18 years thrown away.

[DSP]

I have to agree with CTD on the responses. Sometimes NC can make you look arrogant and selfish. The best thing to do is keep it business like and non personal when it comes to the kids at least that is how I feel. You could end up looking like you don't care about your kids, because you are so mad at the EW.

 

That will be used against you in some fashion in court too. It might not carry too much weight, but it will be thrown out there.

 

A good response to the text about your child could have been:

 

Please let me know if symptoms progress or become worse or if you take him/er to the hospital. I will be there for my child.

 

Done. You've kept it business like and if it is brought up in court you can show text record that you were there for your child.

 

Don't expect a glowing response from your Ex either.

 

My lawyer told me this and it truly sucks. I am a good father and I absolutely hate having to use my children as some pawn in a game, but you need to start doing this now.

 

1. Take pictures at all events you are with your children. Selfies with them.
   
2. Go to any school event there is with them - Take pictures.
   
3. Be very involved with their day to day activities - Take pictures.
   
4. Save any and all receipts that may in any way benefited your child. (Trips to zoo, groceries, petrol, clothing, medical, school, etc...)
   
5. Scan the reciepts and rename all the photos you took with the Date and what you were doing. (Ex. 10-16 Dad w. happy girls at home, 10-16 Kids Clothes)
   
6. Communicate schedules via email. State in the email if there is any disagreement or change necessary please respond to this email and I will respond letting you know I have received your email and I am willing to discuss the situation. No response means you agree to what is written here.
   
7. Save all emails
   
8. Learn how to take pictures on your phone of texts. Make sure the date and time stamps are on them and save them with your scanned receipts and photos of your children.,
   
9. If you owe her any money take out a loan. Even if you can pay her in cash. This will show hardship to the court.
   
10. Speaking of cash get all of your accounts separated - NOW. Withdraw all of it except what you need to pay bills. This will show financial hardship. If asked about the money say you gave it to a friend when you were in the depths of suicidal depression from the divorce and didn't think you were going to make it. Make sure that friend is like your brother.
    

 

Show the court you are struggling, but you are a good father. Those things will not guarantee you anything in court, nothing at all, but it will make you look better than if you didn't and your Ex was doing this to you. Trust me it will be dragged out in court. Even if your Ex doesn't want to do it her lawyer will bring it out of her.

 

Pay everything thing with something that has a paper trail. If you need to pay for child care pay the caretaker. If you need to pay a medical bill pay the facility that cared for the child. Don't pay the Ex anything. Just pay the biller.

 

Right now everything is fresh and there is guilt, anger, surprise, shame, confusion, hurt. Those feelings are not leaving anytime soon. They also make you believe in things that will not come true and make you think about concessions to make the Ex feel better. If you think you can work this out amicably then do so. Just do as much as you can from the list above when it pertains to being a father. You will feel better for it too.

[LukeRBetts]

yeah the text thing is confonsusing me still.... she has been having problems at work, and was on stress leave.... she sent me another txt yesterday saying " do you want to know about my work situation and how it turned out?" ...i didnt reply, then not 2 mins later she sent another text "got a bill from blah blah blah" i replied will pay it tonight.

 

I loving my kids, enjoying my time and spending as much of it as i can with them. I hope this split will be amicicable....but only time will tell...there is times of anger....but im not out for revenge..that would only hurt the children and not make me feel any better.

 

Another day....another card....

 

Have an awesome day all

 

Luke

[LukeRBetts]

wow really struggling today to deal with myself...... no kids empty house, i know i should do something, but i just want to sit and wallow in my own misery, i want to talk to her....... i know it will do no good.......but man i miss her....

[LifesontheUp]

Life will never be the same, and change is a challenge.......

 

Luke

 

Indeed it is, but gradually you will start to have more "up" days than "down". You need to start thinking and getting into hobbies and stuff that you enjoy. Maybe something you wanted to do, but didn't get a chance.

 

I think you're doing really well. There is light at the end of the tunnel - promise

[DSP]

wow really struggling today to deal with myself...... no kids empty house, i know i should do something, but i just want to sit and wallow in my own misery, i want to talk to her....... i know it will do no good.......but man i miss her....

 

Luke

 

The pain gets better with time.

 

It will not get better today. It's going to hurt deeply in your soul. You might physically feel your heart, shoulder and back hurt. You will also get a sick feeling in your stomach and stop eating. Drink protein shakes and drink water.

 

Look at a room in your house. Is there a wall you'd like to paint? Even if the wall is white and you don't want another color. Go to the store buy a small paint brush, gallon of paint, drop cloth, and painters tape. Go back home and start taping up the wall trim. You'll be amazed on how much time this takes to be perfect. Turn on the music nothing sad or bluesy and Top 40 is all about heart break so don't go there either. Then start painting.

 

Once it's all done and you've cleaned up you've blown away hours of time and your wall will look better than it ever did. So much so that you will want to paint the other walls.

 

When you tire of painting go for a walk.

 

Count every black car you pass. Pick a tree that is native to your country and count every one of those. Count every dog bark you hear. You now have three things to keep tally on.

 

Good luck friend...

[LukeRBetts]

thanks guys...... yeah the rollercoaster ride that just wont end. I didnt do it, i didnt call her....i just went to bed early....tried to get a good nights sleep. Hobbies.... really lost there....not sure if theres anything i want to do....but yeah.

 

I am currently not eating alot....also had a few teeth removed last week so thats not helping with the whole eating thing.......but im loosing weight...thats good . I am exercising more...im running every few days etc.

 

I have the kids back today, so looking forward to it....there distraction from my own throughts help me alot. Man the brain and the heart can be cruel with throught processes....but i feel like im getting worse...not better..... the longer i have NC the more i want to reach out. Withdrawels!!!

 

Hope everyone else is doing well and thanks for taking the time to help me and give me inspiration

 

Luke

[No Limit]

It only feels worse at the beginning. In the end though, you'll be grateful for every time that you resisted the urge to call her.

 

The harder thing is to not fall back into old habits once the cheater finally feels like he should grant you the honor of contact again and tries to act like nothing's ever happened. Of course, whether you'd take her back after a year or two or not is your own personal choice to make.

[LukeRBetts]

well ive had to text her today to discuss birthdays....as 2 of my daughters have birthdays this weekend coming..... so i sent her a text to say i wanted to discuss the kids birthdays, and she said she will text me tonight to talk about it.....i so wanna blurt out all my thoughts and feelings at her.....but in the end.... whats the point...i will only hurt myself if i do so....so i will keep the topic just about the kids and keep moving forward.

 

Its been a rough day.... the stomach knots the overthinking everything.... the constant battle with myself not to go and see her. But i sit here now and pleased that i didnt.... i want to be strong... stronger than i have been during our marriage.....

 

Exercise is starting to become important....i did another workout tonight...absolutly smashed my self.....my body is aching...but my mind feels good.....so it definatly helps.

 

 

Ive also been on the dating sites....to just get out and meet people as all my freinds went with my wife..... thats a pretty darn messy scene .....the expectations are hhhhhhiiiiii on alot of people...but meh horses for courses and i guess im not really ready for that battle yet.

 

Thanks again all..... at present mind feels good, feel that ive had a miniscule win with the NC....and im gunna hold onto that and build on it.....

 

have an awesome day all

 

Luke

[LifesontheUp]

Dating is way too early - could give you more grief to add to that your're already experiencing.

 

Can you do something like a hobby that will get you out and about with other people not in the dating atmosphere?

[LukeRBetts]

wow....... i can honestly say....today i had a good day..... the feelings were still there.....but i felt ok with myself....i even caught myself whistling at work....it was a great feeling.... i wont kid myself ...i know it wont be everyday....but it was nice to have a good day.

 

There were a few down times, like when me and my oldest daughter went for a Jog.... i asked how she was doing with everything....she said not so good....she feels like there mother is pushing them away, when she has them shes in her room on the cell phone and seems to busy for them....this made me sad, i know this women loves her children and would want to spend time with them....but it seems that shes pushing everything that loves her away...its really sad that there isnt anything i can do.....

 

It also makes me angry...that shes being so selfish....to busy chasing men on the internet to show our kids that she loves them, specially during this time when they need to know it the most.....

 

But again my hands are tied i told my daughter to tell her mother how she feels.....even if she thinks her mother wont like it.....nothing can be done about it unless its out in the open with her and she realises whats going on. I wanted to phone her up and tell her to tell her.... stop pushing them away for your own fantasies....but think that would just make things worse and turn it into a "your using the kids against me thing" so i will leave that alone.

 

Anyway again...posting my random thoughts and feelings on here sure do help me out....im sure most of you are pretty bored with my ramblings by now...but its theripudic.

 

Take care all

 

Luke

[whichwayisup]

Sounds like your wife used your use of porn as the last straw and took that opportunity to bail out and do as she pleases. With that said, I hope you got tested for STDs, better safe than sorry..

 

As painful as it is, let go..For now. She wants to be free so let her be free. You focus on your kids, get them professional counseling if need be to help them cope with the changes and having their lives turned upside down. Love them, encourage them and spend time with them. Text them when they are with their mom too, just so they know you're there if they need you.

 

As for your wife, only speak to her when it has to do with your kids. No personal talk, don't ever show her your emotions or tell her how you feel. Do the 180. Let her "live life" without you in it - She can't rely on you for anything. If there's a leak at her new place, she can ask someone else to help her or hire a handyman. She needs to 'lose' you completely. Maybe, just maybe she'll wake up and see that throwing away a marriage without trying is a huge mistake. Your mistake by turning to porn is NOT a reason to end a marriage. She quickly used that against you.

 

You stuck by her through her depression, and I'm sure that wasn't easy on you or the kids.

[LukeRBetts]

well today...not as good as yesterday.... the endless thoughts of her coming back to me....the reasons why, whats shes doing now..... all that sort of stuff stuck in my head....it didnt stop me in my tracks when i thought those things...but it did interupt my day.

 

Also coming home to an empty house leaves an empty feeling.... but still NC and ill do another workout and smash myself again...will make me feel better im sure

 

Cheers all

 

Luke

[Pickmeup]

You are dong great Luke, keep going. Keep working on making yourself and your kids happier. You handled your daughter's concerns really well, telling her to mention it to her mother herself rather than getting involved as a messenger - even if your intentions as a messenger meant well there is no doubt that it would backfire on you.

 

....we all have happier times ahead and make sure you keep on here to share those happier times when you come out of the other end of this journey.

[No Limit]

Empty houses make great playgrounds for living like you want it. Now if you've got the finances you can get special furniture; if you've got time and interest on the other hand you could start learning how to fix stuff yourself.

 

There's still a lot to do in the world. Even without wives with unresolved issues.

[LukeRBetts]

well another day drifts by.... kind of feels like today ...tommorrow .... yesterday are just meaningless....its a weird feeling. But yeah, it was an easier day....Still NC...off to see the shrink soon.

 

Still got the knots in my stomach still thinking of her.....just not constantly like i was....

 

I know things are getting easier....but on the same hand i feel like im still trapped in the want her need her hope for her to come back cycle...i know its there and i keep telling myself its done..over ..u couldnt take her back if she wanted to come back....respect yourself.

 

Thanks all

 

Luke

[chew123]

You are doing fine, you will have more and more good days. Soon they will start to string together and you will have a good week. I am 7 weeks post dday and even with my half axed attempt at NC it gets easier.

 

Not linear though, many steps forward then a couple back.

 

Like you, I also have a small part of my brain that thinks she may try and come back to me someday. I will tell you no way I will take her back. But I may be lying.

[LukeRBetts]

THanks Chew

 

 

she text me and asked me for money yesterday...i told her ill buy food for when she has the kids.......then my emotions got the better of me and i asked her if she wanted me.....she said only as a freind/compainion..... i told her i couldnt do that and that i wanted more. Then wished her luck with her situation, as shes just lost her job, about to loose her car....and god know what else....

i feel for her i really do, but i know these were all her choices, she made her bed, she will be lying in it.

[Mr. Lucky]

Sounds like some well-deserved tough love. Stay strong...

 

Mr. Lucky

[LukeRBetts]

Hey all.... well its been awhile since ive posted..... im doing ok.... the days are getting easier, the feelings dont feel like the knife is in as deep as it was.

 

I have screwed up on the NC.... ive talked to her a few times....did the whole barter to get her back, it blew up in my face, and i knew it would....shes doing it really hard financially, so i tried to go to the rescue...but i put conditions on it.... and didnt go down well. But i guess it also put even more closure on our marriage... even at her lowest....she still didnt want it. So its helping me to come to terms with the end.

 

I have been in denial till about a day or so ago...and i guess the greiving process is a merry go round, and i start again. But its ok..im stronger now and have learnt to deal with my feelings a little better.....

 

Hope you all are doing well on your journey

 

Luke

[ralfgarnett]

well another day drifts by.... kind of feels like today ...tommorrow .... yesterday are just meaningless....its a weird feeling. But yeah, it was an easier day....Still NC...off to see the shrink soon.

 

Still got the knots in my stomach still thinking of her.....just not constantly like i was....

 

I know things are getting easier....but on the same hand i feel like im still trapped in the want her need her hope for her to come back cycle...i know its there and i keep telling myself its done..over ..u couldnt take her back if she wanted to come back....respect yourself.

 

Thanks all

 

Luke

 

 

Yep same here, broke down on Monday in floods of tears really wanted her to come back, then last night a small light went on in my head, we were talking because she had peed me off and then something she said hit home, and I realised this is not my fault its her that screwed up not me, she has claimed all along that she told me that she had problems in her head and was feeling un-happy, bs I know damn well she told me nothing she just flew in to a panic and left 20 weeks ago, I told her had she told me about her worries and problems then we would of dealt with them but she never said a word, so I told her in no uncertain terms that she is to blame not me and she has to live with that guilt for the rest of her life, but regardless of whos to blame I'm still hurting through no fault of my own.

[Tiberius]

You are a nice guy. Classic mistake No.1. Women LOATH nice guys with a passion. It plunges them into depression. And that isnt just the truth because it rhymes. In your next relationship be the scoundrel women cling to no matter what everybody else and the internet says.

[LukeRBetts]

well the day as come, i was warned, and ive been waiting. My ex is introducing my kids to a "freind". Not much i can do about it or say, i want to go and punch the guy in the face and tell him to F@#k off.....but it wont change anything, will make me look like the bad guy in my kids eyes, so i gotta suck it up and get past it .

 

OOO i cant wait till all this crap doesnt affect me anymore.

 

Luke

[whatcanitellyou]

FWIW I'm remarried and even though my kids see my hb a lot more because I have primary custody, they still know who their dad is and it's never been suggested that anyone besides their dad is their dad. They call my hb by his first name, everyone gets along well, but he's not their dad nor does he try to be. Nobody else will be your kids dad, that job is yours alone and your kids know it.

[M30USA]

OP, no time in life is ever thrown away. Everything happens for a reason--if for nothing else than for you to learn something that you couldn't have learned otherwise. (This is coming from a pessimist and realist, of all people.)

[whichwayisup]

well the day as come, i was warned, and ive been waiting. My ex is introducing my kids to a "freind". Not much i can do about it or say, i want to go and punch the guy in the face and tell him to F@#k off.....but it wont change anything, will make me look like the bad guy in my kids eyes, so i gotta suck it up and get past it .

 

OOO i cant wait till all this crap doesnt affect me anymore.

 

Luke

 

Why is doing this so soon? Introducing a guy to your kids. That's extremely selfish and cruel of her to do to them. They are newly adjusting to this separation and to have a new 'friend' forced upon them is WRONG. Shame on her to not consider their feelings. She should be waiting AT LEAST a year, if not more! You two aren't even officially divorced and she's putting this on them? Again, SHAME on her.

 

Focus that anger into a punching bag at the gym. Love your kids and just enjoy and cherish the time you have when you're with them. They aren't stupid, they know what's what and your ex is hanging herself in their eyes.