Verte Posted November 2, 2014 Share Posted November 2, 2014 Married with 3 children. Aged 4,4 and 8. We moved a long way away from family - lots of issues back home in the UK. I gave my wife an ultimatum at the time and promised her this and this. Things have not materialised. I have a job offer overseas now, closer to the UK, in part so we can actually go home from time to time (we are in Australasia). However, my wife says it is too late. She has cut me off emotionally. She loves me as a dad to the children and nothing more. So now we live in a house with a lot of shouting and arguing. We have been seeing a counselor for the last months - this has been great and has really given us an appreciation of where things turned for the worst. Simply put she has been suffering from PTSD and I was a 'disappearing dad' for a few years (I recommend reading 'why dads leave' - a aha moment if ever you need one). Wish I knew earlier. However, at the moment there are about 3 possible outcomes and I don;t know what to do!! Very convoluted. We don;t have residency where we are as yet, my job is far from ideal (I hate my job), one of my children goes to an ok school, my wife has lots of friends - most are respectful but some have taken sides with my wife and are fighting to keep her here -saying a lot of nasty stuff. I have few friends here. Those I have, know I am leaving so have cut me off. At the moment my wife's options are: 1) to beg me to get residency so she can stay here with benefits 2) she goes back to UK as a single mum but with no benefits (she does not want to) 3) She comes to the new place with me. However, she has asked that I start giving maintenance and if possible we separate. This new place is 20hrs from where we are now and is very expensive in terms of housing. She wants to come, check it out and if it does not work she wants to return to Australasia. Or if she stays, she wants me to buy a house for her and the kids but the proviso she wants nothing more to do with me. She does not love me etc. So the question is - do I still go through all the stress of the new country, then put all my money into a new house for her, she wants me to find a new girlfriend etc. Or do I get residency first (if possible) before leaving as a safety net for her to come back to? However, the distance will kill me being so far from my kids but I know in my heart it is not working. If I stay here, I don;t think I can be happy. I don;t know. However, I know I keep running away from things. Apparently - avoidant behaviour (caused by typical parenting) so I know I have issues. However, if we stay here we will never see family again in the UK - too expensive to fly back - why I am pushing for the move now before it's too late. What is separation? Does it have to be official? I presume we would receive no benefit etc as on work visas so literally my salary. Very scared. When you feel you have given everything for 8 years - and you still love your wife - it is like someone wrenching your heart out. Anyone have experience of moving overseas and separation? Link to post Share on other sites
MTmama Posted November 3, 2014 Share Posted November 3, 2014 (edited) Has your wife ever seen a counselor for the PTSD? Have you gone to couple's counseling? Do you think it would be a good idea to try before you truly separate? Maybe during the counseling another option may open up. By discovering your advoidant tendencies you have the opportunity to learn and grow. Your kids need their dad. Edited November 18, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
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