Is Internet Dating a waste of time?

[tokyo]

I like the quiet nice guys who know what they want and who are not too clingy. But I don't like it when they wallow in self-pity.

[d'Arthez]

It really depends on the site you use, and the criteria you select to pick a possible future partner.

 

And if you are the proverbial nice guy, kooky, don't forget that a lot of these men have grown bitter after 20 years of rejection, because they were just not physically too appealing. Especially towards women who had their fun for 15-20 years, and 'suddenly' decide they want to settle down. They ask themselves where these women were 15-20 years ago, and you can't blame them entirely for that.

 

You can't be too nice (unless we talk about the spineless variation of nice guys, which is not true of SleepingLover). Just as you can't be too moral, even though it is sometimes used as a break-up excuse.

 

I definetely know what I want, and am not bitter. But rarely I do meet a woman who wants the same thing, especially at my age. It does not help that I am highly unbalanced in many ways though.

 

We'll see what the future holds

[tokyo]

Originally posted by alphamale

you're hallucinating KOOKY

 

Ha, must be your nearing birthday, people grow fonder with age.

[tokyo]

Originally posted by d'Arthez

It really depends on the site you use, and the criteria you select to pick a possible future partner.

 

And if you are the proverbial nice guy, kooky, don't forget that a lot of these men have grown bitter after 20 years of rejection, because they were just not physically too appealing. Especially towards women who had their fun for 15-20 years, and 'suddenly' decide they want to settle down. They ask themselves where these women were 15-20 years ago, and you can't blame them entirely for that.

 

You can't be too nice (unless we talk about the spineless variation of nice guys, which is not true of SleepingLover). Just as you can't be too moral, even though it is sometimes used as a break-up excuse.

 

I definetely know what I want, and am not bitter. But rarely I do meet a woman who wants the same thing, especially at my age. It does not help that I am highly unbalanced in many ways though.

 

We'll see what the future holds

 

Hm, I've stated my opinions on the so-called "nice" guys a while ago on this thread, so I'm not going to going for another elaborated rant, I'll keep it short. In my opinions, these guys don't get rejected for being not physically attractive, well, most I think don't, but for being so incredibly clingy and having so crappy social skills. If guy who is in his mid-thirties doesn't get it that flirting does not involve touching then he will very likely get rejected and it's not because he's a nice guy. I have a friend who is extremely intelligent, but he's driving me nuts. Well, in that case I do not feel attracted to him, but women are really not that picky concerning looks, you can make up with a lot other things. I think if a guy is intelligent and not ugly and he has problems finding a girlfriend it's because his social skills are crappy or like in your case some instability in his character that may prevent him to take a decision, pursue a woman and commit. But I guess, you also suffer from being a bit picky and choosy.

[SleepingLover]

Originally posted by kooky

I like the quiet nice guys who know what they want and who are not too clingy. But I don't like it when they wallow in self-pity.

 

Hmmm I don't think I have ever been accused of being too clingy. As I think back, maybe when I was quite a bit younger. However, I can't stand women whom are too clingy either so I can understand that point all too well. I hate it when, after several dates, a woman will show up on my doorstep out of nowhere. Or expects me to call or email constantly and if I don't reply back right away... gets a bit huffy about it. The most recent woman I dated came over one night to pick up her computer, which I fixed for her.. then preceded to just stay the entire night. I really didn't expect that and it kinda bothered me. After all, we were merely dating trying to get a feel for each other and that was sorta a "red flag" for me.

 

Back to internet dating though, I think many women and men take SUPERFICIAL to a whole new level on internet dating sites. First, I think it is because there are unrealistic expectations at the outset since it is sort of anonymous as if you are window shopping. Second, because of this, "shoppers" raise the bar on what they would like in a person. I have had some experience with internet dating and let me tell you some of the pics people put up don't necessarily represent them in life very well and neither do some of the personality descriptions. I have met two women whom looked almost nothing like their photos because they used very old photos and selected the best from a large number. I have met another whom was just the opposite. Her photos... none of them... did her any justice. She was georgess in real liffe but you couldn't hardle tell that from her photos. I have been told that my photos don't do much justice too and that I'm much cuter in RL, but what do I know LOL. Internet dating can work, but you are going to have to wallow through the mud for awhile hehe. Don't get too attached over the internet either, save that for after meeting in RL.

[SleepingLover]

Originally posted by kooky

...well, most I think don't, but for being so incredibly clingy and having so crappy social skills.

 

Hmmm... actually my social skills are impeccable, and most especially with women. I work for Purdue University and I have to have good social skills. I work with hundreds, yes that is correct, hundreds of young women everyday and many of them know me on a first name basis. Yet that is in a professional environment. Outside of that one of my problems is approach. I am not really shy, but since I do have a very high empathetic personality, I worry how a woman feels about me approaching her. I see so many guys do it in such a tacky way, it makes me laugh and I can imagine how "she" feels about it. If I can strike up conversation, that becomes my strong suite as I am a great conversationalist. It is getting the ball rolling is where I am weak. What to say to start up a conversation is very difficult for me. And without coming across as a creep or jerk.

 

My other problem is closing the deal. Again this goes back to being empathetic in that I am constantly worrying how "she" is feeling about my asking something from her. Am I making her uncomfortable? This is where I faulter and will sometimes walk away without getting any contact info.

 

With that, it isn't necessarily bad social skills at play, just a constant worry of "how is she feeling about this scenario that I have placed her in?". I feel like I have intruded on "her" space and, in fact, I have. I am a very complex person underneath it all. I can talk to you or anyone about anything. Music, politics, art... etc etc.. I am like a chameleon of sorts who can nearly blend into any situation. I am more of a gentleman than I'd like to admit.

 

I am not weak either. If someone says something I disagree with, I will not agree just to make an impression. I always stick to my guns.

 

What I need, for real... is some coaching on how to come across gentlemanly so I don't feel like I'm stepping on a woman's toes when I approach her. I think not only should I make "her" feel comfortable with my approach, but I should feel comfortable as well. Now how the heck does one manage that ?

[tokyo]

Awww, that has reminded of someone He was so cute and so clumsy in approaching me..... (Don't get me wrong, 'm really in the mood today for smacking his head! Curse him! ).

 

Sleepinglover, stop worrying so much. It's really strange if you approach a woman and then worry so much about bothering her. If you do it nicely she will feel flattered. And she's not interested she'll still give you a nice answer. If you can accept a refusal and still smile you have won. Even if she has felt bothered in the beginning, she will give you credit for taking a no with so much grace.

[d'Arthez]

Kooky, I was not talking about myself. Given my age, I would already have started to be interested in dating girls at the age of 5! Don't think many parents would have liked that , and I am definetely not the clingy / touchy type.

 

The nice guy we talked about it, always seeks an excuse over which he has no control. His looks qualify for that type of excuse. His appaling behavior does not. Because that would suggest he has some control over the results of his actions - it is easier to blame the girls / women is not it?

 

My imbalances account for much. Of course I am choosy and picky. I don't settle for less than I deserve, and I am not the type to do a random hookup. Or do just a relationship for as long as it might last. I am always serious in these matters; most of my friends are not, and they even openly admit that when their SO is not present. And I know I am not the easiest person on this hemisphere. And it takes a strong woman to "contain" me.

 

With the average student in the city where I live I have finished conversation in less than 5 minutes, as the most of them are not intellectually challenging. Call it bragging if you want, but in a small city of almost 200,000 souls, of whom 40,000 are students I find a lot of them intellectually boring. I am more of an anti-intellectual intellectual.

Most of the students don't even read books, let alone literature. As one of my greatest interests is in literature, I'd rather discuss something different from the books people read 6 or 7 years ago, because it was compulsory at the time, and even most used extracts.

 

The women exist, but sadly not too much in the country where I live. I have met a few of them, and most often they where not born and raised in this country. I am considering emigration for some time now. Not because of women, but the whole social climate here. And the govenment is wondering about the brain drain we seem to suffer ...

[moimeme]

As one of my greatest interests is in literature, I'd rather discuss something different from the books people read 6 or 7 years ago, because it was compulsory at the time, and even most used extracts.

 

Have you tried book clubs? Do you write, yourself? If so, have you joined any writers' groups? What about lectures on literature or readings by authors?

[d'Arthez]

I do write myself. A lot. But as this is sadly the wrong corner of the country, barely a thing happens over here. Culturally the town where I live is practically dead. Just as it is dead economically speaking. I could take a look at lectures, though.

 

Sadly students are barely allowed to do something beside their academic pursuits, as the income for most of them is too low, so they have to work for 10-15 hours every week on top of spending 40+ hours a week studying. The bright side is of course, that they have to be practically geniuses to have the time to spend in lectures.

 

I know, I need to move. If not for a woman, at least for my sanity.

[moimeme]

Won't things be better once you're not studying any more?

[d'Arthez]

Originally posted by moimeme

Won't things be better once you're not studying any more?

 

Probably things will be better when that part of university life lies behind me.

 

And I have met some wonderful women in my age bracket, who are into exactly the same things as I am, and with whom I can have really satisfying conversations. They are just not from the same country, and that is why I really love to write and speak a lot in English, as my first language does not count for much outside of this country.

 

Maybe I should also learn a Roman (Latin) language. I need to speak a few languages fluently. It's always beneficial, and it would even mean that I could read more literature without having to rely on translations .

[SleepingLover]

d'Arthez,

 

Your English is better than some English speaking people and, from what I can tell, so is your understanding of it.

 

I have a friend from Egypt whom can speak several languages and he said English was one of the most difficult because there are so many different dialects, accents and slangs in the language. Many of us, though we may write English well, will say things like "gonna" rather than "going to" and it can get tricky for newcomers to grasp. If you travel to the southern states in the U.S., those dialects can be even more tricky to understand hehe.

 

But I would say that you are doing excellent. I would not have known that your first language was not English.

 

Out of curiosity, are you from Germany? Or elsewhere?

[d'Arthez]

SleepingLover,

 

I am from Europe, and speak a few Germanic languages. My German is reasonable, but by no means good. The funny thing about Europe is, that if you state your first language, that you can almost always pinpoint the country where you live. That is why I don't divulge that information.

 

I barely get the chance to speak the language with native speakers of English. So I probably would have a few problems, when actively speaking the language, especially with the many dialects that do exist. And of course the catch-phrases are sometimes hard to understand.

 

Posting here definetely helps, as does reading a lot of literature. Oftentimes a story is not translated in my native language, so I have to rely on English or sometimes German translation. I prefer reading the originals if possible. I really wish I had taken the French classes few years back.

 

BTW, you really have a great set of avatars SleepingLover.

[tokyo]

Are you Dutch?

[d'Arthez]

PM on the way kooky.

[moimeme]

So that narrows it to Scandinavia or the old Eastern bloc. The other countries have a lot of English speakers.

[shamen]

Originally posted by Hungryhorse

Hi there, was wondering if anyone had had trouble with internet dating or had experienced something similar. I am slim, attractive, look young for my age and if anyone could be bothered to find out, have a good job and considerable financial resources at my disposal, I have no ties and am a genuinely nice person but alas in my 30s and although have placed a good profile with a pic have had virtually no responses at all. I have had 2 or 3 men send me a note (and that is a good week) to which I have responded with quite a friendly response after which they have disappeared, guess it is kind of disappointing really. I haven't even got to date stage! Was wondering whether internet dating is really worthwhile. I have posted my ad on 4 websites and have lowered my criteria to cover almost anything (bar animals!) Possibly there is a certain type of male on websites who either doesn't want to meet up and likes messing women about or else is incredibly fussy! Have any other women (or men found this with women) found this and/or do they have any tips for increasing responses. Possibly I need to sign on with more websites though am wondering how many it will need to take.

 

Hi Hungryhorse,

 

I've met in person 3 men via the internet. Corresponded with a few more that I wasn't interested in meeting.

 

The first one was a nice guy, but definitely a weirdo, one with a PhD! Smart, but analyzed the date as it was happening on the 2nd date. Did not see him again.

 

The 2nd one was nice too, but too quiet for me. Very sweet though and very cute.

 

The 3rd was an interesting experience. He was hot hot and we went out four times and then he wanted to get together four other times (all while calling and emailing me rather regularly), but blew me off. So, he is no more either.

 

So, we'll see how it goes. I'm going to continue to do this though. Up until my last big relationship, I met all my beaus in bars. Tired of doing that.

[SleepingLover]

Originally posted by d'Arthez

BTW, you really have a great set of avatars SleepingLover.

 

Thanks!

 

I create them myself.

 

On the side I create commercial 3D models as content for 3D artists and animators and, sometimes, I dabble with some renders and animations myself. The Avatars are just some of my dabbling heheh.

[Mary3]

I would say to just * be real * with the women that you meet....be yourself. I would say confidence ranks very high with women.

Not overly confident or a braggart but a self assuredness .

 

Because we DO know when you aren't being yourself ( sometimes it takes awhile , sometimes its that night ....).

 

We want you to present to us whats on the plate , what tastes good and whats going to be consistantly good ( not just for the first few dates ) in a manner of speaking.

 

We want to truly know that you care about us .

That we are put up there with the same importance that you put other priorities in your life.

 

We are not asking to be suffocated by attention but we dont want to feel we are being neglected. Most women eventually succumb to neglect and look elsewhere, some hang on for longer than neccesary but eventually we know we arent a main priority in your life so we look elsewhere too.

 

We dont want to fill your sexual needs on the first dates ( lol ) We want to get to know you. So for the men who want a booty hit , we would appreciate if you waited , give us a chance to decide if that is the right thing to do. I know that sometime happens very fast and agreed that neither wants to with-hold the physical side for months and months. So we want that side too but we want MORE than just THAT.

 

I am not suggesting you arent the greatest guy , as a matter of fact , I really like what you had to say , alot of great qualities...but you asked earlier for some tips so I did my best to offer a few

[Hungryhorse]

My latest effort on the internet got communicating with a guy who didn't seem that keen (the one I mentioned earlier) but he phoned me up kept me on the phone for 35 minutes on Tuesday evening, then today received a note saying he didn't think we had anything in common and he didn't want to meet, even though I didn't suggest meeting he asked me if I wanted to meet up!? He sounded rather nerdy, all he did was blow off my questions but kept asking them about me giving me nothing back, asking me about ex partners, how many people I was communicating with, etc, etc, I thought at the time too many questions!?

 

I respect his wishes as if he is that shallow to judge me on a photo and a phone conversation under not the best of circumstances, good luck to him don't think he is my type! Do these internet people really want to find a partner or are they married, looking for sex, serial daters? I think deep down I knew he was going to call it off. It just makes me think is it me, is it something I am doing or saying? I know I am just too sensitive for this and I have to get harder, but its a job not to take it personally!

 

Weird?

[Hungryhorse]

"The first one was a nice guy, but definitely a weirdo, one with a PhD! Smart, but analyzed the date as it was happening on the 2nd date. Did not see him again."

 

Thanks Shamen - think this guy was a bit like that, too many er questions?! felt it was probably a shame he is analysing life too much instead of actually living it, oh well his loss! he seemed more interested in my interests than my personality though didn't actually have any himself. Hopefully the next one will be a bit more open minded!

 

Bye for now

[Mary3]

Alot of Super Geeks live in their own world and if you yourself are not especially Geekish, you either have to adapt to the NEW World out there on the Internet , or I think if you proceed as you are going you are going to find that this behavior is going to continue .

 

Types I have met :

 

Super Geeks : Really intelligent and isolated from the social structure and dating world . They take on the dating sites and I would say 50 % are in this number.

( chance of relationship : If it snows in the Sahara Desert )

 

Geek-y Guys: Men who are computer literate with some dating experience but not quite confidant in the dating realm . About 10 % fall in this category

( Shakey chance of a relationship )

 

Hit and Run Dudes : Men who are looking for sex and will lie to get it. They will tell you just what you want to hear , and when they get what they want , they are gone. About 20 % fall in this category

( Chance : zero , unless you like casual sex everyday. )

 

Normal Dudes : Men who accidentally stumbled upon a computer and had their sister help them with their profile. About 10 % fall in this category.

( Chance of finding one : Odds are better in Vegas )

 

Guys who want a relationship for Real ..No for Real !! Guys who are just normal men who seek a relationship with a well adjusted mind and personality. About 5 % fall in this category.

( Chance of finding this : very slim but it does happen )

 

Basically the Internet is not the MAIN place you should be looking...you will find that outside with activities and hobbies....Try NOT to depend on the internet ...just look at it as casual fun. You will learn

[darhma]

I have been doing the on line dating thing on and off. There are some truths already shed on here. I do get tons of responces because I am the attractive blonde with a hot figure. However, I am interested in meeting a man that is interested in my mind as much as my bod. One way to weed out that type is to listen to what they dont say.

 

The guys that are just talking about themselves and what they want...I dont even bother with. The men that talk about what they have to give are more in line...ie. spoil their women, listen, looking for their queen...those are the ones I respond to. That said I have met some sweet guys just not the right chemistry with the right personality. However it is a numbers game...online or offline....I will never give up till I find the right one.

[darhma]

I have been doing the on line dating thing on and off. There are some truths already shed on here. I do get tons of responces because I am the attractive blonde with a hot figure. However, I am interested in meeting a man that is interested in my mind as much as my bod. One way to weed out that type is to listen to what they dont say.

 

The guys that are just talking about themselves and what they want...I dont even bother with. The men that talk about what they have to give are more in line...ie. spoil their women, listen, looking for their queen...those are the ones I respond to. That said I have met some sweet guys just not the right chemistry with the right personality. However it is a numbers game...online or offline....I will never give up till I find the right one.