Rachy85 Posted November 2, 2014 Share Posted November 2, 2014 Has anyone ever been so ambiguous? I used to be such a strong confident woman. I never have been more conflicted in my life. I used to make decisions without fear, but certainly not on impulse. I could clearly see the pros and cons and make a decision and be comfortable in it and make what I wanted come into fruition. Then this last year, that all changed. You would think me being older I would be wiser, stronger, more confident. But thats not the case, and so far therapy hasn't helped. I have changed therapists and treatment modalities but the problem remains so I know it is intrinsic. I am stuck in a cycle that never ends. I remember in my younger years when my life was so much more fragile not having this fear. I had no family, no home, no financial security...but worked 3 jobs from 16-18 then went to college with nothing but 1 bag of clothes and sheets. No computer, no family, no pillow..literally not much. It never seemed to throw me into panic when breaks would come up, I would simply apply to stay on campus as I had no where else to go. I would work for what my scholarship didn't cover and so be it. I anticipated everything and was prepared. I seemed more easy going... Now, I have two college degrees, married for six years, have some sense of financial security even though my husband is the bread winner and gate keeper, I know my legal rights, but I feel more scared then ever. I am almost 30, with a Masters, with lots of friends and community supports...and yet I am terrified of making any drastic moves, even though I did with much less at a much younger age. WTH happened to me?! One minute, and I do mean literal minutes, I am sure I want my husband and marriage and have faith in the problems working out. I cling to the idealistic and fantasized views with fear and hope all at once. One moment I tell myself this is what I want and deserve and I must fight for it. Then literally the next I don't. I am not sure what is reality any more. I think I have trauma formed abandonment triggers from my childhood and perhaps I lost my independence over the years and that is why I am a shadow of my former self. I gave him the reigns on my life and am terrified of taking them back even though I am more capable now! One minute I think we are going to have the life we dreamed of, I will become a mother, life will be amazing. But then the next minute I say your fooling yourself because you haven't been intimate in 2 years, marriage counseling isn't working, your separating, he made it clear he resents you and doesn't want to work on it any more. I will panic and make a decision then immediately regret it. This is impacting my living situation, me taking and turning down job offers, me telling my friends and family (who I consider family) that I am doing this, then nope I am doing that...I am sure I am driving them insane at this point. How do I break this cycle?! WTH am I doing??? What do I really want?! I moved to Texas to be with him 4 months ago, after a year separation, but have flown back home 5x these past 4 months, applied to jobs and apartments there with the intent of leaving. I will say ok I have exhausted all I can do to save this marriage go find who you are...then I freak out and cancel literally LAST minute. Then the moment I feel calm about not making that move, I instantly am now panicked about staying in TX. I have turned down jobs now in both states, I am all over the place. I make a decision out of fear then panic and regret it. None stop cycle... I want a change-> make the change-> regret it-> renege-> panic and regret it again-> repeat Anyone else ever been through this?! Anyone want a divorce for all the emotional and logical reasons but can't bring themselves to do it when the time comes? Then instantly regret it either way...? Please help if you have... Link to post Share on other sites
Movingforward2 Posted November 2, 2014 Share Posted November 2, 2014 Same situation here. I can't make a decision and stay with it. I used to be such a black or white decision guy, but now I just live in a bunch of gray. My divorce like a lot of others has flipped my life so upside down and I just can't get control on it. I've been to counseling, I work out, and appear to have everything together from the outside, but it's a complete disaster inside. I keep working on it, and hope I can get out of this funk. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 2, 2014 Share Posted November 2, 2014 You are obviously a bright person, a subset subject to paralysis by analysis. Look at it this way - fluctuating feelings aside, what course of action does this set of circumstances dictate: But then the next minute I say your fooling yourself because you haven't been intimate in 2 years, marriage counseling isn't working, your separating, he made it clear he resents you and doesn't want to work on it any more. The answer is pretty clear. Be brave in pursuit of it... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elgringo Posted November 2, 2014 Share Posted November 2, 2014 Its hard because these are huge life changing decisions and u don't want to make a mistake. I've been there. I left my wife and agonized over it, even tried to reconcile with her a few times. I do believe it was the right choice, but its scary because I'm leaving the known (even though it was crappy it was predictable and comfortable) for an uncertain future. I am using this opportunity to work on myself and become a better person. Find an individual counselor you can talk to. That helps a lot. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Hardgrind Posted November 2, 2014 Share Posted November 2, 2014 Rachy, We were in a similar situation. I took a job in Texas and moved there. My wife took a job on the East Coast and never quite made the move here. She would visit, had her stuff shipped here but reality was her life was centered on the East Coast. Eventually I discovered she was having an affair with someone there. On DDay, she had clarity and stated she wanted to be me in Texas, but that did not hold up over time. She wanted both me in Texas and her AP on the East Coast. After several months it became obvious she was not going to make a choice, so I did. I told her for us to stay together she needed to go NC with the AP. She didn't, so I made the decision to Divorce. Why did you fly back home 5X in 4 months? Was it the same trigger each time? Please don't have a child under these conditions. A child will not bring clarity or help you decide what you want. All it will do is make one or both of you feel trapped. The year of separation should have brought some clarity. In our case two months of separation did the trick. In your case it sounds like you have two almost equal competing needs, one that your husband fulfills and one that he doesn't. Do you know what these needs are? In our case I provided security and the AP was a bigger boost to her desire for pleasure and an ego boost. Based on what you describe, it is something more than security that you get from your husband. Link to post Share on other sites
Decisiontomake Posted November 2, 2014 Share Posted November 2, 2014 OP it took me forever to separate from my marriage with the same swings you are having. Now, having been separated six months, I'm still struggling to make it permanent and divorce even though I know I don't want to go back. I don't have the answer. I wish I did. But you are not alone. There is fear involved in making a final decision but that must be better than the limbo. That's what I'm trying to tell myself at least. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rachy85 Posted November 3, 2014 Author Share Posted November 3, 2014 Thank you everyone for your replies. Hargrind: I am not sure I understand. You told your wife in order to save your marriage to go to NC to be with the other man??? And when she wanted to stay you filed for divorce? Did I misinterpret that? And what did your 2 month separation result in that "did the trick."? The needs my husband fills are security, safety, calmness, familiarity...but I have grown up over the last ten years and my values have changed. I know I need fun, passion, laughter, conversation. He rarely have fun together, there is no passion, rare laughter and rare conversation. He is completely ok working 24-7 and spending his free time going for runs or video gaming. Me, I need much more. I want to laugh until it hurts, I want to be social with my partner, like best friends...I need more energy and not everything so routine. His needs are for me to be ok with him where he is at...and I want to grow. The year we spent apart was tough, and this isnt the first time we were in trouble...but this is the first time HE has said the D word multiple times. All I ever said was that if things don't change we could be headed down that road, he actually talks and researches filing for one now. I think he meets my economical and instrumental needs, but not my intrinsic ones. If he could, I would have the best relationship and marriage ever! I would be so happy to know I didn't have to sacrifice a best friend for a provider. Its just tough now because I adapted to the life I became accustomed to and while it destroys me to not have the other piece I don't know how to let go... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rachy85 Posted November 3, 2014 Author Share Posted November 3, 2014 And I flew home 5x because I was home sick, depressed, interviewing for jobs...yes same trigger every time. But then when I am there I miss what I came to love about TX...then when I am back here I miss NH...its an endless cycle and NOT easy to just say go where your happy...thats just geography. I have friends and opportunities in both places, happiness comes from within. I could make a life in either state...I just don't know what to do...or where to go... Link to post Share on other sites
Decisiontomake Posted November 3, 2014 Share Posted November 3, 2014 I think we always know what we want Rachel - it's just sometimes a hard road to push down to actually get us there. I am not preaching - I'm in the exact same boat, just a little further down the river than you are. It is totally scary to make a break from a relationship - debilitating so in most cases. I believe you do want to end this cycle, and the only way to do that is take the deepest breath you've ever taken, and do it. As I said, it took me a while to get to that so I'm not pushing you - just pointing out some of the obvious from your rhetoric x Link to post Share on other sites
MTmama Posted November 3, 2014 Share Posted November 3, 2014 Do you think that if you made a choice and stuck with it, found the positives in that choice and persevered you would settle down? Can you try counseling with your DH and explore the causes of your current lack of relationship with him? Have you made a pro and cons list? When I make a decision based on the pros and cons, there will always be pros that get disregarded because the cons outweighed them. So in making a choice, there are good things that are left behind. It is all about priorities. I hope you can work through this my friend. You are definitely smart, educated and capable of moving forward. Hugs! Link to post Share on other sites
Be_Strong Posted November 3, 2014 Share Posted November 3, 2014 Hargrind: I am not sure I understand. You told your wife in order to save your marriage to go to NC to be with the other man??? And when she wanted to stay you filed for divorce? Did I misinterpret that? He told his wife to go "No Contact" with her affair partner. He was not telling her to go to North Carolina Link to post Share on other sites
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