Are people born/cursed losers for life?

[life loser]

Is it possible to be born a life loser? I just always seem to go backwards when I try and get ahead. I will never, ever get anywhere even close to where I have the curse of dreaming of being.

 

I was beaten and neglected as a child, an unloved (even unheld) virgin until 22, have lost most my jobs, (one time I worked two jobs to get ahead, and I lost the good one cause I fell asleep) and had to move a lot cause of anxiety and restlessness (always looking for a fresh start to make things better). Now I am 40, have had enough bad luck to realise I will never get ahead (just over the past 5 years I have missed out on buying a house for several reasons and the prices have now doubled and I can't) and today I drove my car into a tree and the insurance says they wont pay because they don't believe I hit a tree! I asked what difference it made what I hit (as long as it wasn't a person, animal or another car!) if I was admitting responsibility. My mechanic told me that they were just a$%^&*# who threaten everyone with a long investigation/re-enactment, etc., that will take months so they don't have to pay.

 

But my basic question is...

 

are people born losers? do they go through life with a cloud of bad luck over them (like Linus)? Is there anyway to exercise the bad luck/curse out of you? Or do you just give up and accept that nonne of your dreams will ever come true and I am a true stupid loser who will never amount to anything more than a pile of **** for the next generation to plants flowers in?

[jade_nc]

could it be that you only concentrate on the negative?

 

i believe that positive energy begets positive energy. not to say that bad things haven't happened in my life, they have. i've had car accidents (several), bad marriage, not a fabulous childhood, i've lost jobs too.

 

i don't see myself as a born cursed loser, though. i've had some pretty great things happen to me as well.

[LucreziaBorgia]

are people born losers? do they go through life with a cloud of bad luck over them (like Linus)? Is there anyway to exercise the bad luck/curse out of you? Or do you just give up and accept that nonne of your dreams will ever come true and I am a true stupid loser who will never amount to anything more than a pile of **** for the next generation to plants flowers in?

 

Bad experiences become self-fulfilling prophecy. You become accustomed to your own misery, since misery is all you've known. It makes little sense to most people, but people who know nothing but misery tend to perpetuate it because it is what they are used to. Everyone has the power to change things, but if change means threatening that sense of misery that you have become accustomed and addicted to (and subconsciously make decisions to perpetuate the misery) - then change cannot happen.

 

You can't help or change the facts of a abusive childhood. That was not your fault. But, the unloved virgin until 22? I expect that you pushed people away, or carried yourself or acted in such a way that no one would find you attractive - (self fulfilling prophecy). Lost your jobs? You likely subconsciously did things that presented yourself as a poor employee or a detriment to the company - (self fulfilling prophecy). Miss out on buying a house? Are those things that come up that prevented you from doing so things that you had a direct (or indirect) hand in causing? Insurance company causing you problems? That's not your fault, nor is it bad luck. Insurance companies aren't working for you. They work for themselves. You can't control that, and shouldn't chalk it up to "bad luck" or a "curse".

 

I'm not trying to be mean. I'm trying to show you that if you just let go of the bars for a minute, and looked down in your hand you'll see that you are holding the key to that cage you've locked yourself in.

 

If you want to change, and turn this "curse" around - then start with abolishing your self-sabotage. You've taken up self-punishment that took up where your abusive parents left off. They conditioned you through abuse to accept abuse as part of your life and who you are. No matter how horrible it is, it is part of you and letting go of something that is a part of you (no matter how painful it is) can be difficult, because on some level you need it. Your parents fed you emotional poison, and that same poison sustains you to this day, even as it kills your dreams around you. The only curses and bad luck are the ones that you perpetuate to keep yourself in a state of familiar misery. You can break the cycle, but you may need some therapy to do it.

 

When you are ready to stop this cycle, pick up the phone and make an appointment with a therapist. If you are strapped for cash, call up your local Social Services - explain your situation and ask to be referred to a therapist at your county mental health office. Or, you can do like I did and just walk in. You are charged for services according to your income or what you can afford to pay. You will not be turned away.

[moimeme]

Absolutely see a therapist. If nothing else, your past may have affected the way you deal with people and that in turn may have been a major cause of your 'bad luck'. It's time to get to the root of the problem - and I agree that it's not 'luck'. Do yourself a favour and get yourself treated today.

[whichwayisup]

i believe that positive energy begets positive energy.

 

I believe in that too...Whatever energy we feel and put out there comes back to us. Not all the time cuz there are days crappy things just happen. Life happens - Death, accidents, unfortunate situations etc...But it is HOW we learn from them is what counts. If there was ONLY good then we would not grow and become stronger.

 

Some people DO have bad luck, and I'm sure at times giving in and feeling bad about it is normal but don't let it get you down all the time.

 

Some things happen for a reason - Both good and bad - but most of the time we do have choices.

 

I agree with M, go see a therapist, if anything to help you through your past. It can only help you and better you as a person; Give you confidence and coping skills to handle the things in your life.

 

I hope this helps. Take care and remember tomorrow always brings the chance of a better day.

[life loser]

Hi LucreziaBorgia - thanks for you lengthy (and brutally honest reply)

 

I often do feel like even the decisions I make to make it better end up making it worse (although I don't see how I sabatoged the decision or chose the worst option - often I try and do what would seem to make my life better, and it ends up having the opposite effect)

 

Also, I don'ty undetsand this 'think positive' and positive things will happen to you. I've just found out i have a growth on my liver that I need a cat scan for - how was I supposed to have thought positive thoughts to prevent that?

 

It seems to be that it is rooted in being abused as a child and i expect abuse, but i have consiously treied to change that (and have ben somewhat successful at times) but something completely out of the blue (that I had no control opver) knocks me right back into the ****s. I guess I just fel like i never get ahead or 'get in the clear' in my life, but its probably because my life is based on **** and it's hard to get out of. what if I kill myself and create a whole new life? a perfect childhood in my head

[HokeyReligions]

I tend to agree with the optimists who have posted here, but still I wonder. I can understand what you are talking about -- that dark cloud always floating overhead.

 

Its probably the closest I've found to convincing me that there may indeed be some being -- a deity commonly called God (or God's equivalent in whatever religion you may happen to believe or follow) because the Bible's explanation of this type of phenomena makes the most sense to me, at this point in time anyway. Although I wonder if there isn't some kind of physiological/scientific explanation that has yet to be discovered?

 

Just as some people have different metabolisms, a 'sixth-sense', or always seem to have good fortune; maybe there IS some kind of force (within or without) that has some power of guidance over these things? Maybe it influences everyone to a certain degree, but our environment and experiences are what hone it. We may follow it without knowing, or lead and it becomes a weight to keep us back. Or maybe we can control it, but don't yet know how because we haven't identified it.

 

There are some people who seem to always have 'good' things happen, and others who always seem to have 'bad' things happen in their life.

 

We do have some control over how we let this effect us. It’s natural to be down sometimes, but you can bring yourself back up.

 

What are some good things that have happened? You say you've lost jobs--but you are always able to find new ones right?

 

You were a virgin until you were 22, but you are not still a virgin--you have known physical love at least.

 

 

You were not able to buy a house before, but maybe that's a good thing because with the job situation, the stress of the commitment may have been more than you could handle.

 

You recognize that you have kept moving to search for a new start, but are now realizing that a new start has to come from within you -- not your surroundings.

 

Therapy may help you. It helped us.

 

I grew up in hospitals because my dad had MS, mom cancer, grandmother every other disease known to mankind. I didn't start dating until after high school and my first love left after he got what he wanted from me. I expected it to be that way. My husband and I broke up several times, and at one point we were living in a 1973 VW Bug! We lost everything. I had two beautiful children who died when they were 13 and 14. I bought a house and my husband became disabled and it's been very stressful trying to keep our home. My mother - whom I am extremely close with -- moved in with us six years ago and is now critically ill and we are just waiting. I have cancer that I'm still fighting and heart disease also. I have no health insurance and last December I went into anaphylactic shock and nearly died. The cost for all of that is astronomical!

 

But, my husband and I are closer than many couples. We lived through some horrible stuff and are now more confident with each other and ourselves. I have a job that may go permanent and I wouldn't have had it if I hadn't had so much experience before. We are still in our house, I do have my mother for whatever time she has left, cancer hasn't kicked my butt yet, and even though I'm scared sometimes of being homeless again (at my age, and I'm older than you, it would not be easy) I don't let it get to me for too long. I KNOW I can deal with whatever comes at me. I'm not afraid to die, I'm not afraid of self-termination (I believe in that), but it's now a challenge to me and I am not one to give up. It's my 'take that!' attitude that has garnered some new friends and some new opportunities.

 

And I have LoveShack -- which helps me far more than anyone could possibly know. LS is the best tool I've found for helping me help myself.

 

So, whether the 'dark cloud' is real or not, one thing is for sure--you can change your perception of it, and it will seem (maybe it really does) to change.

 

 

I'm sorry about your car -- but I'm awefully happy that you were not hurt!

[LucreziaBorgia]

it's hard to get out of

 

Yes, it is. I agree. Its a struggle - and it always will be a sliding scale of struggle from here on out. But, once you get the help you need to untangle some of that stuff that your path is bogged down in - you'll find that you are able to keep the struggle to a bare minimum. If it is said that we follow paths in life, yours is a dark path littered with unpleasant things and blocked by thorns.

 

I won't promise you that one day you'll suddenly find that your path in life becomes "wide open happy flowers and roses to light your gentle happy way" but I can tell you that it gets a hell of a lot easier when you have someone in your corner helping you to clear the path as you go along. That would be your therapist.

 

Eventually, you can get to the point where you can clear your own path. How much of a struggle it is to clear your path, depends on the work you put into it. Its an every day process. Eventually you'll stop asking why your path is so dark and cluttered, and you'll be able to just chop your way through as needed. It does take time though. Sometimes you'll still find yourself stepping on that poop in your path, or scratching yourself up in an attempt to barrel through without thought and planning.

 

Take control. Call a therapist. Seriously - you have the power to start yourself out on a better path, you just have to be willing to take it. If you have to, ask your doctor for a referral.

[jade_nc]

positive thought isn't meant to be process by which you prevent any negative thing from happening in your life.

 

it's a coping mechanism that is meant to help you deal with the controllable, uncontrollable, positive and negative things that happen.

 

some things that happen to us are beyond our control. but that doesn't mean that we need to surrender our lives to them.

 

when i was growing up, my father would fly off in fits of drunken rage. i sat in my closet covered with all the clothes i could find with my hands over my ears....hoping that i wasn't the source of his anger, hoping that i wouldn't get back handed or kicked down the hall for making him angry. sometimes it was me, and he would find me. sometimes it wasn't.

 

not a part of my past i care to relive, definitely not something positive that happened in my life. but because of that experience, i was able to spot the signs in others before getting into a committed relationship with them. my children don't have to worry about mommy or daddy hitting them - ever....and for that, i'm thankful.

 

you do have the power within you to control how you see the events that happen in your life. i agree that a therapist would do a great deal to help you see that.

[life loser]

thanks everyone for their great replies - i've been thinknigng alot about it the last few days

 

I gues what I am wondering is how you keep a positive attitutde when it seems like most your life has been $#!^?

 

If I had a great childhood, perfect wife, enormus house, etc. and something bad happened to me, I could blow it off, but when it's another in a life-long string, my enrgy just runs out.

 

I agree I am lucky in some ways - I wasn't hurt in the accident, I could even 'consider' buying a house (I'm not homeless) etc. but it's the trying to get ahead and do the right thing that always backfires in my face and blows up into bad luck that makes me think I have a curse. If I was one of those people HokeyReligions mentioned who always seem to have goodf things happen, a little car wreck wouldn't even faze me - it'd be something ta laugh about around dinner with all my finds in my big fancy house with the perfect wife, kids, dogs, etc.

 

How do you get that feeling they must have?

[ReluctantRomeo]

Hi there Life (notice I'm taking the loser out of your name )

 

It is a sad fact in this life that some people DO lead very fortunate lives, some don't. My cleaner is a refugee who has lost all her possessions (and many of her friends and relatives) in the chaos that has engulfed her country. On the other hand, everything always seems to work well for me - childhood, family, friends, job, enormous house you name it. Only the love life seems to have its hiccups And even there, I find no shortage of willing volunteers to replace ReluctantJuliette.

 

I do think that hard work, planning and focussing on the positive explains some of my success, but when I look at my cleaner I realise that at least as much of it is luck and accident of where and who you were born. The really striking thing is how well my cleaner takes it and how happy she manages to be. She finds a lot of comfort in God and church.

 

 

Originally posted by life loser

If I was one of those people HokeyReligions mentioned who always seem to have goodf things happen, a little car wreck wouldn't even faze me - it'd be something ta laugh about around dinner with all my finds in my big fancy house with the perfect wife, kids, dogs, etc.

 

How do you get that feeling they must have?

 

Don't imagine our lives are automatically happy - "A man's life does not consist in the abundance of possessions". Wanna know how I felt in January after ReluctantJuliette left? In my perfect house having dinner with my perfect friends who came round to comfort me?

[moimeme]

Sorry, RR, but nice try. The 'but I have problems tooooooo' refrain of the very fortunate rings hollow to people who even worry whether they might have a home at all in the future.

 

LL, therapy has been suggested. You're still asking what to do - is there a reason you're ignoring the advice to seek professional help? I agree that it is possible to feel positive and hopeful even if you're down and out, but when you've got that many strikes against you, you're piling up a lot of life stressors and eventually these can tip you into clinical depression which no amount of 'pull yourself up by your own bootstraps' type advice will cure.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by moimeme

Sorry, RR, but nice try. The 'but I have problems tooooooo' refrain of the very fortunate rings hollow to people who even worry whether they might have a home at all in the future.

 

 

Yeah, but give me credit - this was just a footnote. Most of my mail is about acknowledging that life isn't fair - some people really do have more problems than others.

 

The real point is attitude. My cleaner should give lessons on this. And I definitely agree on the therapy.

[jade_nc]

it's been my experience that there are alot of people out there who drive fabulous cars, have tremendous homes, the perfect family, childhood, etc - and yet AREN'T happy.

 

happiness comes from within.....not from what you have, or don't.....or by what you were or were not given.

 

when i found myself at the point you are, i was given a book by a friend of mine. if you can't afford therapy or just don't want to go.....try going to the library and checking out some self motivation books. the one i liked the most was The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

 

be pro-active....if you want the things you've talked about, figure out a way to get them. write it down and then start working to achieve those goals. you'll still have set-backs, don't get me wrong.....but when you look back at your life in 10yrs, 5 yrs, even 1 yr - you'll see a difference.

 

like RR said.....there are alot of people in this world who were born into misfortune. i'm sure if he asked his cleaner, she's much happier here even with the little that she does have, then she was.

[moimeme]

Yeah, but give me credit - this was just a footnote. Most of my mail is about acknowledging that life isn't fair - some people really do have more problems than others.

 

Capisce.

 

The real point is attitude. My cleaner should give lessons on this. And I definitely agree on the therapy.

 

Sometimes you need therapy to get your attitude topped up.

[life loser]

thanks everyone

 

and moimeme I am seeing a therapist (for the umnpteenth time) thanks, I was just wondering what other people thought about the big picture

[Mr Spock]

You don't really fit the "loser" type.

 

 

 

And what IS getting "ahead" to you anyways?

 

 

Your problems are your problems, and because other people have more or less severe problems than you doesn't diminsh your feelings in any way.

 

There are some people who float through life without any true tragedy, or at least float throught the first 40 years or so without it.

 

 

Then there are people who just keep getting knocked down by life.

 

Then there are the people who fate kicks in the balls after life knocks them down.

 

So what DO you like about your life, and yourself? What are your goals? (don't feel bad if you don't have any goals either-goals aren't for everyone)

 

 

 

I'll break down a few things for you.

 

 

You can have the BIGGEST house and your wife could still be schtupping the pool boy. Your daughter could be giving blow jobs for coke, and you could be embezzling money from your job to take your floozy to Cuba.

 

 

You don't HAVE to cure cancer. You don't have to get married. You don't have to own a home.

 

 

Just do what makes you happy in your life. If that's bowling with a friend and stealing office supplies from work, then DO it.

 

 

Car accidents suck. Tell your insurance company to stop f*cking you around or you'll get a lawyer. And no, although they DO suck, they are not a sign that your life is a big mess. They happen to people who are happier than you as well.

[lonelyctg]

Gee, I thought I was the only one who thought this way, but after reading your post, I think I found my missing twin. Everything in my life has always turned out wrong, backwards. I keep wondering why I was born in the first place, if God is laughing at me up there at my faliure.

I have felt unloved for as long as I can remember. I am married now, this is my 3rd marriage, which is also on the rocks. I have always been unhappy in my marriages and although they started out good, romantic and loving men, they have all left me. What was once a romantic marriage always ends up being destroyed. I now understand that I am not capable of being loved. There is not a man on the face of this earth that will ever love me fully like I deserve.

Out of 3 marriages, I have never received a diamond ring, either. Even on holidays, I receive nothing. I cry when I watch television and see the stupid jewelry ad's showing happy woman receiving gifts of love. For the unloved get nothing, as I. I work in customer service and wait on customers all day, customers who wear HUGE diamond rings and look so happy. But my finger is bare. Like my heart.

There must be something about me that makes me unloveable, I am really not sure. I am tall, at 5'9", very slender, and I consider myself quite beautiful, and have been told that I am. Men stare at me all the time, but no one can love me.

Besides being loved, other aspects of my life have also gone down the drain. I never went to college, so I have a low paying dead end job, all my friends went to college and now have great jobs, live in nice areas and have good marriages. I am broke, don't even have a car.

I don't know why God did this to me, I don't think it's fair. I cry almost everyday. People at work think I am happy, but it's all an act. Sometimes I wish I could just die, though I would never end my life with my own hands, I don't believe in that. So I guess I am just stuck here to rot on earth and watch everyone else be happy while I grow old and cry.

[prisoner]

rain falls on the just and the unjust alike.

 

there is no such thing as cursed. there is only allowing the curse to continue. every negative cycle can be broken. we can choose to fight back.

 

we can choose the covenant instead of the curse. we can choose to win with what we have got. we can choose to rush the battle line.

 

you yourself are a miracle. believe it. know it. remember it. do whatever you have to. it is the truth.

 

even if there is still dirt underneath yuor fingernails from the hole you crawled out of you can choose to stand up. and fight back.

[moimeme]

Excellent, Prisoner!

 

There is not a man on the face of this earth that will ever love me fully like I deserve.

 

This is a little disturbing. What do you mean 'like you deserve'? How do you love them?

 

I cry when I watch television and see the stupid jewelry ad's showing happy woman receiving gifts of love. For the unloved get nothing, as I. I work in customer service and wait on customers all day, customers who wear HUGE diamond rings and look so happy. But my finger is bare. Like my heart.

 

Is it possible that this negative attitude permeates all your interactions, including those with your spouse? I work with someone who is extremely negative, and she's no fun to be around. You need to change the way you look at your life.

 

First of all, have you ever been diagnosed with depression? If you have not seen a physician about all this, do that. If you have been checked out and found to be fine, the next step is to work on your own attitude. Try "The art of happiness" by the Dalai Lama.

 

but no one can love me.

 

Do you focus on being loved or on loving?

 

I don't know why God did this to me,

 

God didn't do this to you. You can go back to school. You can change your life. Plenty of women have - at all ages.

 

So I guess I am just stuck here to rot on earth and watch everyone else be happy while I grow old and cry.

 

That's not your option. Getting help is your option. Start with your physician.

[suegail]

Lonelyctg,

 

I'm sorry it's been hard for you. It sounds as if you do what I have done in the past and that is to choose the wrong men. My choice - - my decision - - things went down the tubes, but I got over it. Life goes on, and life is better.

 

I agree with Moimeme that you COULD get your education and thereby get independent. Invest a couple of years in college - - get a student loan and go for it. I think just getting on board and taking classes would help build your self esteem. I remember that back when i was in nursing school one of the ladies in my class was well into her 50's. She said she'd always wanted to be a nurse and just decided one day it wasn't going to happen if she didn't try. And believe me, this field is wide open, lots of opportunities.

 

I believe that God doesn't see you as a failure, but He sees your hurt and frustration. Only it's that it is by God's design that we have free will, therefore what we choose to do with our lives is just that, our choice.

[newbee]

LL,

it sounds to me like you may set yourself unrealistic goals and overextend yourself. the reason i say this is that i have a tendency to do the same thing and you taking on the two jobs at once and exhausting yourself struck a chord with me. the trouble is that the more you feel you fail the more you feel you have to do to fix things and make up for lost time (dealing with aftereffects of last failure). i once took on two years of a degree course at once because i felt an urgency to get my degree in half the time alongside various other commitments jobs etc, needless to say i had a nervous breakdown. i try now to not rush ahead to the future where all my problems will be solved if i can manage to do this thisand this and try to be more happy and grateful for what i have now. also when all the ideas and solutions come flooding in try not to get too excited and implement them all at once.

 

lonelyctg

it sounds to me like this is a case of 'expectations' and mediabrainwashing. why do you need a diamond ring to prove that your relationship is successful?? you dont state any other reasons why you consider your relationships are unsuccessful. you say noone loves you enough. perhaps nothing is ever enough?? if you compare your own reality to movies and adverts and the distant observations of other peoples lives you will always be unhappy.