NC Diary (Possible BPD exGF?) - 3 wks in

[MrBossMan]

This is inspired by Seeker12's version: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/498997-my-nc-diary-feelings-thoughts-etc

 

Here's a short summary of my relationship:

 

Probable undiagnosed bpd gf complete with frequent inappropriate rage episodes and splitting. Loveshack community agreed and told me to run away. Should've listened. 3 year volatile relationship with crossed boundaries with her exes and her male friends. Blamed me for everything and took no responsibility... frequently speaking about her "needs" that I always fail to meet.

 

Went NC once for about a month from mid Nov to mid Dec 2013, and ended NC when she showed up in my classroom (she was sitting down before I and the professor arrived). The problems died down for a while, but then flared up even worse than ever before with her making ridiculous and emasculating demands. In June, I said I was breaking up with her after she intensely raged at me for no reason on the phone, but then she called me the next day asking me to give her another chance. I said I need time.

 

Took 3 months to myself. She texted me 3 times during this break and got minimal answers. 3 months was long enough for me to forget the misery and I decided to give it one last try, so in September, I re-initiated contact. On the first day, she seemed relieved. Afterwards, she started to remind me that she's still waiting for me to meet demands (she clearly had not changed in all that time). So arguments started back up.

 

Her phone dies and she calls me back with another phone. Can hear her best friend and sister trying to take the phone from her.

 

(Side note: Her female best friend is strangely close to her and was always jealous of me taking my exGf's time and attention. Even threw several tantrums about it. Now when I heard her talking in the background, she was tearing me down). Anyway...

 

Phone line dies. No call back, so after awhile, I call. No answer.

4am the next morning, she calls me and says that we should end the relationship. I say, "Ok, bye." and hang up. (This was 4 weeks ago)

 

A week later, I feel bad for the way I responded, so I send an email saying that I hope she finds what she's looking for (she literally told me while we were arguing that she needs a man who will save her from her sadness, which I said was unhealthy). The email was pretty much a more compassionate good-bye. She responds with "Move on." There's a little more back and forth, and I decided to just let it go.

 

So fast forward to today (3 weeks later):

 

My sleeping schedule is still way off and I haven't been sleeping at night. I have to find time to sleep during the day. It's been that way ever since that day. Even during the 3-month break, I slept fine. It's now 7am and I didn't sleep at all.

 

Emotionally, I'm doing better. I still have moments when I feel really angry and frustrated, especially when I think about all the sacrifice and pain I went through for years just to see coldness when I try to reach out and repair the damage. My emotional problems seem to be 70% inability to understand her behavior and 30% lingering attachment. I realize that trying to understand the irrational won't lead far.

 

I've deleted her phone number and deleted her from social media.

 

I've been a hermit for the most part. I was letting my appearance go a little bit, not cutting my hair, etc. But I cleaned myself up and I just started to go out again. I went to a college event where I knew a few friends would be yesterday. It felt good to meet other women who show interest. I had one girl ask me to go get something to eat with her after the event, but I said I can't because I had to run (but the truth is, I'm super broke right now and couldn't. lol Just graduated college in the past month and I'm looking for work).

 

I'm sure that once I get on my feet with work, I should be fine. Until then, I'll hold off on seeing new people and just try to understand my own codependency or low-self esteem issues which allowed me to stay in this relationship for years after I was no longer content.

 

Will update maybe in a week or two. Any comments or tips are welcome.

Edited November 2, 2014 by MrBossMan

[Fix]

Do you feel if you contacted her and gave into her demands she would 'take you back'? Or has she moved on?

[MrBossMan]

Do you feel if you contacted her and gave into her demands she would 'take you back'? Or has she moved on?

 

I don't know, but it doesn't matter. Part of the reason why I stayed so long after knowing it wasn't right was because I was under the delusion that maybe if I try one last thing or if I just gave more effort, that it would fix things and love would win.

 

But I noticed that she would say that she is picking fights and getting irritable because I don't do this or that, and when I do it, she gets worse and/or finds another thing to demand.

 

For example, I did not have a steady "9-5" job but worked freelance while in school and the money was very tight. Once after a tantrum, she said she is unhappy because I should have a more stable job. So I get a stable job. The entire time I was working there, she was worse than ever before at the time. I hated that job, but I stayed there for a while mainly to try to please her and it had the opposite effect.

 

I give into the demands to avoid her unhappiness and get even more unhappiness as a result. This was how it was with every little demand or need that popped up. She'd be happy when I first do it, and then she gets worse than before. This is the problem with bpd's (and I know a lot about it after researching it for years and even doing a school presentation on it). BPD's play the damsel in distress and always have one crisis and one need after another. Your role is to be the white knight who comes and saves them. But the problem is that they won't allow you to save them because as soon as you get them out of one crisis, another soon appears. And then there's the push-pull and the splitting (all-good or all-bad view of people with no gray).

Edited November 2, 2014 by MrBossMan

[Fix]

I don't know, but it doesn't matter. Part of the reason why I stayed so long after knowing it wasn't right was because I was under the delusion that maybe if I try one last thing or if I just gave more effort, that it would fix things and love would win.

 

But I noticed that she would say that she is picking fights and getting irritable because I don't do this or that, and when I do it, she gets worse and/or finds another thing to demand.

 

For example, I did not have a steady "9-5" job but worked freelance while in school and the money was very tight. Once after a tantrum, she said she is unhappy because I should have a more stable job. So I get a stable job. The entire time I was working there, she was worse than ever before at the time. I hated that job, but I stayed there for a while mainly to try to please her and it had the opposite effect.

 

I give into the demands to avoid her unhappiness and get even more unhappiness as a result. This was how it was with every little demand or need that popped up. She'd be happy when I first do it, and then she gets worse than before. This is the problem with bpd's (and I know a lot about it after researching it for years and even doing a school presentation on it). BPD's play the damsel in distress and always have one crisis and one need after another. Your role is to be the white knight who comes and saves them. But the problem is that they won't allow you to save them because as soon as you get them out of one crisis, another soon appears. And then there's the push-pull and the splitting (all-good or all-bad view of people with no gray).

 

I'm familiar with BPD and it's effect on relationships. Do you feel her having the disorder was the main factor causing the problems in your relationship?

[SycamoreCircle]

You are in the place you should be. NC. Evaluating her contribution and your contribution to the dysfunction.

 

From what you've described, I would change those percentages a good bit to reflect your enabling of this situation. I know it's tough when feelings and history are involved. But there were so many times when you should have just walked away for good on this one.

 

For you to have strong, healthy relationships in the future you're going to need to keep reexamining your contribution to this dysfunction, your sense of boundaries. I think, as you mentioned, self-esteem plays a role in it. But your strong sense of self-awareness makes you, in my opinion, not too far from where you need to be.

 

Keep writing, keep evaluating and keep away from her. You're on the right path!

[MrBossMan]

I'm familiar with BPD and it's effect on relationships. Do you feel her having the disorder was the main factor causing the problems in your relationship?

 

Yes, I believe it was.

 

There were other problems such as her having a bad overall attitude (which I'm not sure how related to bpd it may have been) and her having some feminist views that came up from time to time. She is afraid of masculinity, blaming men for violence and wars.

 

But her wild temper tantrums and inability to rationally discuss our problems which went on consistently for YEARS is the cause. She got worse and worse in that she became less sweet and remorseful after she calmed down. Towards the end, when she calmed down, she was just as irrational and just as likely to manipulate me and others (except without yelling).

[MrBossMan]

You are in the place you should be. NC. Evaluating her contribution and your contribution to the dysfunction.

 

From what you've described, I would change those percentages a good bit to reflect your enabling of this situation. I know it's tough when feelings and history are involved. But there were so many times when you should have just walked away for good on this one.

 

For you to have strong, healthy relationships in the future you're going to need to keep reexamining your contribution to this dysfunction, your sense of boundaries. I think, as you mentioned, self-esteem plays a role in it. But your strong sense of self-awareness makes you, in my opinion, not too far from where you need to be.

 

Keep writing, keep evaluating and keep away from her. You're on the right path!

 

Yes, you're right.

 

WHILE it was going on, I was not happy, but I was so caught up in all the drama and in playing the keep-her-happy game that I did not realize just how much psychological damage was being done to me.

 

During the relationship, I noticed that I was withdrawing from friends more and more and not feeling 100%. Now, after things have died down, I feel depressed and like I'm at 50% of my former self. I feel like my life force was sucked out of me.

 

If I had the wisdom I have now in the beginning, I would have left after a few months when the problems started. Now, who knows how long it will take to heal from this mess. smh

 

People, do not be naive about BPD's. Do not play with your psychological health.

[MrBossMan]

UPDATE:

 

The last time I spoke to her was Oct 12 and it's now November 26 (6.5 weeks), so I'm doing pretty well. The pain is nearly all gone. I feel that I'm just about over the breakup now, at least for the most part.

 

I've started talking to other women again and don't feel guilty about it at all.

 

I've deleted her from all contact, including phone and social media, a long time ago.

 

BUT...

 

I decided to have a look at her Twitter tonight, just out of curiosity (I do this every now and then and I know it's not a good idea, but I think I can handle it), and this is what I find:

 

Today, she retweeted a tweet from someone else (who she clearly does not know) with my EXACT name! It said something about spreading love or happiness or something like that.

 

So my concern now is that the much dreaded bpd hoovering attack might be imminent. To those who skimmed through and missed it, I've already established years ago that I had a possible bpd on my hands.

 

So maybe I've been split back to white in her mind. I mean she has demonized me to most of her friends, so why would she be retweeting things with my name on it where those same friends can see?

 

So anyway, I'll be sure to mentally and emotionally prepare myself to ignore any possible contact. If anyone else wants to weigh in (especially those who know borderline personality disorder), please do so.

[jackinthebox1]

1. Why are you saying you are over it then looking at her twitter. And then coming on here to disect something absolutely ridiculous. You may aswell go and exam a smoke signal. Examining a tweet is ridiculous.

2. Stop blaming it on a personality disorder. There is no proof she has one. She left you. She can do that without a personality disorder.

 

Deal with that, stop looking at her social media and go out and live your life.

You are wasting everyones time asking what some cryptic tweet means! Mostly your own!

[Xidion]

I'm pretty sure what I just experiences was a BPD. First of all.. she was the product of a divorce and her mom never showed her ANY attention. She was a cutter at a young age and was also raped because of her need for attention from ANY guy. She would always say "I can't do anything right". I would bring her flowers and she would act like ti was just no big deal. Any amount of attention I gave her wasn't enough. She actually cut herself once during the relationship. She started pulling away emotionally about 8 months in.. after the honeymoon stage. There's nothing wrong with reading about BPD's and matching up the symptoms. Being in a relationship with one of these people is EXTREMELY psychologically challenging. It became almost a game of me trying to prove my love for her.. the more I tried... the more she would pull away and act out. She was accuse me of going to work just to see the girls that worked their. It was awful.. but I loved her. She ended up leaving me to claim her next victim. Enough about me... It sounds like maybe you're holding on to a slight hope that she is going to recycle you. DO NOT get back with her. I'm trying to tell myself the same thing if my crazy BPD ex comes back. It will NEVER be the same as it was in the beginning when she idolized you and made you feel like the best man on the earth. Their cycle is Idealize, Devalue, Dump, Recycle. Stay far away from these woman. One tell tale sign is that they want to speed up the process of the relationship in the beginning.

[MrBossMan]

1. Why are you saying you are over it then looking at her twitter. And then coming on here to disect something absolutely ridiculous. You may aswell go and exam a smoke signal. Examining a tweet is ridiculous.

 

It's more curiosity now, and also, I found out early on that she was spreading lies and half-truths about me, so I check occasionally just to be sure. The mere fact that I've been doing it for so long while becoming more and more emotionally detached shows that I can, in fact, handle it. You'll just have to believe that I'm not doing it because I can't move on emotionally.

 

2. Stop blaming it on a personality disorder. There is no proof she has one. She left you. She can do that without a personality disorder.

 

Check my earlier threads. I have a VERY good understanding of BPD and even researched the disorder in college. I have spoken about my former relationship to people who HAVE been diagnosed and are self-aware who verify that she is almost certainly borderline. Please read before making assumptions.

 

Deal with that, stop looking at her social media and go out and live your life.

You are wasting everyones time asking what some cryptic tweet means! Mostly your own!

 

My question was whether or not a hoover attempt was imminent... which you failed to answer, thus... wasting my time.

[MrBossMan]

I'm pretty sure what I just experiences was a BPD. First of all.. she was the product of a divorce and her mom never showed her ANY attention. She was a cutter at a young age and was also raped because of her need for attention from ANY guy. She would always say "I can't do anything right". I would bring her flowers and she would act like ti was just no big deal. Any amount of attention I gave her wasn't enough. She actually cut herself once during the relationship. She started pulling away emotionally about 8 months in.. after the honeymoon stage. There's nothing wrong with reading about BPD's and matching up the symptoms. Being in a relationship with one of these people is EXTREMELY psychologically challenging. It became almost a game of me trying to prove my love for her.. the more I tried... the more she would pull away and act out. She was accuse me of going to work just to see the girls that worked their. It was awful.. but I loved her. She ended up leaving me to claim her next victim. Enough about me... It sounds like maybe you're holding on to a slight hope that she is going to recycle you. DO NOT get back with her. I'm trying to tell myself the same thing if my crazy BPD ex comes back. It will NEVER be the same as it was in the beginning when she idolized you and made you feel like the best man on the earth. Their cycle is Idealize, Devalue, Dump, Recycle. Stay far away from these woman. One tell tale sign is that they want to speed up the process of the relationship in the beginning.

 

Exactly. I heard a seasoned therapist say that it's easy for regular people to spot PD symptoms and accurately match them to specific disorders... especially when you've been in an intimate relationship with the person for a long time.

 

Yes, there are people out there who will just yell BPD after getting dumped, but I knew my gf was bpd for YEARS without saying anything while witnessing the symptoms consistently. You can look and see how far back I've been posting about it, yet our friend above would group me in with those other guys.

 

No, I will not speak to her, much less get back with her.

[Downtown]

It's easy for regular people to spot PD symptoms and accurately match them to specific disorders... especially when you've been in an intimate relationship with the person for a long time.

I agree, Boss. One reason is that, because PDs are "spectrum" disorders, we all exhibit the traits to some degree. This means that we know what PD behaviors look like from the inside as well as from the outside. Another reason it is not difficult to spot such traits in a partner is that there is nothing subtle about warning signs such as strong verbal abuse, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between adoring and devaluing the partner.

 

Of course, this does not imply that you can determine whether your partner's BPD traits are so severe and persistent that they satisfy 100% of the diagnostic guidelines for having full-blown BPD. Only a professional can do that. You nonetheless should be capable of spotting any strong warning signs that occur.

 

Before you graduated high school, you already could identify the selfish and very grandiose classmates -- without knowing how to diagnose Narcissistic PD. You could identify the class drama queen -- without being able to diagnose Histrionic PD. You could spot the kids having no respect for laws or other peoples' property or feelings -- without diagnosing Antisocial PD. And you could recognize the very shy and over-sensitive classmates -- without diagnosing Avoidant PD.

 

Similarly, you will be able to spot strong BPD traits when they occur if you take a little time to learn what behaviors are considered to be warning signs. If you are interested, Boss, I provide a list of red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. And I provide a more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. Take care, Boss.