Friends or more than friends? HELP! I can't tell what we have going on here!

[bellalunacy]

I have an online friend that I've been IMing and emailing since before Christmas. We "talk" nearly every day, usually for several hours at a time. We both are divorced and each have two children. He has full custody of his kids as do I. We have a lot in common besides the similarities in our situations and we talk about anything and everything to each other. Needless to say, we have gotten very close in a relatively short period of time even though we live nearly 500 miles apart.

 

At the very beginning, when we first started talking, we both defined our relationship as "just friends." However, we flirt constantly and always have since the start. He tells me that I am pretty, look very young for my age, and that he can't understand why I'm not attached. (We've exchanged pictures.) He knows about my divorce (messy) and I his (even more messy) and we both have dated quite a bit, off and on, over the past several years (I've been divorced 7 yrs, He's been divorced 6).

 

I have given up on the dating scene as it's really hard to meet someone that's interesting both emotionally and intellectually. He's said basically the same thing to me regarding his recent dating experiences. We've discussed relationships "in general" but not talked specifically re what we are doing with each other-- ie. does this friendship have the potential for being more than just friends? I would like more and I think so would he, but I feel like we dance around the subject when we get close to saying something "real." So, what do you guys think? What should I do, if anything? HELP! I'M FRUSTRATED!

 

Bella

[Jardin]

Bella-

 

I have a few questions before I feel I can address your questions-- just to clarify.

 

First-- this is an on-line thing. What do you know about this guy other than what he's told you? I'm not saying that he's anything else but what he says he is- but how do you know for sure he's on the up and up?

 

Second-- If you've "given up dating," why are you talking to this guy?

 

J

[Merin]

Well.. Jardin makes a good point, if this is an online deal right now all you know is what he's told you.. and again could be that everything he's said is true.. but yeah.

 

So at this point I guess if you're hoping for something more with this guy, then at some point the 2 of you are going to need to meet IRL and see how that goes.. so why not suggest a day that perhaps the 2 of you could meet up IRL and see how that goes.

[alphamale]

you don't know squat about this dude and don't try to kid yourself that you do. and how exactly do you flirt from 500 miles away?

 

your mind is full of romantic and idealistic expectations about this dude and that is not good.

 

the image you have created in your mind and the one you will see in real life (if you ever do meet) will most likely be very different.

[whichwayisup]

Start talking on the phone. Get to hear eachothers voices and see how that goes.

 

I'm not saying what he tells you is/isn't true...You can get to know someone well online...BUT...With that being said, you don't know his habits, his moods, what he is like when he has a bad day. You don't know his general personality, how he interacts with people, how he treats them! Stuff like that.

 

Face to face atleast you get to see someone's mannerisms and are able to see their eyes. The eyes tell alot. Facial expressions.

 

Online it is easy to get an idea of what the other person is like, words can say alot and bring on alot of feelings...But it also is just as easy to put your own spin on him and what you think he COULD be like, not how he actually IS like.

 

Take it slow. Get him to open up with you, ask him to talk to you when he's in a bad mood, or sick or just all around having a crappy day...See how he is, how he treats you.

 

Good luck and just keep your heart shielded abit, just incase...

[bellalunacy]

Hey, y'all!

 

Thanks for taking the time for answering my post- I really appreciate it. My on-line friend and I continue to talk frequently, or as frequently as both being single parents allows.

 

Jardin- thanks for your concern re getting to know this guy. We gals gotta stick together, right? :-) This is kinda embarassing to admit, but when this guy and I first started talking, I ran a background check on him. I have a couple of friends that have been dating on-line for a while now and they talked me into doing it for safety reasons. I'm glad I did though 'cuz he did check out!

 

As to the not wanting to date thing- I really didn't get into this for romance. I met this guy on-line in a parenting chatroom and gradually we started to become friends. Most of our earliest talks had to do with our kids- we both have a boy and a girl each, very near to each other in age and grade. I had just gotten out of a sticky dating relationship where my bf wanted more out of the relationship than I wanted to give at the time. That I'm even considering the romance potential is a huge surprise to me!

 

Whichwayisup and Merin- We do talk and get to hear each others' voices 'cuz we talk over a microphone through IM on the computer- and we've even splurged and talked on the phone a few times. You are so right, we need to see each other in real life and see what happens from there. Got any good ideas as to how to approach this?

 

Bella

 

P.S. Alpha- you're right- I may not no him as well as I think I do. But I do know myself and I do know that I know how to flirt-- long distance or up close and personal! Just 'cuz long distance flirting isn't something that you are familiar with doesn't mean that it doesn't exist!