS. It's now close to 8 years later and I figured, I'd update, especially since the last line of my original post read, "there's hope".

 

 

So, in case anyone stumbles upon this that needs to read it: there is hope!!

 

I'm now happily married to wonderful man and we have a 6 month old baby together. Looking back (and reading my old posts) I have a hard time remembering all of it. I just know that no matter how horrible it must have been, I am extraordinarily happy I went through it, because I wouldn't have had the opportunity to meet my husband now!

 

Back then, my best friend told me that one day, I won't even remember who 'he' was -- she's right.

 

To anyone going through this now, I want to say that although you don't even want to think about finding "another" love. One day, you'll look back and think, "that's not love!" Because real love is out there and you'll have experience to guide your way through it!

 

[crazykat73]

Unfortunately, life is not black and white.....things happen. GOOD people do BAD things sometimes. We are all human....we all want to be loved...sometimes we are put in situations that really test us. Cheating is not right, never will be. I always loathed people who cheat, but now as I older, I understand that things happen and am more forgiving than I've ever been.

[2.50 a gallon]

Another success story!

 

It doesn't happen right away, but someday in the future you will find a new a better love.

 

Wolvesbaned, my divorce happened 30 years ago. Last year I found a recent photo of the Ex. Oh what a lucky man I am to have what I have and not her

 

My lady just woke up Time for my morning kiss

[jf2good]

There are many many reasons why people cheat. Your simple conclusion that it is selfishness and lack of morale will power might be correct for some cases but not all. I cheated after years of being in a verbally abusive marriage because I didn't know what else to do. Being sick of verbal abuse is not selfishness, it is normality.

 

I am not saying cheating is the correct solution, it is not. However, we all don't make the correct choices and these wrong choices are NOT always because of lack of will power or being selfish. People are not robots, we don't always act or react in logical manners. A poor man that is starving for emotional love might become a thief versus starving his soul to death.

 

Your right that is a spouses "choice" to cheat, but too often it the "choice" of the other spouse to even put the thought of cheating into the other spouses head. I didn't need a perfect wife, or a perfect marriage, or even sex every day not to cheat. But I did need years of verbal abuse, lack of sex and more to help me make the choice to cheat.

[revitup]

Why do cheaters cheat?

 

Simple,They are cheaters.

 

Thieves steal...because they are thieves.

 

Blamers blame ...because they are blamers.

 

Liars lie...because they are liars.

 

Whiners wine ...because they are whiners.

 

Drunks drink...because they are drunks.

 

The good news is....

 

Devoted people are devoted...because they are devoted people.

 

Honest people are honest...because they are honest people.

 

Loving people are loving...because they are loving people.

 

Faithful people are faithful...because they are faithful.

 

Sometimes we know better and still pick the wrong ones.It's simply in their nature to be what they have chosen to be,long before we came along.

 

I have to keep it simple....it takes me 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes!

[K Os]

 

I have no concrete idea of why I did what I did.

 

But I'm much happier not having to live under those conditions anymore.

 

I think you've answered yourself there, Bob. That kind of life would exhaust the patience of a saint.

[aMguilts]

where oh where is the dislike button???

jeeeeeez

aM

[jf2good]

He/She without sin cast the first stone. "Thieves steal...because they are thieves." I do not call a hungry man a thief who only steals to feed himself. What is cheating? Sex, intercourse, withholding love and affection, constantly berating your spouse for your own mistakes, .. the list goes on. According to the bible if you lust after someone else you have already cheated, OMG EVERYONE Cheats then.

 

Life isn't black and white, stay between the lines. There is no simple answer. What is considered cheating varies by culture and religion and even regions. To over simplify "Why" is meaningless. "Honest people are honest...because they are honest people." How many of these honest people tell what they consider to be white lies or bend the truth and so on. Whose standards for honesty do we use? Your? Mine? Someone one else?

 

I never dared call myself a Christian because I am not even close to what the bible tells us to be, yet everyone seems to call themselves that without understanding the true meaning and sin a lot worse than I do. It just isn't Christians, it can be Muslims or even atheists with a false set of standards they judge everyone with.

 

There is no one reason why people cheat in a relationship and not every person who cheats should be treated the same.

[revitup]

Barnacle-Bob,I didn't know I was replying to you when I posted my understanding of cheating.I certainly wasn't "labeling" anyone.This is my simple way of understanding the world.I have a child-like curiosity and have always asked "why?".It's OK that you don't share that view.

 

As far as me being a drunk....I am a drunk!

I simply do not drink alcohol anymore (20 yrs).That's my choice.

 

As far as being a "sinner" and the whole casting stones....my bible says we all are sinners and if we weren't we would need no Savior.

 

I apologize if anyone here was offended by by point of view,it certainly wasn't my intention to cause some to become so defensive.

 

You know what they say about opinions being like a@@holes ,we all have one,and they all stink.

[jezzy]

I just know that no matter how horrible it must have been, I am extraordinarily happy I went through it, because I wouldn't have had the opportunity to meet my husband now!

 

Back then, my best friend told me that one day, I won't even remember who 'he' was -- she's right.

 

To anyone going through this now, I want to say that although you don't even want to think about finding "another" love. One day, you'll look back and think, "that's not love!" Because real love is out there and you'll have experience to guide your way through it!

 

 

Thank you very much. I've been struggling so much bout this and I wanna look on a brighter side of life. I know my life will be better, someday. And I'll find someone who'll accept, appreciate and be contented for what I am. Thank you very much.